Dear Prudence,
I have a close friend I’ve known for 12 years (we’re both in our mid-20s) and we’ve been through a lot together. She dates a lot more casually than I do, but neither of us judges the other, and we both support each other’s approach to sex and relationships. Recently we met up for a night out and she brought a new hookup along. He was so drunk he was stumbling and slurring his words; as the night progressed, he shoved me, put his hand in my face and pushed me away, grabbed me by the head and the waist, and made me incredibly uncomfortable. I had never been touched like that in my life and was horrified. During all this, my friend was periodically making out with him. At one point I told her to decide who she wanted to spend her night with, because I didn’t want to be around him. She disappeared into the bathroom and texted me to say she was having a panic attack; when I went to see her, she freaked out and said she was “having a hard time trying to keep everyone happy” and that I was making the situation worse by “going aggro.” I apologized and tried to calm her down.
The next day she was unapologetic, told me they had another date planned, and laughed about how he “didn’t remember” what had happened. I said I was disappointed she would spend time with someone who treated me so badly and she said she was sorry I felt that way. I didn’t reply and now we are not speaking. We both struggle with anxiety issues and I know she is having a difficult time, but I believe having your own struggles isn’t an excuse to treat people badly. I’m really hurt. I see that her behavior is worryingly destructive, and I am allowing myself to have a selfish reaction and keep my distance until she apologizes—but knowing her, she won’t. What should I do?
—Friend Chose Hookup Over Me