Wedding Woes

Nothing. You say nothing.

Dear Prudence,
Recently, flying home from a business trip, the toddler seated on his mother’s lap behind me kicked my chair during the hourlong flight. I’m a mom too, and I know traveling with kids is hard, so I didn’t say anything. After we landed, I stood up to disembark and the woman apologized. I smiled but didn’t say anything; the woman turned to her companion and snapped, “Whatever! Kids are kids!” What’s the right thing to say in that situation?

—Airplane Manners

Re: Nothing. You say nothing.

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,
    Recently, flying home from a business trip, the toddler seated on his mother’s lap behind me kicked my chair during the hourlong flight. I’m a mom too, and I know traveling with kids is hard, so I didn’t say anything. After we landed, I stood up to disembark and the woman apologized. I smiled but didn’t say anything; the woman turned to her companion and snapped, “Whatever! Kids are kids!” What’s the right thing to say in that situation?

    —Airplane Manners


    First, if that mom noticed her kid was kicking the seat and didn't stop them, SHE is rude! 

    LW is better than me because I would have turned around (and have done it when its just a child in their own seat) and politely ask they stop kicking my seat.

    But I do think when the woman apologized for the kicking, LW should have said its no problem or something to just acknowledge the apology other than a smile.  The mom must have taken it as a condescending smile.  LW was right to say nothing after the mom turned to the companion though, that could have escalated things further.


  • I'm going to disagree. If it was bothering you, preventing you from working/sleeping/whatever, politely mention to the woman that it is bothering  you. It may stop, it may not. 

    I'm snarky about kids on planes. I know it has to be terrible for them, and that often there is nothing a parent can do. But that would annoy the crap out of me. 
  • The mother allowing the kid to kick isn't being kind to those around.

    Is it possible to say to the mother "Your child is kicking my seat. Could you please stop them?" in a nice way? That way it shows you aren't a fan of the situation but aren't dealing with the toddler.
  • she had an hourlong window to tell the mom "hey, can you please have Jr. stop that?"--because, shit yes, you stop that.  I held Buffy's feet in place for a plane ride before (which, BTW< sucks.  and then you're stuck with 'which is worse, screaming or kicking?')

    And then she got an apology.  If you don't want to accept the apology don't (although 'thank you for apologizing" is my go to 'not quite accepting') , but engaging someone who is traveling, stressed, and clearly snappish and unreasonable will not help anything.
  • Obviously I don't have kids yet, so I'm no expert in this area. But my mom would have NEVER let my brother and I kick a stranger's seat on a plane. If I was in LW's position, I probably would have found a way to say something to the mom about the kicking bothering me.

  • This situation reminds me a lot of when I was working as a server, and seeing kids in the food court of malls.

    When I was serving, some parents would let their kids run around the restaurant. I mentioned to a parent that this wasn't safe, as people was around with hot coffee and food, and we wouldn't want anyone hurt {in a nice way for the record} and many times I got the response of "Oh they're fine. They just need to burn some energy."
    Uhm, no ma'am your child almost got hot coffee poured on them because they ran in front of my coworker while she carried a coffee pot.

    In the food court, I was one time waiting in line and these two kids {oldest was MAYBE 7 or 8?} and they kept running from one side of the food court to the other. One of the mall cleaners ended up going to the parents and being really stern with them - essentially the "your kids stop running around or you have to leave"

    My wonder is also why the stewards didn't say anything to the mother about the kid kicking, even if LW didn't feel comfortable saying something {not everyone is confrontational to do that}
  • Yeah, mom here is wrong.   You can't say, "Kids are kids" with a shrug.

    But you can also turn to mom and say, "If there's any way you could help curb the kicking I"d really appreciate it."

    Most good parents don't "let" their kids kick.   I don't "let" my 2 yo (will be 2.5 in a mo) smack me.  But man when Chiquito gets going he hauls off and pops me in the face.   There's no time out mat on a plane, you're trying to be quiet but you're also trying to instill manners.   It SUCKS.   I can see a future plane ride with Chiquito as the experience @GBCK described where I'd be stuck just holding my kid's legs so he wasn't able to be violent but then no one around us would be able to nap either.

    I've told the story to others but I knew DH for a good 5 years before we started dating at 24 and we were married at 27 and had our first at 30.   Prior to kids we'd attended concerts, ball games and NASCAR races and it wasn't until he was 33 and disciplining our kid that I heard how loud he could get. 


  • My wonder is also why the stewards didn't say anything to the mother about the kid kicking, even if LW didn't feel comfortable saying something {not everyone is confrontational to do that}
    they likely aren't allowed to say anything unless its to stop something dangerous. if they yelled at every annoying person on a plane, we'd never be able to get our little bags of peanuts. 
  • banana468 said:
    Yeah, mom here is wrong.   You can't say, "Kids are kids" with a shrug.

    But you can also turn to mom and say, "If there's any way you could help curb the kicking I"d really appreciate it."

    Most good parents don't "let" their kids kick.   I don't "let" my 2 yo (will be 2.5 in a mo) smack me.  But man when Chiquito gets going he hauls off and pops me in the face.   There's no time out mat on a plane, you're trying to be quiet but you're also trying to instill manners.   It SUCKS.   I can see a future plane ride with Chiquito as the experience @GBCK described where I'd be stuck just holding my kid's legs so he wasn't able to be violent but then no one around us would be able to nap either.

    I've told the story to others but I knew DH for a good 5 years before we started dating at 24 and we were married at 27 and had our first at 30.   Prior to kids we'd attended concerts, ball games and NASCAR races and it wasn't until he was 33 and disciplining our kid that I heard how loud he could get. 
    You make a great point. My choice in wording was poor. I just meant that my mom would have tried to stop me from kicking a stranger's seat in the plane. It sounds like this mom wasn't even attempting to stop her child from kicking.

  • banana468 said:
    Yeah, mom here is wrong.   You can't say, "Kids are kids" with a shrug.

    But you can also turn to mom and say, "If there's any way you could help curb the kicking I"d really appreciate it."

    Most good parents don't "let" their kids kick.   I don't "let" my 2 yo (will be 2.5 in a mo) smack me.  But man when Chiquito gets going he hauls off and pops me in the face.   There's no time out mat on a plane, you're trying to be quiet but you're also trying to instill manners.   It SUCKS.   I can see a future plane ride with Chiquito as the experience @GBCK described where I'd be stuck just holding my kid's legs so he wasn't able to be violent but then no one around us would be able to nap either.

    I've told the story to others but I knew DH for a good 5 years before we started dating at 24 and we were married at 27 and had our first at 30.   Prior to kids we'd attended concerts, ball games and NASCAR races and it wasn't until he was 33 and disciplining our kid that I heard how loud he could get. 
    You make a great point. My choice in wording was poor. I just meant that my mom would have tried to stop me from kicking a stranger's seat in the plane. It sounds like this mom wasn't even attempting to stop her child from kicking.
    Yeah - there are bad parents everywhere.   But sometimes trying to get your kid to behave is a balancing act.   More often than not, I find myself shooting daggers out of my eyes at my 6 yo while engaging in a wrestling match with a 2 yo. 
  • *Barbie* said:


    My wonder is also why the stewards didn't say anything to the mother about the kid kicking, even if LW didn't feel comfortable saying something {not everyone is confrontational to do that}
    they likely aren't allowed to say anything unless its to stop something dangerous. if they yelled at every annoying person on a plane, we'd never be able to get our little bags of peanuts. 
    Fair enough. I've seen stewards tell people to stop doing something before though, but maybe depends on each plane
  • I used the word "let" in reference to this parent, who saw her child doing something rude and did nothing to try to put a stop to it.  I wouldn't ever judge a parent for attempting to change a behavior of a child who is resisting or outright refusing to do so.  

  • Removing kids and kids-behavior-on-planes from the scenario:
    we have one person who gritted their teeth through an hour of annoyance instead of speaking up and was then too peeved to accept an apology

    and another who could've / should've done better for an hour, then thought apologizing would erase the previous hour, then got pissy when the apology wasn't accepted 

    Both are in the wrong, but unfortunately in the hurry of disembarking a plane, they didn't hash it out.  I'm sure when each re-told the story, there were two very different accounts  :|
  • I cannot stand parents who basically ignore if their kid is doing something wrong/bad, especially if the safety of the child is involved. I also think this is getting worse as time goes on with all the "special snowflakes", participation awards, etc. I get sometimes children don't behave exactly how you want them to and you can't always control that, but at least make an effort to control the issue. 

    Last summer, DH, my dad, and I were playing tennis at the park. A small child, probably 3 or 4, kept walking right in the middle of our game, back and forth across the front of the net. We're not pro tennis players, but can hit pretty hard, and I know it hurts to get hit by the ball, even more so for a small child.  I didn't see any parents around, and after he had walked across the front of the net probably 5 times, I finally went up to him, and said "Are you here with someone? Maybe I can help you find them. I don't want you to get hit by our tennis ball and get hurt." A lady came running out of nowhere (I think she was sitting at the picnic tables behind the courts), and started yelling "What are you saying to him? Leave him alone." I told her the same thing I told the child, that I didn't want him to get hit by the tennis ball and get hurt. Don't remember her exact response, but the gist was that he was a small child, and should be able to do whatever he wanted, and we needed to watch out and make sure we didn't hit him. Ummm WTF??
  • I've been pondering if, in general, a smile without saying anything is an appropriate response to an apology.

    I feel like I've probably done that for smaller offenses than what the LW described.  Like if someone accidentally bumps into me and says, "I'm sorry."  I might respond with, "That's okay," or I might just respond with a friendly smile that carries the same message.

    I'm picturing an airplane aisle.  Everyone's grabbing their stuff getting ready to deplane.  LW is already thinking forward to things like their next gate and/or luggage pick up/where to get a cab/how's the weather.  I think a smile is a perfectly acceptable response to 1) acknowledge someone said something but 2) I'm busy getting my stuff and getting off the plane.

    I'm also with the PPs that I think it was weird the LW didn't say anything.  I can be sympathetic and understanding that kids are a PITA to fly with and can randomly turn into wild beasties, even for the best parents.    But I can be all of those things and still politely make a parent(s) aware of what is going on.

    And, even if the mom was annoyed that her apology was not accepted the way she wanted, it's eye rolling she double-downed on the rudeness by making a snarky comment.  So, her child was annoying someone for an hour...which she was apparently aware of and did nothing about.  She apologizes.  The person smiles back at her, but doesn't say anything.  Maybe it was an annoyed smile.  It was still a smile.  And her response is to add further insult to injury.  Klassy.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • eileenrob said:
    Removing kids and kids-behavior-on-planes from the scenario:
    we have one person who gritted their teeth through an hour of annoyance instead of speaking up and was then too peeved to accept an apology

    and another who could've / should've done better for an hour, then thought apologizing would erase the previous hour, then got pissy when the apology wasn't accepted 

    Both are in the wrong, but unfortunately in the hurry of disembarking a plane, they didn't hash it out.  I'm sure when each re-told the story, there were two very different accounts  :|
    this actually sounds like something that would happen in the Sims. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards