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Etiquette

Invitation RSVP Timing - how far in advance?

New here!

We're having our wedding on November 12th (yay!) in eastern Long Island, NY.  It's not super far for some relatives, but some will have a drive - approx 30 minutes-2 hours away depending. It's at a catering venue with an inn and tavern - so we will have an evening wedding, with after-party at the tavern and hotel rooms all onsite to make it as easy as possible (and so no one has to drive with an open bar!), with breakfast the next morning.

The venue holds the room block we have on the hotel only up to 60 days prior to the wedding.  So, instead of sending out the invites 2 months in advance (by then the hold will be lifted!), we're sending them 3 months in advance with a month to RSVP, so that anyone who wants to reserve a room can do so until the hold expires.  If anyone RSVPs to us after that, it's not a big deal to us, a hotel room just may not be available.

I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced this?  Is this too far in advance?  I'm just trying to give everyone lots of notice in case they need to make plans and comply with the hotel block contract at the same time :).

Thanks!

Re: Invitation RSVP Timing - how far in advance?

  • I would instead include this info on the save the date and wedding website. 3 months is earlier than the rule books say although I don't think it's really a problem, but your RSVP deadline should be closer to the wedding date than 2 months. 

    People who want a hotel room will be able to take care of it, and you may be surprised that many people don't. 
    short+sassyei34
  • I agree that this is info that should go on the save-the-date (if you're doing those) and on the wedding website. If you aren't doing STD's, then make sure the information about the hotel rooms gets to everyone by word-of-mouth.
    2 months is VERY far in advance to expect people to RSVP, and people aren't necessarily going to know that it's "not a big deal" to you if they don't respond by that time, and some may not know if they can make it that far ahead of time either. Make the RSVP date 2-3 weeks before the wedding instead (give yourself time to follow up with people who haven't responded by the date on the invite, because there will likely be some). 

    image
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueens
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Also, them RSVPing to you about attending the wedding should have nothing to do with the hotels. Some guests may attend but not stay at the hotel where you have a block. This happened in DD's case. Let people make their own arrangements. I agree with PP's that your RSVP date will be too early and sending out invites at 3 months is too early. StD's and your website will convey the information people need to find accommodations.
    charlotte989875CMGragainSP29
  • Presuming your guests book directly through the inn and not through you, I would recommend the same as PPs; push your RSVP deadline back to a typical timeline and notify your guests (either website, save the date (STD), insert) of the room block deadline. 
    short+sassyCMGragain
  • I would put the hotel info on the STDs, and send an STD to any OOT family or friends. Our hotels had longer deadlines to book, but we still put the last date the hotel guaranteed the rate on our website. I also emailed a link to the website to our families, as a bunch of people missed it on our STD. You could even phrase it like "no rush to make your decision, but the hotel's guideline is that all rooms have to be booked by x/x/xx or they can't guarantee the rate/availability/whatever." 
    short+sassy
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I also got married in LI at a venue with an onsite hotel that held rooms in the block.  It was tricky because my blocked rooms were held for 30 days prior to the event and my RSVP date was two weeks before our wedding.  H and I were engaged for less than six months so we didn't do STD's, but we put our hotel info and the block deadline on our website and did major word of mouth (and texting, emailing, fb message...whatever type of communication was typical with each guest).  It worked well- every guest that was interested in a room booked within the block.  Two months out is waayy too far in advance for a wedding RSVP.
    InLoveInQueens
  • Thanks!  However, we're not doing a website.  My fiance isn't interested in one and I've only been to one wedding ever where I really found it useful (because their entire invite was very "this is happening so see the website for more info / to RSVP / book the hotel / give us your food option" oriented, so you basically had no choice.  Part of the reason why we just moved the RSVP dates was to simplify the process and avoid the need for a website.

    I already have the invites made.  Worst case scenario, we could reorder just the RSVP cards with a new later date (it would be like $50 if that, nothing bank-breaking), but since we're not doing a website, I'd still feel more comfortable sending out the invites at the 3 month mark instead of 2 to give people time to plan...

    So if I redid the RSVPs for a later deadline, would it still be ok to send the invites at 3 months?
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Personally, I'd just send out StDs and include hotel info on that. You can also depend on word of mouth. Definitely do a later RSVP date. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but when I see invites mailed super early along with an early RSVP I assume the couple is B-listing, and I side-eye the hell out of them.
    STARMOON44ahoywedding[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • Thanks!  However, we're not doing a website.  My fiance isn't interested in one and I've only been to one wedding ever where I really found it useful (because their entire invite was very "this is happening so see the website for more info / to RSVP / book the hotel / give us your food option" oriented, so you basically had no choice.  Part of the reason why we just moved the RSVP dates was to simplify the process and avoid the need for a website.

    I already have the invites made.  Worst case scenario, we could reorder just the RSVP cards with a new later date (it would be like $50 if that, nothing bank-breaking), but since we're not doing a website, I'd still feel more comfortable sending out the invites at the 3 month mark instead of 2 to give people time to plan...

    So if I redid the RSVPs for a later deadline, would it still be ok to send the invites at 3 months?
    Yes, I think you need to redo the RSVP cards with a later date. 
    charlotte989875
  • Thanks!  However, we're not doing a website.  My fiance isn't interested in one and I've only been to one wedding ever where I really found it useful (because their entire invite was very "this is happening so see the website for more info / to RSVP / book the hotel / give us your food option" oriented, so you basically had no choice.  Part of the reason why we just moved the RSVP dates was to simplify the process and avoid the need for a website.

    I already have the invites made.  Worst case scenario, we could reorder just the RSVP cards with a new later date (it would be like $50 if that, nothing bank-breaking), but since we're not doing a website, I'd still feel more comfortable sending out the invites at the 3 month mark instead of 2 to give people time to plan...

    So if I redid the RSVPs for a later deadline, would it still be ok to send the invites at 3 months?
    I would definitely redo the RSVPs with a later date and an insert with the hotel info. One potential problem, if you send invites at 3 months (so August 12), and the hotel block is a month later (guessing around mid-September), you're relying on USPS to get mail there quickly and on time, and still only giving people roughly 2-3 weeks to book. (Say it takes ~a week beteeen posting invites and delivery, people get their invites around the 19/20th that doesn't give much time, and add in a US holiday, people might be cutting it close). 

    I would still recommend STDs along with the updated RSVP cards; the STDs don't need to match your invitation suite, or even be fancy, but it I'll give your guests maximum time to book at the hotel. 
    short+sassy
  • This may not be exactly perfectly etiquette approved, but we did our "Save The Date" as a Facebook event page. It basically just said the date of the wedding, and then had a link to our website, which had all of the hotel, etc. info. I know you said you don't have a website, but you could do basically the same thing, just with all the hotel info listed on the event page (obviously this would also only work if most of your guests have Facebook like ours did.)

    I also think just spreading the hotel info by whatever communication method you usually use to contact the guest would be fine. Call them up, text them, email them, and just give them a heads up you do have a block at X hotel, and it must be reserved by X date if they're interested. 

    I think you need to give your guests more than a month between the time they get the hotel info and need to book, but I also don't think a physical STD is necessary to do this.
    MairePoppy[Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2017
    Vistaprint.com can do custom postcards as STDs very inexpensively, and postcard postage is cheaper than sealed mail.  50 for $10!

    http://www.vistaprint.com/gallery/IAMAAAABAAAAAAA=/postcards/save-the-date-post-card.aspx?attribute=18&keywords=save the date post card&rd=1&xnav=HSG_Filter_keyword

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • kahluakoalakahluakoala member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2017
    You could simply do an email STD - they're informal by nature - you could just include a photo and some text about the upcoming wedding - location, hotel info, date. I would move up the RSVP date but I like getting invites more than 2 months out especially if there's travel involved. I just like having the info as soon as possible - what time the wedding is, how formal it's likely to be (based on venue and time and whatnot) so I can plan my outfit and more specifically plan my travel. Like if it's a noon wedding Ill travel the night before but if it's an evening wedding morning of is probably cool. Y'know?
    SP29short+sassy
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2017
    You could simply do an email STD - they're informal by nature - you could just include a photo and some text about the upcoming wedding - location, hotel info, date. I would move up the RSVP date but I like getting invites more than 2 months out especially if there's travel involved. I just like having the info as soon as possible - what time the wedding is, how formal it's likely to be (based on venue and time and whatnot) so I can plan my outfit and more specifically plan my travel. Like if it's a noon wedding Ill travel the night before but if it's an evening wedding morning of is probably cool. Y'know?
    This only works if you have the email addresses of all your OOT guests.
    Standard time to send out the actual invitations is six to eight weeks.
    Venue and time do not necessarily indicate the level of formality, though.  That is indicated by the style of the invitation.  Eight weeks should be enough time for you to plan your outfit.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    You could simply do an email STD - they're informal by nature - you could just include a photo and some text about the upcoming wedding - location, hotel info, date. I would move up the RSVP date but I like getting invites more than 2 months out especially if there's travel involved. I just like having the info as soon as possible - what time the wedding is, how formal it's likely to be (based on venue and time and whatnot) so I can plan my outfit and more specifically plan my travel. Like if it's a noon wedding Ill travel the night before but if it's an evening wedding morning of is probably cool. Y'know?
    This only works if you have the email addresses of all your OOT guests.
    Standard time to send out the actual invitations is six to eight weeks.
    Venue and time do not necessarily indicate the level of formality, though.  That is indicated by the style of the invitation.  Eight weeks should be enough time for you to plan your outfit.
    Thank you for your opinion. I told the OP my preference. This is my preference.
    STARMOON44crowsgirl15
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2017
    CMGragain said:
    You could simply do an email STD - they're informal by nature - you could just include a photo and some text about the upcoming wedding - location, hotel info, date. I would move up the RSVP date but I like getting invites more than 2 months out especially if there's travel involved. I just like having the info as soon as possible - what time the wedding is, how formal it's likely to be (based on venue and time and whatnot) so I can plan my outfit and more specifically plan my travel. Like if it's a noon wedding Ill travel the night before but if it's an evening wedding morning of is probably cool. Y'know?
    This only works if you have the email addresses of all your OOT guests.
    Standard time to send out the actual invitations is six to eight weeks.
    Venue and time do not necessarily indicate the level of formality, though.  That is indicated by the style of the invitation.  Eight weeks should be enough time for you to plan your outfit.
    Thank you for your opinion. I told the OP my preference. This is my preference.
    Not MY opinion.  Just check any etiquette guru.  This is standard.  You can do whatever your want.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 2017
    CMGragain said:
    CMGragain said:
    You could simply do an email STD - they're informal by nature - you could just include a photo and some text about the upcoming wedding - location, hotel info, date. I would move up the RSVP date but I like getting invites more than 2 months out especially if there's travel involved. I just like having the info as soon as possible - what time the wedding is, how formal it's likely to be (based on venue and time and whatnot) so I can plan my outfit and more specifically plan my travel. Like if it's a noon wedding Ill travel the night before but if it's an evening wedding morning of is probably cool. Y'know?
    This only works if you have the email addresses of all your OOT guests.
    Standard time to send out the actual invitations is six to eight weeks.
    Venue and time do not necessarily indicate the level of formality, though.  That is indicated by the style of the invitation.  Eight weeks should be enough time for you to plan your outfit.
    Thank you for your opinion. I told the OP my preference. This is my preference.
    Not MY opinion.  Just check any etiquette guru.  This is standard.  You can do whatever your want.
    The most important rule of wedding etiquette is showing consideration for your intended guests. It's standard etiquette to send wedding invitations out  6-8 out, but in my social circle, 8 to 10 weeks is typical and I wouldn't raise an eyebrow at receiving a wedding invitation at the 12 weeks mark. It's not just about planning your outfit. During Spring/Summer and holidays, invitations tend to go out earlier so people can plan ahead, especially if time off from work, child care or travel arrangements are needed.

    Two to four weeks RSVP date is standard for my group. Requesting commitments before then, might force some guests to decline if they aren't sure of having the time off from work or other commitments.

    I would reprint the RSVPs and start a facebook group/event to communicate the STD and hotel block info. Don't forget the family members who don't particpate in facebook. You can contact them by  phone.

    ETA - if you reprint the RSVPs, you could add a link to your wedding website at the bottom.





                       
    redoryxSP29
  • STDs are one of the new wedding practices that I like.  I had never heard of them until daughter's wedding.  I think they solve problems, like guests making travel arrangements and hotel arrangements.  Now that people are traveling more, STDs make a lot of sense.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    short+sassysouthernbelle0915
  • A wedding in my neck of the woods, fun!  Which venue?  Are you going to give guests info about other hotels nearby?  Pricepoints vary wildly. 

  • If I got an invitation today for a wedding in Oregon that was 6 weeks from now and it was the first I'd heard of it, it's likely I'd just have to decline. I need more notice to plan. With family and other obligations all over the country, H and I are meticulously planning our PTO and travel budget 6-12 months in advance. Weddings play second fiddle and if I don't know about it when I'm doing my planning, it's a toss up on whether I'll be able to fit it in.
    Are you often invited to weddings where they ONLY way you know about it is a STD, or an invitation? I'm not. I usually know when people get engaged, and if I'm close enough to them to be invited to the wedding I tend to know some details about where/when before the invites go out. I either see them at some point during the engagement, or we communicate other ways (facebook, text, phone, email, etc.). 

    I feel like this thread is ignoring the basic idea of simply telling your guests the info. No website or mailed STD or even some form or facebook group or evite necessary. Simply "Hey John, how's life? Oh, that's good. Yeah, work is tough for me too. Kids are good. Thanks for asking. Oh, by the way, we booked our wedding venue for November 12th. We have a great rate at a hotel block onsite if you're planning to stay the night--only catch is you'd have to reserve by September 12th, though, to lock in the rate and availability. Yeah, it should be fun! I'm super excited. Oh, I had pizza for dinner tonight. We should hang out soon. Blah blah blah.".
    [Deleted User]SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • MandyMost said:

    If I got an invitation today for a wedding in Oregon that was 6 weeks from now and it was the first I'd heard of it, it's likely I'd just have to decline. I need more notice to plan. With family and other obligations all over the country, H and I are meticulously planning our PTO and travel budget 6-12 months in advance. Weddings play second fiddle and if I don't know about it when I'm doing my planning, it's a toss up on whether I'll be able to fit it in.
    Are you often invited to weddings where they ONLY way you know about it is a STD, or an invitation? I'm not. I usually know when people get engaged, and if I'm close enough to them to be invited to the wedding I tend to know some details about where/when before the invites go out. I either see them at some point during the engagement, or we communicate other ways (facebook, text, phone, email, etc.). 

    I feel like this thread is ignoring the basic idea of simply telling your guests the info. No website or mailed STD or even some form or facebook group or evite necessary. Simply "Hey John, how's life? Oh, that's good. Yeah, work is tough for me too. Kids are good. Thanks for asking. Oh, by the way, we booked our wedding venue for November 12th. We have a great rate at a hotel block onsite if you're planning to stay the night--only catch is you'd have to reserve by September 12th, though, to lock in the rate and availability. Yeah, it should be fun! I'm super excited. Oh, I had pizza for dinner tonight. We should hang out soon. Blah blah blah.".
    So, yes. H and I are invited to a wedding in May; I've never actually met the bride or groom. We are very close with their parents and see them frequently (H's cousin (father of the bride) is actual his Dad's age). We suspected we'd be invited to the wedding, and we were, but we didn't know, or have specific details until the invitation. 
    MairePoppySTARMOON44PrettyGirlLost
  • MandyMost said:

    If I got an invitation today for a wedding in Oregon that was 6 weeks from now and it was the first I'd heard of it, it's likely I'd just have to decline. I need more notice to plan. With family and other obligations all over the country, H and I are meticulously planning our PTO and travel budget 6-12 months in advance. Weddings play second fiddle and if I don't know about it when I'm doing my planning, it's a toss up on whether I'll be able to fit it in.
    Are you often invited to weddings where they ONLY way you know about it is a STD, or an invitation? I'm not. I usually know when people get engaged, and if I'm close enough to them to be invited to the wedding I tend to know some details about where/when before the invites go out. I either see them at some point during the engagement, or we communicate other ways (facebook, text, phone, email, etc.). 

    I feel like this thread is ignoring the basic idea of simply telling your guests the info. No website or mailed STD or even some form or facebook group or evite necessary. Simply "Hey John, how's life? Oh, that's good. Yeah, work is tough for me too. Kids are good. Thanks for asking. Oh, by the way, we booked our wedding venue for November 12th. We have a great rate at a hotel block onsite if you're planning to stay the night--only catch is you'd have to reserve by September 12th, though, to lock in the rate and availability. Yeah, it should be fun! I'm super excited. Oh, I had pizza for dinner tonight. We should hang out soon. Blah blah blah.".
    This may work for some more intimate weddings, but for people with large families with lots of friends, this just isn't realistic. Everyone we invited to our wedding knew we were engaged, and had a general idea of when the wedding would be before the STD, but probably half didn't know the exact date before this, and probably less than 10% knew about the hotel block before the STD. There was no way I was going to individually call up 250 to tell them about the hotel block. If you have a somewhat larger wedding and want to give your guests plenty of time to make arrangements, either an electronic or physical STD is really the only thing that makes sense. 
    charlotte989875MairePoppysouthernbelle0915
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    MandyMost said:

    If I got an invitation today for a wedding in Oregon that was 6 weeks from now and it was the first I'd heard of it, it's likely I'd just have to decline. I need more notice to plan. With family and other obligations all over the country, H and I are meticulously planning our PTO and travel budget 6-12 months in advance. Weddings play second fiddle and if I don't know about it when I'm doing my planning, it's a toss up on whether I'll be able to fit it in.
    Are you often invited to weddings where they ONLY way you know about it is a STD, or an invitation? I'm not. I usually know when people get engaged, and if I'm close enough to them to be invited to the wedding I tend to know some details about where/when before the invites go out. I either see them at some point during the engagement, or we communicate other ways (facebook, text, phone, email, etc.). 

    I feel like this thread is ignoring the basic idea of simply telling your guests the info. No website or mailed STD or even some form or facebook group or evite necessary. Simply "Hey John, how's life? Oh, that's good. Yeah, work is tough for me too. Kids are good. Thanks for asking. Oh, by the way, we booked our wedding venue for November 12th. We have a great rate at a hotel block onsite if you're planning to stay the night--only catch is you'd have to reserve by September 12th, though, to lock in the rate and availability. Yeah, it should be fun! I'm super excited. Oh, I had pizza for dinner tonight. We should hang out soon. Blah blah blah.".
    Yes. Usually I will know the couple is planning to marry in June or spring 2018, but won't know the exact location and date until I receive a STD or invitation. I don't assume I'm invited until I'm notified. 

                       
    charlotte989875southernbelle0915STARMOON44PrettyGirlLost



  • MandyMost said:



    If I got an invitation today for a wedding in Oregon that was 6 weeks from now and it was the first I'd heard of it, it's likely I'd just have to decline. I need more notice to plan. With family and other obligations all over the country, H and I are meticulously planning our PTO and travel budget 6-12 months in advance. Weddings play second fiddle and if I don't know about it when I'm doing my planning, it's a toss up on whether I'll be able to fit it in.


    Are you often invited to weddings where they ONLY way you know about it is a STD, or an invitation? I'm not. I usually know when people get engaged, and if I'm close enough to them to be invited to the wedding I tend to know some details about where/when before the invites go out. I either see them at some point during the engagement, or we communicate other ways (facebook, text, phone, email, etc.). 

    I feel like this thread is ignoring the basic idea of simply telling your guests the info. No website or mailed STD or even some form or facebook group or evite necessary. Simply "Hey John, how's life? Oh, that's good. Yeah, work is tough for me too. Kids are good. Thanks for asking. Oh, by the way, we booked our wedding venue for November 12th. We have a great rate at a hotel block onsite if you're planning to stay the night--only catch is you'd have to reserve by September 12th, though, to lock in the rate and availability. Yeah, it should be fun! I'm super excited. Oh, I had pizza for dinner tonight. We should hang out soon. Blah blah blah.".


    This may work for some more intimate weddings, but for people with large families with lots of friends, this just isn't realistic. Everyone we invited to our wedding knew we were engaged, and had a general idea of when the wedding would be before the STD, but probably half didn't know the exact date before this, and probably less than 10% knew about the hotel block before the STD. There was no way I was going to individually call up 250 to tell them about the hotel block. If you have a somewhat larger wedding and want to give your guests plenty of time to make arrangements, either an electronic or physical STD is really the only thing that makes sense. 


    We invited about 175 to our wedding. We wanted smaller, but my family alone was about 100 people. We did send a STD, because while most of my family was nearby (although far enough that some still chose to stay in the hotel), the rest of the guests were all over the place. 

    We didn't find it at all burdensome to each send a few group emails to our guests, well after the STDs went out and before the invites went out, letting people know the hotel details and deadlines. I sent one to my college friends, one to my family, etc. It was no big deal.

    I just feel like this is a non-problem that doesn't require a creative solution. You have info you want people to know? Tell them, in whatever way is easiest for you!
    [Deleted User]SP29ahoyweddingjustsie
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer



    MandyMost said:



    If I got an invitation today for a wedding in Oregon that was 6 weeks from now and it was the first I'd heard of it, it's likely I'd just have to decline. I need more notice to plan. With family and other obligations all over the country, H and I are meticulously planning our PTO and travel budget 6-12 months in advance. Weddings play second fiddle and if I don't know about it when I'm doing my planning, it's a toss up on whether I'll be able to fit it in.


    Are you often invited to weddings where they ONLY way you know about it is a STD, or an invitation? I'm not. I usually know when people get engaged, and if I'm close enough to them to be invited to the wedding I tend to know some details about where/when before the invites go out. I either see them at some point during the engagement, or we communicate other ways (facebook, text, phone, email, etc.). 


    Yes. Usually I will know the couple is planning to marry in June or spring 2018, but won't know the exact location and date until I receive a STD or invitation. I don't assume I'm invited until I'm notified. 



    ^This.

    Sometimes we don't even know the couple is engaged until we receive the STD; we have lots of cousins spread all over the country that we don't see regularly.  In most cases word spreads via word of mouth, though.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    charlotte989875sparklepants41
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