Wedding Woes

Have a wedding or just elope?!

Hi...

Okay so here's the deal. We don't know whether to have a wedding or just to forget the whole show and elope somewhere beautiful, just the two of us.
I know the first thing that comes to mind is what about everyone who will be left behind? My parents do not care, they eloped and think it's romantic. My finance's parents don't care, actually he does not even know if they could travel to be here for a wedding. 

We put together a guest list initially and it was only 30-40 people...we still looked at venues which were disappointing, especially since the wedding would be so small...it just did not feel right. I DID fall in love with a ballgown when I went dress shopping and interestingly enough it all kind of came together in my head: have the wedding at my father's very beautiful and elegant estate. It's huge and perfect, the kind of place people pay to rent for their weddings. And we could have really good food for less people, good music, in my head- in theory - it sounded great and I would be wearing that Lazaro ballgown.

BTW did anyone else choose the most unexpected gown? I don't see any part of myself the gown, if that makes sense, but I loved the way I felt when I was wearing it. Anyway, when I told my father we were thinking about eloping he was pleased and offered to send us to Cannes, France where we could continue our honeymoon around France. I love it there, I've been there, France is one of my favorite places in the world but they don't have the same marriage customs that we do. Having a "spiritual ceremony" for our elopement is uncustomary in France, they get married in something like city hall with several other couples, and it is a very bureaucratic process...usually you then go to your reception and celebrate like any other couple but even church marriages are not legal in France. And we can't get legally married in France because you must obtain residency for 40 days prior or have a parent living in France. We have neither so the idea of eloping in France is romantic but also a little silly considering it is so out of context within their culture. We wanted to elope in Byron Bay, Australia but for some reason dad said no way and it bummed me out. And yes I'm in my 30s and still obey my dad, especially when he's paying. 

Thoughts, anyone?

Thanks for listening :smile:

Re: Have a wedding or just elope?!

  • edited February 2017
    *Barbie* said:
    since you can't get legally married in France, I'm not sure how you plan to "elope" there. 

    Just have whatever ceremony and party you want in the US and then go to France for your honeymoon. 

    What does your Fiance want? This is pretty much all about what you want. It's his wedding too, so decide on something together. If you want to go to Australia, do that and pay your own way. 
    Barbie,

    Thanks for the reply.

    Well the elopement in France serves the purpose of having a ceremony and exchanging vows. You hire an officiant and a photographer just like you would in the states, it's romantic- marriage is romantic. As for the legality, we would just get the marriage license here in LA at city hall. It is redundant, that's my problem with the plan. We can legally marry in Australia though...

    My fiance liked the idea of a traditional wedding, he liked the wedding at my father's place and the whole thing UNTIL the anxiety of his parents not being able to come etc...became an issue. Now he likes the idea of traveling somewhere beautiful and exchanging vows in a suit with me in a wedding dress- but just the two of us.






  • Is your Dad paying for the wedding?  Or the elopement/private wedding?  If so, he does get a say.  Not completely everything he wants, but it is his money to spend how he likes.  My first thought was what do you and your FI want?  Your post sounds like you were leaning towards a smaller wedding at your Father's place.  You and your FI need to decide if you both want to elope (or have a private wedding, since it sounds like people know about it) or have the smaller wedding you are also thinking of.  

    Your wedding has no bearing on your dress.  If you found one you loved, rock it, whether it's at a huge ceremony or at a private ceremony of just 2.      
    Thank you for responding! 
    Yes, he's paying for everything so yeah when he grimaced at the idea of Australia there was no way to argue and we are trying to be gracious. It wasn't until later that I found out you can't make it legal in France. 

    Me and FI want to travel somewhere exotic (his only suggestion was Fiji but he loves AUS too) and be alone when we exchange vows. Thanks for asking because honestly I did not know how to answer that, I actually just asked him again after reading these comments hah. 
    So it's called a private wedding when it's just the two people? I didn't know that. I guess the dress was like having that "bride experience", I still want to be a bride, you know?

    Well thank you for your input!
  • Think "Best of both worlds"...  Buy the dress for whichever wedding you ultimately decide to have.  

    IMO, just get married locally whether that's with guests or quasi-elope style, keep it simple and small, then go on the big honeymoon.  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    ILoveBeachMusicSP29
  • It sounds like your FI wants to elope, and to go to Fiji or Australia, no? If that's the case, and your father only wants to offer money for France, I would suggest paying for the wedding you and you FI want, yourselves. 

    As for the having a larger wedding v eloping; it sounds like your FI would prefer to elope, what do you prefer to do? Focus on that, and then where you go. If you really want to get married in Australia or Fiji do that, but pay for it yourselves. 
    TrixieJessInLoveInQueens
  • Did you ask your dad about paying for everything for a wedding at his estate? I got married on my husbands family's  property and even though you have far less people (I had 212 show up) it is still expensive, especially if you are doing something outside. 
    Also, why couldn't your FI's parents come to the estate wedding?


  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    As for being in your thirties and still "obeying" your dad because he's paying, I'm assuming you and your FI can scrape together the fee for a marriage license?  If so, then you can afford to get married on your own terms.  It's generous of your father to offer to pay, but as you've seen, there are strings attached.  If those aren't working for you (and/or your FI), you don't have to take the money.

    Personally, if I were old enough to get married and my FI and father wanted different things for my wedding, I'd side with the person I'm marrying.
    This.

    Oddly enough, you have the option to pay for your own wedding, and then you can do it however you like. Will it be as grand as if your dad paid for it? Maybe not, but at least you and your FI get a say.

    Having a ceremony like the one you describe in France is not what makes you married. If you don't have any specific religious beliefs about what makes a marriage "happen," you're pretty much left with the legal definition, i.e. signing/filing a marriage license. Anything else you would do is just for show, and that's why PP didn't understand the point of the French ceremony idea (and neither do I). Elope, enjoy your new legal status, take a honeymoon. Or ask your dad about getting married (legally) at his estate, with or without those 40 people.
    thefanciestbecklerInLoveInQueensCMGragain
  • Hi...

    Okay so here's the deal. We don't know whether to have a wedding or just to forget the whole show and elope somewhere beautiful, just the two of us.
    I know the first thing that comes to mind is what about everyone who will be left behind? My parents do not care, they eloped and think it's romantic. My finance's parents don't care, actually he does not even know if they could travel to be here for a wedding. 

    We put together a guest list initially and it was only 30-40 people...we still looked at venues which were disappointing, especially since the wedding would be so small...it just did not feel right. I DID fall in love with a ballgown when I went dress shopping and interestingly enough it all kind of came together in my head: have the wedding at my father's very beautiful and elegant estate. It's huge and perfect, the kind of place people pay to rent for their weddings. And we could have really good food for less people, good music, in my head- in theory - it sounded great and I would be wearing that Lazaro ballgown.

    BTW did anyone else choose the most unexpected gown? I don't see any part of myself the gown, if that makes sense, but I loved the way I felt when I was wearing it. Anyway, when I told my father we were thinking about eloping he was pleased and offered to send us to Cannes, France where we could continue our honeymoon around France. I love it there, I've been there, France is one of my favorite places in the world but they don't have the same marriage customs that we do. Having a "spiritual ceremony" for our elopement is uncustomary in France, they get married in something like city hall with several other couples, and it is a very bureaucratic process...usually you then go to your reception and celebrate like any other couple but even church marriages are not legal in France. And we can't get legally married in France because you must obtain residency for 40 days prior or have a parent living in France. We have neither so the idea of eloping in France is romantic but also a little silly considering it is so out of context within their culture. We wanted to elope in Byron Bay, Australia but for some reason dad said no way and it bummed me out. And yes I'm in my 30s and still obey my dad, especially when he's paying. 

    Thoughts, anyone?

    Thanks for listening :smile:
    Cut the strings, woman! I take from your post that your father is very wealthy; are you afraid that if you choose to live your own life, not obey him, and pay your own way, he'll cut you out of his will? Or do you still depend on him financially to maintain a certain standard of living? You want the luxuries only he can afford to pay for?

    I'm confused as to why you don't just plan a wedding you and your FI will pay for because eventually you need to live your own adult life; start doing that today as it's a good way to begin your married life.
    thefanciestbecklerInLoveInQueens
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    How does your FI feel about being financially dependent on your dad - for the wedding, and possibly in life? Why can't you have the wedding where his parents are?
    thefanciestbecklerOliveOilsMomInLoveInQueensCMGragain
  • Eloping is when two people get married privately, without anyone knowing.

    If two people are getting married alone, but other people know about it, then it's a private wedding.

    You've got a lot of options here, but first and foremost you need to get on the same page as your FI. Some options...
    - Talk to your dad about getting married at his estate, and can part of your budget go towards your FI's parents travel?
    - Get married near FI's parents so they can attend
    - Choose any other venue that can accommodate 30-40 guests; a restaurant, art gallery, botanical garden, etc.... tons of venues that you can have your ceremony and reception at
    - Pay for the wedding yourself and you and your FI can have a private wedding wherever you want
    - Private wedding at city hall, honeymoon in France
     
    You can wear that big ballgown to whatever wedding you decide to have. Don't base your plans on a dress. Base your plans on what is important to you and your FI.
    CMGragainshort+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2017
    I think you made a mistake to buy the ballgown before planning your wedding.  If the dress doesn't fit your plans, then sell it.  Sit down and watch Sex in the City (movie).  You don't want to do what Carrie did!  You can find a dress that will be more appropriate for whatever wedding you choose to have.  You plan the wedding you want FIRST, and buy the dress, SECOND.  You will be a "bride", no matter what you wear at your legal wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2017
    " Anyway, when I told my father we were thinking about eloping he was pleased and offered to send us to Cannes, France where we could continue our honeymoon around France. I love it there, I've been there, France is one of my favorite places in the world but they don't have the same marriage customs that we do. Having a "spiritual ceremony" for our elopement is uncustomary in France, they get married in something like city hall with several other couples, and it is a very bureaucratic process...usually you then go to your reception and celebrate like any other couple but even church marriages are not legal in France. And we can't get legally married in France because you must obtain residency for 40 days prior or have a parent living in France. We have neither so the idea of eloping in France is romantic but also a little silly considering it is so out of context within their culture. We wanted to elope in Byron Bay, Australia but for some reason dad said no way and it bummed me out. And yes I'm in my 30s and still obey my dad, especially when he's paying. "

    The USA and Canada both recognize religious marriages as legal marriage.  Most European countries do not, and people who want a church wedding must have two ceremonies, often on the same day - one at the courthouse, and one at the church.

    There are many places in the Caribbean that have easy marriage requirements, but not French held territories.  You might consider Quebec, Canada.  Scandinavian countries are easier for foreigners who are non-residents to be married in.  Copenhagen, Denmark would be my favorite.

    If you are set on getting married on the Riviera, just cross the border to San Remo, Italy, where marriage laws are easier for foreigners, and there is no residency requirement.  http://www.italianweddingevent.com/wedding-requirements-for-italy/requirements-for-us/  This does require planning, as all documents must be translated into Italian and certain stamps obtained prior to the marriage.

    I, too, am disturbed by your Dad's control issues.

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2017
    Ah!  Another DD.  How mature...and after I spent time giving her good suggestions, too.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    short+sassyei34
  • CMGragain said:
    Ah!  Another DD.  How mature...and after I spent time giving her good suggestions, too.
    Maybe her father told her to?  :#
    knottiej
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