Wedding Woes

And a 4 men...

DEAR ABBY: I have been with the same man for six months. He has been separated from his wife for 10 years — but not legally.

When he finally decided to tell her there is someone else and he’s moving on, she went crazy. She said she wants alimony and half of everything, plus the house will have to be sold because she will not allow “the new woman” to live in “her” house.

It’s been a month since he told her. We talked to a lawyer about a divorce, but all he is worried about is paying alimony and losing the house.

I am getting sick of hearing about it. All he keeps saying is, “I love you, but I don’t want to lose my house or pay her money.” What should I do? — FIGHT OR FLIGHT IN MASSACHUSETTS

Re: And a 4 men...

  • I'm not sure why he'd have to pay alimony, since they've been separated for 10 years.  I'm assuming he isn't giving her any support and obviously she's been doing just fine financially during that time.  I thought alimony was more a thing of the past and only awarded on a temporary basis (6-12 months) when it is awarded.  But then, I've never been divorced nor am I a divorce attorney.

    At any rate.  Assuming they bought the house while they were still living together, she deserves half of the equity.  And if he can't buy her out, then he needs to sell it and figure something else out.  Too bad, so sad.  People do it every day.  And if he bought the house after they separated WITHOUT getting a divorce first, that would be mind boggling.

    Really, though.  All of that is neither here nor there.  There's a reason it has been 10 years and neither one got divorced.  He's basically told her he doesn't want to upset the apple cart and isn't going to proceed further with a divorce.  Ball is in her court.  Is she cool with that?  Maybe dating this guy for YEARS with a marriage possibly never happening?

    If she isn't, as many women wouldn't be, then it's time to cut bait.  Because he's already told her where he stands.  People like this drive me a little nuts.  LW, just because it isn't the answer you want doesn't mean the answer is magically going to change.  He's not getting a divorce.  Maybe ever.  Accept that or move on.  Plus, it's only been 6 months.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I remember a young man who told me that he was "separated" from his wife.  Yes, he was separated from her - for that evening.  I didn't fall for it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • I'm not sure why he'd have to pay alimony, since they've been separated for 10 years.  I'm assuming he isn't giving her any support and obviously she's been doing just fine financially during that time.  I thought alimony was more a thing of the past and only awarded on a temporary basis (6-12 months) when it is awarded.  But then, I've never been divorced nor am I a divorce attorney.


    They're not legally separated and I would bet $$ his claim of '10 years' is bullshit.  
  • Maybe I'm just overly cynical, but I'm doubting they're even separated at all. 

    LW needs to run far and fast. 
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I'm not sure why he'd have to pay alimony, since they've been separated for 10 years.  I'm assuming he isn't giving her any support and obviously she's been doing just fine financially during that time.  I thought alimony was more a thing of the past and only awarded on a temporary basis (6-12 months) when it is awarded.  But then, I've never been divorced nor am I a divorce attorney.

    At any rate.  Assuming they bought the house while they were still living together, she deserves half of the equity.  And if he can't buy her out, then he needs to sell it and figure something else out.  Too bad, so sad.  People do it every day.  And if he bought the house after they separated WITHOUT getting a divorce first, that would be mind boggling.

    Really, though.  All of that is neither here nor there.  There's a reason it has been 10 years and neither one got divorced.  He's basically told her he doesn't want to upset the apple cart and isn't going to proceed further with a divorce.  Ball is in her court.  Is she cool with that?  Maybe dating this guy for YEARS with a marriage possibly never happening?

    If she isn't, as many women wouldn't be, then it's time to cut bait.  Because he's already told her where he stands.  People like this drive me a little nuts.  LW, just because it isn't the answer you want doesn't mean the answer is magically going to change.  He's not getting a divorce.  Maybe ever.  Accept that or move on.  Plus, it's only been 6 months.

    Shit.  I didn't even notice that!

  • "i have been with the same man for six months" - maybe that's some kind of record for her?

    some states do not have "legal separation" at all - and if they've both been living in the same house i don't know that it would be considered "legal separation" if it were an option in that state. (i would think someone would have moved out and you would have taken steps to separate finances)

    PA doesn't have legal separation. OSIL is *still* living in the house even though the divorce was (supposedly) finalized last month. When she started divorce proceedings, even though there is no legal separation in PA, the lawyers asked them to supply a date of separation - she gave them a date sometime around when she started talking to the lawyer or filing paperwork - he told them it was 3 years prior. They had a 1.5yo kid at the time - and that baby was "planned." Yeah, nobody was buying that. 
  • I assumed from the letter that the b/f and his "separated" wife are not and have not been living together for that 10 years.

    My definition of "separated" are a married couple who are no longer living together, by choice.  But perhaps I'm just silly and some married people will claim they are "separated", even if they are still living together...at least that is their claim to the new flavor of the month.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2017
    I thought legal separation had more to do with finances (like, if one party goes and runs up a bunch of debt after the date of separation, then the other is not responsible and it doesn't go into the communal debt and/or if there's a prenup or alimony involved, the date of separation is a factor with regard to the length of the marriage and payouts) than the living situation.   
  • RUN LW RUN!!!!
      
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    When the LW said legal separation, I assume she meant divorce. Seems the terms/legalities vary based on your state/country.

    I do know of people who "separate" without any legal proceedings- they figure out the housing/finances among themselves, and may live this way for years (in Canada you can file your taxes as separated)- but it's not a divorce, which requires legal proceedings.

    A few years back my Dad was dating a woman who was separated from her husband (for many years) but he was paying for the house (the family house she stayed in with the children), any of the children's expenses (they had 4), and giving her a monthly allowance so she could continue to be a "stay at home mom". Good for her- I feel she was entitled to it. But she said she would never get a divorce and lose all that when my Dad started talking about things getting more serious between them. So my Dad said "See ya!"
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards