Moms and Maids

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edited March 2017 in Moms and Maids
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Re: Deleted Post

  • Thanks for your response! 
    To answer your questions:

    1) all the parents (my parents, FH dad/stepmom & FH mom/stepdad) all told us to figure out and tell them how much they needed to pay. Nobody gave us amounts...so we took the final cost (thanks to an all inclusive wedding for making it easier!) and split it 5 ways. (all three parent sets and then the two of us). We broke it down and showed what all it covered and then asked them if it was too much. We were willing to take on more of the $$. They all said "It is way less than I thought it was going to be" and agreed to pay it.

    2) The deadline is what the venue set, the Monday before the event. That is what my FH told his mom. I get that I can't expect it sooner than that, I just feel that waiting until the last minute makes it easier to question if she's going to back out.

    3&4) the problem I have with getting the RSVPs from her friends is that I literally do not know any of them and only have their addresses. She told us we had to invite them for the gifts but she'd tell them they could not come (since we are so limited on the amount of people we can have). Otherwise I'd have zero problem contacting them myself to get their RSVP. 

    We can afford the wedding without her contribution, it's just not something we expected. I didn't mean demand in a mean way either...just came out like that :neutral:

    Is it best to just tell my FH that I'm stressed his mom is going to back out and that we need to just make the payment and tell her she can pay us instead of the venue? 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thanks for your response! 
    To answer your questions:

    1) all the parents (my parents, FH dad/stepmom & FH mom/stepdad) all told us to figure out and tell them how much they needed to pay. Nobody gave us amounts...so we took the final cost (thanks to an all inclusive wedding for making it easier!) and split it 5 ways. (all three parent sets and then the two of us). We broke it down and showed what all it covered and then asked them if it was too much. We were willing to take on more of the $$. They all said "It is way less than I thought it was going to be" and agreed to pay it.

    2) The deadline is what the venue set, the Monday before the event. That is what my FH told his mom. I get that I can't expect it sooner than that, I just feel that waiting until the last minute makes it easier to question if she's going to back out.

    3&4) the problem I have with getting the RSVPs from her friends is that I literally do not know any of them and only have their addresses. She told us we had to invite them for the gifts but she'd tell them they could not come (since we are so limited on the amount of people we can have). Otherwise I'd have zero problem contacting them myself to get their RSVP. 

    We can afford the wedding without her contribution, it's just not something we expected. I didn't mean demand in a mean way either...just came out like that :neutral:

    Is it best to just tell my FH that I'm stressed his mom is going to back out and that we need to just make the payment and tell her she can pay us instead of the venue? 
    Look, you have the money to cover it already yourselves, so why do you need it paid now (other than your piece of mind)? Just put this out of your head for now. You are allowed to stress about this the day after the deadline, when you call the venue to confirm payment. If not paid, pay it then. If paid, problem solved. But there is literally nothing you can do between now and the deadline. You are just spinning your wheels. Focus on other things- this is not a problem!

    After the RSVP deadline, ask FMIL for the phone numbers and call them yourself. Or use the phone book if they are older and have a landline. But you can't hassle them until after the RSVP deadline. 
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueenscupcait927
  • you're right. I'm stressing myself over something that in reality isn't a big deal. I just hate the thought of waiting until last minute. I'll def talk to my FH about just having us pay it and her write him a check when/if she decides to pay
  • I'm hoping some of what you're saying and how you're saying it is because you're stressed, but really a lot of this comes off as pretty spoiled. 

    First, you communicated to her the deadline by which things need to be paid (which isn't until May) so back off. There is no reason to think that she won't pay (unless she has a history of saying she'll do things then bailing, which if this is the case you definitely shouldn't be counting on any money), but hounding her or demanding money before then might cause her to rethink her generous offer to pay for your event. 

    Second, even if she did offer there is no way for you or your FI to demand that she pay it. Yes, it will suck if she backs out, but what are you going to do, send her a bill? How can you compel her to pay without it damaging your relationship? 

    Third, your wedding isn't until May, which presumably means RSVPs aren't due until the end of next month. Chill out. People will respond by the deadline, and if they don't at that point you can track them down; ask your FMIL for their phone numbers, check online, etc. But not before hand. 

    I get that this time can be stressful, but you're making it harder for yourselves and depending on how you handle this, can actually damage your relationship with your FMIL if you continue to pressure her. 
    lovesclimbingInLoveInQueensei34SP29
  • I agree with @LondonLisa don't do anything until the deadline has passed. Now if you have enough money to pay for her portion then I would go ahead and set that money aside in a separate savings account or something. That way you have the piece of mind knowing that the venue will get paid one way or another. If MOG does not pay it then take your money you've already set aside and use it to pay. 

    I tend to stress like this as well so I realized a couple months ago that my FI and I should put a separate savings aside for the honeymoon. FI parents have told us they were paying for it but have not given us a dollar amount or anything so I just told FI let's save some on our own in case what they give is not enough to cover the full cost since we are planning the trip ourselves. And just like that, I now have piece of mind. 

    Everyone is different when it comes to money. My parents for example called me and gave me a set dollar amount that they wanted to contribute right after we got engaged. Just because FMIL does not want to pay till the deadline does not mean she isn't planning on paying it so don't jump to conclusions. 
    lnixon8SP29short+sassy
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Holy entitlement.  

    Ditto PPs.  

    And you should have said no to inviting her friends.  Inviting people solely for gifts is gross.  


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    MesmrEweei34short+sassyDrillSergeantCat
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2017

    Showing up for the Bat Signal!

    The FMIL insisting on inviting people for the gifts only is HORRIBLY rude and ultimately reflects poorly on all three of you.  As for the money, for future brides, NEVER EVER EVER plan that you're going to get financial assistance from any one to plan your wedding.  Life happens, plans and finances change.  Never take it personally, if someone helps out, consider it a bonus(though still a gift with strings!).  There's an old saying that applies to weddings too, "Never count your chickens before they're hatched!".  If the money isn't in your bank account, it doesn't exist!
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    ernursej
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 2017
    Oh, goodie!  A new Speshul Snowflake deletes her post after she has been quoted!  I only looked because I saw the "Post Deleted" title.

    Guess what, Snowflake?  Nobody owes you money to pay for your wedding.
    You could have refused to invite your FMIL's guests, but you didn't refuse, so now if you need information, it is YOUR responsibility to track them down and ask them if they are coming.  Oh, and of course remind them that they owe you a gift? :p So classy!

    My husband's parents did not contribute one cent to our wedding, and they were a VERY wealthy family.  No complaints from me.  We had a simple church ceremony and small reception.  Suited us fine!

    I would have been much more sympathetic if the OP hadn't decided to try to delete her post, which isn't possible!  How rude.
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  • Oh wow! Is it that time of the year already? How entitled can I be? 

    Thanks for the bat signal! Thanks ladies who quoted!
    ei34CMGragainILoveBeachMusicDrillSergeantCat
  • ei34ei34 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What a mess!  Entitled is right  :s
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Idk, it sounds like OP got herself in a mess by counting money that wasn't in her pocket but she just sounded stressed to me, not entitled. She didn't flip out when PP's gave her (great) advice, she just deleted her first post. She probably didn't lurk long enough to know it is considered rude on this forum and was worried about someone she knows stumbling upon the post.

    I pretty much live by "Early is on time, On time is late" and get anxiety if I am even close to being late, aka not early. It stresses me the fuck out watching people wait till the last minute on shit that could be done ahead of time. But my MIL once gave me great advice that helped a lot, "Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do but it won't get you anywhere."
    This is where I fall, too. The biggest fight DH and I ever had was about paying vendors.  I found it far too stressful to wait until the final deadline for that last payment. What if the check bounced? What if their website was down the day we wanted to pay? I wanted to pay everything up front and not have to worry about it before the wedding. There were going to be enough things in the last six to eight weeks before we got married that I was going to have to worry about, I didn't want outstanding payments to vendors to be one of them.

    DH disagreed, and was of the mindset "why pay before it's due? We have loads of time to budget and plan. What if we pay now and something happens and we can't afford to cover that cost because we paid our photographer in advance?"

    Everyone is different. I didn't feel that OP was entitled.  Nothing she said at any point made me think that.  She just sounded a little overwhelmed and definitely stressed, which I do understand. 


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    charlotte989875ILoveBeachMusicKnottie1450330756SP29
  • Idk, it sounds like OP got herself in a mess by counting money that wasn't in her pocket but she just sounded stressed to me, not entitled. She didn't flip out when PP's gave her (great) advice, she just deleted her first post. She probably didn't lurk long enough to know it is considered rude on this forum and was worried about someone she knows stumbling upon the post.

    I pretty much live by "Early is on time, On time is late" and get anxiety if I am even close to being late, aka not early. It stresses me the fuck out watching people wait till the last minute on shit that could be done ahead of time. But my MIL once gave me great advice that helped a lot, "Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do but it won't get you anywhere."
    This is where I fall, too. The biggest fight DH and I ever had was about paying vendors.  I found it far too stressful to wait until the final deadline for that last payment. What if the check bounced? What if their website was down the day we wanted to pay? I wanted to pay everything up front and not have to worry about it before the wedding. There were going to be enough things in the last six to eight weeks before we got married that I was going to have to worry about, I didn't want outstanding payments to vendors to be one of them.

    DH disagreed, and was of the mindset "why pay before it's due? We have loads of time to budget and plan. What if we pay now and something happens and we can't afford to cover that cost because we paid our photographer in advance?"

    Everyone is different. I didn't feel that OP was entitled.  Nothing she said at any point made me think that.  She just sounded a little overwhelmed and definitely stressed, which I do understand. 
    OMG ME TOO. I was hounding vendors the days leading up to our payment deadlines because I didn't want to be late, and all of them were like hey, chill, we know you're trying to reach us it's cool. Hello, fellow type-A's ;) 
    Knottie1450330756ILoveBeachMusic
  • Idk, it sounds like OP got herself in a mess by counting money that wasn't in her pocket but she just sounded stressed to me, not entitled. She didn't flip out when PP's gave her (great) advice, she just deleted her first post. She probably didn't lurk long enough to know it is considered rude on this forum and was worried about someone she knows stumbling upon the post.

    I pretty much live by "Early is on time, On time is late" and get anxiety if I am even close to being late, aka not early. It stresses me the fuck out watching people wait till the last minute on shit that could be done ahead of time. But my MIL once gave me great advice that helped a lot, "Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do but it won't get you anywhere."
    This is where I fall, too. The biggest fight DH and I ever had was about paying vendors.  I found it far too stressful to wait until the final deadline for that last payment. What if the check bounced? What if their website was down the day we wanted to pay? I wanted to pay everything up front and not have to worry about it before the wedding. There were going to be enough things in the last six to eight weeks before we got married that I was going to have to worry about, I didn't want outstanding payments to vendors to be one of them.

    DH disagreed, and was of the mindset "why pay before it's due? We have loads of time to budget and plan. What if we pay now and something happens and we can't afford to cover that cost because we paid our photographer in advance?"

    Everyone is different. I didn't feel that OP was entitled.  Nothing she said at any point made me think that.  She just sounded a little overwhelmed and definitely stressed, which I do understand. 
    OMG ME TOO. I was hounding vendors the days leading up to our payment deadlines because I didn't want to be late, and all of them were like hey, chill, we know you're trying to reach us it's cool. Hello, fellow type-A's ;) 
    okay OP (i think that's the term I'm supposed to use) here,

    1st, thank you to those who sense my stress over entitlement. 

    I didn't know it was wrong or whatever to delete the original post. I reread what I originally wrote and realized I broke the biggest rule of not posting on the internet when you aren't clear of mind. I was in an extremely stressful moment, looking for advice, and I came across in the opposite manner of which I meant. I deleted to post because it was not a true reflection of the issue I was having and figured the best way to let it fizzle out was to delete it. 


    Anyways, I am very much a type-A person and feel exactly how some of the others (missJeanLouise, atomicblonde, atomicblonde) put it. I hate waiting until last minute to have anything done. To me it's better to be early than on time. It causes me a lot of stress (which is unnecessary, I get that) having to wait for FMIL to pay. She also has a track record of falling through and disappointing my man, so waiting until the day money is due just makes my OCD/TYPE-A personality go nuts.

    seriously didn't mean to sound like a total brat. I was just in over my head and didn't stop to calm down before originally posting.  
    It sucks waiting on others to come through, especially if they have a history of flaking in the past. Would it help, if you have the funds now, to pay it so it's out of the way and then replenish your savings/checking when she pays?

    One of the reasons we recommend not deleting posts is for posters that read threads but don't participate (lurkers); if they have a similar question or situation they can read the advice you got without starting another thread. Just a thing to learn about the boards, no harm no foul. 
    southernbelle0915SP29
  • Glad you're being cool about this, OP.

    It can be really stressful planning a wedding. It's a huge life milestone and for many people, it's the biggest/most expensive event they ever plan. And a lot of times, there are several contributors, all of whom you're trying to make happy. There are a lot of moving parts and it can be stressful to be the ring master, no matter how chill and organized you usually are. 

    Recognize that, take a deep breath (and a glass of wine), and keep reminding yourself about what's really important. It'll help you maintain your chill and perspective.
    *********************************************************************************

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    CMGragainILoveBeachMusic
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 2017
    okay OP (i think that's the term I'm supposed to use) here,

    1st, thank you to those who sense my stress over entitlement. 

    I didn't know it was wrong or whatever to delete the original post. I reread what I originally wrote and realized I broke the biggest rule of not posting on the internet when you aren't clear of mind. I was in an extremely stressful moment, looking for advice, and I came across in the opposite manner of which I meant. I deleted to post because it was not a true reflection of the issue I was having and figured the best way to let it fizzle out was to delete it. 


    Anyways, I am very much a type-A person and feel exactly how some of the others (missJeanLouise, atomicblonde, atomicblonde) put it. I hate waiting until last minute to have anything done. To me it's better to be early than on time. It causes me a lot of stress (which is unnecessary, I get that) having to wait for FMIL to pay. She also has a track record of falling through and disappointing my man, so waiting until the day money is due just makes my OCD/TYPE-A personality go nuts.

    seriously didn't mean to sound like a total brat. I was just in over my head and didn't stop to calm down before originally posting.  
    OP means Original Poster (you).

    It's OK to be stressed about your wedding.  We get that.

    I come from a family that was very dysfunctional.  When things went wrong, I was always the one who took the responsibility for trying to make things right again.  (Not always possible!)  I learned never to rely on my relatives for anything because I always wound up holding the empty bag.

    This isn't always a bad thing.  I chose a man who was very trustworthy and responsible.  I learned to be self reliant and responsible.  When I raised my own children, I tried to instill these ideas in them, and I seem to have succeeded.  They are nice adults with stable lives.

    You cannot control other people.  You can only control your own actions when dealing with them.  You will be dealing with your FILS for a very long time.  Now that you know that FMIL cannot be trusted, make future decisions with this in mind.

    I know that right now your wedding seems like the most important thing in your life, but I can assure you that down the road, it won't be.  The most important thing is that you will be marrying a man whom you can trust, and who will be building a new life together with you.  The stress of the wedding will swirl around for a while, and then you will move on to new challenges.

    Worst case scenario: 

    1.  FMIL doesn't pay.  You can pay.  It will just cramp your finances for awhile.

    2.  FMIL's guests don't respond.  They will go hungry at your reception, or, alternatively, you will absorb the costs.  Best outcome is that they won't come at all.  Since you don't personally know these people, there is no problem, as long as you treat them with politeness.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Personally, if it's really stressing you out, I would pay the vendor yourselves and then MIL can reimburse you. Who's name is on the contract anyway? If it's yours, then it would be appropriate for you to pay the vendor directly and deal with the "who is paying what" behind the scenes.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @ Knottie1450330756 said, " My fiance's parents are divorced and his dad and stepmom already bailed out of paying what they said they would, and put us in the hole. Waiting for his mom to pay "at the deadline" as she keeps saying is stressing me out so much.

    My FH just keeps saying that his mom will pay because she says she will. I try to let him handle the conversations with her since it is his mom...but at what point do I say something or forcibly make my FH demand she pay??

    I feel like she's just waiting until last minute to bail out and leave us to come up with her portion. What makes it worse is that she insisted we had to invite 20 of her friends (no other parent got to do that and it put up WAY over the #s we should have kept the guest list to) and she won't even communicate to them that they need to RSVP."


    Do you know why FI's dad bailed?  It seems unusual and unfair to allow one parent FI's mom) to make demands and not the others.  Could that be why they bailed?


  • Do you know why FI's dad bailed?  It seems unusual and unfair to allow one parent FI's mom) to make demands and not the others.  Could that be why they bailed?
    His dad and stepmom had to back out because stepmom was laid off. Which is totally understandable!  But, we offered them the same things his mom demanded (so when she wanted to add all her friends we told them they could do the same. they opted not to, so we wouldn't be overwhelmed with strangers showing up to what's supposed to be a fairly small and intimate wedding)

    BUT BUT BUT... FI talked to FMIL last night and offered to pay for everything now and if she was serious about contributing she could pay us back and she got offended. Said she wants to charge it to her cc to get the points and she can't do that if we pay. so basically we're back to square one. 

    I'm doing more focusing on everything else there is to do (we haven't picked out ANY music yet!) and less on how it's going to be paid for. I'm hoping that if I leave it "out of sight" it'll be "out of mind" and I won't have many more freak out moments over it. 

    My FI has been telling me to stress less and let him handle it, so I am going to trust him and take a step back. worst case scenario we pay and then a bunch of strangers crash the wedding. But jokes on them because the parents can't leave the venue after the wedding until extra heads have been paid for! (please sense humor in that and not meanness. sarcasm doesn't translate in type) :smile:
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Do you know why FI's dad bailed?  It seems unusual and unfair to allow one parent FI's mom) to make demands and not the others.  Could that be why they bailed?
    His dad and stepmom had to back out because stepmom was laid off. Which is totally understandable!  But, we offered them the same things his mom demanded (so when she wanted to add all her friends we told them they could do the same. they opted not to, so we wouldn't be overwhelmed with strangers showing up to what's supposed to be a fairly small and intimate wedding)

    BUT BUT BUT... FI talked to FMIL last night and offered to pay for everything now and if she was serious about contributing she could pay us back and she got offended. Said she wants to charge it to her cc to get the points and she can't do that if we pay. so basically we're back to square one. 

    I'm doing more focusing on everything else there is to do (we haven't picked out ANY music yet!) and less on how it's going to be paid for. I'm hoping that if I leave it "out of sight" it'll be "out of mind" and I won't have many more freak out moments over it. 

    My FI has been telling me to stress less and let him handle it, so I am going to trust him and take a step back. worst case scenario we pay and then a bunch of strangers crash the wedding. But jokes on them because the parents can't leave the venue after the wedding until extra heads have been paid for! (please sense humor in that and not meanness. sarcasm doesn't translate in type) :smile:
    Why??? This did not need to be brought up. See, she had a reason for waiting. You let your anxiety get the best of you and now she's rightfully offended that you didn't trust her. If you're going to set a deadline, be chill until that deadline.
    CMGragainshort+sassy
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Do you know why FI's dad bailed?  It seems unusual and unfair to allow one parent FI's mom) to make demands and not the others.  Could that be why they bailed?
    His dad and stepmom had to back out because stepmom was laid off. Which is totally understandable!  But, we offered them the same things his mom demanded (so when she wanted to add all her friends we told them they could do the same. they opted not to, so we wouldn't be overwhelmed with strangers showing up to what's supposed to be a fairly small and intimate wedding)

    BUT BUT BUT... FI talked to FMIL last night and offered to pay for everything now and if she was serious about contributing she could pay us back and she got offended. Said she wants to charge it to her cc to get the points and she can't do that if we pay. so basically we're back to square one. 

    I'm doing more focusing on everything else there is to do (we haven't picked out ANY music yet!) and less on how it's going to be paid for. I'm hoping that if I leave it "out of sight" it'll be "out of mind" and I won't have many more freak out moments over it. 

    My FI has been telling me to stress less and let him handle it, so I am going to trust him and take a step back. worst case scenario we pay and then a bunch of strangers crash the wedding. But jokes on them because the parents can't leave the venue after the wedding until extra heads have been paid for! (please sense humor in that and not meanness. sarcasm doesn't translate in type) :smile:
    Girl, you are making life so hard on yourself.  IT'S NOT THE "DEADLINE" YET.  Go have a margarita and chill out.  She's offended because you're micromanaging her. You're lucky she offered to even give you money for the wedding.  Ditto PPs about not counting the money until you have it in hand, but since that ship has sailed, you need to trust that she will follow through.  I would be so annoyed if someone kept asking me for money before the agreed upon date.  It would make me want to rescind the gift.  You and FI should be frugal the next few months just in case, but seriously, stop hounding your FMIL about it.  


    image
    InLoveInQueensCMGragainsouthernbelle0915
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Off topic, you might want to check with your vendors about credit card payments. When DD was married, we wanted to pay by credit card so we could earn points too. However, a lot of vendors (photographer, florist, DJ, lighting, even caterer) added an up charge for using a cc. FMIL might not want to pay the up charge just to earn points since it can add up to a significant amount.
    short+sassyMesmrEweaurianna
  • Do you know why FI's dad bailed?  It seems unusual and unfair to allow one parent FI's mom) to make demands and not the others.  Could that be why they bailed?
    His dad and stepmom had to back out because stepmom was laid off. Which is totally understandable!  But, we offered them the same things his mom demanded (so when she wanted to add all her friends we told them they could do the same. they opted not to, so we wouldn't be overwhelmed with strangers showing up to what's supposed to be a fairly small and intimate wedding)

    BUT BUT BUT... FI talked to FMIL last night and offered to pay for everything now and if she was serious about contributing she could pay us back and she got offended. Said she wants to charge it to her cc to get the points and she can't do that if we pay. so basically we're back to square one. 

    I'm doing more focusing on everything else there is to do (we haven't picked out ANY music yet!) and less on how it's going to be paid for. I'm hoping that if I leave it "out of sight" it'll be "out of mind" and I won't have many more freak out moments over it. 

    My FI has been telling me to stress less and let him handle it, so I am going to trust him and take a step back. worst case scenario we pay and then a bunch of strangers crash the wedding. But jokes on them because the parents can't leave the venue after the wedding until extra heads have been paid for! (please sense humor in that and not meanness. sarcasm doesn't translate in type) :smile:
    Why??? This did not need to be brought up. See, she had a reason for waiting. You let your anxiety get the best of you and now she's rightfully offended that you didn't trust her. If you're going to set a deadline, be chill until that deadline.


    And I think this is where different money management styles come in.  The Type-Aers on this board, including you OP, prefer to have the bills paid and done.  Certainly nothing wrong with that.

    But now knowing she is putting it on credit cards to get the points, I totally see her point of view.  Which is similar to mine.  When it comes to money, "time" has a value.  For large purchases, I make sure to plan for and have the money ready, but don't pay it until I have to.

    For example, I had to pay a total of $3600 in property taxes for some properties I own.  The payments were due on Jan. 31st.  Did I pay them on Jan. 2nd?  Hell no.  I paid them on Jan. 30th (which meant the payment date was Jan. 31st).

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Do you know why FI's dad bailed?  It seems unusual and unfair to allow one parent FI's mom) to make demands and not the others.  Could that be why they bailed?
    His dad and stepmom had to back out because stepmom was laid off. Which is totally understandable!  But, we offered them the same things his mom demanded (so when she wanted to add all her friends we told them they could do the same. they opted not to, so we wouldn't be overwhelmed with strangers showing up to what's supposed to be a fairly small and intimate wedding)

    BUT BUT BUT... FI talked to FMIL last night and offered to pay for everything now and if she was serious about contributing she could pay us back and she got offended. Said she wants to charge it to her cc to get the points and she can't do that if we pay. so basically we're back to square one. 

    I'm doing more focusing on everything else there is to do (we haven't picked out ANY music yet!) and less on how it's going to be paid for. I'm hoping that if I leave it "out of sight" it'll be "out of mind" and I won't have many more freak out moments over it. 

    My FI has been telling me to stress less and let him handle it, so I am going to trust him and take a step back. worst case scenario we pay and then a bunch of strangers crash the wedding. But jokes on them because the parents can't leave the venue after the wedding until extra heads have been paid for! (please sense humor in that and not meanness. sarcasm doesn't translate in type) :smile:
    Fellow type-A here. Just an idea but when you make some major purchases that require a damage deposit (apartment, signing up for utilities, etc.) you write a check and they keep that in your file, but they don't cash it until necessary (if it's necessary at all). Could you write a check and give it to the vendor for the amount for them to cash on the due date but if your FMIL does decide to pay, they just shred the check? Obviously, this is only something to do if you really trust the venue not to double charge you, but it's a happy middle grounds of sorts.
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