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Mother of the Groom Deceased, and FIL is Engaged. How do I write the program?

aprilwed29aprilwed29 member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
The title pretty much says it. My fiance's mother passed away a number of years ago, and his father is currently engaged. We love FIL's fiance, she's been wonderful and has helped so much, we certainly want to honor her, but I'm at a loss as to how to do this! We also want to make sure that it's known that fiance's mother is his mom... Has anyone had this come up? And can anyone suggest anything? 
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Re: Mother of the Groom Deceased, and FIL is Engaged. How do I write the program?

  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I agree with kaos.  If FIL's Fi is not part of the ceremony, the quick answer is that she doesn't need to be in the program. 

    Nevertheless, I understand that many programs (ours included!) list parents of the wedding couple regardless of whether or not they have a role in the processional or ceremony (and that there may be a familial tradition or expectation to do so).  You could opt for a more generic title such as "Family of the Bride/Groom/Couple."  This would allow you to then list your parents and his as individuals but would not require titles.  Something like:
    Family of the Bride
    Joe Bridesdad
    Jill Bridesmom
    Family of the Groom
    John Doe
    Jane Fiancee

    I've also seen the option of a listing as:
    Father of the Groom
    Mr. John Doe, escorted by Ms. Jane Fiancee

    Our program went this the first option as we had a number of stepparents to include.  Everyone was happy and no feelings were hurt.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2017
    I like JaxinBlue's last option.  This doesn't "honor" her, though.  It just identifies her.  She isn't family until they are married.
    I would suggest buying her a nice corsage, and perhaps a toast to "Dad and his Bride-to-Be, Jane Doe."

    A little tweek: 
    Father of the Groom
    Mr. John Doe, escorting Ms. Jane Smith

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Ditto @kaos16. The program isn't a place to honor people. It just indicates who's who when people are walking down the aisle. Will this woman even be part of the processional? If so, I like @JaxinBlue's "escorted by" wording.

    If your FI wants to honor his late mother, maybe he should carry something that was special to her with him, make his boutonniere out of her favorite flower, serve her favorite cocktail as a signature drink, pick her favorite flavor of cake for your wedding cake, play her favorite song at some point, etc. He doesn't need to make this a public display.


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    image
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  • aprilwed29aprilwed29 member
    First Comment
    Thank you all so much! This has helped tremendously. We initially had "Parents of Bride/ Parents of Groom" and just couldn't figure out how to do the wording. I love the "Escorting" language, and I think that's the route we'll go! 

    I really appreciate it!
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My father and DH's mother both passed away, but our living parents are with new partners now. I struggled too with wording, but it was actually DH's suggestion to do something like this in the program:

    Father of the Groom: A and his wife B
    Mother of the Bride: C and her fiance D

    As far as honoring our deceased parents, we had a little blurb on the program that mentioned those we have lost (and that we know they're celebrating today), and referred to them as Mom and Dad (with their full names in parenthesis). I think it was pretty clear who we were talking about. We also had a table at the reception with their pictures. Nothing overboard, just keep it simple. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't know if you are having a religious wedding or not, but often in prayers the people who couldn't be there are remembered then. DD had that at her wedding since none of her grandparents nor the paternal grandparents of SIL could attend (they were either deceased or too ill to attend).
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    southernbelle0915 said:
    Ditto @kaos16. The program isn't a place to honor people. It just indicates who's who when people are walking down the aisle. Will this woman even be part of the processional? If so, I like @JaxinBlue's "escorted by" wording.

    If your FI wants to honor his late mother, maybe he should carry something that was special to her with him, make his boutonniere out of her favorite flower, serve her favorite cocktail as a signature drink, pick her favorite flavor of cake for your wedding cake, play her favorite song at some point, etc. He doesn't need to make this a public display.


    Really, the FOB isn't a part of the processional unless you are Jewish.  I don't think it matters.
    I don't think my old program for my church wedding listed the attendants' names.  I think it just showed the order of the service.  I know that has changed.
    Programs really aren't necessary at all, but you can certainly do them if you wish.  I don't think that there are any hard and fast rules about them.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2017
    I think you misunderstood me.  I was only referring to the listing of


    family members in the OP's program.  I did offer a solution to her


    problem which would include the FFIL's fiancee, but does not list her as a family member.  To name her as a family member in the program would be confusing to guests who do not know the family details, and it might upset other relatives.
    Of course, as soon as she marries FFIL, she does become official family, and there is no longer any issue with listing her as family.





    I had two older friends who were like family to me.  I understand what you are saying.  However, if I had listed her as a family member on my program, this would have upset my relatives.

    (The Knot is being weird with spacing and formatting tonight!)
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • ernursejernursej member
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its

    CMGragain said:

    I think you misunderstood me.  I was only referring to the listing of



    family members in the OP's program.  I did offer a solution to her



    problem which would include the FFIL's fiancee, but does not list her as a family member.  To name her as a family member in the program would be confusing to guests who do not know the family details, and it might upset other relatives.
    Of course, as soon as she marries FFIL, she does become official family, and there is no longer any issue with listing her as family.






    I had two older friends who were like family to me.  I understand what you are saying.  However, if I had listed her as a family member on my program, this would have upset my relatives.

    (The Knot is being weird with spacing and formatting tonight!)


    I've seen people who were not married listed under family of the groom/bride and they were not married or even engaged. It wasn't confusing to me. Perhaps it could be confusing but I would rather include someone than leave them off. 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Like I said, I recommended a wording that will include the FFIL's fiance without naming her as an official member of the family.  Nothing wrong with putting her on the program.  Naming her as the MOG would be confusing, though.
    Would you put her on the wedding invitation as if she was already married to FFIL?  No, she could be on it, but on a separate line, right?  This is a similar issue.
    No problem with having her name in the program.  Just don't word it so that it looks like she is MOG or FFIL's wife.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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