Bitterly divorced parents...

[Deleted User] · January 2017

Hello everyone, my wedding is in October and I'm seriously stressing over my parents. My parents are divorced (ten years divorced), bitterly divorced. I love them both but they cannot get along to save their lives, they can be quite immature and not care who's around when they fight. My graduation party from college for example, they were there together for all of ten minutes before they stated arguing, so you can see how I feel about how they will be at my wedding. I know what you may be thinking, "it's your big day, they're your parents they will put it aside for you." Oh, I wish that was true, however as mentioned before my parents tend to get in a mind set where I'm not their primary focus when it comes to arguing with each other. What I mean by that is,I've already asked them to please get along that day for my sake they both reply with "I'll behave if she does, but YOU KNOW I'm not the issue" or my favorite "Just keep an eye on your mother/father, and it'll be fine". I'm not even asking them to be friendly, I just ask that they stand being in the same room together and not cause a scene. This makes my stomach ache just thinking about. This is mine and my fiances big day, why should I have to babysit two over 50 year old adults? To give a little more background, my parents fought literally every night when they were married and they always would put me in the middle, no exaggeration, so I've dealt my whole life being a mediator and dealing with them. All I want is this one day where I don't have to worry about them, however I already find myself worrying about them 10 months before the wedding.

So basically between all of their comments already about the big day and "joke threats" about things they would say to the other during a speech at the wedding my parents are STRESSING ME OUT. Neither of them seem to care when I say that this stresses me out. They both say that they're just joking/venting their feelings. Or another way they take is is they tell me "Oh so you think that your mother/father didn't do anything wrong here? Tell them how you feel not me, I'm not the problem". Honestly they BOTH are the problem because they BOTH are making comments like this, but yet I say that and I get blown off or they call me ungrateful for insinuating that their attitude is an issue.

Does anyone have any advice about divorced parents? My first step is they WILL NOT be seated together at the reception or ceremony. However my question I guess more is how to handle my stress level worrying about what they may do, and how to handle it if something does come up.

Side note: This topic is not meant to come off as snobby towards my parents in any way, I'm just so sick of them ALWAYS fighting and involving me. I just want so bad for this one day to be as perfect as possible without their immature fighting ruining it.

charlotte989875 · January 2017

Knottie1d154d35f509bd81 said:

Hello everyone, my wedding is in October and I'm seriously stressing over my parents. My parents are divorced (ten years divorced), bitterly divorced. I love them both but they cannot get along to save their lives, they can be quite immature and not care who's around when they fight. My graduation party from college for example, they were there together for all of ten minutes before they stated arguing, so you can see how I feel about how they will be at my wedding. I know what you may be thinking, "it's your big day, they're your parents they will put it aside for you." Oh, I wish that was true, however as mentioned before my parents tend to get in a mind set where I'm not their primary focus when it comes to arguing with each other. What I mean by that is,I've already asked them to please get along that day for my sake they both reply with "I'll behave if she does, but YOU KNOW I'm not the issue" or my favorite "Just keep an eye on your mother/father, and it'll be fine". I'm not even asking them to be friendly, I just ask that they stand being in the same room together and not cause a scene. This makes my stomach ache just thinking about. This is mine and my fiances big day, why should I have to babysit two over 50 year old adults? To give a little more background, my parents fought literally every night when they were married and they always would put me in the middle, no exaggeration, so I've dealt my whole life being a mediator and dealing with them. All I want is this one day where I don't have to worry about them, however I already find myself worrying about them 10 months before the wedding.

So basically between all of their comments already about the big day and "joke threats" about things they would say to the other during a speech at the wedding my parents are STRESSING ME OUT. Neither of them seem to care when I say that this stresses me out. They both say that they're just joking/venting their feelings. Or another way they take is is they tell me "Oh so you think that your mother/father didn't do anything wrong here? Tell them how you feel not me, I'm not the problem". Honestly they BOTH are the problem because they BOTH are making comments like this, but yet I say that and I get blown off or they call me ungrateful for insinuating that their attitude is an issue.

Does anyone have any advice about divorced parents? My first step is they WILL NOT be seated together at the reception or ceremony. However my question I guess more is how to handle my stress level worrying about what they may do, and how to handle it if something does come up.

Side note: This topic is not meant to come off as snobby towards my parents in any way, I'm just so sick of them ALWAYS fighting and involving me. I just want so bad for this one day to be as perfect as possible without their immature fighting ruining it.

I'm sorry your parents act like this and put you in the middle, that's really unfair.

If youre tired of it though I think the best way to not be involved is to say clearly and calmly that you're not going to be. The next time Mom says something about Dad say "I'm not going to listen to this, please keep me out of it". Or if he starts in about her say "Dad I'm not going to get in to this with you". Tell them that you love them both and that you're not going to listen to this kind of talk any longer. If they continue tell them you're going to end the conversation until it's they can change the topic.

Its going to be super uncomfortable, but in the long run it's going to be better for you if you stand up for yourself now. It's not right that they do this, but you also don't have to keep listening to it!

Jen4948 · January 2017

One thing I would consider doing if your venue doesn't mandate it is to have security on hand to break up any scenes and escort either or both out as required.

You can warn your parents the next time they try to put you in the middle, "I don't want to hear this and neither does anyone else at the wedding. My wedding is not going to be the time or place for you to hash out the failure of your marriage. [If you have security] Security will be on hand to break up any arguments and escort out anyone who starts one or keeps it going. If that's you, only you will be responsible for it happening."

STARMOON44 · January 2017

The next time they joke about this:

"I can't believe you think making my wedding day about your divorce is funny or acceptable in any way. I'm not spending the next 10 months listening to this. Don't bring it up again."

and when they do bring it up, walk out, hang up, don't respond.

justsie · January 2017

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I would stop talking about the wedding with them (unless one is paying and you must cover things) and if they started talking about each other I would simply state that I wasn't going to listen to this and I would leave. Hopefully the parent stating the comment would eventually get tired of me leaving and realize I was no longer going to be their pawn in all of this and get over themselves.

I second having security, and letting them know what you would find to be unacceptable behavior so they are prepared if it happens. I also would suggest doing something for yourself when you start to feel stressed from this, you CANNOT change them, only yourself and how you handle it. Are you and FI going to any kind of pre-marriage counseling? If not, I'd recommend it, and ask if you can also do some sessions for yourself regarding this topic.

kimmiinthemitten · January 2017

I 100% agree with Jen. Next time they bring it up, tell them you won't sit back and listen to them bash the ther parent and if they choose your wedding as a place to do so on a microphone the DJ will be instructed to turn it off, and that any signs of an argument will result in them being escorted off of the property and not allowed to return. End of conversation.

And I'd stop talking to them about the wedding. Seat them and their families as far apart as possible. This next part is a bit controversial but it worked for us. H talked to an aunt who is close to his mom about his concerns about her behavior so we had someone close to her who was able to advocate for H's concerns leading up to the wedding. It helped.

And I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You'll hear from us a lot that people don't change because it's your wedding. It sucks but it's true. And it sucks worse when it's your family. My wedding was 2 weeks ago. All my sister cared about was her baby, all my dad cared about was his friends, my brother didn't even show up and all my mom cared about was where he was and why he wasn't there. I still had the best day ever and smiled so hard my cheeks hurt!

AddieCake · January 2017

Hugs to you and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I agree to shut them down the next time either of them brings it up or makes "jokes." Do not engage with them. Tell them firmly you will no longer be part of this and then you must follow through on not being part of it if they attempt it in the future.

Security and seating them far apart will also help. Security may seem drastic, and they may ask "Why are you having security?" and I would not hesitate to tell them, "It's in case you and Dad/Mom start shit with each other."

Definitely make time for yourself, especially when you start to feel stressed out. You shouldn't feel sick planning for your wedding.

Good luck!

SP29 · January 2017

Agree with the above. Particularly to stop the pattern when you are involved. "Mom/Dad, I will no longer listen to you talk about the other and I don't want to be involved. If this continues, I will leave". And then DO IT. If you are on the phone, hang up, if you are at their house, LEAVE. If they are at your house, ask them to leave. Yes, it will be hard, and they may tell you to calm down, their joking, you're being ridiculous, but follow through with your action. Hopefully it'll only take a few times and they'll get the picture (hopefully).

I would re-iterate the same for your wedding. If there is any drama, they will be asked to leave, no debate about it.

I also think some counseling for yourself would be a good idea. Learns some techniques for how to deal with and diffuse the stressful situations- for yourself.

Subwayloves · January 2017

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My husbands parents were/are similar to this, though yours sound even more extreme.

We sat sat them on opposite sides at the ceremony (MIL sat with my parents and FIL sat on the other side of the aisle), sat them as far away from each other as possible at the reception, and made sure to surround them with their own family/friends as somewhat of a buffer zone. We had a large enough guest list that it was pretty easy for them to avoid each other. This may be a bigger issue if the wedding is smaller.

We basically do not ever talk about them to each other, and if one of them brings something up, we do not engage (change the subject, and if this doesn't work, walk away). We did also have conversations with both about the wedding specifically, made it obvious we were not going to deal with any of this on our wedding day, and we would have no problem having one or both of them leave if they couldn't act like civilized adults. Although we did not have security, most of the guests knew the situation, and would have stepped in if there had been any kind of issue. Luckily, there was not an issue, they both just ignored the other and everything was fine. I hope yours goes the same way!

GBCK · January 2017

You may also have a friend or 2 who you could ask to do the huge huge favor of being a parent-minder.
They can be assigned to one parent, and they can change subjcts, redirect, and guide.
(but, be aware it is a big favor, it's a sucky job)

Ideally, people learn at smaller, less important events, how not to be assholes, but some parents don't learn. I know my mom's parents got more than a few "you can leave now" "but she/he started it" "you're not acting this way in our house. leave" situations before they figured out to not talk to e/o at christmases unless they were not gonna fight.

downtondiva · January 2017

I strongly suggest that you not have either of your parents make a speech at the wedding, and make 100% clear to your DJ well beforehand that they are NOT to be given the microphone at any time. Parent speeches are not necessary, and allowing either of them to speak will only add to your stress leading up to the wedding.

As PP's said, you need to make clear to both your parents that you will not tolerate their complaining about each other and putting you in the middle of their issues, and that conversation needs to start now - this is a problem that isn't just about your wedding, but about the rest of your life. You also need to make clear to them that you are not requiring them to have anything to do with each other at the wedding, and that you will not tolerate any fighting or insults that day - in other words, they need to respect the distance you are giving them from each other. Hopefully by the time the big day comes around, they'll understand that you're serious (if you don't think so, then security is probably a good idea).

If you haven't already, I'd also suggest not accepting any monetary offers from either parent in terms of paying for the wedding. If they hate one another as much as you're saying, there's no guarantee that one won't use the money they've given you as leverage to exclude or pick on the other parent. Keep yourself independent of all of that.

I'm sorry this is something you even need to think about during this time. I hope you find our advice helpful and that your parents will respect this important moment in your life.

ernursej · January 2017

100% agree with what has been said above. No speeches from either would be an excellent idea.

OliveOilsMom · January 2017

Downtondiva offers excellent advice in addition to other PP. Do not allow your parents to have access to the mic at your wedding. Tell your DJ to cut it off if either of them get access to it. Also, don't accept any monetary offers from either parent towards your wedding. That will be potential leverage one parent can hold above your head.

I would also tell them that if they begin to argue at the wedding, they will BOTH be asked to leave. There will be no ifs ands or buts in regards to them being asked to leave. You won't put up with it anymore.

The ladies here have offered great advice. I would just add that going to counseling to assist yourself in finding the strength and techniques to put up boundaries with your parents, it can only be beneficial to you. You don't deserve to be treated that way, so don't put up with it.

MesmrEwe · January 2017

There are a ton of dynamics going on. The first is, for all couples we on the boards typically recommend premarital counseling (many churches also require this and offer it as a service to all couples - especially Catholic churches, but Marriage & Family counselors are an option as well), but especially when there are parent dynamics in one or both of the couple's sides as it's better to invest on the early end how you're going to deal with and approach these issues, "rules of engagement" for arguments in married life, and the transition into married life than face these challenges after and not be prepared (this includes in the event you choose to have kids the moments when "your kids are bickering like your parents" how you handle it). It is the best money you're going to put into your marriage (notice, I didn't say wedding, because this involves planning the marriage, not just a single day!)..

Next, situations like yours are the ones where it's o.k. to consider eloping. If that's not an option for either one of you, then you're best to hire an extra security guard whose job it is to keep both of these two in line. You're an adult now, it's o.k. to tell both that you are done putting up with their childish behavior and if one or the other starts to create a scene, they're BOTH kicked out on the spot and not to test you because you're tired of having to be the adult/parent in your parent's lack of relationship! This has nothing to do with your wedding - but it's o.k. to say "I want both of you there, and if you can't handle yourself with the other person in the room, you have a choice to make, and I would be really sad to not see you there on my wedding day!"..

thefanciestbeckler · January 2017

Everyone else has it covered. I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you're going through this. My parents got a divorce when I was 24 and it was a nasty one. I understand how you feel. Hugs to you.

CMGragain · January 2017

I understand that you have a vision of a peaceful wedding. Unfortunately, the reality is that your parents may not allow this to happen. They will not change on your wedding day.

You have a few choices here:

1. Invite your parents, but tell them in advance that if there is any bad behavior, they will be asked to leave. Ejecting them will probably cause a scene.

2. Invite your parents, and accept the fact that they will not behave towards each other. (This is what I did.) Ignore their childishness. After all, their bad behavior will only make THEM look foolish, and will not reflect on you. I got a lot of sympathy from my guests!

3. Do not invite your parents. You will need security to keep them out.

4. Elope. (I almost resorted to this!)

I truly enjoyed making my daughter's wedding a low stress experience for her. (Grandma didn't come!) Someday I hope you might be a MOB, and you will be mindful of what NOT to do. Good luck and best wishes.

mollybarker11 · January 2017

What a rotten situation. Unfortunately it is a common one so pps have plenty of good advice that I was going to echo (seating them separately at both the ceremony & reception, not having them give speeches/toasts, shutting down any convos about the wedding).

Every family dynamic is different. Some parents have made fools of themselves at their children's wedding. This was a concern for us at my half-brother's wedding but everything went smoothly on the day and I hope your day goes just as well.

Bitterly divorced parents...

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