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Where is L and K's family?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
During my best friend L’s last two years of life, her brain cancer made her volatile and often unkind. I made a promise to her that I would look out for her socially isolated sister. Whenever I check in on her sister K, she blames me for not being a better friend to L while she was alive. I would have never promised to look out for K if I didn’t intend to follow through. I want to be a person who keeps her promises; I understand that K is probably in the anger stage of grief and hope to rise above. I put myself second during L’s last years, which took their toll on me. My friends say my promise didn’t include causing myself emotional trauma. K has little insight, poor communication skills, and is emotionally closed off, so talking to her hasn’t worked. Any thoughts?

—Drama Beyond the Grave

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Re: Where is L and K's family?

  • LulawifeLulawife member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I have so many questions left unanswered by this. Why does K think LW was a bad friend when she says she put herself second to L during her last years? And what exactly is she doing to look out for K that is causing herself such emotional trauma? And who is looking out for LW after losing her best friend?

    A promise to look out for someone does not mean putting her first above yourself. Sounds like both LW and K are working through the grief of losing L very differently and could each use counseling. 
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    What does the first sentence have to do with anything?


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • sparklepants41sparklepants41 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I feel like LW has left a lot of important details out of this letter. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    atomicblonde said:
    What does the first sentence have to do with anything?
    I feel like it's an explanation for the fact that K now thinks that LW was a bad friend to L, as L may have bitched to K about LW.  

    DH's aunt is mentally and physically disabled.  Her level of comprehension is at about 5 or 6 year old level.  She's easily influenced by the suggestion of other people.  She didn't like me for a long time because DH's grandma didn't like me and talked mad shit about me in her presence.  She'd say all sorts of crazy shit to me.  
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    mrsconn23 said:
    atomicblonde said:
    What does the first sentence have to do with anything?
    I feel like it's an explanation for the fact that K now thinks that LW was a bad friend to L, as L may have bitched to K about LW.  

    DH's aunt is mentally and physically disabled.  Her level of comprehension is at about 5 or 6 year old level.  She's easily influenced by the suggestion of other people.  She didn't like me for a long time because DH's grandma didn't like me and talked mad shit about me in her presence.  She'd say all sorts of crazy shit to me.  
    I had considered that, but it's just too large a leap for me to make, especially since it sounds like LW stood beside L until the very end.  It's hard to do that when someone you love is dying, and it's harder when you know it's not their fault, and that the disease has taken the person you love away.

    It would have been easy for LW to walk away, both from L and from K, but she hasn't, so the first sentence is just incongruous to me.

    It sounds like K may be projecting...


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Does K even want LW to check in on her? I have to wonder if K really didn't like LW/want her around she would have explicitly told LW not to come back. Or maybe she does want LW there but doesn't know to separate LW from L's death. But If she's just looking for someone to emotionally beat up on the LW needs to find some strategies for communicating with someone who has poor social/communication skills and lay out some ground rules. 
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