Uninviting TWO bridesmaids

catiemaxie · March 2017

First of all, I asked 4 girls to be in my bridal party: my Matron of Honor (who has been my life saver and helped me so much), my MOH/sister, and two girlfriends. A little later, I asked two more girls but honestly, they weren't my first choice and I had some doubts, but I asked them because they were there the night I met my fiancée and I was optimistic about them being wonderful bridesmaids.

At first, the two were so excited and very supportive. But for the past 4-5 months, they have been out of touch, not communicating, and procrastinating. The wedding is 3 months away and they still don't have their dresses!!! I would be fine with any sort of update or communication, like "hey, I don't have my dress because blah blah blah" and I would be as understanding as possible. But NOTHING. I try to schedule girls' nights with them or phone calls and we always seem to miss each other.

Frankly, I've been so patient but now I'm starting to panic and I think that they aren't understanding how important their job is. They've done nothing to help me plan this wedding, and I feel like I should've trusted my gut and kept myself from asking them to be bridesmaids!

im going to call both of them and just simply ask them if being a bridesmaid is something they can really handle, especially because they've failed to buy a dress thus far. I want to ask how I can help, but it's not my problem...right? Of course I want to keep a friendship with both and I do think that they'll be happy wedding guests that I'll obviously invite to the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Trip.

But has anyone had to deal with this? What did the conversation sound like and what was the result? I'm freaking out!

geebee908 · March 2017

catiemaxie said:

First of all, I asked 4 girls to be in my bridal party: my Matron of Honor (who has been my life saver and helped me so much), my MOH/sister, and two girlfriends. A little later, I asked two more girls but honestly, they weren't my first choice and I had some doubts, but I asked them because they were there the night I met my fiancée and I was optimistic about them being wonderful bridesmaids.

At first, the two were so excited and very supportive. But for the past 4-5 months, they have been out of touch, not communicating, and procrastinating. The wedding is 3 months away and they still don't have their dresses!!! I would be fine with any sort of update or communication, like "hey, I don't have my dress because blah blah blah" and I would be as understanding as possible. But NOTHING. I try to schedule girls' nights with them or phone calls and we always seem to miss each other.

Frankly, I've been so patient but now I'm starting to panic and I think that they aren't understanding how important their job is. They've done nothing to help me plan this wedding, and I feel like I should've trusted my gut and kept myself from asking them to be bridesmaids!

im going to call both of them and just simply ask them if being a bridesmaid is something they can really handle, especially because they've failed to buy a dress thus far. I want to ask how I can help, but it's not my problem...right? Of course I want to keep a friendship with both and I do think that they'll be happy wedding guests that I'll obviously invite to the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Trip.

But has anyone had to deal with this? What did the conversation sound like and what was the result? I'm freaking out!

The only "job" they have is to show up for your ceremony ready to stand up with you in the dress you agreed upon. Did you ask their budget before you picked the dress? Perhaps it's more than they want to spend on a dress.

Asking them to step down would be friendship-ending, so if you want to avoid that, just leave them to get the dress and if they don't get it, they've taken themselves out (if a dress is more important to you than the people).

charlotte989875 · March 2017

There is no way to ask them not to be bridesmaids without ruining the friendship. There just isn't. So, tell them what kind of dress to get (assuming you've asked their budget and picked a dress within it), and if there is a order deadline tell them what it is. If they don't get the dress then they've taken themselves out of the wedding party.

But they dont need to help you plan the wedding, there is nothing besides standing up in the right dress at the right time that being a BM entails, so besides that there is nothing for them to "handle". I know your wedding is incredibly important to you, and being a BM in a friend's wedding is an honor, but it is not an important job for them. You are honoring them by choosing them to be in the WP.

CMGragain · March 2017

catiemaxie said:

First of all, I asked 4 girls to be in my bridal party: my Matron of Honor (who has been my life saver and helped me so much), my MOH/sister, and two girlfriends. A little later, I asked two more girls but honestly, they weren't my first choice and I had some doubts, but I asked them because they were there the night I met my fiancée and I was optimistic about them being wonderful bridesmaids.

At first, the two were so excited and very supportive. But for the past 4-5 months, they have been out of touch, not communicating, and procrastinating. The wedding is 3 months away and they still don't have their dresses!!! I would be fine with any sort of update or communication, like "hey, I don't have my dress because blah blah blah" and I would be as understanding as possible. But NOTHING. I try to schedule girls' nights with them or phone calls and we always seem to miss each other.

Frankly, I've been so patient but now I'm starting to panic and I think that they aren't understanding how important their job is. They've done nothing to help me plan this wedding, and I feel like I should've trusted my gut and kept myself from asking them to be bridesmaids!

im going to call both of them and just simply ask them if being a bridesmaid is something they can really handle, especially because they've failed to buy a dress thus far. I want to ask how I can help, but it's not my problem...right? Of course I want to keep a friendship with both and I do think that they'll be happy wedding guests that I'll obviously invite to the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Trip.

But has anyone had to deal with this? What did the conversation sound like and what was the result? I'm freaking out!

You are so out of line! Wow!

If the two ladies do not order their dresses, and have them by the wedding, then they have put themselves out of your bridal party. No problem.

It is not a bridesmaid's "job" to help you plan your wedding. Why should they? It is YOUR wedding, not theirs. Plan your own wedding.

Wedding shower? Bachelorette trip? Has someone offered to host these for you, or are you assuming that you are entitled to them? Many brides do not get these.

When you asked them to be your bridesmaids, it was to honor THEM. It was not so that they could honor YOU. It was not so that they could do jobs, like planning your wedding, for you, either.

I suggest you stop worrying and keep quiet about your concerns. The situation will work itself out, one way or the other, and then no one will blame you for being so RUDE as to ask a bridesmaid to step down just because they haven't fulfilled your own unrealistic expectations.

lyndausvi · March 2017

Why do people think BM's jobs are sooooo important? I rarely hear how important GM's jobs are.

Oh wait, the dudes get to just show up, hopefully sober, in the correct attire. Yeah, well new flash, BM's jobs are the same.

ei34 · March 2017

catiemaxie said:

Frankly, I've been so patient but now I'm starting to panic and I think that they aren't understanding 1- how important their job is. 2- They've done nothing to help me plan this wedding, and I feel like I should've trusted my gut and kept myself from asking them to be bridesmaids!

1st bolded- The only one with an important job is your minister/reverend/JOP whoever is marrying you and your FI. Echoing PP, all that your BMs have to do is show up on time at the ceremony and stand next to you in the agreed upon dress. Just text/email/leave a vm with the absolute last day they have to buy their dresses, if they don't do this and don't show up at the ceremony, they've removed themselves from your WP. It's on them.
2nd bolded- you and your FI are the only ones responsible to plan your wedding. And a wedding planner, if you've hired one.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2017

I get it, many people are sold a bag of goods that says your WP is there to help you; they're not. If they offer, that's great but it's your and your FI's event to plan.

I would simply (and nicely) remind them of when they need to have their dresses ordered by and step back. If they show up the day of in something else, they've removed themselves.

And just a question, when is the last time you've hung out with them or talked with them about stuff other than the wedding? Perhaps they've gone MIA on you because you're so focused on the wedding you've forgotten about your friendship.

LondonLisa · March 2017

catiemaxie said:

First of all, I asked 4 girls to be in my bridal party: my Matron of Honor (who has been my life saver and helped me so much), my MOH/sister, and two girlfriends. A little later, I asked two more girls but honestly, they weren't my first choice and I had some doubts, but I asked them because they were there the night I met my fiancée and I was optimistic about them being wonderful bridesmaids. Wow, how incredibly rude. Why did you ask people you don't respect? I mean, obviously you don't respect or care about their feelings or you wouldn't be asking something so mean.

At first, the two were so excited and very supportive. But for the past 4-5 months, they have been out of touch, not communicating, and procrastinating. The wedding is 3 months away and they still don't have their dresses!!! I would be fine with any sort of update or communication, like "hey, I don't have my dress because blah blah blah" and I would be as understanding as possible. But NOTHING. I try to schedule girls' nights with them or phone calls and we always seem to miss each other. Maybe because they don;t have to do anything for YOUR wedding so far out! Let them know the last day they can order their dress and leave it.

Frankly, I've been so patient but now I'm starting to panic and I think that they aren't understanding how important their job is. They've done nothing to help me plan this wedding, and I feel like I should've trusted my gut and kept myself from asking them to be bridesmaids! Their 'job' is to show up on the day in their dress. Anything else is your job.

im going to call both of them and just simply ask them if being a bridesmaid is something they can really handle, especially because they've failed to buy a dress thus far. I want to ask how I can help, but it's not my problem...right? Of course I want to keep a friendship with both and I do think that they'll be happy wedding guests that I'll obviously invite to the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Trip. How magnanimous of you to allow them to come buy you a gift at your bridal shower and they are allowed to come celebrate you at your hen do after essentially telling them their feelings don't matter to you. You are just SUCH a good friend to allow people to still give you attention and gifts.

But has anyone had to deal with this? What did the conversation sound like and what was the result? I'm freaking out! You should be freaking out! Freaking out that you might not have any friends left after your appalling behaviour! Kicking someone out of your wedding is one of the rudest, mean and downright bratty things a person can do. Short of physical violence or coming on to the groom, YOU need to start being a better friend.

Answered you in bold.

Before you talk to them about sacking them from this 'very important job' you speak of, you should know a few things:

1.) What does their contract say with regards to layoffs from this very important job? You may need to ensure that you have done a written performance management plan with them in their annual reviews or else it could be unlawful dismissal. Have you spoken to their line managers? Usually it is at least verbal warning of poor performance and a formal written warning with a concrete plan that ties to their job description before you can sack someone for poor performance.

2.) When you schedule this meeting, make sure that they know they can have their Union representative or a trusted companion accompany them. Have you run this through your legal and HR department before you fire them from this very important job? Representatives from both HR and legal should be present as witnesses and to guide the meeting.

3.) What percentage of their salary are they entitled to? What is the severance and redundancy pay in your state per the weeks they have worked? Is this negotiable? Have they signed a non-compete clause?

4.) Have you informed HR that this performance is irreparably poor and unable to continue? I am sure they have some coaching techniques that could help you in their performance management.

5.) Have you spoken to company security to escort them from the premises. Does the IT department know to change their log ins after the dismissal meeting?

Seriously, how much attention does a grown woman need? You let them know the dress deadline and back off. Frankly, I would be taking a step back from a friendship if a close friend was acting as obnoxious and self-centred as you are. So go ahead, and kick them out for not giving you enough attention, but that is the end of the friendship. And if I heard someone I knew did this to another friend, I would be reevaluating my friendship with them as well. How unbelievably immature and frankly, just cruel.

climbingsingle · March 2017

Kicking these women out of your wedding party is a friendship-ending move. Full stop.

There are no bridesmaid duties apart from showing up the day of the wedding in the attire you selected. They are not required to help you plan your wedding. In fact, your bridal party are people YOU are honoring, not the other way around. Your reasoning for picking these women just seems...odd. They just happened to be there the night you met your FI. What about the bartender/waitress/bathroom attendant? Why not ask them to stand up in your wedding too?

I'm sure you've given them the info for purchasing the dress. Now back off. If, come the day of the wedding, they don't have the dress, they've removed themselves. Guess what? You'll still be able to get married.

Heffalump · March 2017

catiemaxie said:

First of all, I asked 4 girls to be in my bridal party: my Matron of Honor (who has been my life saver and helped me so much), my MOH/sister, and two girlfriends. A little later, I asked two more girls but honestly, they weren't my first choice and I had some doubts, but I asked them because they were there the night I met my fiancée and I was optimistic about them being wonderful bridesmaids.

Oh my god, do you realize how full of yourself you sound here? They weren't quite up to your standards, but you were hopeful that with some extra effort on their part, they might be good enough? Yuck.

When is the deadline to order dresses? If it hasn't passed yet, then sit down and let them worry about ordering them. And if it has passed, then it looks like they're not in your wedding. Problem solved.

catiemaxie said:

Frankly, I've been so patient but now I'm starting to panic and I think that they aren't understanding how important their job is. They've done nothing to help me plan this wedding, and I feel like I should've trusted my gut and kept myself from asking them to be bridesmaids!

im going to call both of them and just simply ask them if being a bridesmaid is something they can really handle, especially because they've failed to buy a dress thus far. I want to ask how I can help, but it's not my problem...right? Of course I want to keep a friendship with both and I do think that they'll be happy wedding guests that I'll obviously invite to the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Trip.

But has anyone had to deal with this? What did the conversation sound like and what was the result? I'm freaking out!

It's not their job to help you plan your wedding. What the hell? Unless you're marrying yourself, you have you and your FI. That's two people. That's plenty. There is nothing for them to handle. They haven't "failed" to buy a dress unless it's too late to order one, in which case (as I mentioned above), that's that.

TBH, you sound a little insane, and more than a little self absorbed. Maybe take a break from planning, de-stress, and get your perspective back.

mandypants90 · March 2017

Holy crap
1) Don't ask people you don't want to stand beside you. You stated you had doubts, for whatever reason. People don't change just because you're getting married.
2) As PP's have stated, it's not an effing job.
3) Did you ask them privately about their budget for a dress? Maybe they can't afford it. "Giving time to save" is not a valid answer to that question. Is it a style they are not comfortable with or do not fit in? If they can't afford it, see if you can help them out, or find a more affordable option they are comfortable with. Mix and match is a very popular option.
4) There is nothing to 'handle'
5) I hope you didn't plan your own shower/bachelorette. And don't count on them being 'happy guests'. If you call them out, chances are you'll never hear from them again.
Think very hard about what's important to you, OP.

knottiej · March 2017

How is this topic brought up so often here?? There are so many previous posts about this!

mandypants90 · March 2017

KnottieJanel said:

How is this topic brought up so often here?? There are so many previous posts about this!

I wonder the same thing. I also wonder how people will ever think their BMs will just be okay with it. Like, if someone uninvited you (general you) from being a bridesmaid, I think it's safe to say you'd be pretty damn upset.

knottiej · March 2017

mandypants90 said:

KnottieJanel said:

How is this topic brought up so often here?? There are so many previous posts about this!

I wonder the same thing. I also wonder how people will ever think their BMs will just be okay with it. Like, if someone uninvited you (general you) from being a bridesmaid, I think it's safe to say you'd be pretty damn upset.

I am not saying this is the OP, but it almost seems like a "bridal mania" mindset that clouds their judgement. People just need to calm down.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2017

I see these types of posts all of the time on facebook so I believe they're real.

Hell, someone two weeks ago was encouraged by most responses to go ahead and post a status about how rude it was of her wedding guests to a. no call no show b. get drunk and c. not provide a wedding gift totaling the estimated cost of dinner.

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

I see these types of posts all of the time on facebook so I believe they're real.

Hell, someone two weeks ago was encouraged by most responses to go ahead and post a status about how rude it was of her wedding guests to a. no call no show b. get drunk and c. not provide a wedding gift totaling the estimated cost of dinner.

Nevermind. Misread the post!

thefanciestbeckler · March 2017

This is MUD, right? Please tell me it is. It can't be real.

southernbelle0915 · March 2017

catiemaxie said:

I asked two more girls but honestly, they weren't my first choice and I had some doubts

The wedding is 3 months away and they still don't have their dresses!!!

I think that they aren't understanding how important their job is. They've done nothing to help me plan this wedding

im going to call both of them and just simply ask them if being a bridesmaid is something they can really handle, especially because they've failed to buy a dress thus far.

You asked two women you aren't really friends with to stand up in your wedding. And you are surprised (and actually mad) they aren't helping you plan your wedding. Further, you seem upset that they don't have their BM dresses THREE MONTHS before the wedding.

RELAX. Seriously. They're not responsible for helping plan your wedding. And if they don't get the dress, they take themselves out of the wedding. It doesn't sound like you're really friends with them anyway, so why do you even care?

Also, the bolded is hilarious. I would love to be a fly on the wall for this conversation. lol!!

AddieCake · March 2017

You lost me at "I asked them b/c they were there the night I met my fiance." That is not criteria for selecting a bridesmaid.

MobKaz · March 2017

catiemaxie said:

First of all, I asked 4 girls to be in my bridal party: my Matron of Honor (who has been my life saver and helped me so much), my MOH/sister, and two girlfriends. A little later, I asked two more girls but honestly, they weren't my first choice and I had some doubts, but I asked them because they were there the night I met my fiancée and I was optimistic about them being wonderful bridesmaids.

At first, the two were so excited and very supportive. But for the past 4-5 months, they have been out of touch, not communicating, and procrastinating. The wedding is 3 months away and they still don't have their dresses!!! I would be fine with any sort of update or communication, like "hey, I don't have my dress because blah blah blah" and I would be as understanding as possible. But NOTHING. I try to schedule girls' nights with them or phone calls and we always seem to miss each other.

Frankly, I've been so patient but now I'm starting to panic and I think that they aren't understanding how important their job is. They've done nothing to help me plan this wedding, and I feel like I should've trusted my gut and kept myself from asking them to be bridesmaids!

im going to call both of them and just simply ask them if being a bridesmaid is something they can really handle, especially because they've failed to buy a dress thus far. I want to ask how I can help, but it's not my problem...right? Of course I want to keep a friendship with both and I do think that they'll be happy wedding guests that I'll obviously invite to the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Trip.

But has anyone had to deal with this? What did the conversation sound like and what was the result? I'm freaking out!

You ask people to be in your wedding party because they are wonderful FRIENDS, not because they may "make" wonderful bridesmaids. And, as far as asking whether they can handle being a BM......

Image: https://tvrecappersanonymous.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/you-cant-handle.gif?w=500&h=417

firestar-2 · March 2017

I doubt you're still here OP, but, just in case:

I'm not really sure anyone actually answered your question of how the conversation should go, because there's actually a nice easy way to do this. I'll word it out for you, even, so you can copy it.

Dear BM,
As I'm sure you're aware, my special day is coming up fast. I'm a little concerned that you've not yet purchased your dress yet, and I'm wondering why that may be?
Perhaps you realised I only asked you to be a BM as a last resort; that doesn't excuse you from following up on your duties.
Anyway, that being said, I've come to realise I'm actually pretty selfish, and don't deserve to have friends that want to stand up for me and my marriage, so, I'm doing you this favour of firing you from the bridal party.
Just to show there are no hard feelings, you can totally still come bring me gifts, by me food and drinks, and come squee over my snowflake self, just, not from a position of honour, 'kay?
Can't wait to see you (seated with the regular guests) at the wedding!

There. That's not too difficult.
Best of luck, let us know how it goes.
You're welcome.

Uninviting TWO bridesmaids

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