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She's an asshole, but she did leave a 'thank you'.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
I’ve been friends with “Laura” for 15 years and seen her through many crises. Last fall she lost her job and was evicted, so I invited her and her son to stay with us until she got back on her feet. Laura was a slob who never picked up after herself or her son, did the dishes, or picked up a broom. She spent four months surfing the internet on our couch, while I spent day and night cooking, cleaning, caring for both her child and mine, and working full-time (I was also pregnant with twins). When she finally got a job, I sat down with her to discuss a timeline for moving out, and she got upset because she was hoping to stay for several more months. I told her we weren’t kicking her out and that she didn’t have to leave immediately, but that my partner and I had to start preparing for our twins.

A week later we came home to find her, her son, and all their things gone; she’d left a generic thank-you card on the bed with her name on it. I’m really upset at her ungratefulness. She even told mutual friends that I kicked her out. We didn’t speak for a few months, and then when I tried to contact her, she didn’t return my calls because she was still angry that I asked her to find her own place. Through a mutual friend I know she expects at some point to resume our relationship, but I am no longer interested. I’m still hurt that she would end a 15-year-friendship after we housed and fed her for four months without more than a perfunctory “thanks.” I feel like conveying this to her would provide me with some closure. Is it OK to write her a letter telling her all this, and that I wish her well but no longer want to be friends?

—Need Closure

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Re: She's an asshole, but she did leave a 'thank you'.

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I don't think the letter would do much good, honestly.  If she really needs to say it, write the letter but don't send it.  Rip it up and trash it.

    It sounds like the friend went through a time of depression after losing her job.  This can be common.  Also, how tough can it be on a parents' psyche when they lose the housing for their child.  They probably feel like they can't provide for their child.

    If the friend ever reaches out, I think its perfectly fine to say that you feel the relationship has run its course and you wish her nothing but the best in the future.

    At the time LW should have asked the friend to step up while she was living with her.  It wouldn't have been out of line for LW to ask friend to do the dishes once in a while or at least clean up after herself. 

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    NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
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    Sounds like the friend did her a favor by getting all mad.
    image
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    thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    Also, Prudie pointed out that if the LW was silently seething while picking up after the friend and her son, the LW owns part of this too.  She should have used her words.  They're both assholes here.  But I think the friend more of one for packing up and moving out with no warning and then telling mutual friends that she was 'kicked out'. 
    Totally agree with this. Why would you sit around and silently seeth? LW could have saved herself from months of frustration and anger by just being an adult and talking about expectations.

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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    thefanciestbeckler said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Also, Prudie pointed out that if the LW was silently seething while picking up after the friend and her son, the LW owns part of this too.  She should have used her words.  They're both assholes here.  But I think the friend more of one for packing up and moving out with no warning and then telling mutual friends that she was 'kicked out'. 
    Totally agree with this. Why would you sit around and silently seeth? LW could have saved herself from months of frustration and anger by just being an adult and talking about expectations.
    Yep, and you can kind of see how the LW is passive-aggressive (which her friend may have picked up on) because of how's she focusing on the 'generic' thank you and feels she should have gotten something...more effusive (with maybe a gift?) vs. what she received.  She can want what she wants, but it doesn't matter because it's not what she's going to get. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If LW wanted her to be cleaner, neater, or help out around the house she should have said something. 

    And, it sounds like she just wants to get the last word in, or make it known the friend was wrong, and I just don't see the point. Be the bigger person, focus on your twins, and move on. 


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    ei34ei34 member
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    When the friend reaches out to be friends again, LW could tell her at that time that she was hurt that she lied to mutual friends.  I think she's taking her anger over the four months out on the thank you note.  I hope the LW realizes she has to get better at speaking up- I'm surprised that someone you've known for 15 years, that you feel close enough to share your home with, isn't someone you can just talk to when something is up.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    LW loses in the regard that boundaries needed to be set before allowing this person and her child in as roommates and expectations "you don't have to pay rent, but I expect you to do...to contribute, this is our house, just because you're a guest doesn't mean we're a maid service" Words!  
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    OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
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    lovesclimbing said:
    I think someone posted this in another thread, so sorry if I'm stealing something. I feel like at least half the Prudie letters could be answered with "Be an adult. Use your words."

    For some stuff, like cleaning, she should have spoken up and said something. For some of it, just ... don't do it. Why are you taking care of someone else's kid? If the kid starts to wander too close to the stairs, the correct response is "Hey, Hepzibah, Jonsibelle is getting close to the stairs," not *goes and moves Jonsibelle away from the stairs.* If she is feeding her kid dinner and Jonsibelle appears hungry, the correct response is "Hepzibah, I think Jonsibelle is hungry," not *serves Jonsibelle, makes sure she's eating everything and wipes her face and sends her off to play when she's done.*
    SITB

    JMO, if a child is involved, the child's well-being and safety come first. If the parent is not doing their job, some adult has to.


    MesmrEwe said:
    LW loses in the regard that boundaries needed to be set before allowing this person and her child in as roommates and expectations "you don't have to pay rent, but I expect you to do...to contribute, this is our house, just because you're a guest doesn't mean we're a maid service" Words!  
    I would never expect a guest to contribute, but this is more of a roommate situation. I do think "Laura" should have offered to help.
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    lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
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    edited February 2017
    OurWildKingdom said:
    lovesclimbing said:
    I think someone posted this in another thread, so sorry if I'm stealing something. I feel like at least half the Prudie letters could be answered with "Be an adult. Use your words."

    For some stuff, like cleaning, she should have spoken up and said something. For some of it, just ... don't do it. Why are you taking care of someone else's kid? If the kid starts to wander too close to the stairs, the correct response is "Hey, Hepzibah, Jonsibelle is getting close to the stairs," not *goes and moves Jonsibelle away from the stairs.* If she is feeding her kid dinner and Jonsibelle appears hungry, the correct response is "Hepzibah, I think Jonsibelle is hungry," not *serves Jonsibelle, makes sure she's eating everything and wipes her face and sends her off to play when she's done.*
    SITB

    JMO, if a child is involved, the child's well-being and safety come first. If the parent is not doing their job, some adult has to.


    MesmrEwe said:
    LW loses in the regard that boundaries needed to be set before allowing this person and her child in as roommates and expectations "you don't have to pay rent, but I expect you to do...to contribute, this is our house, just because you're a guest doesn't mean we're a maid service" Words!  
    I would never expect a guest to contribute, but this is more of a roommate situation. I do think "Laura" should have offered to help.


    -----boxes------

    Then the "some adult" should be foster parents if it's to the level of actual neglect. If the child needs dinner, the LW should tell the mom so or tell the child "go ask your mom." It's not the LW's job to take care of someone else's child unless she's a foster parent or nanny (in which case, she should be paid). The LW needed to create boundaries and refuse to parent the friend's child. Unless the mom is a truly terrible parent (and I don't really get that vibe, just that someone else stepped in so she let them and never stepped up), I doubt she's going to let her child fall down the stairs or starve for days on end. 
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