NWR - Multiple Showers

YourDogDontKnowSit · March 2017

So NWR, but you guys give the best etiquette advice of any of the forums I belong to.

I'm pregnant and my shower is this coming weekend. Originally when the host asked me who I wanted to invite, I included two women who are good friends of my husband and I in the city we live in currently (which isn't far from my hometown, like 30 min.) They are both part of a larger group that we regularly see for BBQs, bar nights, holidays, etc. but I am closest to these two in that we often do things just the three of us. So they were the only two of the group I asked to be invited.

Now, one of the other women from the group - she is a coworker of my husband - told my husband she wants to throw us a small shower/get together in 2 weeks that will basically be like one of the parties our group is always throwing, but celebrating the baby/pregnancy. It would be coed so husbands would be invited too and the two women I mentioned before are definitely part of this group (along with their husbands), so it would be really weird not to invite them. They fit in more at this party than the shower I'm having this weekend.

However I do not want to invite them to two showers and make them feel obligated to come to both/bring a gift to both. I feel really weird about it because we can't have this friends' group BBQ and not invite them, but they've already received invites to the other shower. Should I reach out to them and say "hey I didn't realize X was going to be hosting this BBQ for us, please don't feel like you have to go to both" or should I tell them they don't need to bring a gift to both (they don't NEED to bring a gift to either, but I know that one for sure has already purchased a gift.)? Do I say nothing? Do I decline the group BBQ (not sure how to do this since I feel uncomfortable telling the hostess it's because I already had another shower since I didn't invite her to that one...)

LondonLisa · March 2017

YourDogDontKnowSit said:

So NWR, but you guys give the best etiquette advice of any of the forums I belong to.

I'm pregnant and my shower is this coming weekend. Originally when the host asked me who I wanted to invite, I included two women who are good friends of my husband and I in the city we live in currently (which isn't far from my hometown, like 30 min.) They are both part of a larger group that we regularly see for BBQs, bar nights, holidays, etc. but I am closest to these two in that we often do things just the three of us. So they were the only two of the group I asked to be invited.

Now, one of the other women from the group - she is a coworker of my husband - told my husband she wants to throw us a small shower/get together in 2 weeks that will basically be like one of the parties our group is always throwing, but celebrating the baby/pregnancy. It would be coed so husbands would be invited too and the two women I mentioned before are definitely part of this group (along with their husbands), so it would be really weird not to invite them. They fit in more at this party than the shower I'm having this weekend.

However I do not want to invite them to two showers and make them feel obligated to come to both/bring a gift to both. I feel really weird about it because we can't have this friends' group BBQ and not invite them, but they've already received invites to the other shower. Should I reach out to them and say "hey I didn't realize X was going to be hosting this BBQ for us, please don't feel like you have to go to both" or should I tell them they don't need to bring a gift to both (they don't NEED to bring a gift to either, but I know that one for sure has already purchased a gift.)? Do I say nothing? Do I decline the group BBQ (not sure how to do this since I feel uncomfortable telling the hostess it's because I already had another shower since I didn't invite her to that one...)

'that's so kind of you. I'd prefer if it wasn't a shower or gift giving event, but I would love to come for a get together. What can I help with?'

kahluakoala · March 2017

I agree with LondonLisa - try to make the shower BBQ more of a BBQ than a shower.

I also know many people think it's tacky to bring up gifts since it implies the expectation of gifts, but I actually think situations like this are exceptions and I don't see why saying "Hey ladies (the two you're close to), I know you are now invited to both showers, but please please don't feel obligated to get multiple gifts, if you're around I would love you there to just come and enjoy!"

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2017

Actually, showers are gift giving events - the guest of honor is to be "showered" with gifts. If you are that close to these two women, I would just tell them you weren't aware another shower was in the works and for them not to worry about bringing a present to the BBQ (I'm assuming they've already planned to come and give a gift to this weekend's shower).

kimmiinthemitten · March 2017

My sisters friends do coed diaper parties; could you suggest that so it's more casual?

MairePoppy · March 2017

I wouldn't say anything to the two women. They are free to accept or decline the invitations. They will figure out their own gift budgets.

YourDogDontKnowSit · March 2017

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Actually, showers are gift giving events - the guest of honor is to be "showered" with gifts. If you are that close to these two women, I would just tell them you weren't aware another shower was in the works and for them not to worry about bringing a present to the BBQ (I'm assuming they've already planned to come and give a gift to this weekend's shower).

Yes I know that showers really are gift giving events, which is my whole problem in the situation. If they weren't it would be NBD because I wouldn't feel rude inviting them to both. I just meant that to me personally IDC if they show up empty handed to both (but I know they wouldn't). I think I might do that, we're seeing them both tomorrow for dinner so just a BTW...

Thanks all for the advice so far.

JediElizabeth · March 2017

YourDogDontKnowSit said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Actually, showers are gift giving events - the guest of honor is to be "showered" with gifts. If you are that close to these two women, I would just tell them you weren't aware another shower was in the works and for them not to worry about bringing a present to the BBQ (I'm assuming they've already planned to come and give a gift to this weekend's shower).

Yes I know that showers really are gift giving events, which is my whole problem in the situation. If they weren't it would be NBD because I wouldn't feel rude inviting them to both. I just meant that to me personally IDC if they show up empty handed to both (but I know they wouldn't). I think I might do that, we're seeing them both tomorrow for dinner so just a BTW...

Thanks all for the advice so far.

I think you're fine doing talking to them frankly like this. I'm having 2 bridal showers, and the ladies in my bridal party (as well as my mom and FI's mom) are invited to both. One shyly told me on the phone this week not to expect 2 gifts, and my immediate reaction was to tell her she shouldn't dare think extra (or any) gifts were expected. She told me she appreciated me being frank.

I'd wait to see if they bring it up first. But if they don't, I think your friends will also probably appreciate the clarity of expectations when you do tell them.

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2017

YourDogDontKnowSit said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Actually, showers are gift giving events - the guest of honor is to be "showered" with gifts. If you are that close to these two women, I would just tell them you weren't aware another shower was in the works and for them not to worry about bringing a present to the BBQ (I'm assuming they've already planned to come and give a gift to this weekend's shower).

Yes I know that showers really are gift giving events, which is my whole problem in the situation. If they weren't it would be NBD because I wouldn't feel rude inviting them to both. I just meant that to me personally IDC if they show up empty handed to both (but I know they wouldn't). I think I might do that, we're seeing them both tomorrow for dinner so just a BTW...

Thanks all for the advice so far.

I probably wasn't clear in my answer. What I meant is since they are gift giving events, gifts are expected so I wouldn't feel bad telling good friends they don't need to bring a gift to both events if they attend both.

cowgirl8238 · March 2017

For your situation I am in camp tell them you didn't know about shower 2 and let them know they don't have to bring a second gift. It sounds to me like you are close enough to be able to say this without it being awkward.

If that still makes you uncomfortable then I would go the route LondonLisa suggested about not having the BBQ be a shower.

ahoywedding · March 2017

Yeah I would tell them. I've been invited to multiple showers for a few friends, and they dropped hints to only bring one gift. Sometimes I split a gift into two smaller things so I didn't feel like a jerk in front of their family. But honestly, if a shower has enough people, I feel like it's not noticed if one or two don't bring a gift. There's always an aunt or someone who can't attend who's sent a gift ahead of time anyway.

LondonLisa · March 2017

YourDogDontKnowSit said:

So NWR, but you guys give the best etiquette advice of any of the forums I belong to.

I'm pregnant and my shower is this coming weekend. Originally when the host asked me who I wanted to invite, I included two women who are good friends of my husband and I in the city we live in currently (which isn't far from my hometown, like 30 min.) They are both part of a larger group that we regularly see for BBQs, bar nights, holidays, etc. but I am closest to these two in that we often do things just the three of us. So they were the only two of the group I asked to be invited.

Now, one of the other women from the group - she is a coworker of my husband - told my husband she wants to throw us a small shower/get together in 2 weeks that will basically be like one of the parties our group is always throwing, but celebrating the baby/pregnancy. It would be coed so husbands would be invited too and the two women I mentioned before are definitely part of this group (along with their husbands), so it would be really weird not to invite them. They fit in more at this party than the shower I'm having this weekend.

However I do not want to invite them to two showers and make them feel obligated to come to both/bring a gift to both. I feel really weird about it because we can't have this friends' group BBQ and not invite them, but they've already received invites to the other shower. Should I reach out to them and say "hey I didn't realize X was going to be hosting this BBQ for us, please don't feel like you have to go to both" or should I tell them they don't need to bring a gift to both (they don't NEED to bring a gift to either, but I know that one for sure has already purchased a gift.)? Do I say nothing? Do I decline the group BBQ (not sure how to do this since I feel uncomfortable telling the hostess it's because I already had another shower since I didn't invite her to that one...)

If you are so close to them to the point where they will throw you a shower, why didn't you invite them to the original shower in the first place?

charlotte989875 · March 2017

My sister had two baby showers, one thrown by each side of the family. The grandmothers, our aunt, myself, and her H's sister were all invited to both. I'm pretty sure she told her SIL that she wanted her to be included, but not to feel like she had to bring more gifts. She brought a pair of moccasins to our shower and gave the larger gift at the one for her side.

YourDogDontKnowSit · March 2017

LondonLisa said:

YourDogDontKnowSit said:

So NWR, but you guys give the best etiquette advice of any of the forums I belong to.

I'm pregnant and my shower is this coming weekend. Originally when the host asked me who I wanted to invite, I included two women who are good friends of my husband and I in the city we live in currently (which isn't far from my hometown, like 30 min.) They are both part of a larger group that we regularly see for BBQs, bar nights, holidays, etc. but I am closest to these two in that we often do things just the three of us. So they were the only two of the group I asked to be invited.

Now, one of the other women from the group - she is a coworker of my husband - told my husband she wants to throw us a small shower/get together in 2 weeks that will basically be like one of the parties our group is always throwing, but celebrating the baby/pregnancy. It would be coed so husbands would be invited too and the two women I mentioned before are definitely part of this group (along with their husbands), so it would be really weird not to invite them. They fit in more at this party than the shower I'm having this weekend.

However I do not want to invite them to two showers and make them feel obligated to come to both/bring a gift to both. I feel really weird about it because we can't have this friends' group BBQ and not invite them, but they've already received invites to the other shower. Should I reach out to them and say "hey I didn't realize X was going to be hosting this BBQ for us, please don't feel like you have to go to both" or should I tell them they don't need to bring a gift to both (they don't NEED to bring a gift to either, but I know that one for sure has already purchased a gift.)? Do I say nothing? Do I decline the group BBQ (not sure how to do this since I feel uncomfortable telling the hostess it's because I already had another shower since I didn't invite her to that one...)

If you are so close to them to the point where they will throw you a shower, why didn't you invite them to the original shower in the first place?

I'm not that close to the person planning the shower. I have never spent one on one time with her, we always see each other in a group, and not that often even then. However she has worked with my husband in a small lab for 6 years now, so she's throwing it for the coworkers to celebrate for/with him (and me by proxy obviously.)

kwiksilver · March 2017

LondonLisa said:

YourDogDontKnowSit said:

So NWR, but you guys give the best etiquette advice of any of the forums I belong to.

I'm pregnant and my shower is this coming weekend. Originally when the host asked me who I wanted to invite, I included two women who are good friends of my husband and I in the city we live in currently (which isn't far from my hometown, like 30 min.) They are both part of a larger group that we regularly see for BBQs, bar nights, holidays, etc. but I am closest to these two in that we often do things just the three of us. So they were the only two of the group I asked to be invited.

Now, one of the other women from the group - she is a coworker of my husband - told my husband she wants to throw us a small shower/get together in 2 weeks that will basically be like one of the parties our group is always throwing, but celebrating the baby/pregnancy. It would be coed so husbands would be invited too and the two women I mentioned before are definitely part of this group (along with their husbands), so it would be really weird not to invite them. They fit in more at this party than the shower I'm having this weekend.

However I do not want to invite them to two showers and make them feel obligated to come to both/bring a gift to both. I feel really weird about it because we can't have this friends' group BBQ and not invite them, but they've already received invites to the other shower. Should I reach out to them and say "hey I didn't realize X was going to be hosting this BBQ for us, please don't feel like you have to go to both" or should I tell them they don't need to bring a gift to both (they don't NEED to bring a gift to either, but I know that one for sure has already purchased a gift.)? Do I say nothing? Do I decline the group BBQ (not sure how to do this since I feel uncomfortable telling the hostess it's because I already had another shower since I didn't invite her to that one...)

If you are so close to them to the point where they will throw you a shower, why didn't you invite them to the original shower in the first place?

Sometimes people throw showers (particularly in work or church situations) because "it's the thing to do" and not because they feel "close" to the person. My ex-husbands office threw showers for every single pregnant woman, because the social committee felt they should. They also did birthday parties and housewarming gift baskets. It seems perfectly normal to me.

CMGragain · March 2017

Office showers are separate from social showers. There is nothing wrong with having both. The office shower is an opportunity for people to relax and have some fun. NBD,

NWR - Multiple Showers

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