Bridesmaid issue... HELP!

Knottie1452397313 · February 2017

One of my bridesmaids Karen, has been a good friend of mine for nearly 17 years. I am so excited to have her be a part of our wedding!

We have had a couple issues when it comes to my wedding though. When our wedding invites went out she posted a picture of the whole invitation suite on FB, with clear pictures of the details on the invitation. I asked her to take it down and she did, but it seems rude to post it in the first place. Especially since we have really limited our guest list and we have many mutual friends that DF and I couldn't invite.

The most recent issue is that rehearsal dinner invites went out and Karen called my soon to be MIL to RSVP. Karen has kids and a few months ago I talked with her about the rehearsal dinner being adult only. She said she understood and it wasn't brought up again. My MIL called me today to mention that Karen just RSVP'd for her, her DH, and their kids to the rehearsal dinner. Very politely, my MIL reminded her that it was adults only (the invite was even addressed to Mr and Mrs. Jacobs, while their wedding invite was addressed to The Jacobs Family) and Karen seemed surprised. It just bothered me, since we had already talked about it a few months ago!

I'm not considering removing her as a bridesmaid, but theses things have really bothered me.

Any advice moving forward??

ernursej · February 2017

Isn't it nice that someone is excited for your day! So many brides come on here asking for help with friends that don't seem like they are excited.

For the invite posting, I would just chalk it up to her acting before thinking and move forward. It is rude for someone to post pictures of wedding invites to a platform that includes people who are not invited, but you got that corrected. For the rehearsal no kids thing, I think you are overreacting a bit. It sounds like your MIL handled it (which is correct if they are hosting) and it means you stop thinking about it.

Personally, I would just have a drink, a cupcake and relax. Embrace that she is excited and look forward to your day.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Knottie1452397313 said:

One of my bridesmaids Karen, has been a good friend of mine for nearly 17 years. I am so excited to have her be a part of our wedding!

We have had a couple issues when it comes to my wedding though. When our wedding invites went out she posted a picture of the whole invitation suite on FB, with clear pictures of the details on the invitation. I asked her to take it down and she did, but it seems rude to post it in the first place. Especially since we have really limited our guest list and we have many mutual friends that DF and I couldn't invite.

The most recent issue is that rehearsal dinner invites went out and Karen called my soon to be MIL to RSVP. Karen has kids and a few months ago I talked with her about the rehearsal dinner being adult only. She said she understood and it wasn't brought up again. My MIL called me today to mention that Karen just RSVP'd for her, her DH, and their kids to the rehearsal dinner. Very politely, my MIL reminded her that it was adults only (the invite was even addressed to Mr and Mrs. Jacobs, while their wedding invite was addressed to The Jacobs Family) and Karen seemed surprised. It just bothered me, since we had already talked about it a few months ago!

I'm not considering removing her as a bridesmaid, but theses things have really bothered me.

Any advice moving forward??

I agree with @ernursej that you're overreacting a bit.

She made a mistake posting your invite, but you asked her to take it down and she did. I guess I don't see the problem any longer? She took it down, problem solved.

With the RD invite, is it possible she just forgot/is confused? Her whole family is invited to the wedding, maybe she thought you changed your mind about the RD, or simply didn't look closely at the envelope? Seems like your MIL handled it and she understands the invite was just for her and her H. Just a question though, does your wedding require travel by her or her family?

I think you need to take a step back here and relax a bit. She hasn't done anything wrong (well okay the invite thing was wrong, but she corrected it) and honestly saying anything to her about these non-issues are going to make you look bad (and a little bridezilla).

mollybarker11 · February 2017

1. She was so excited about receiving your wedding invitation that she wanted to share the moment on fb. Weird social gaffe, but she corrected it once you brought it to her attention.

2. She forgot you had talked about the RD being adults-only months previously and misread the invitation. Or she was trying to pull a fast one over on the host (it happens sometimes). You know her better than me so maybe you have an idea of which is more likely.

I don't see either situation as cause for alarm. My advice going forward is to learn to cope with hiccups better so this type of thing doesn't bother you as much! I know everything can seem like A Big Deal when you're in planning mode but you'll do yourself a load of help if you step back to evaluate whether something's worth sweating. Or do what you just did and come here for a reality check when things start grating on ya!

Knottie1452397313 · February 2017

mollybarker11 said:

1. She was so excited about receiving your wedding invitation that she wanted to share the moment on fb. Weird social gaffe, but she corrected it once you brought it to her attention.

2. She forgot you had talked about the RD being adults-only months previously and misread the invitation. Or she was trying to pull a fast one over on the host (it happens sometimes). You know her better than me so maybe you have an idea of which is more likely.

I don't see either situation as cause for alarm. My advice going forward is to learn to cope with hiccups better so this type of thing doesn't bother you as much! I know everything can seem like A Big Deal when you're in planning mode but you'll do yourself a load of help if you step back to evaluate whether something's worth sweating. Or do what you just did and come here for a reality check when things start grating on ya!

Thank you to everyone for your advice/opinions. We are only 2 months away so everything seems like a big deal right now. While DF is helping, I'm doing 95% of the work, only because he works so much. I haven't brought anything up to Karen (except for the invites) so she isn't aware that it bothered me.

@ernursej, I know she's excited to be involved and happy for us. I guess it's just surprising to me because she planned her wedding and had a tough time with the guest list and having to tell so many people that she couldn't invite them due to the wedding being small. I suppose I just thought she would know that the invites are sort of a complicated item and posting it may bring up the "Wait, I didn't get one.... why am I not invited?" from those not invited. Especially since we have so many mutual friends.

@mollybarker11, you're right in that background is a factor. I am leaning more towards her trying to pull a fast one. She's not malicious or anything like that (otherwise why would I want her involved in our wedding), but she tends to do things her way despite what others say. When we had talked about the day before the wedding (the salon, ceremony rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner), I mentioned that these were adult only events and she mentioned that she just may not come to those events then. I had to remind her that she needed to be there as a bridesmaid, the salon not as big of a deal but the rehearsals... yes.

@charlotte989875, yes it does require them to travel a few hours. I offered to look for a sitter for them when we talked, which I am still trying to do. So if I can find them a trusted sitter I would offer that as an option so that both her and her DH can come.

Thank you again ladies! How did I not find these forums before yesterday!? Coming on here would have helped me so much through the wedding planning process!

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Knottie1452397313 said:

mollybarker11 said:

1. She was so excited about receiving your wedding invitation that she wanted to share the moment on fb. Weird social gaffe, but she corrected it once you brought it to her attention.

2. She forgot you had talked about the RD being adults-only months previously and misread the invitation. Or she was trying to pull a fast one over on the host (it happens sometimes). You know her better than me so maybe you have an idea of which is more likely.

I don't see either situation as cause for alarm. My advice going forward is to learn to cope with hiccups better so this type of thing doesn't bother you as much! I know everything can seem like A Big Deal when you're in planning mode but you'll do yourself a load of help if you step back to evaluate whether something's worth sweating. Or do what you just did and come here for a reality check when things start grating on ya!

Thank you to everyone for your advice/opinions. We are only 2 months away so everything seems like a big deal right now. While DF is helping, I'm doing 95% of the work, only because he works so much. I haven't brought anything up to Karen (except for the invites) so she isn't aware that it bothered me.

@ernursej, I know she's excited to be involved and happy for us. I guess it's just surprising to me because she planned her wedding and had a tough time with the guest list and having to tell so many people that she couldn't invite them due to the wedding being small. I suppose I just thought she would know that the invites are sort of a complicated item and posting it may bring up the "Wait, I didn't get one.... why am I not invited?" from those not invited. Especially since we have so many mutual friends.

@mollybarker11, you're right in that background is a factor. I am leaning more towards her trying to pull a fast one. She's not malicious or anything like that (otherwise why would I want her involved in our wedding), but she tends to do things her way despite what others say. When we had talked about the day before the wedding (the salon, ceremony rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner), I mentioned that these were adult only events and she mentioned that she just may not come to those events then. I had to remind her that she needed to be there as a bridesmaid, the salon not as big of a deal but the rehearsals... yes.

@charlotte989875, yes it does require them to travel a few hours. I offered to look for a sitter for them when we talked, which I am still trying to do. So if I can find them a trusted sitter I would offer that as an option so that both her and her DH can come.

Thank you again ladies! How did I not find these forums before yesterday!? Coming on here would have helped me so much through the wedding planning process!

You are well within your right (and etiquette) to have adult-only events. But remember doing so may mean people have to decline, and that's okay too. She doesn't have to be at the salon, or even at the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. Unless your ceremony is super complicated someone can fill her in. Especially if she has to travel with her family, inviting them to only parts of the weekend is probably pretty difficult for her. As long as she's standing up with you during the ceremony, she's done her part as a bridesmaid, and really that is the important part, that she's with you on the day, right?

As for sitters, many parents don't feel comfortable leaving their children with people they don't know/have vetted personally or haven't met. Honestly, while it's totally fine to have an adult-only event (I had an adult only wedding), but I do think you're making it harder on her by inviting her family to part of the weekend and not the entire thing when they have to travel. I think an all or nothing approach tends to work better.

Heffalump · February 2017

Knottie1452397313 said:

One of my bridesmaids Karen, has been a good friend of mine for nearly 17 years. I am so excited to have her be a part of our wedding!

...

I'm not considering removing her as a bridesmaid, but theses things have really bothered me.

Any advice moving forward??

Knottie1452397313 said:

Thank you to everyone for your advice/opinions. We are only 2 months away so everything seems like a big deal right now. While DF is helping, I'm doing 95% of the work, only because he works so much. I haven't brought anything up to Karen (except for the invites) so she isn't aware that it bothered me.

If someone has been your friend for 17 years, she's been doing things that bother you, and you haven't brought them up (except for one, which she resolved), maybe you two should talk. Not like "You suck because __________," but just your basic "When you __________, it makes me feel _________________." Talk to your friend.

Also, I agree with Charlotte. Go kids or no-kids, either way, but don't switch gears halfway through. It's confusing, and makes for tricky logistics.

Knottie1452397313 · February 2017

If someone has been your friend for 17 years, she's been doing things that bother you, and you haven't brought them up (except for one, which she resolved), maybe you two should talk. Not like "You suck because __________," but just your basic "When you __________, it makes me feel _________________." Talk to your friend.

Also, I agree with Charlotte. Go kids or no-kids, either way, but don't switch gears halfway through. It's confusing, and makes for tricky logistics.

@Heffalump, I meant in regards to our wedding. There have been a few times prior to these that she hasn't been cooperative in the process. These are just 2 that stood out to me as bothersome, the others I just shrugged off.

We've certainly had times in our friendship where things weren't perfect and worked through it by talking and sorting things out. In 17 years any two people are bound to clash or not agree at some point.

SP29 · February 2017

I very much agree with what Charlotte said.

Yes, you are well within your rights to have an adult-only event, but your BM is also not required to attend the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner. The only role she has as a BM is to show up on time for the ceremony in the agreed upon attire.

Considering she has to travel with her family for a 2 day event (rehearsal one day, wedding the next), and is not allowed to bring her kids to the RD, I think you're making it very challenging for your friend. I think you should either let her bring her kids, or tell her, "The invitation for the RD is for you and your husband only. I understand if you cannot attend because of your children. I'll see you for the wedding!".

Bridesmaid issue... HELP!

Re: Bridesmaid issue... HELP!

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