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Wedding Party

Maid and matron of honor being difficult

edited January 2017 in Wedding Party

I  have both a Maid and a Matron of Honor in my bridal party. 

I was the Maid of Honor in my Matron’s wedding. She also happened to have a Matron of honor.  In her case, her Matron was more of a “symbolic” role. The Matron didn’t take on any of the normal MOH duties (I did all of them myself). 

I assumed (oops) I would be able to take this approach with my wedding and decided to have my friend as Matron of Honor for symbolic purposes.

I had been taking this approach and my Maid had been handling most of the MOH duties and my friend mentioned to me that the duties are supposed to be split evenly. 

We had an issue when selecting bridesmaids dresses. Both the Maid and the Matron wanted different dresses than the other bridesmaids but my sister was 100% against the Matron having a different dress. She was adamant about the Matron not upstaging her. As a compromise, all of the girls have the same dress but the Maid has it in a different color and the Matron has a sash that matches the color of the Maids dress. Whew!  

Now, we are pretty close to the wedding and the Matron has told me that she would like to make a speech at the wedding. This is not going to bode well with my Maid of Honor. 

At this point I am trying to figure out how to accommodate my Matron without upsetting my Maid, and vice versa.   

 And yes, I am aware this is my fault for appointing two difficult people to “important” roles. I honestly just assumed the Matron would have no issue approaching it how we did with her wedding.  : [

Re: Maid and matron of honor being difficult

  • She is very territorial and sensitive (they both are), but she hasn't asked to make a toast.  

    I just know that she is going to flip out if I tell her that the Matron wants a speech.  Would suggesting that the Matron do a toast instead of a speech right after the Maid be a good compromise?
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When my sister & her husband got married, she had 2 matrons of honor (me & her best friend ... we're both married, hence the 'matron').  Her husband had 2 best men (his brother & his best friend).  All 4 of us made toasts and made them relatively short.  Easy peasy.
  • I  have both a Maid and a Matron of Honor in my bridal party. The Maid of Honor is my younger sister and the Matron of Honor is a close friend.

    I was the Maid of Honor in my Matron’s wedding. She also happened to have a Matron of honor.  In her case, her Matron was more of a “symbolic” role. The Matron didn’t take on any of the normal MOH duties (I did all of them myself).  Technically that was all voluntary on your part...those duties are an industry thing and shouldn't be forced upon anyone.

    I assumed (oops) I would be able to take this approach with my wedding and decided to have my friend as Matron of Honor for symbolic purposes.

    I had been taking this approach and my sister had been handling most of the MOH duties and my friend mentioned to me that the duties are supposed to be split evenly. She even googled to me what MOH duties are (as if I didn’t know). When I asked her to be Matron, I told her that I wanted it to be more of a symbolic role (the same way she took with her Matron). Both your friends want to help...well that's the opposite of how these typically go.  Everything's good so far.

    Both ladies are slightly difficult and enjoy being the center of attention. Ugh, that's annoying!  We had a “power” issue when selecting bridesmaids dresses. Both the Maid and the Matron wanted different dresses than the other bridesmaids but my sister was 100% against the Matron having a different dress. She was adamant about the Matron not upstaging her. As a compromise, all of the girls have the same dress but the Maid has it in a different color and the Matron has a sash that matches the color of the Maids dress. Whew!  Glad you were able to compromise on the dress.  This does make your Matron and Maid sound kind of childish though...I mean its a freaking dress and there is no "up-staging" one another! 

    Now, we are pretty close to the wedding and the Matron has told me that she would like to make a speech at the wedding. This is not going to bode well with my Maid of Honor. 

     At this point I am trying to figure out how to accommodate my Matron without upsetting my sister, and vice versa.   Should I suggest that the Matron gives a small speech after the Maid?  Should the Matron give a toast?  This is easy they each get the same thing for the same time.

     And yes, I am aware this is my fault for appointing two difficult people to “important” roles. I honestly just assumed the Matron would have no issue approaching it how we did with her wedding.  : [

    I do wonder how old these ladies are...they are acting like children!!

    What I would do:

    - Keep all wedding day speeches/toasts to a minimum.  Give everyone speaking the same amount of time, absolutely nothing over 5 minutes per person and a total of all speaking of about 10-12 minutes.

    - Allow the Maid and Matron to make more of a "speech" at the RD (if you're having one) if you want them to be able to speak more and/or not have the toasts at the wedding reception.

    - Be stern with them on their behavior.  Wedding planning shouldn't be stressful, especially because two people that you are close to are making it that way.  When one of them acts up tell them the decision is final and then move onto a different subject entirely!

    short+sassy
  • Hi :) I am newly engaged and also have a Maid and Matron of Honor. I think you should let them both do a speech if they want. If anything that will make them both feel happy and do their tribute to you. In my case I don't think my Matron wants to do a speech because she gets really nervous and honestly I'm fine with that. When in doubt I think it's better to honor them both so that there is peace. Hope this helps! 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I'd be so embarrassed if I were acting so juvenile about my role and "duties" in someone's wedding. Tell them they can both make a short toast/speech and that you're done listening to any whining or complaints about roles and duties. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    drunkenwitchPrettyGirlLost
  • edited January 2017
    So I disagree about people being junvenile and immature if they offering to do things for the wedding/being upset. 

    You asked both both of these women to be in honored positions in your wedding party and now you're upset they are both trying to do things for you? If you didn't want your friend to offer to do things than a MOH typically offers (NOT required) does then you shouldn't have asked her. If you just wanted your sister offering these things, you should have just asked her to be MOH. 

    I was a "co-MOH" in a WP last year where the other MOH was all about being MOH but not actually following through on anything she offered to do (throw parties, show up on time to the rehearsal and wedding). The wedding was an etiquette mess for other reasons, but I was pretty hurt when my friend expected these parties/events/etc were done (and I did offer and come through when the other bailed) but treated the other MOH (her sister) as the "real MOH" (giving the toast, thanking her at the wedding and not me). I would have rather been a guest or BM instead.

    Maybe that does make me immature but it was hurtful to be told I don't want to you help/plan/make a toast except behind the scenes or when the other MOH doesn't come through. I wonder if maybe your matron feeling like you don't want/like her help at all?

    ETA: of course I never said anything or acted like a brat or demanded she let me give a toast because in the long run, of course it doesn't really matter. 
    STARMOON44SP29short+sassyei34
  • 1. There are no "duties."  So one isn't responsible for 100% and the other for 0%, nor are they responsible for splitting tasks 50/50.  The only people who have responsibilities and tasks in this wedding are you and your FI.

    2.  If they volunteer to do something (such as host a shower), then they need to work out the details between themselves.  You're not their mediator.  They can either figure it out, or skip it if they can't get along.

    3.  For the love of god, no speeches.  A few short toasts are fine, but literally no one wants to sit and listen to multiple speeches.  It's unnecessary, and not enjoyable for your guests.   
    cowgirl8238InLoveInQueensSP29PrettyGirlLost
  • First of all, OP, recognize the degree to which you were the architect of your own destruction here.  Maid of honor and matron of honor are names for the same role depending on whether the person filling that role is married or not. So why on earth would you ask two people that you know to be "territorial" personalities to share the role of MOH in your wedding?  Couldn't you see how that was a terrible idea from the start?

    But since you can't go back in time and undo your mistake, you're going to just have to ask these women to at least pretend to be functional adults for a few hours at the wedding.  If they both want to give speeches/toasts, let them.  Or don't have anyone do speeches/toasts.  But don't prioritize one over the other at this point.  Maybe flip a coin to see who goes first, then have the best man go, and then the other one.
    charlotte989875SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Literally no one should be giving a speech at your wedding reception. It's a party not a TEDtalk. Let them both do a quick toast. Have the MC cut the mic after 2 minutes if it seems like they wanna bathe in the spotlight.
    This^  So much this.

    Both can give a toast.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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