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SIL in wedding?

Knottie1463152690Knottie1463152690 member
5 Love Its First Comment
edited January 2017 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi everyone-

I have very mixed feelings about this so I'm just looking for some clarity. I am getting married in 4 months and so far wedding planning has been pretty smooth and drama free. However, over the past 3-4 months my brother and his wife have been having some serious problems in their relationship. It's gotten to the point where I'm not sure it's even fixable. They have a daughter together who is the flower girl in the wedding and my SIL is supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. I feel bad saying this but she's not the most mature person in the world and also struggles with some mental health issues that cause her to be unstable and volatile at times. I've struggled with my relationship with her for years because she can fly off the handle at any moment and she also hasn't always been that respectful of my mom who supported them for a number of years. Now you might be thinking why would I ask her to be in my wedding? Well, basically I am having mostly family members in my bridal party and out of respect for my brother I wanted to include her. At the time there was no sign of trouble in their relationship. Also, at this point I obviously can't go back in time and not ask her. 

Now that the wedding is getting closer I really have no clue what to do. If I'm being 100% honest I don't want her in the wedding at this point. She has not handled things well in the recent past and is HIGHLY emotional. Her and my brother are currently not living in the same house.  I am worried that she will cause a fight with my brother and make a scene. I was thinking of asking her not to be in the wedding but that she can still attend- but I really don't want that either because I think this would still be stressful on me and my brother. I have no intentions of telling her off or being unnecessarily rude, I just want to know if there's a way I can ask her not to be in the wedding? I'm hoping she would still be ok with my niece being the flower girl but there's not much I can do about that. 

Also, she has not paid for anything for the wedding so far. My mom paid for her dress, she already said no to the bachelorette party, and my MOH has not asked anyone for money for the bridal shower yet. So I'm not concerned about monetary costs. I'm just trying to figure out how to handle this. Should I wait a few more months? Do I send her an invite to my shower? I'm trying to give it as much time as possible but it's starting to get down to the wire. 

Thanks for your help!!
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Re: SIL in wedding?

  • mandypants90mandypants90 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You'll be really hard pressed to find anyone here that will tell you to kick her out. It's generally a relationship-ending move. Not to mention, if her and your brother work it out, that's going to be a really awkward situation.
    IMO, wait for your brother to come to you (he might appreciate you checking up on him too).
    If they do divorce, she may drop out herself due to the circumstances.
    Still invite her to the shower.
    I know it's a tough an awkward situation, but the best thing is to just let things be for now, especially if you have a few month's time. She must be very stressed and upset, as is your brother I'm sure.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Also, you can feel this out once it's time to send invites. Maybe your brother and her will be on the mend. Maybe they will have decided to actually divorce. Take your queues from your brother.
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  • Knottie1463152690Knottie1463152690 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Not having buyer's remorse. I never even thought about un-asking her until things went extremely south in their relationship and have gotten pretty ugly. Also, yes the wedding party agreed to split the cost of the bridal shower. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2017

    I understand why you are upset, but you can't "unask" her.  It would be rude but, more importantly, could lead to huge, future problems.  What if her and your brother get back together?  What if they break up, but she has primary custody of your niece?  And now hates you because you kicked her out of your WP.

    If she causes a scene at either your ceremony or reception, have security or a trusted friend/relative ready to escort her out.

    Whoever is hosting your shower should also send her an invite, since she is in the WP.  I don't know if that is a hard and fast etiquette rule, but I'm sure it would cause animosity if she isn't invited.  She also is not required to spend any money for your shower unless she has already promised something to your host(ess).

    Edit:  Saw your response, OP, after I posted.  Whatever money she owes for the bridal shower is between herself and the other hostesses.  Don't get involved in that, unless things become so bad (ie divorce is filed) that either you or she removes herself from the WP, and then you would want to pass along to the others that she is no longer in the WP.

    I still don't think its a good idea for you to remove her, but she might remove herself if her and your bro are on the outs.  I would treat her like any other member of your WP, until you hear differently from her (or maybe your bro and then talk to her).

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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Knottie1463152690 said:
    Not having buyer's remorse. I never even thought about un-asking her until things went extremely south in their relationship and have gotten pretty ugly. Also, yes the wedding party agreed to split the cost of the bridal shower. 
    Leave the shower alone.   If your marriage was imploding and you had a young child how would you feel if you were asked to contribute to the shower of someone you might not be related to in a year?   
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie1463152690 said:
    Not having buyer's remorse. I never even thought about un-asking her until things went extremely south in their relationship and have gotten pretty ugly. Also, yes the wedding party agreed to split the cost of the bridal shower. 
    Remember that their relationship is something separate from your relationship with her. They're clearly having problems and you're hearing one side of it. Not saying that what your brother tells you is the truth, but it's probably also not the whole story. They may work things out. They may not. 

    I agree with PPs; leave things alone until its closer to the wedding. If she doesn't get the dress she's effectively removed herself anyway. 
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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    It's always great to see someone being receptive to feedback! Change your name to something recognizable and stick around :) 

    I hope your brother and SIL work things out, whether that looks like staying together or splitting up. Follow your brother's lead, and maybe as things get closer, you could have a conversation with him about what he thinks may be best. If they've got marital stress right now, your wedding may not be in the front of their mind right now. Try to be as supportive and understanding as possible. 
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  • mrose88mrose88 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Knottie1463152690 said:
    Thanks for the kind commenters saying to just wait and see what happens. That was what I was leaning towards and your advice made me see that more clearly. 
    I agree with the advice already given. I would probably only remove a sister-in-law from my own bridal party if things went so south with her and my brother, that he didn't want her there anymore and felt super strongly about it. This is assuming that I don't have any other relationship with her outside of her marriage to my brother. It's just such a drastic, relationship-ending move.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2017
    I can relate, OP.

    My brother and (now-ex) SIL got married 3 months before we did.  I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and she was one in mine.  But, we had actually grown close, so there was no real "obligation".  Her daughter was our flower girl, too.

    My brother & SIL separated about 4 months after we got married.  Their divorce was finalized later that year (sadly, around the time of their anniversary).  It wasn't a terrible surprise (but still sad).  There was a massive fight at Christmas (H & I got married in February), so things were super tense the 6 weeks leading up to the wedding.  It's been several years since I've seen my ex-SIL (I ran into her once at the grocery store, but that's it).

    Just give it time and see how it plays out.  I'd keep going along with things as they are now until you hear otherwise.

    It's a sticky, not-fun situation.  I'm sorry your family is going through this. :(




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