Side Eyeing the Side Eye

NiceKindaSpice · March 2017

A former best friend (Bride) got married to a close friend (Groom). We all used to go to HS together.

We went to a private academy that only admitted 30 students into my graduating class and 60 into the graduating class immediately after ours. I, along with a majority of other class fellows, had a sibling in said junior class. We were all friends/friendly acquaintances and our parents are acquainted. The invitation that came was addressed to just my parents. So Friday came and my parents attended the wedding. Every single class fellow from my year and the year below was there with the exception of my brother and I. Honestly, I didn't mind. Their guest list, their choice. But others minded??? I'm still in touch with most of that group. I began receiving messages calling me out for being too pretentious to attend, baffling over my etiquette faux pas, and just questioning how I could be so arrogant and rude. Of course, most were worded more politely. And most of the people asking likely didn't know I wasn't invited. Plus, I'm quite introverted and have been known to avoid gatherings. So I can see why they'd make the assumptions they made. And then the bride herself messaged me about how nice my presence would've been, blah blah. Now, with all of these folk, I didn't really address it with other than formalities (although I was tempted to respond to the bride with, "You should have invited me, then"). But then the bride's BFF, who addressed the invitations went in on me. She left aggressive audio messages and called me about a dozen times complaining about how I should have come and talking about how they're all side eyeing me. I just said, "The invitation said Dr. & Mrs. so I gathered I wasn't invited." Then she went berserk! She went on about how space was limited and that they had to make choices with the guest list and so on. But that's what I'd said to her earlier?? I told her as much, excused myself, and hung up. Then the bride's bridesmaids (all girls from the friend group) messaged me to ask if they are invited to my upcoming wedding. Now, I've only called a scattered handful of the group as they're people I'm actively in contact with. The groom is one, so obviously the bride is, too. But I hadn't invited these girls. Certainly not the BFF. I don't want to. I told them that with the space, we unfortunately had to limit the invitations we extended. But now I'm getting so much stink eye and passive aggressiveness. It's so dumb to me???

So please, share with me an immature wedding related story and we can have a chuckle about how unnecessary some people are.

OurWildKingdom · March 2017

This is why you need to be clear when addressing invitations, people!

geebee908 · March 2017

NiceKindaSpice said:

A former best friend (Bride) got married to a close friend (Groom). We all used to go to HS together.
We went to a private academy that only admitted 30 students into my graduating class and 60 into the graduating class immediately after ours. I, along with a majority of other class fellows, had a sibling in said junior class. We were all friends/friendly acquaintances and our parents are acquainted. The invitation that came was addressed to just my parents. So Friday came and my parents attended the wedding. Every single class fellow from my year and the year below was there with the exception of my brother and I. Honestly, I didn't mind. Their guest list, their choice. But others minded??? I'm still in touch with most of that group. I began receiving messages calling me out for being too pretentious to attend, baffling over my etiquette faux pas, and just questioning how I could be so arrogant and rude. Of course, most were worded more politely. And most of the people asking likely didn't know I wasn't invited. Plus, I'm quite introverted and have been known to avoid gatherings. So I can see why they'd make the assumptions they made. And then the bride herself messaged me about how nice my presence would've been, blah blah. Now, with all of these folk, I didn't really address it with other than formalities (although I was tempted to respond to the bride with, "You should have invited me, then"). But then the bride's BFF, who addressed the invitations went in on me. She left aggressive audio messages and called me about a dozen times complaining about how I should have come and talking about how they're all side eyeing me. I just said, "The invitation said Dr. & Mrs. so I gathered I wasn't invited." Then she went berserk! She went on about how space was limited and that they had to make choices with the guest list and so on. But that's what I'd said to her earlier?? I told her as much, excused myself, and hung up. Then the bride's bridesmaids (all girls from the friend group) messaged me to ask if they are invited to my upcoming wedding. Now, I've only called a scattered handful of the group as they're people I'm actively in contact with. The groom is one, so obviously the bride is, too. But I hadn't invited these girls. Certainly not the BFF. I don't want to. I told them that with the space, we unfortunately had to limit the invitations we extended. But now I'm getting so much stink eye and passive aggressiveness. It's so dumb to me???
So please, share with me an immature wedding related story and we can have a chuckle about how unnecessary some people are.

I would've just said, "I don't go to weddings I'm not invited to" and let the stink-eye fall on the bride and groom. It's not that hard a response to make if people are calling you out directly.

NiceKindaSpice · March 2017

@geebee908 That's kinda what I did with the BFF and it didn't go so well. I just ignored the others because I don't have the energy or desire to defend myself in front of everyone. It just made me laugh that something so irrelevant would bother people. No matter the reason I didn't attend, they are wasting energy getting worked up over it. Weird.

geebee908 · March 2017

NiceKindaSpice said:

@geebee908 That's kinda what I did with the BFF and it didn't go so well. I just ignored the others because I don't have the energy or desire to defend myself in front of everyone. It just made me laugh that something so irrelevant would bother people. No matter the reason I didn't attend, they are wasting energy getting worked up over it. Weird.

Do you think everyone will respond like the BFF? Obviously, you were expected and even the bride thought you should have attended. So, if your response was something along the lines of I didn't know I was invited or I never received an invitaiton, then someone should go looking for the reason your invitation fell through the cracks. Avoidance of this conflict just confirms people's poor assumptions.

OurWildKingdom · March 2017

geebee908 said:

NiceKindaSpice said:

@geebee908 That's kinda what I did with the BFF and it didn't go so well. I just ignored the others because I don't have the energy or desire to defend myself in front of everyone. It just made me laugh that something so irrelevant would bother people. No matter the reason I didn't attend, they are wasting energy getting worked up over it. Weird.

Do you think everyone will respond like the BFF? Obviously, you were expected and even the bride thought you should have attended. So, if your response was something along the lines of I didn't know I was invited or I never received an invitaiton, then someone should go looking for the reason your invitation fell through the cracks. Avoidance of this conflict just confirms people's poor assumptions.

QFT. Dealing with conflict sucks, but you'll feel better when you've done it.

CMGragain · March 2017

NiceKindaSpice said:

A former best friend (Bride) got married to a close friend (Groom). We all used to go to HS together.
We went to a private academy that only admitted 30 students into my graduating class and 60 into the graduating class immediately after ours. I, along with a majority of other class fellows, had a sibling in said junior class. We were all friends/friendly acquaintances and our parents are acquainted. The invitation that came was addressed to just my parents. So Friday came and my parents attended the wedding. Every single class fellow from my year and the year below was there with the exception of my brother and I. Honestly, I didn't mind. Their guest list, their choice. But others minded??? I'm still in touch with most of that group. I began receiving messages calling me out for being too pretentious to attend, baffling over my etiquette faux pas, and just questioning how I could be so arrogant and rude. Of course, most were worded more politely. And most of the people asking likely didn't know I wasn't invited. Plus, I'm quite introverted and have been known to avoid gatherings. So I can see why they'd make the assumptions they made. And then the bride herself messaged me about how nice my presence would've been, blah blah. Now, with all of these folk, I didn't really address it with other than formalities (although I was tempted to respond to the bride with, "You should have invited me, then"). But then the bride's BFF, who addressed the invitations went in on me. She left aggressive audio messages and called me about a dozen times complaining about how I should have come and talking about how they're all side eyeing me. I just said, "The invitation said Dr. & Mrs. so I gathered I wasn't invited." Then she went berserk! She went on about how space was limited and that they had to make choices with the guest list and so on. But that's what I'd said to her earlier?? I told her as much, excused myself, and hung up. Then the bride's bridesmaids (all girls from the friend group) messaged me to ask if they are invited to my upcoming wedding. Now, I've only called a scattered handful of the group as they're people I'm actively in contact with. The groom is one, so obviously the bride is, too. But I hadn't invited these girls. Certainly not the BFF. I don't want to. I told them that with the space, we unfortunately had to limit the invitations we extended. But now I'm getting so much stink eye and passive aggressiveness. It's so dumb to me???
So please, share with me an immature wedding related story and we can have a chuckle about how unnecessary some people are.

It sounds like the Bride's BFF screwed up when she addressed your parents' invitation, and now she's caught in her mistake. I'm guessing that the bride is pretty embarrassed at the mistake, and blaming BFF. The bride probably didn't realize you were not included in the invitation address. (Maybe she should have addressed them, herself?)

I had something like this happen to me a few years ago. I walked into a funeral of a dear friend, and to my surprise the old, now defunct, church choir members were robed and assembled to sing at the funeral. Everybody was asked except for me! Gee, I only was a choir member for 7 years. I guess that wasn't good enough? I never said a word.
I gave my condolences to the family and quickly left before I embarrassed myself. I received many notes apologizing for the mistake, but it still hurt.
Sorry this happened to you. I think you are acting like a perfect lady.

missJeanLouise · March 2017

It is weird they didn't catch the mistake when you didn't rsvp. If they were so concerned with you attending wouldn't they have reached out before the wedding?

NiceKindaSpice · March 2017

Okay, wait, I ought to have clarified. The bride is an ex best friend for a reason. She feels I cheated her out of an academic position years ago. And we have other bad blood between us. I was invited, with my entire family, to another wedding related event but she called me separately and told me that I wasn't welcome but she'd invited me out of formality.
I don't think she thought I was invited or wanted me to be. I think it was just to keep up the social appearance. Especially considering that she initiated the entire conversation with a Snapchat Story picture of our class mates and pointed out I wasn't there.

As for just telling others, I feel it's much better to just let the situation deflate itself. If I told them, they'd likely confront the bride and that's a can of worms neither her nor my friend, the groom, need.

Thanks for responding, ladies!

knottiej · March 2017

These people sound like really nice folks. /s

charlotte989875 · March 2017

This all seems super immature to me. The weird invitation addressing, the phone calls, and you not actually responding-- like I get avoiding confrontation, but if the bride says it would have been nice to see you, why didn't you just say you weren't invited?! Avoiding the questions doesn't seem to be resolving this problem.

sparklepants41 · March 2017

charlotte989875 said:

This all seems super immature to me. The weird invitation addressing, the phone calls, and you not actually responding-- like I get avoiding confrontation, but if the bride says it would have been nice to see you, why didn't you just say you weren't invited?! Avoiding the questions doesn't seem to be resolving this problem.

All of this. Honestly - how long ago did these people graduate from HS? Because it sounds like they are very much still stuck in HS.

knottiej · March 2017

charlotte989875 said:

This all seems super immature to me. The weird invitation addressing, the phone calls, and you not actually responding-- like I get avoiding confrontation, but if the bride says it would have been nice to see you, why didn't you just say you weren't invited?! Avoiding the questions doesn't seem to be resolving this problem.

Good point. I keep wondering why after these interactions OP kept picking up or responding?

NiceKindaSpice · March 2017

@sparklepants41 Apparently not long enough ago, haha. I bet we'll be nearing our nineties and some people will still be stuck in high school.

@KnottieJanel Okay, so most of this, especially messages, was via Snapchat. I couldn't see the content before I clicked it. And once I see the messages, they know I've checked it.

@charlotte989875 honestly, before the bff messaged, I thought the bride's pm was either to rub it in or just a follow up to the Story Picture. And the others, I didn't think it was their business.

Thanks yall.

southernbelle0915 · March 2017

NiceKindaSpice said:
As for just telling others, I feel it's much better to just let the situation deflate itself. If I told them, they'd likely confront the bride and that's a can of worms neither her nor my friend, the groom, need.

I'm skeptical. It doesn't sound like this approach is deflating things at all. Rather exacerbating the drama. The story goes that everyone is mad at YOU right now and giving YOU shit. If you simply told people "I wasn't invited" people would understand why you didn't go, the heat would turn from you to them, and there wouldn't be guest list drama for your wedding.

But despite all this drama and falling on your sword for this couple who have told half-truths to your friends and scapegoated you, you're still good friends with the groom? Is there more to this story?

mandypants90 · March 2017

Dude. These people sound peachy.
I agree with @southernbelle0915. I'd just tell the simple truth.

levioosa · March 2017

Who are all of these people that are so obsessed with the guest list?! If I noticed someone was missing from a wedding I'd think, "aw, that sucks, Matt and Jamie couldn't make it." I wouldn't go on a witch hunt demanding answers.

Ro041 · March 2017

NiceKindaSpice said:

@sparklepants41 Apparently not long enough ago, haha. I bet we'll be nearing our nineties and some people will still be stuck in high school.

@KnottieJanel Okay, so most of this, especially messages, was via Snapchat. I couldn't see the content before I clicked it. And once I see the messages, they know I've checked it.

@charlotte989875 honestly, before the bff messaged, I thought the bride's pm was either to rub it in or just a follow up to the Story Picture. And the others, I didn't think it was their business.

Thanks yall.

The fun thing about Snapchat is that you can screenshot anything and the person who sent the message gets a notification that you have screenshot their pic or whatever.

Maybe I am different than you, but I would, almost instinctively, feel the need to defend myself. If you are still friends with these people, tell them the truth - that Bride told you that you weren't invited to a pre-wedding party so she made it clear you weren't welcome at the wedding. If they approach bride, so be it.

NiceKindaSpice · March 2017

@southernbelle0915 he has defended me and asked the ladies to leave me alone.

What I was thinking was: Letting them forget until my wedding arrives is much easier than this useless gossip. And after my wedding I'm (hoping that all legalities go well) moving across the pond so friendly acquaintances will become distant acquaintances

@levioosa I agree!! I just think it's mad that people are so concerned with a guest list outside of their own position in it.

But, today I did inform the groom's mother (when she called to enquire) that I wasn't invited. I was kind of motivated by all of you, haha. So thanks. But also, I wasn't going to directly lie. Hopefully this will just end here!

Thanks guys.

Mircakes · March 2017

NiceKindaSpice said:

@southernbelle0915 he has defended me and asked the ladies to leave me alone.

What I was thinking was: Letting them forget until my wedding arrives is much easier than this useless gossip. And after my wedding I'm (hoping that all legalities go well) moving across the pond so friendly acquaintances will become distant acquaintances

@levioosa I agree!! I just think it's mad that people are so concerned with a guest list outside of their own position in it.

But, today I did inform the groom's mother (when she called to enquire) that I wasn't invited. I was kind of motivated by all of you, haha. So thanks. But also, I wasn't going to directly lie. Hopefully this will just end here!

Thanks guys.

I'm not sure they'll just forget, though. Not unless your wedding is years from now. I can get that you are trying to avoid drama, but I think that by being vague about why you weren't there (instead of simply stating you weren't invited) has made your absence seem more "mysterious," therefor causing more gossip.

Why these people care so much in the first place, I don't know. But I think that telling people who inquire that you weren't invited is the best/easiest way to move past the topic. When there's no more "mystery" about what happened, people get bored and move on.

cowgirl8238 · March 2017

I would just start telling people that you weren't invited when they ask.

DrillSergeantCat · March 2017

Wait...so she invited you out of obligation to another event, called to tell you that you weren't welcome, but then also called to ask why you weren't at her wedding that you weren't invited to?

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