Wedding Etiquette Forum

The Ciiiiiiiiiiircle Of Wedding Invites

So we are keeping our wedding pretty small.  We invited FI's aunts, uncles, and cousins, because when all said and done there are only 40 people in his whole extended family total.  No biggie, also most aren't coming because of distance.  We still invited them because FMIL asked and I am happy to oblige.

My family on the other hand, is massive.  Also some of them are total a**holes and aren't speaking to each other, and some of them crapped all over my mom at Christmas for no other reason than they want to stir up drama.  So I have cut a swath of them out of my life.  I'm just over the rudeness and cruelty.  A bunch of my cousins, uncles, and aunts have been talking really REALLY poorly about my siblings and I, all of which isn't true, but the whole family has just become a big competition about who is doing better than who.  It's really gross, they run down each other and each others kids to make themselves look better.

I have 2 aunts that I am very close to.  One is a professional hairstylist and I am actually inviting her as a vendor because things are tight for her family and I want to help her out.  She offered to do it for free as a wedding gift, but I am going to generously compensate her because I love her.  Also she is the only person who knows my hair (she's the only one who seems to cut it properly, and she's styled it for every important event in my life, such as prom, my first wedding, etc).  She is SO excited to be part of the day, and the girls and I are picking simple styles to make her life easy so she isn't worn out by the time the party happens.  She only has sons and always wanted a girl, so she adores any chance to do girly things, and getting ready for the day is totally up her alley.

The other aunt I want to invite as a guest.  Is it ok for me to just invite the 2 aunts but exclude all of the rest of the extended family?  I am not questioning it because I'm afraid of hurting feelings.  I'm not, those people are super toxic and I am not interested in pretending I want to be in the same room as them, but if etiquette requires it, I will consider bending, or I will not invite non-vendor aunt.  We aren't inviting any cousins either.  Basically we wanted immediate family, plus these 2 aunts.  My mom has given her blessing for me to invite/exclude anyone I want, but she also side-eyed our open bar, LOL, so I don't trust her in terms of what is and isn't acceptable.  Most of my family also side-eyes having a wedding when one is divorced.  In their eyes I should just get married quietly at the courthouse in a beige pantsuit.  My mom has been super hurt by many of her siblings and so I don't think she particularly wants them at the wedding either, but would of course be gracious should I invite them.

What do you guys think?  I'm not asking just so I can argue, promise.  I honestly want to know if I have to adhere to the circles thing, or if it's ok to leave out people I am essentially estranged from (some of these people I haven't seen/spoken to in well over a year).

Re: The Ciiiiiiiiiiircle Of Wedding Invites

  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Inviting in circles is not an etiquette requirement. Adults get their own invitation- you are free to invite, or not invite, whoever you want as long as you are not breaking up a family (inviting one minor child but not another), and you invite an adult with their SO.

    Circles are only recommended as a way to avoid hurt feelings and manage a guest list.

    If you aren't interested in having a relationship with much of your family, I think you're past worrying about the hurt feelings part. I would not invite someone to my wedding who I was not going to continue a relationship with. People have to realize that if they are going to act like assholes, there are consequences, and those consequences might mean they don't get invited places.

    So go ahead and happily invite your 2 aunts (with their SOs) and not worry about the rest of your family!
  • SP29 said:
    Inviting in circles is not an etiquette requirement. Adults get their own invitation- you are free to invite, or not invite, whoever you want as long as you are not breaking up a family (inviting one minor child but not another), and you invite an adult with their SO.

    Circles are only recommended as a way to avoid hurt feelings and manage a guest list.

    If you aren't interested in having a relationship with much of your family, I think you're past worrying about the hurt feelings part. I would not invite someone to my wedding who I was not going to continue a relationship with. People have to realize that if they are going to act like assholes, there are consequences, and those consequences might mean they don't get invited places.

    So go ahead and happily invite your 2 aunts (with their SOs) and not worry about the rest of your family!
    Oh yes. We are absolutely not excluding any SO's or breaking up an immediate family. That would be horribly rude. We even plan to extend plus ones for all truly single friends and family, especially if I can comfortably exclude my huge herd of drama-llamas from the festivities. 
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I read the title as "ciiircle of life" from the Lion King  :D
    inviting in circles is a safe, diplomatic way to invite some but not all members of a large group.  Helpful in not hurting feelings.  Ditto PP that considering your particular family dynamics, I wouldn't be worried about hurting the feelings of people who have been so hurtful themselves.  Just the two aunts and their SOs is fine.
  • eileenrob said:
    I read the title as "ciiircle of life" from the Lion King  :D
    inviting in circles is a safe, diplomatic way to invite some but not all members of a large group.  Helpful in not hurting feelings.  Ditto PP that considering your particular family dynamics, I wouldn't be worried about hurting the feelings of people who have been so hurtful themselves.  Just the two aunts and their SOs is fine.
    Ha ha that was totally the intention!  Glad it worked. And thank you!  I feel better about going with what I initially wanted :smile:
  • Do not feel obligated to invite these people to your wedding after they've been so hurtful and insulting. The only thing inviting them will accomplish is risking that they will upset you, your mom, and/or your siblings at the wedding. That's not a risk worth taking. Your plan is totally fine.
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  • At the end of the day you have to make your decision and stick to it  This may stir up some drama so you need to be clear about committing to having cut them out of your life as a long-term not a short-term one.  You also have to decide what is worth it and not for family feuds.  Only you can decide these things.
  • Given that you don't want a future relationship I think you are fine to only invite the 2 aunts and their SOs to the wedding.  As others have said the circles thing is more about avoiding drama and hurt feelings than an actual rule.

    As an aside, if you are inviting 2 aunts out of 20 (for example), I wouldn't side that.  I think the circles thing is more important when people are talking about inviting 18 out of 20 aunts.  The first comes off as being selective where the second is exclusionary. Both may cause hurt feelings, but the later is much more worse IMHO.

  • Circles aren't required by etiquette - they're just a good way to go to avoid drama, keep the peace, and be able to say "we stopped at 2nd cousins" or whatever. FTR, we didn't use them for my side of the family. Oh well.

    You DO have to invite SOs and you can't split families, but that's pretty much it in terms of who you "have" to invite. 
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