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Could a call or e-mail could help this 'process'?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
About a year ago my cousin “Evan” came out as “Elaine.” We live in different states and only see each other a few times a year at various family functions. I’ve always liked him and we have a lot in common (we’re both nurses, we enjoy the same books and movies, have similar political views). I know I’m going to miss Evan, but if becoming Elaine makes him happy and gives him peace, I’m all for it. Our family reunion is coming up this summer and I’ll be meeting my cousin-as-Elaine for the first time. The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable (I suspect some of our disapproving relatives will take care of that) but this is a new situation for me and I’m not sure how to proceed. For example, is it appropriate to say “Nice to meet you” to someone you’ve known all your life? Has Evan completely ceased to exist, and can he be mentioned, especially to Elaine? I’m happy for Elaine and looking forward to getting to know her, but I’ll always remember Evan and I don’t know how Elaine will feel if someone mentions “him.” I know that any transgender person probably has to go through some pretty extensive counseling, and more than likely Elaine won’t run screaming into the night if I say anything imperfectly, but I really want this to go as smoothly as possible for both of us.

—Nice to “Meet” You

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Re: Could a call or e-mail could help this 'process'?

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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    cupcait927 said:
    Heffalump said:
    This is so weird to me!  I understand that she (?) maybe hasn't met a lot of trans people before, but she makes it sound like the bodysnatchers came and swapped Evan for Elaine.  It doesn't sound like their relationship was based on Elaine's gender identity, so I don't really get why the LW has to miss her. 

    Part of me is glad that the LW is obviously trying, but then the other part of me is like "Why the fuck would you say 'nice to meet you' to someone you've known forever?"  I can see saying it in a joking way, but this LW sounds serious. 

    I guess I should just be glad that the LW is asking these questions now, so she can get things sorted out before seeing Elaine again.
    My BIL is a trans man. He told H and I first, then told his parents, and finally "came out" (for lack of a better term - words are escaping me this morning) on FB back in November. A number of close friends and family made comments on the post similar to "nice to meet you!" and it was in a completely sincere way and well received by my BIL. I don't think it's inappropriate at all. As long as LW is making the effort to be kind and supportive, I don't think Elaine will be offended.
    I think it depends on how it's said and who it's from. Somewhat it's getting to know them as a different person, so I would get the "nice to meet you" part. I would honestly have the same questions if someone I knew was trans like this.
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    HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    cupcait927 said:
    Heffalump said:
    This is so weird to me!  I understand that she (?) maybe hasn't met a lot of trans people before, but she makes it sound like the bodysnatchers came and swapped Evan for Elaine.  It doesn't sound like their relationship was based on Elaine's gender identity, so I don't really get why the LW has to miss her. 

    Part of me is glad that the LW is obviously trying, but then the other part of me is like "Why the fuck would you say 'nice to meet you' to someone you've known forever?"  I can see saying it in a joking way, but this LW sounds serious. 

    I guess I should just be glad that the LW is asking these questions now, so she can get things sorted out before seeing Elaine again.
    My BIL is a trans man. He told H and I first, then told his parents, and finally "came out" (for lack of a better term - words are escaping me this morning) on FB back in November. A number of close friends and family made comments on the post similar to "nice to meet you!" and it was in a completely sincere way and well received by my BIL. I don't think it's inappropriate at all. As long as LW is making the effort to be kind and supportive, I don't think Elaine will be offended.

    That's a good point.  I felt like if I were in that situation, I'd be like "What???" but someone who has lived it would know better than I would.
    �
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    cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    Heffalump said:
    cupcait927 said:
    Heffalump said:
    This is so weird to me!  I understand that she (?) maybe hasn't met a lot of trans people before, but she makes it sound like the bodysnatchers came and swapped Evan for Elaine.  It doesn't sound like their relationship was based on Elaine's gender identity, so I don't really get why the LW has to miss her. 

    Part of me is glad that the LW is obviously trying, but then the other part of me is like "Why the fuck would you say 'nice to meet you' to someone you've known forever?"  I can see saying it in a joking way, but this LW sounds serious. 

    I guess I should just be glad that the LW is asking these questions now, so she can get things sorted out before seeing Elaine again.
    My BIL is a trans man. He told H and I first, then told his parents, and finally "came out" (for lack of a better term - words are escaping me this morning) on FB back in November. A number of close friends and family made comments on the post similar to "nice to meet you!" and it was in a completely sincere way and well received by my BIL. I don't think it's inappropriate at all. As long as LW is making the effort to be kind and supportive, I don't think Elaine will be offended.

    That's a good point.  I felt like if I were in that situation, I'd be like "What???" but someone who has lived it would know better than I would.
    I mean, I would feel weird saying "nice to meet you!" to my own family member, but it really was with the best of intentions and support from those who did choose to address the FB post in that manner. 

    I do agree with @charlotte989875 that LW needs to do some research on her own and find support groups. My inlaws love their kid to death, but they're dealing with the own struggles and could benefit from finding support groups for parents of trans children.
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    SP29SP29 member
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    I kind of understand where the LW is coming from, but I don't think I'd ever say, "Nice to meet you!", I think I would say, "Hi Elaine! How's it going?". Elaine's personality hasn't changed, they are still cousins- I am sure she and the LW still enjoy the same books, movies, political views and nursing.

    But I can understand how it could be different if you meet someone after their transition where you are meeting them for the first time and LW's case where (s)he knew the person before and after. I can understand being uncomfortable on whether or not she should bring up "Evan's" life. But I agree that going online and finding some support groups would be a good resource before seeing Elaine again.
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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    I don't personally know anyone that's come out as trans, so i think it's nice that LW is trying to get feedback to as not hurt Elaine or make Elaine uncomfortable. 

    After I saw The Danish Girl,  I read more on Einar's transition to Lili - and as part of this, she gave up things that she associated with Einar (like painting) - so I could understand how the cousin may not associate all of Evan's interests with Elaine and vice versa. 
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    I don't understand LW.  Her cousin's core personality isn't magically just going to disappear because she is finally living her life the way she was meant to.  And just how complicated does LW think reminiscing is going to be?  "Hey, remember when Elaine tried to set off fourteen fire works at once and accidentally set Grandma's curtains on fire? Hey, Elaine, how is your friend Jerry from high school? He used to hang out with us all the time! I miss that guy!" 


    image
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    kerbohlkerbohl member
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    Could she just say "Nice to meet the new you, Elaine"?  

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    DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    I think I'd go up and give my cousin a hug and say, "Hi Elaine. It's so nice to see you again! How's life been treating you?" 
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    Joney Joney member
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    edited March 2017
    I definitely agree that reading up a bit about trans and trans advocacy will do wonders for LW, and I imagine that LW will realize pretty quick that Elaine is the same person they've known all along.

    Have her back with the disapproving relatives -- gently correct people if they are using Evan/he/his/it/"he/she" in conversations (and apologize if you do the same), don't ask personal questions about genitalia/transitioning/surgery (just basic human decency?), etc.  Be Elaine's advocate.

    Also, is this true?  "I know that any transgender person probably has to go through some pretty extensive counseling".
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Joney said:

    Also, is this true?  "I know that any transgender person probably has to go through some pretty extensive counseling".
    It depends; if they are doing hormone therapy, or are considering any surgical procedure then it's likely they have done some counseling. Many doctors require counseling for any medical procedures associated with transitioning. 
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    cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    Joney said:

    Also, is this true?  "I know that any transgender person probably has to go through some pretty extensive counseling".
    It depends; if they are doing hormone therapy, or are considering any surgical procedure then it's likely they have done some counseling. Many doctors require counseling for any medical procedures associated with transitioning. 
    My BIL has been going through counseling for close to a year now, in conjunction with hormone therapy. I'm fairly certain that in order to get the hormone treatments, one of the conditions was counseling.
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    Joney Joney member
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    @charlotte989875 and @cupcait927 thanks for the info!  I had a trans prof in undergrad who (if memory serves me correctly) was largely critical of the mandated counseling trans folk had to go through for hormone therapy/surgical procedures when he was going through that. He seemed to imply that it was just a checklist that they had to do, and that trans people essentially just coached each other to "pass" the counseling "test".  I think this was some time ago when "gender dysphoria" and "changing ones mind" was a big concern in the medical community, so the counseling he was referring to was probably less about support for transphobia (along with other social challenges) and more along the lines of "how long have you felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body" (or vice versa).  I have no idea how well this aligns to present day treatment, or other people's experiences, though.
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    DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    @cupcait927 please excuse my ignorance and if you don't want to answer you can tell me to eff off. When you say your BIL is a trans man, he was born a biologic female, is that correct? 
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    cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    @cupcait927 please excuse my ignorance and if you don't want to answer you can tell me to eff off. When you say your BIL is a trans man, he was born a biologic female, is that correct? 
    No worries! Yes, he was born a biologic female. He's been transitioning for close a year now and has been going through counseling and hormone therapy.
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    DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    cupcait927 said:
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    @cupcait927 please excuse my ignorance and if you don't want to answer you can tell me to eff off. When you say your BIL is a trans man, he was born a biologic female, is that correct? 
    No worries! Yes, he was born a biologic female. He's been transitioning for close a year now and has been going through counseling and hormone therapy.
    Okay. It was the transitioning for a year part that threw me and I thought maybe I was misunderstanding and that he was becoming she. 
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    cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    edited March 2017
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    cupcait927 said:
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    @cupcait927 please excuse my ignorance and if you don't want to answer you can tell me to eff off. When you say your BIL is a trans man, he was born a biologic female, is that correct? 
    No worries! Yes, he was born a biologic female. He's been transitioning for close a year now and has been going through counseling and hormone therapy.
    Okay. It was the transitioning for a year part that threw me and I thought maybe I was misunderstanding and that he was becoming she. 
    Gotcha. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole process and become more educated. H and I knew before the rest of the family, including my in-laws, so to me, it's been a learning experience for sure. The most important part is that he's in such a better place now that he can be who he truly is. 
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    DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    cupcait927 said:
    Gotcha. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole process and become more educated. H and I knew before the rest of the family, including my in-laws, so to me, it's been a learning experience for sure. The most important part is that he's in such a better place now that he can be who he truly is. 
    It's great that he has supportive family.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    Kindness trumps all...  This isn't a "bless your heart" sort of thing, this is a "Please help me navigate because you're the first person IRL I've encountered" LW- as Reggie White put it "It's a starting point" - open about not knowing and asking for guidance out of kindness is significantly different than what those who are entirely disapproving will do.  LW needs to pick up the phone meet Elaine for coffee...

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