problematic "helpers"

Knottie1464916244 · February 2017

So for reasons I won't go into much, my mom isn't involved in my wedding. I asked the mother of one of my bridesmaids to help. And it has kind of turned into a disaster in the last few weeks. It went from her just helping decorate the day before, and doing a few sewing projects, to her trying to take over all the bridesmaid duties. Including the shower, which initially she said she did not want to help with, that it was my sisters (MOH) duty to do that. It has also degenerated into her badgering me about some of the the things we are doing- because a seating chart poster display is cheaper than place cards we are doing that, well she won't let it go. She thinks we need individual cards. I have tried to get her to calm down, and realize that more people want to help, and we can spread things out, but it is to no avail. She has basically said to me I can either have her help and no one else's (not even the MOH) or I can have everyone else's help and not hers. This is complicated by the fact that I am very close to her daughter. I gave this woman a bunch of things that will be used in the wedding for decorations, for her to morph (previously mentioned sewing projects). I am concerned that if I tell her I don't want her help or that this is a team effort and to suck it up, that $200 in fabric I gave her will disappear, or it will be hard to get back. I'm also worried about how it will affect my friendship with her daughter and with my sister. I'm also concerned about how decorating the hall will go, I would like my thoughts and ideas to be expressed, but I fear I will be railroaded by her. Thoughts?

Jen4948 · February 2017

I wouldn't have asked her to help without offering to pay her.

But she's wrong in that it's not your bridesmaids' "duty" to help you plan your wedding either. Their only duties are to show up in the designated outfit sober, on time, and in good spirits.

Since she really doesn't seem to want to help you, I would stop expecting this woman to help you and find a paid vendor who can give you what you want or a reasonable facsimile thereof, and if none are available, I'd replant the wedding without this.

charlotte989875 · February 2017

Knottie1464916244 said:

So for reasons I won't go into much, my mom isn't involved in my wedding. I asked the mother of one of my bridesmaids to help. And it has kind of turned into a disaster in the last few weeks. It went from her just helping decorate the day before, and doing a few sewing projects, to her trying to take over all the bridesmaid duties. Including the shower, which initially she said she did not want to help with, that it was my sisters (MOH) duty to do that. It has also degenerated into her badgering me about some of the the things we are doing- because a seating chart poster display is cheaper than place cards we are doing that, well she won't let it go. She thinks we need individual cards. I have tried to get her to calm down, and realize that more people want to help, and we can spread things out, but it is to no avail. She has basically said to me I can either have her help and no one else's (not even the MOH) or I can have everyone else's help and not hers. This is complicated by the fact that I am very close to her daughter. I gave this woman a bunch of things that will be used in the wedding for decorations, for her to morph (previously mentioned sewing projects). I am concerned that if I tell her I don't want her help or that this is a team effort and to suck it up, that $200 in fabric I gave her will disappear, or it will be hard to get back. I'm also worried about how it will affect my friendship with her daughter and with my sister. I'm also concerned about how decorating the hall will go, I would like my thoughts and ideas to be expressed, but I fear I will be railroaded by her. Thoughts?

I think you need to have a conversation with her, about the things you are unhappy with. Be mature, direct, and calm when discussing your specific concerns. If you do not like something she is doing tell her directly what you are u happy about; don't use vague terms or generalities, be detailed. If she only wants to help if things are done her way you have to decide if you still want her help, or if you want to do things your way possibly without her help.

One big thing though; it's not okay for you to ask other people to work and execute your wedding plans. If they offer to help that's great and you're more than welcome to take them up on their offer, but it's pretty rude to ask people to do things for your wedding.

SP29 · February 2017

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1464916244 said:

So for reasons I won't go into much, my mom isn't involved in my wedding. I asked the mother of one of my bridesmaids to help. And it has kind of turned into a disaster in the last few weeks. It went from her just helping decorate the day before, and doing a few sewing projects, to her trying to take over all the bridesmaid duties. Including the shower, which initially she said she did not want to help with, that it was my sisters (MOH) duty to do that. It has also degenerated into her badgering me about some of the the things we are doing- because a seating chart poster display is cheaper than place cards we are doing that, well she won't let it go. She thinks we need individual cards. I have tried to get her to calm down, and realize that more people want to help, and we can spread things out, but it is to no avail. She has basically said to me I can either have her help and no one else's (not even the MOH) or I can have everyone else's help and not hers. This is complicated by the fact that I am very close to her daughter. I gave this woman a bunch of things that will be used in the wedding for decorations, for her to morph (previously mentioned sewing projects). I am concerned that if I tell her I don't want her help or that this is a team effort and to suck it up, that $200 in fabric I gave her will disappear, or it will be hard to get back. I'm also worried about how it will affect my friendship with her daughter and with my sister. I'm also concerned about how decorating the hall will go, I would like my thoughts and ideas to be expressed, but I fear I will be railroaded by her. Thoughts?

I think you need to have a conversation with her, about the things you are unhappy with. Be mature, direct, and calm when discussing your specific concerns. If you do not like something she is doing tell her directly what you are u happy about; don't use vague terms or generalities, be detailed. If she only wants to help if things are done her way you have to decide if you still want her help, or if you want to do things your way possibly without her help.

One big thing though; it's not okay for you to ask other people to work and execute your wedding plans. If they offer to help that's great and you're more than welcome to take them up on their offer, but it's pretty rude to ask people to do things for your wedding.

This.

No one is required to plan your wedding except for you and your FI. Your MOH/bridesmaids are not required to host/plan parties for you. If people offer to plan things and host parties- that is great- you are free to take them up on their offer. But you should not be asking people to do things for you without paying them for their time/effort.

Now- you've already asked your friend's mom, and she agreed. I understand feeling frustrated that she is taking over. Your biggest leg to stand on, is that this isn't her responsibility, nor her wedding, so don't give her the power to take over. You need to have a conversation with her- as above, speak directly to the things you wanted help with and what you are not happy with. If she says, "Sorry, I can only do X project Y way" you need to decide if you are OK with that, or tell her, "Sorry, this just isn't working out. I'm going to take care of X,Y,Z".

The great thing about a paid vendor, is that you are paying them for a service they are offering and the relationship is solely business. You tell them exactly what you want, and their job is to execute it. If you don't like how things are going, you tell them. You can see how this gets very muddied when you've asked someone you have a personal relationship with to do something for you for free- this person is doing YOU a favour, so you do have to tread lightly. Decide how much all of this stuff matters to you- at the end of the day, it's decor. It's icing on the cake, it doesn't affect whether or not you will get married. Obviously you want it to look nice, but does it matter EXACTLY how it looks? If not- let some of this stress go. You've asked this person to do something for you as a favour, let her do it her way. If it really does bother you and you feel she is too over the top, then I would offer to pay her for her time so far, but let her know you've decided to go in a different direction and you'll do the decor/whatever else yourself. If there are things that you didn't ask for help with that she is trying to step into (like showers and such), you can firmly but politely tell her, "Thank you for the offer, but that has already been taken care of".

Heffalump · March 2017

Knottie1464916244 said:

So for reasons I won't go into much, my mom isn't involved in my wedding. I asked the mother of one of my bridesmaids to help. And it has kind of turned into a disaster in the last few weeks. It went from her just helping decorate the day before, and doing a few sewing projects, to her trying to take over all the bridesmaid duties. Including the shower, which initially she said she did not want to help with, that it was my sisters (MOH) duty to do that. It has also degenerated into her badgering me about some of the the things we are doing- because a seating chart poster display is cheaper than place cards we are doing that, well she won't let it go. She thinks we need individual cards. I have tried to get her to calm down, and realize that more people want to help, and we can spread things out, but it is to no avail. She has basically said to me I can either have her help and no one else's (not even the MOH) or I can have everyone else's help and not hers. This is complicated by the fact that I am very close to her daughter. I gave this woman a bunch of things that will be used in the wedding for decorations, for her to morph (previously mentioned sewing projects). I am concerned that if I tell her I don't want her help or that this is a team effort and to suck it up, that $200 in fabric I gave her will disappear, or it will be hard to get back. I'm also worried about how it will affect my friendship with her daughter and with my sister. I'm also concerned about how decorating the hall will go, I would like my thoughts and ideas to be expressed, but I fear I will be railroaded by her. Thoughts?

Here's the thing: it was never your mother's job to do things for your wedding. And when she didn't, it was your job to do them yourself or pay someone else to do them, not to press someone else into service. It does not work like that.

It's not really her business how you choose to communicate your seating arrangements. She's entitled to an opinion, but now that she's voiced it, that should be the end of it. All you need to say is "FI and I have discussed it, and this works best for us," and that's that. If she persists, don't argue, don't engage, just change the subject, or even leave if she won't drop it.

I don't know why she's being so weird about helping with everything or nothing, but at least you know where she stands. Personally, I would go with nothing, rather than let her hold your wedding hostage. Hopefully you'll get your fabric back, but if not, consider it the cost of learning this particular lesson. If people volunteer, that's great; if not, you shouldn't ask for free labor.

lnixon8 · March 2017

PPS got it covered but just wanted to add that if you decide to still keep this woman acting as your free wedding planner I wouldn't let the escort cards be the hill to die on. Let her do the Escort cards (table number not where at the table you sit) based on your poster.

I did mine from Micheals with a gold sharpie and it meant people weren't all gathered around staring a poster, blocking other people's views etc. It cost less than $15 for 225 cards (enough for plenty of messups).

When you accept free labor (or actually free anything:money,dress,venue) you're giving up control of some aspect. What were you even expecting her to sew with $200 worth of fabric? That sounds like a huge project.

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