Bridesmaid backout dilemma

Knottie56c583a26d10b470 · January 2017

Hi everyone,

I am sorry if this is long winded.I been struggling with an issue ever since I asked my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids. When my fiance and I first got engaged I was so excited I jumped the gun with asking people to be in the wedding. I don't regret the ladies I picked, because I love them all dearly. My MOH is my sister, and my other bridesmaides are my two cousins whom I am very close with, my three best friends from college and a recent friend whom I met through my Fiance who I am very close with.(I know it is alot of ppl..). Now I didn't really care about even numbers but my fiance had picked 7 groomesmen he insisted he could not cut a single one of them and I understood. So I picked 7 girls who I felt the closest to at the time. The only problem is that i instantly regretted not asking one of my oldest friends even though we haven't seen or talked to each other very much over the past few years. But i thought asking an 8th oerson would have been even more over the top for numbers so I didn't ask. Now recently my one friend from college friends said she would not be able to make it to the wedding due to financial reasons i completely understood as she lives quite far away. I am now wondering if it would be awful or rude to ask my middle school friend to join the wedding party at this point if I explained the whole situation. (the wedding is in 5 months). I had already asked her to stay at the place we rented out for the wedding party before the bridesmaid dropped out and I feel like we have been talking alot more lately and she means the world to me. I just don't want to offend her or my bridesmaid that dropped out. I also would mention to both that if my friend was somehow able to make it(she said if things change she would ket me know) that i would still have her up there with me too. Please let me know what ya'll think!

LondonLisa · January 2017

Knottie56c583a26d10b470 said:

Hi everyone,

I am sorry if this is long winded.I been struggling with an issue ever since I asked my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids. When my fiance and I first got engaged I was so excited I jumped the gun with asking people to be in the wedding. I don't regret the ladies I picked, because I love them all dearly. My MOH is my sister, and my other bridesmaides are my two cousins whom I am very close with, my three best friends from college and a recent friend whom I met through my Fiance who I am very close with.(I know it is alot of ppl..). Now I didn't really care about even numbers but my fiance had picked 7 groomesmen he insisted he could not cut a single one of them and I understood. So I picked 7 girls who I felt the closest to at the time. The only problem is that i instantly regretted not asking one of my oldest friends even though we haven't seen or talked to each other very much over the past few years. But i thought asking an 8th oerson would have been even more over the top for numbers so I didn't ask. Now recently my one friend from college friends said she would not be able to make it to the wedding due to financial reasons i completely understood as she lives quite far away. I am now wondering if it would be awful or rude to ask my middle school friend to join the wedding party at this point if I explained the whole situation. (the wedding is in 5 months). I had already asked her to stay at the place we rented out for the wedding party before the bridesmaid dropped out and I feel like we have been talking alot more lately and she means the world to me. I just don't want to offend her or my bridesmaid that dropped out. I also would mention to both that if my friend was somehow able to make it(she said if things change she would ket me know) that i would still have her up there with me too. Please let me know what ya'll think!

No one ever likes being a replacement or back up friend. Do not ask her to replace the BM that cannot make it.

Ask this person to do a reading at your wedding. Get her a corsage. Write her a note to be delivered on the morning of the wedding and tell her how much she means to you.

But the fastest way to ruin your close relationship is to make her feel like an understudy. No matter how much you tell her you regret not asking her and how close you are now, nothing will change the fact that when you instantly though of your closest friends, you did not think of her.

That is OK. Everyone understands, but do not rub salt in the wound by asking her to be a second string BM.

downtondiva · January 2017

I totally agree with @LondonLisa. You cannot ask someone to be in your WP this long after you've asked everyone else, and you especially cannot do it to replace someone who had to back out. It makes people feel like your props, not your friends.

ei34 · January 2017

Yeah if I saw in your friend's shoes, it'd make me feel like a backup. Especially since I didn't make the original cut of 7...it's not like at first it was just your sister and none one else.
Doing a reading or a corsage is nice...maybe if you guys have a favorite song from your middle school days you could have it played during the reception and dance together, kind of re-live a fun memory?

holyguacamole79 · January 2017

I agree with the others. I would just feel like a prop if you asked me after the fact.

mandypants90 · January 2017

I wouldn't ask your friend. It may mean a lot to you, but she'll probably feel awkward and b-listed. Like above, I would say if you want her included, ask her to do a reading, make sure she has a corsage, make sure you get a nice picture of you and her together...I'm sure a lot of us have people we wish we could have or should have asked, but at the end of the day, she'll still be there for you at your wedding

STARMOON44 · January 2017

Nope.

cowgirl8238 · January 2017

I vote no. Asking her now will come across as her being a replacement BM and will open up the door for a lot of hurt feelings. Also, if I was in a WP and the Bride "replaced" a BM it would change the way I felt about her and make me wonder if she views me as replaceable, ykwim? Others above have given you great ways to make her feels special without adding her to the WP.

Heffalump · January 2017

There is no way to do this without making her feel like a runner up. Don't do that to your friend.

CMGragain · January 2017

Knottie56c583a26d10b470 said:

Hi everyone,

I am sorry if this is long winded.I been struggling with an issue ever since I asked my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids. When my fiance and I first got engaged I was so excited I jumped the gun with asking people to be in the wedding. I don't regret the ladies I picked, because I love them all dearly. My MOH is my sister, and my other bridesmaides are my two cousins whom I am very close with, my three best friends from college and a recent friend whom I met through my Fiance who I am very close with.(I know it is alot of ppl..). Now I didn't really care about even numbers but my fiance had picked 7 groomesmen he insisted he could not cut a single one of them and I understood. So I picked 7 girls who I felt the closest to at the time. The only problem is that i instantly regretted not asking one of my oldest friends even though we haven't seen or talked to each other very much over the past few years. But i thought asking an 8th oerson would have been even more over the top for numbers so I didn't ask. Now recently my one friend from college friends said she would not be able to make it to the wedding due to financial reasons i completely understood as she lives quite far away. I am now wondering if it would be awful or rude to ask my middle school friend to join the wedding party at this point if I explained the whole situation. (the wedding is in 5 months). I had already asked her to stay at the place we rented out for the wedding party before the bridesmaid dropped out and I feel like we have been talking alot more lately and she means the world to me. I just don't want to offend her or my bridesmaid that dropped out. I also would mention to both that if my friend was somehow able to make it(she said if things change she would ket me know) that i would still have her up there with me too. Please let me know what ya'll think!

No. You blew it. Your six bridesmaids will have to be enough.
Sides do not have to be even. You have stated this yourself. Why did you choose seven bridesmaids? It is too late to add a bridesmaid without hurting feelings.

levioosa · January 2017

This is what happens when you value a vision (like even numbers in the WP) over relationships. You can't ask her. It would make her feel like she wasn't good enough for the first round, and that's just shitty.

Knottie56c583a26d10b470 · January 2017

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate the positive advice from most of you. I guess I already knew the answer but I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing..I think ppl understimate how hard a decision choosing bridesmaids is when you have many ppl who mean alot to you for different reasons.

mandypants90 · January 2017

Knottie56c583a26d10b470 said:

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate the positive advice from most of you. I guess I already knew the answer but I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing..I think ppl understimate how hard a decision choosing bridesmaids is when you have many ppl who mean alot to you for different reasons.

You handled responses gracefully

It is hard, but that's why these people are here. Obviously you have good intentions. I think your friend will be happy to be a guest. Being a guest is still an honor!

SP29 · January 2017

Knottie56c583a26d10b470 said:

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate the positive advice from most of you. I guess I already knew the answer but I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing..I think ppl understimate how hard a decision choosing bridesmaids is when you have many ppl who mean alot to you for different reasons.

We get this. I have friends now that I knew when I was planning my wedding who have since become some of my best friends. I did not ask them to stand up in my WP (and yes, I struggled with who to ask!), because at the time, we were not *that* close. Looking back, I would have liked to have them in my WP, but that's the decision I made and I had to stick with it.

I think the main point here, is there is not rule on how many people can be in your WP, or that you must have even sides. If this friend is so important to you, why did you not ask her in the first place? When you're already at 7 in your party, 8 is really not "too much". I know you say you just started getting close again, but you didn't think about asking her to be part of your WP until your other friend dropped out.

I still think it is too late since you asked your original WP to ask this friend. Asking her to do a reading would be a good way to include her and show her she is important to you. Or, write her a letter to tell her that. You can still include her in your getting ready plans and pre-wedding parties if you wish. You could also get her a corsage.

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