Missing my mom - how do you push on?

Re: Missing my mom - how do you push on?

• ernursej member

  

  March 2017

  I haven't lost my Mom so I don't know how that would feel.  
  
  Just looking at at the other components, no one should be expected to help with a wedding (planning or money). If someone offers, great. If the offer comes with strings or isn't what you want, you can decline. Personally, I would sit down with you FI and discuss what you guys want and how to achieve it without help from anyone else. I would stop discussing wedding related things with anyone that isn't helpful.

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• *Barbie* member

  

  March 2017

  pjcoleman79 said:

  I got engaged a few weeks ago and I should be happy and over the moon!  I am, except my mom passed away in 2014 and we were exceptionally close.  The thought of planning a wedding without her is overwhelming and puts me on the verge of panic attacks. I only have a few family members in the US and, to be honest, they are making things more difficult.  My father is controlling and manipulative constantly playing games, offers to "help" but makes excuses from time to money to the IRS as reasons why he can't (all are BS bc I handle all of his bills and investments since mom passed and he does well).  When he offered he flat out said "this must be your mother talking bc I wouldn't do something like this." Thanks dad right?   I don't care if he helps financially, but would have preferred he didn't even offer if he didn't actually plan to.  But if I bring it up and tell him not to worry, it will cause even further problems, how could I possibly question my fathers genoristy?  My brother will complain about anything and everything about the wedding bc it's not exactly what he would like from food to location to the bar (bc he could have done it all much better in his mind) but if I ask him to help he would just bitch 24/7 about helping.  My oldest brother and I do talk, nor does he talk to my father.  He only talks to our other brother when he needs $$..  I feel like I'm in an impossible spot.  My fiancés family is out of state and cannot help with details.  My fiancé knows my feelings and what's happening but I try to keep him out of my family drama as much as possible, I also don't want to bring down his happiness during this time bc I miss my mom. How do I move toward with no support emotionally (or financially) from my family? 
  
  My friends are amazing, but my best is out of state, one of the women who will be a brides maids is a teacher and new mother, and the other woman who will be in the wedding party is a single mom with no help from the father AND runs her own business!  While they would all drop everything if they knew how overwhelmed I am, their plates are beyond full and I dont want to burden them!  

  I can't speak to losing your mom or dealing with the emotion of that situation. Consider seeing a therapist or sharing your feelings with your FI. I'm sorry for your loss. 
  
  As to the rest, I presume you're an adult if you're getting married - so act like one. Ultimately you're planning a party. You and your FI plan what you want and what you can afford. Sit down and discuss what you want and what you can afford. If you need help and nobody offers, you could hire it. When it comes down to it, the only things essential are you, your FI, an officiant or some sort, a license, and the money to pay for it. 
  
  If your brother or dad offers unsolicited advice, ignore them. Don't ask for help, but be thankful and accept if it's offered and you want it. Don't count on money offers unless you have cash in hand, and don't accept money if you don't want the strings attached. 
  
  if you don't want to deal with family nonsense at all, consider eloping. 

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• kimmiinthemitten member

  

  March 2017

  First and foremost, I'm sorry for your loss. To me, it sounds like you're still grieving and while youre upcoming nuptials are exciting; they're bringing back your grieving-related emotions.
  
  I highly recoomend seeing a therapist before you continue planning. There's no way to predict how you will be emotionally on the day of your wedding. Based on how you describe your relationship with your mom, my guess is she'd want you to be happy and joyous, not stressed out and still mourning.  
  
  @misskittydanger you rarely miss a thread, but JIC, I thought you may have some good advice here. 

  
  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  March 2017

  You start by enlisting the right team around you remembering that it's only FI and yourself responsible for putting this all together.  Choose your vendors wisely such that you can hand them your budget and the detail with the trust that they'll pull your vision off without you lifting a finger.  A counselor of some sort (Marriage & Family Therapist) as marriage prep is a good start for all couples even in "perfect" relationships (Some churches require this as part of getting married).  The dynamic involving your family is something you absolutely need to address as you need to set boundaries and set them deep.   Investing a few sessions into your self and your feelings would not be out of line either as this is a hyper-emotional time for you.  You're also experiencing grief with the FOMO (fear of missing out), and that's perfectly valid and normal!  It's what you choose instead to experience that will be important.  Whether that's things like dress shopping with a group or going solo or taking your Dad along if you want him there.  Do not bring the finance discussion up with your father again nor details with your brother, stick to the budget you/FI can afford and stick tight to it.  Ye who pays gets a say - and since they aren't, they don't get a say.  The difference between someone paying and someone not is "is the money in your or your vendor's bank account currently"..  If worse comes to worse, employ the use of "Bean Dip" when these discussions begin to act like they're going to get stressful for you, change the subject and do not deviate back!

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• missJeanLouise member

  

  March 2017

  I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. Lean on your FI. He should be your planning partner. It is his wedding too after all. I second getting some counseling to help dealing with grief. You can, and will, get through this and your mother will be with you in spirit the whole way.
  FWIW, My mom is alive but lives far away and is kind of self centered. She wasn't involved in my wedding planning because she either didn't know how or wasn't interested. My (then) FI and I planned and paid for our entire wedding all by ourselves. We had an 18month engagement to have enough time to save. 

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• Heffalump member

  

  March 2017

  OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I agree with the others, I think therapy would be tremendously helpful for dealing with your grief, as well as setting boundaries with your manipulative and controlling father. 
  
  In your shoes, I would tell your dad thanks, but no thanks: you and your FI have your budget covered.  If he takes offense, oh well.  He doesn't seem particularly concerned about your feelings, so I wouldn't lose too much sleep over trying to make him feel okay about being a dick.  And then you don't have to discuss it with him anymore, it's a closed subject. 
  
  And speaking of closed subjects, I don't see why you need to discuss anything about your wedding with your brother.  Tell him where and when, the end.  He can show up, or not.  Who cares whether he would have chosen a different venue or another caterer?  Not your problem. 
  
  You and your FI can plan this, on your own.  You don't need your family, or his.  You certainly don't need your bridesmaids, whose job is not to help plan your wedding for you.  Figure out what you want to do.  If neither of you can plan a daylong extravaganza, then don't.  Go to the courthouse, have your reception in a restaurant; get married in your house of worship (if applicable) with cake and punch immediately after.  Plan whatever you and your FI can handle, forget the rest, and find a good therapist. 
  
  TBH, I think you're feeling overwhelmed because of your emotions, not the logistics.  The sooner you start dealing with those, the easier the rest will become.
  

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• MissKittyDanger member

  

  March 2017

  @kimmiinthemitten  thanks for tagging me
  
  OP I lost my dad in 2014 very suddenly, so I understand the overwhelming feeling when trying to plan a wedding when a parent isn't there.
  My first suggestion is counseling. Grief or otherwise. I had 2 sessions because it wasn't for my, but my mum continued and it helped her. So it's really a personal decision, but getting all your feelings out to someone who can help you sort through it definitely helps.
  
  The idea of planning a wedding while going through grief is exhausting and frustrating and every other emotion. I hate to be barer of bad news, but this feeling continues even after the wedding with other events {important or not} so I do suggest finding someone you can talk to to help get through those moments {whether it be family, friend, your fiance ... etc}
  
  You and your fiance should plan things without telling people. It'll make it easier on your own emotions. Since you're having family issues, I would see what your friends are able/willing to do. My friends were very helpful in everything, and if they knew I was doing anything wedding related they would show up to help out {even if it was just to sit there and chat}
  
  
  Definitely stick around, we are all very helpful with ideas and suggestions - and moral support if needed

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  March 2017

  PPs have great advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry about your Mom and that you're having a hard time. 

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• SP29 member

  

  March 2017

  I am sorry for the loss of your Mom, OP .
  
  As for the rest- the only people responsible for planning the wedding are you and your FI. The only role of the people in your WP is to show up on time in the agreed upon attire (of which you privately discussed the budget with each of your WP members and chose something based on the lowest budget). So while I hope you continue your friendship with these people and they offer you moral support, even if they were local, they aren't required to help you plan your wedding.
  
  As for your dad- don't count on any money from him. Plan the wedding you and your FI can afford and if he gives you a cheque one day- great! You can put that back into your savings.
  
  As for your brothers (and dad as well), don't involve them in your planning. They will receive their invitation as any other guest and will show up on the date and time you've provided. Since they are not paying for the wedding, they do not get a say in the venue, menu, bar. Keep your wedding talk between you and your FI. Of course if you have some people in your life (or here! We will happily talk wedding plans with you) who like wedding talk, go ahead and bounce ideas around, but remember that it is you and your FI who makes the decision. If anyone gives you trouble, simply say, "We've made our decision and it is final", or "Thanks for the ideas, but we've got it covered already".
  
  Sit down with your FI and figure out what you really want on your wedding, what is most important. You really do not need all the hoopla the wedding industry says you do. All you need is the couple to be wed, an officiant, and a witness or two (depending on your state). The rest is icing (pun intended) on the cake. If you need more time to plan- take it.
  
  
  
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  March 2017 edited March 2017

  pjcoleman79 said:

  I got engaged a few weeks ago and I should be happy and over the moon!  I am, except my mom passed away in 2014 and we were exceptionally close.  The thought of planning a wedding without her is overwhelming and puts me on the verge of panic attacks. I only have a few family members in the US and, to be honest, they are making things more difficult.  My father is controlling and manipulative constantly playing games, offers to "help" but makes excuses from time to money to the IRS as reasons why he can't (all are BS bc I handle all of his bills and investments since mom passed and he does well).  When he offered he flat out said "this must be your mother talking bc I wouldn't do something like this." Thanks dad right?   I don't care if he helps financially, but would have preferred he didn't even offer if he didn't actually plan to.  But if I bring it up and tell him not to worry, it will cause even further problems, how could I possibly question my fathers genoristy?  My brother will complain about anything and everything about the wedding bc it's not exactly what he would like from food to location to the bar (bc he could have done it all much better in his mind) but if I ask him to help he would just bitch 24/7 about helping.  My oldest brother and I do talk, nor does he talk to my father.  He only talks to our other brother when he needs $$..  I feel like I'm in an impossible spot.  My fiancés family is out of state and cannot help with details.   My fiancé knows my feelings and what's happening but I try to keep him out of my family drama as much as possible, I also don't want to bring down his happiness during this time bc I miss my mom. How do I move toward with no support emotionally (or financially) from my family? 
  
  My friends are amazing, but my best is out of state, one of the women who will be a brides maids is a teacher and new mother, and the other woman who will be in the wedding party is a single mom with no help from the father AND runs her own business!  While they would all drop everything if they knew how overwhelmed I am, their plates are beyond full and I dont want to burden them!  

  
  
  
  First, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  Many brides have to deal with family loss when they plan their weddings.  I was sad that my Dad had died five years before my own wedding.
  
  Difficult families are not uncommon for brides.  My own was horrible, and DH's wasn't much better.  Our families knew each other for more than 200 years, and they HATED each other!  Wow!
  
  If Dad is playing power games with you, I suggest you revise your plans and have  simple wedding that you can afford.  Invite close family members.  If your younger brother doesn't like your plans, he can always decline the invitation (and look like a jerk.)  I think smaller, simple weddings are much easier to manage, and there will be less stress for you.
  
  If your father really wants to help you pay for your wedding, he should be willing to give you the money NOW to put into a bank account created for that purpose.  If he doesn't want to do this, then assume you won't get the money, and plan a small, simple wedding.  This is what I did.
  
  When I walked down the aisle on my Uncle's arm, I felt that Dad was in the room with us, smiling down.  Everybody else was looking daggers at each other except for my Grandmother, who was so happy for me.  We have been happily married for 40 years.
  
  You don't say when your wedding date will be.  How far are your plans?  Have you made your budget, yet?  I don't know how you can do this without Dad's commitment.
  
  Give us more information, and we will be happy to help you plan a lovely, but not too expensive or stressful wedding.  Don't be afraid to share your fears with your FI.  Communication is what marriage is all about.  He needs to know how you feel.
  

  

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• downtondiva member

  

  March 2017

  OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with others that you may want to look into counseling to help you with your grief and with dealing with your family drama. Also (and I've said this to others here before), while I get not wanting to burden your FI, you guys are going to be sharing your life together on a whole new level pretty soon, so don't be afraid to let him know how you are feeling.
  
  As for your wedding, these are a few tips I would give any bride to help make planning less stressful: 
  
  - Assume from day one that you and FI are paying for the wedding yourselves, and plan something you can afford on your own. If your father or whoever gifts you money later on in the process, you can certainly put it toward the wedding, but NEVER count on money that isn't already in your hands. Promises don't pay for anything. 
  
  -  Don't rely on other people to help you plan your wedding (it is your responsibility, after all) and don't overshare your plans. The more you share, the more people can nitpick and make you doubt yourself. 
  
  - Hire good, trustworthy vendors and don't micromanage them. They are professionals, so let them handle as many details as possible and quit worrying about them. For example, I was kind of unsure what to do about my wedding flowers, because what the heck do I know about flowers? So, I decided to just tell my florist what colors and flowers I generally liked and wanted and left the details to her. I was confident in day one that this detail was in good hands, didn't think about it much further, and the flowers at my wedding were absolutely gorgeous. 
  
  -  Finally, and maybe most important of all, there is nothing wrong with having a smaller, simpler wedding. If that is what you and your FI can afford and what you can handle planning, then that's the kind of wedding you should have. My wedding, though probably not simple by most people's standards, was smaller and less elaborate than what is typical for where I live. But over a year later, people are still telling me how much fun they had that day. 
  
  Don't be shy about asking questions here if you're feeling unsure about anything while you plan your wedding. I found these boards very helpful while planning mine. Best of luck to you. 

  
  

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• LadyCatherineDB member

  

  March 2017

  One of my parents died two years before my wedding. Even with that much time to grieve and heal, I found that wedding planning triggered some of those grieving emotions. If you do, too, just know that it's normal and OK.
  
  Tips:
  
  - Tell your vendors, specifically your photographer (who may send you a shot list with bride/mother photos on it) and your florist (who may ask about corsages "for the mothers").
  
  - If some things are too much for you, that's OK. Don't force yourself through anything that will lessen the joy at your wedding. My partner and I didn't have parent dances because I just couldn't handle it. If dress shopping without your mother is too much, it's OK to allow yourself to order dresses online and try them on at home by yourself. 
  
  - Practice self-care, and allow your partner to be there for you. By choosing not to "bring down his happiness", you may be doing both of you a disservice.
  
  Good luck with planning, and don't hesitate to ask us any other questions you may have.

  "Marriage is so disruptive to one's social circle." - Mr. Woodhouse

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• short+sassy member

  

  March 2017

  Congratulations on your engagement.  I'm sorry to hear your about your mother.  PPs have given great advice and I'll add a bit.

  My father passed away at a fairly young age, many years before my wedding.  Although my grief wasn't as fresh as yours, big events in my life bring the grief back.  It's like, "this is a person who was always supposed to be here, but they can't be."

  I don't know if you're spiritual/religious or not, but this was how I coped.  The morning of my wedding, I took some alone time to "talk" to my dad.  About the day, how much I wished he was there, but knew he was watching over me and happy for me.  I let myself just bawl and grieve.  Got it out of my system a bit.  The rest of the day, when my thoughts turned to him, I would give a little smile to let him know I felt his presence.  Plus, I knew he wouldn't want me to feel anything but happiness and joy.

  I'm sure your mother would want the same for you.  If you have moments during the planning or at the wedding where you feel sad, it's okay to feel sad.  But it's also okay to feel excitement and hope and happiness.  Don't feel guilty about that. 

  
  

  

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• elilik01 member

  

  March 2017

  First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mother a few years ago and have been struggling with these milestones without her. It's joyous, it's exciting, it's something most girls have always dreamed of...but our biggest support system, confidant, and cheerleader isn't here to go through this journey with us. 
  
  My advice would be to have a scaled back wedding that you and your fiance are able to pay for. This doesn't mean you can't wear a fancy dress or eat amazing food..it just means that perhaps you have a wedding on a Friday evening or Sunday afternoon and have a reception at a nice restaurant. This way, you no longer have to rely on your father's fluctuating offers for assistance and there's nothing he can control. And you can voice to your brother that although you appreciate his input, it's YOUR wedding and YOUR guests will eat and drink whatever YOU want them to. 
  
  As for your friends and future in-laws, USE them. They are your friends for a reason and even if you think their plates are full, know that they are probably wanting to help but unsure how, especially with how bitterly-sweet and emotional this time is for you. there's a lot of calls that an be made and planning that can be set up from out of state. Honestly, use your friends...they want to be there and you need that support, especially when it doesn't quite sound like you're getting it from your own family. 
  
  I think once you start getting the plans in motion, you'll be happily surprised by the amount of friends and family and acquaintances that will offer to help. Best of luck...and know that your mom was with you yesterday, today, will be tomorrow, and will be there on your big day
  

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• Heffalump member

  

  March 2017

  elilik01 said:

  
  As for your friends and future in-laws, USE them. They are your friends for a reason and even if you think their plates are full, know that they are probably wanting to help but unsure how, especially with how bitterly-sweet and emotional this time is for you. there's a lot of calls that an be made and planning that can be set up from out of state. Honestly, use your friends...they want to be there and you need that support, especially when it doesn't quite sound like you're getting it from your own family. 
  
  I think once you start getting the plans in motion, you'll be happily surprised by the amount of friends and family and acquaintances that will offer to help. Best of luck...and know that your mom was with you yesterday, today, will be tomorrow, and will be there on your big day
  

  Well, no.  Yes, if they offer (your second paragraph)--if someone offers to help, then it's fine to accept.  But if they don't offer, then the OP can't press them into service making calls or whatever.  I'm not crazy about advice that repeatedly says "use your friends."
  

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• MissKittyDanger member

  

  March 2017

  short+sassy said:

  Congratulations on your engagement.  I'm sorry to hear your about your mother.  PPs have given great advice and I'll add a bit.

  My father passed away at a fairly young age, many years before my wedding.  Although my grief wasn't as fresh as yours, big events in my life bring the grief back.  It's like, "this is a person who was always supposed to be here, but they can't be."

  I don't know if you're spiritual/religious or not, but this was how I coped.  The morning of my wedding, I took some alone time to "talk" to my dad.  About the day, how much I wished he was there, but knew he was watching over me and happy for me.  I let myself just bawl and grieve.  Got it out of my system a bit.  The rest of the day, when my thoughts turned to him, I would give a little smile to let him know I felt his presence.  Plus, I knew he wouldn't want me to feel anything but happiness and joy.

  I'm sure your mother would want the same for you.  If you have moments during the planning or at the wedding where you feel sad, it's okay to feel sad.  But it's also okay to feel excitement and hope and happiness.  Don't feel guilty about that. 

  
  

  1000x yes to bolded.

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