Sexism in the workplace...how do you handle it?

kimmiinthemitten · February 2017

So, I've talked before about how I have a dude job. I am in industrial sales and 90% of my customers are automotive suppliers. I am one of three women on a sales staff of over 40. Most of the sexist stuff I endure is nuanced and from customers. Mainly comments like "you really know what you're talking about," or "you're not who I was expecting," and I get a lot of qualifying questions - shit like "where's the engine?"

However, we have a new vendor that speaks down to me. He has been at this about 3 months and I'm in my 10th year at this company - 13th in the industry. He explains very basic terms to me (like residual value in a loan), has questioned my quotes and process, and just today, emailed me in red, bold, font as to what he expects me to do when he gets me the information I have been asking for for 3 days.

I wanted to respond to his red, bold email with the following but a male coworker suggested I might want to say this to him as opposed to putting it in writing. Thoughts?

I have noticed you have a habit of explaining to me what my role in this process is or how I should present my quotes. I know you’ve only been doing this for a couple months so you haven’t known me long. Therefore, I wanted to reassure you that as a 10th year associate at XCo., I am very comfortable and knowledgeable when it comes to presenting product quotes and options.

I appreciate your help and look forward to receiving your new numbers.

MNNEBride · February 2017

I'm of the opinion that you should have written "proof" in cases like this and think you should send the email. I'd be interested what others think.

VarunaTT · February 2017

I would do both; conversation and a F/U e-mail denoting what you spoke about.

I also wouldn't use that first line. I'm pondering what I would say, but pointing out his habits won't necessarily serve you well since someone participating in sexism is most like to shut down when it's brought to their attention. Probably something like, "I have been in X role at X company and [use the rest of yours]." Man, bonus points if you can find a mistake he made in his list.

Also, I'd see if he thinks you made some mistake, B/c red bold font is utterly ridiculous when dealing with a colleague. "I notice you sent me a red letter list of things to achieve. Since I have been performing this job [do you have accolades you can put here or numbers that would be impressive] for X years, I am very knowledgeable of my company's procedures. Is there something in our procedures you take askance with?"

SP29 · February 2017

Hmmm....

Writing:
- you think about what you're going to say first and edit
- you have written proof you have addressed the issue yourself, should you need to take the issue up to your boss
- if he responds, you also have that in writing
- you can send your comments quickly and directly related to his previous e-mail

Verbal:
- you turn this into a conversation rather than back and forth e-mails
- he has to respond to you (or hang up!), where as an e-mail can be ignored
- possibly you lose your cool and say something you regret later (even if you meant it

)
- if you have to call specifically for this reason, you may end up playing phone tag.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying what you said in writing, but a verbal conversation can go a long way. Namely, I think the best part about the verbal conversation is that he has to respond to you. Similarly, written word is for interpretation, and specifically when dealing with conflict, you have to be careful he doesn't read tone where there isn't. He may also respond better to direct conversation from you. I wouldn't want to delay the conversation though, if you can't get a hold of him.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Also as someone in a male dominated field I would prefer written over verbal communication, and I like @VarunaTT's language specifically referencing his list and using your experience to "assure" him (which BTW is bullshit bc you shouldn't need to reassure anyone).

I prefer written bc its possible (unlikely, but possible) he doesn't understand he's mansplaining things to you, or implying you're not competent. This gives him the opportunity to modify without being put on the spot, which might make him defensive. It also is a written record you attempted to change the situation in the event it continues or escalates.

thisismynickname2 · February 2017

I think you're on the right track with your original e-mail, but I generally don't directly call people out on e-mail. Ultimately, instead of telling someone you're competent, show you're competent.
When someone has tried to explain my job to me (not a male thing, just an ignorant coworker thing) I tend to reiterate what I did on x date ("you may recall I asked you for those products in red on y dates- will there be further delays in getting those deliverables? Once received, rest assured I intend to do a, b, c.")

I also throw in my experience in a roundabout way. If you have the opportunity, you can squeeze in something like, "A vendor I helped back in 2007 was very pleased with N product and I'm sure you will be too."

For the fun of it, throw in some advanced industry jargon.

Jen4948 · February 2017

I think this is an excellent response.

kimmiinthemitten · February 2017

Thanks all! He responded sooner than I was able to read all of these so I sent a version of it. Basically I added, "I'm sure it's unintentional, but you consistently..."

Ironically, the red bold type isn't even related to what he was trying to correct me on last week. He's just a male pufferfish.

I had to speak with his boss about a deal we're working together, whom I have a very good relationship with, so I had a brief, FYI I sent X an email conversation with him. His boss said, do you think it's a woman thing? I said yes. He said thanks for the heads up, I'll coach him on this.

short+sassy · February 2017

Like some other PPs have mentioned, I would call first and address the concerns you have with his e-mail...but from a "are there concerns you have with our process a,b,c". I also especially liked VarunaT's wording.

Then a follow up e-mail that outlines the conversation and the expectations on both sides.

On a funny, ironic note, I'm the Procurement Manager at my current job and am on the other side of the (sometimes) back and forth with our vendors.

I do use red, bolded font also, lol. But sparingly and only with the words, "Second Request" or "Third Request" at the top of the e-mail. This is after I have asked for an updated delivery date on a late Purchase Order or vendor documentation...and have already had my first or second e-mail ignored.

kimmiinthemitten · February 2017

And dude just responded and said "Ok I'm new so excuse me

"

Ugh. I'm pretty sure he's one of those who thinks he is doing me a favor so he'll never learn or change. I'm also pretty sure I'll outlast him in this industry so I should be fine.

I have communicated with him via phone about this as well. Actually, the very first phone call we had, so I'm okay with a blunt email at this point. Especially now that I received that response!

@short+sassy I've done the second request etc but never in red bold font. The funny thing is, I've requested the same information three times now and what he put in that font was what he expects me to do with that information when I receive it. That's not his business or place.

VarunaTT · February 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

And dude just responded and said "Ok I'm new so excuse me "

Ugh. I'm pretty sure he's one of those who thinks he is doing me a favor so he'll never learn or change. I'm also pretty sure I'll outlast him in this industry so I should be fine.

I have communicated with him via phone about this as well. Actually, the very first phone call we had, so I'm okay with a blunt email at this point. Especially now that I received that response!

@short+sassy I've done the second request etc but never in red bold font. The funny thing is, I've requested the same information three times now and what he put in that font was what he expects me to do with that information when I receive it. That's not his business or place.

That would piss me off, badly, and it's what I thought when i read your post too. No one tells me how to do my job unless they're my employer, thankssomuch. And if I'm not doing it, you're welcome to go complain to my employer...who will tell me how to do my job. Again, not you.

Diva did that to me all the time. Every time he interfered, he made things into a situation or made situations worse.

kimmiinthemitten · February 2017

VarunaTT said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

And dude just responded and said "Ok I'm new so excuse me "

Ugh. I'm pretty sure he's one of those who thinks he is doing me a favor so he'll never learn or change. I'm also pretty sure I'll outlast him in this industry so I should be fine.

I have communicated with him via phone about this as well. Actually, the very first phone call we had, so I'm okay with a blunt email at this point. Especially now that I received that response!

@short+sassy I've done the second request etc but never in red bold font. The funny thing is, I've requested the same information three times now and what he put in that font was what he expects me to do with that information when I receive it. That's not his business or place.

That would piss me off, badly, and it's what I thought when i read your post too. No one tells me how to do my job unless they're my employer, thankssomuch. And if I'm not doing it, you're welcome to go complain to my employer...who will tell me how to do my job. Again, not you.

Diva did that to me all the time. Every time he interfered, he made things into a situation or made situations worse.

Right, and it's very rare to include the vendor on the email to the customer with the quote. We were having a group discussion about the problem and the solution so I left him on for continuity. You do not need to revisit my quote, question my profit margin and advise me to add something that is already spelled out on my proposal.

Sexism in the workplace...how do you handle it?

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