Rehearsal Dinner Bar Dilemma

Re: Rehearsal Dinner Bar Dilemma

• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  January 2017

  You are correct in feeling that tickets are a bad etiquette move. I would go with option #2 first. If FILs still insist on a full bar, go for option #3. Explain to them that while you really appreciate them hosting the dinner, you don't feel comfortable  with the ticket idea since it is against etiquette. Good luck!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2017

  Either options 2 or 3. Option 1, even though it's not your etiquette error, unfortunately could leave the guests holding you responsible by association if not in fact.
  
  I'd tell your FMIL, "I understand your financial concerns, but let's see if we can come up with another solution besides drink tickets. I'm worried that doing that will alienate guests." 

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• 00kim00 member

  

  January 2017 edited January 2017

  My first response would be to suggest no alcoholic drinks at all. There's no need for it, and I would say alcohol is less common at rehearsal dinners than at weddings. That would definitely respect your FILs need to manage costs and make sure guests are well hosted. 
  
  ETA: and just make sure the bar in that room is closed so you don't end up with a cash bar

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• LondonLisa member

  

  January 2017

  kaf1788 said:

  Hi everyone,
  
  I've found myself in a bit of an awkward situation with our rehearsal dinner and was hoping the etiquette experts could help me figure out the best course of action . My FI's parents very generously offered to host our rehearsal dinner, which we accepted. They plan on inviting the majority of their extended family who will be traveling for the occasion, along with our bridal parties and their SO's, so the total number of guests will end up being around 50-60. Since the size is so large, we didn't have a ton of options in the area and ended up booking a nice private room in a restaurant with it's own separate bar in the room.
  
  This all sounded great, but today we were talking to FI's mom and she mentioned they were thinking of giving 2 drink tickets to everybody at the RD to make sure the bar costs didn't get out of control. I absolutely do not want them to spend a dollar more than they're comfortable with, but I definitely froze up a little when I heard the words "drink tickets". I kind of just smiled and nodded at the moment, but the more I think about it, it just feels so tacky to me. At this point I feel like I have the following options:
  
  1. Just let them do whatever they want since they're paying. Their etiquette mistake, not mine.
  2. Maybe suggest another cost saving method, like limiting the bar to beer and wine only? And see if the bar in the private room can just take down any liquor they have displayed?
  3. Offer to pay the cost of the alcohol ourselves. I feel like I know our crowd pretty well and I really can't imagine anybody going buckwild at our rehearsal dinner.
  
  What do you guys think would be the best option here? Or do you have another suggestion entirely? I really want to have solid etiquette here, but I also don't want to make FI's parents feel bad, like what they're offering isn't good enough for me. Any input would be greatly appreciated!

  You only have 3 options different options: 
  1.) dry rehearsal. 
  
  2.) have your fi float the idea of you two paying for  alcohol to his parents. If they accept, great! If not, and you don't want dry,  you only have plan 3
  
  3.) cancel the whole party and host it yourselves.
  
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2017

  I would suggest beer and wine only (option 2). If they say no, then ask if you and FI can pick up the remainder of the bar tab.
  
  You are correct, drink tickets are VERY tacky. And you could go the route of saying nothing but it really does reflect on you too since you are accepting the party when you could have hosted it yourself the right way.

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• Heffalump member

  

  January 2017

  If they wouldn't invite people to their house and then use drink tickets to ration their consumption--and I'm fervently hoping that they wouldn't--then it's not okay to do so at the RD, for the same reasons. 
  
  I agree, it's awkward to tell someone that their idea is rude, so I totally get why you just smiled and nodded in the moment.  But it's also okay to go back and say that you and your FI don't want to offend your guests, and you're happy to work with them to either limit the bar menu (beer/wine only is perfectly acceptable, as is a dry RD) or help cover the expense of a full, open bar.
  

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2017

  Heffalump said:

  If they wouldn't invite people to their house and then use drink tickets to ration their consumption--and I'm fervently hoping that they wouldn't--then it's not okay to do so at the RD, for the same reasons. 
  
  I agree, it's awkward to tell someone that their idea is rude, so I totally get why you just smiled and nodded in the moment.  But it's also okay to go back and say that you and your FI don't want to offend your guests, and you're happy to work with them to either limit the bar menu (beer/wine only is perfectly acceptable, as is a dry RD) or help cover the expense of a full, open bar.
  

  This is where I am.   I don't think RDs are huge drinking events but I think limiting the drinks to just 2 is a low cap and wouldn't really be appreciated.
  
  I'd try to work with them to come up with solutions.

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2017

  I'd go with #3 first. Tell them how thankful you that they are hosting the RD. Then offer to pick up the bar tab.
  
  If they decline, suggest #2.
  
  

                     

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• ahoywedding member

  

  January 2017

  2 or 3 are the best options. It's tricky sometimes if an event is held in a location (like a restaurant) that can't totally hide ALL of the alcohol, but if you're at least picking up the beer and wine and guests want to go out of their way to purchase a mixed drink, you can't really stop them and that's not on you. (Our RD is in a similar location, and we're providing beer & wine). 
  
  Typically RDs aren't huge drinking events, but it's a know your crowd thing as well. If you & FI would be happy picking up the tab for the liquor, or maybe splitting all the booze 50/50 with FILs that would be another great idea.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  February 2017

  For our RD, we did limited bar of wine & beer. When people asked for something else, the servers just politely told them that it wasn't included with the dinner but that they were welcome to open a tab at the bar. I think one or two people did because they weren't beer or wine drinkers. But even for cost savings if all you had was non-alcoholic beverages, you would still be properly hosting since there are beverages. You can have the servers let people know that there is a bar and they can open a tab if they like (assuming location would do this).

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  February 2017 edited February 2017

  Erikan73 said:

  For our RD, we did limited bar of wine & beer. When people asked for something else, the servers just politely told them that it wasn't included with the dinner but that they were welcome to open a tab at the bar. I think one or two people did because they weren't beer or wine drinkers. But even for cost savings if all you had was non-alcoholic beverages, you would still be properly hosting since there are beverages. You can have the servers let people know that there is a bar and they can open a tab if they like (assuming location would do this).

  Essentially a cash bar option.  Typically this is a no-no, OTOH, bottom line is the FIL's are paying/hosting and have a line of what they're willing to spend which is understandable.  It's also the rehearsal and not your actual wedding itself so the expectations are slightly different (as they would be for a baby or bridal shower, baptism party, Birthday/Anniversary party, etc.).  And, it's an RD, most people realize they don't want to be hung over for the main event so won't consume the adult beverages in high quantities.  I don't consider this one a "Hill to die on" in the big picture.  
  
  IMO - Offer to pay the difference above where your IL's are able to afford with a cut-off time for everyone because it's the RD, done, it's cheaper than hosting the entire event yourselves or having it a dry RD.  If the FIL's say "no" - you two have to decide what you want to do instead.

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