Invites and Paper

Two types of invites? (and question about guest allocation)

First question is if bride and groom get equal invites even if the bride's family is paying for the whole wedding. Is there any rule on this or do you just have to hash it out according to circumstances? My parents are very social and have a lot of friends they want to invite (and my mom is one of 8). FI has been a little iffy about the amount of people they want to invite and thinks rule of thumb is equal invites. 

Second question is whether it is a major etiquette breach to order some digital-printed invitations and some letter press. My stationaire prints in increments of 25. My parents and I would like to send letter press invites. FI's family, however, has requested that invites be sent as a formality to some family members they do not think will come (I know that I have to anticipate that they will come regardless), but their additions bring our invitations number to just over 125 (about 130), meaning I would need to order an additional 25 and they aren't cheap. What if I ordered the last 25 in digital to save some money? 

I realize I may be sounding really bratty and you all can tell it like it is. Maybe the answer is to just not send courtesy invites; I would like to say to FI's family that we can't accommodate all the people they want to invite, but then there is the issue of my parents' extensive guest list.

Re: Two types of invites? (and question about guest allocation)

  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited December 2016
    First question is if bride and groom get equal invites even if the bride's family is paying for the whole wedding. Is there any rule on this or do you just have to hash it out according to circumstances? My parents are very social and have a lot of friends they want to invite (and my mom is one of 8). FI has been a little iffy about the amount of people they want to invite and thinks rule of thumb is equal invites. 

    Second question is whether it is a major etiquette breach to order some digital-printed invitations and some letter press. My stationaire prints in increments of 25. My parents and I would like to send letter press invites. FI's family, however, has requested that invites be sent as a formality to some family members they do not think will come (I know that I have to anticipate that they will come regardless), but their additions bring our invitations number to just over 125 (about 130), meaning I would need to order an additional 25 and they aren't cheap. What if I ordered the last 25 in digital to save some money? 

    I realize I may be sounding really bratty and you all can tell it like it is. Maybe the answer is to just not send courtesy invites; I would like to say to FI's family that we can't accommodate all the people they want to invite, but then there is the issue of my parents' extensive guest list.
    There is no rule about the number of guests each side is entitled to invite.  There is a rule that you never invite more people than you are prepared to host.  You must assume that anyone who receives an invitation will accept.  Do not try to second guess whether people will accept or decline.

    We paid for daughter's wedding.  We invited family members, and six accepted.  The grooms side had more than 50.  (Huge Chinese-American family).  No big deal.  The wedding was for our daughter, not for us.

    I think the two level invitation idea is a bad one.  What if people get together and show each other the invitations?  I think everyone should get the same invitation.  Perhaps you should compromise on the expensive invitations if budget is an issue.  If you can't invite everyone, you can always send distant relatives a formal wedding announcement after the wedding is over.  The wedding announcement does not have to match the invitation.  It is a personal way to tell friends and relatives who were not invited to your wedding that you are now married.

    All potential wedding guests should be treated equally.  To have and A list and a B list is very rude.

    I hope this helps you.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • Thanks. I understand that we have to have an expectation that everyone we invite would come. I need to make my FI and his family see that. Appreciate your input!
    MairePoppy
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited December 2016
    Show them this wording for a formal announcement:

    Mr. and Mrs. John Groomsparents
    announce the marriage of
    Miss (Ms.) Jane Ann Brideslastname
    to their son
    George Michael
    Date of marriage
    City, State

    These would be sent after the ceremony is over.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • I pretty much agree with Cmg. 

    While there is no rule about how to allocate guests, I strongly disagree with equal invitations. I think both bride and groom, with input from parents, should be able to invite everyone they want to regardless of family size. In my book, wedding planning should start with creating a guest list and then deciding what level of hosting you can afford for that number of guests. We had a cake and punch reception, and I was fine with that because we had everyone we wanted there. I was the one with the large family, and I would have been upset if H had wanted me to invite fewer people just because he happens to have a smaller family. 

    Is 25 invitations really going to break the bank? I think you should either scale back the invitations for all or not send those extra invitations, but don't send two different levels of invitations. 

    kimmiinthemittenSP29InLoveInQueenslyndausvi
  • Totally agree with PPs. Guest lists do not have to be equal. There are also levels of invitation between letterpress and digital, but if you are set on letterpress then they all should be letterpress. When you are making out your guest list (your family's and FI's family's), prioritize who you want there (I don't mean A and B listing). Make a list of who absolutely has to be invited, who you would like to be invited and who it would be nice to be able to invite. See how many are on all three lists and cut down from there based on how many you can afford to host.
    kimmiinthemitten
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    To an extent, it doesn't matter who is paying when it comes to the invite list.  This is your FI's wedding too and as such his family and friends should be taken into equal consideration, even if there is fewer of them. 

    Everyone should receive the same invitation. I find it very rude and gift grabby that you'd even consider sending cheaper invites to the people you don't think are coming. If you can accommodate them if they do accept, send them the same invitation. TBH, given the tone of your OP I would work hard to include them if possible because it sounds like there's a burdgeoning territory war between your family and your FIL's and you don't want to exclude them because your family is paying. 

    Finally, you communicate with FI and s/he communicates with their family. You do not need to do anything to get them on board, your partner does. And if your partner disagrees, do your best to see their side and choose your battles. 
    image
    SP29
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Glad you worked it out, and don't be sorry! We're here to tell you those things when no one else will because sometimes you can get so caught up in your own plans you don't realize how they may be perceived. 

    Change your username and stick around!
    image
    SP29charlotte989875thefanciestbeckler
  • I would have some extra invitations on hand anyway, in case you make a mistake when you are writing out your guests names and addresses, or if an invitation gets lost.

    We mailed an invitation to my uncle who lives on the other side of the country and I wrote down his postal code wrong (B instead of E). It was never sent back though, so I didn't know it was an issue until my Grandma talked to him. She let me know he never received his invitation, so we mailed a new one.
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Thanks everyone for the comments! We worked it out to get our invitation numbers where they need to be. I'm sorry to come off rude or gift grabby and for being petty, but the extra 25 invites was going to be like $500. Mostly though I think I was driven into a tizzy by this concept that his family wanted to invite people as a courtesy-- it was like they weren't thinking of the expense of invites and the expense of the additional guests. But we worked down my parents' list a little and it will work out.
    Your fi is the rude one. He should be thanking your parents for generously paying for and hosting the wedding. The host is the one who decides on the guest list. 

    Rather than dividing the guest list in half, compose your guest list of close family members and your Fi's close family members, say 1st aunts and uncles, their partners, first cousins. Any guests you'd typically spend the holidays with may be considered close enough to invite to your wedding. After that, the hosts may divide the remainder of invitations any way they wish. Hopefully, they will allow your Fi some invitations to use at his discretion. If he wants to use them on far flung relatives that he thinks/hopes won't show up, that's okay, but they must be included in his guest count. 

    I agree with CMGragain that all those invited must be treated equally. Invite only the guests who you actually hope will attend. 


                
    InLoveInQueens
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards