NWR: Funeral thank you notes

lovesclimbing · April 2017

This came up in a thread over on The Bump - funeral thank you notes. Apparently, some people say you have to send TYs to everyone who comes to a funeral. Is this actually a thing? I tend to think TYs fall the same way as weddings or anything else - yes, you should send TYs to people who go above and beyond in giving a gift, making a meal or providing a service, but you don't send them to people who just show up.

I tried to google and find if Miss Manners had addressed this anywhere, but I couldn't find anything.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2017

I've never heard of sending a thank you for attending a funeral. I also didn't send any for attendance at either of my parents' funerals. Yes if flowers, donation or meals are given, you would send thank you notes in those instances.

CMGragain · April 2017

You write thank you notes to for sending flowers or making a contribution in the deceased's name. Not for simply attending the funeral. As in weddings, the family gives personal, verbal thanks to everyone who attends a funeral at the reception (wake) that follows.

banana468 · April 2017

Your send TY notes for gifts/gestures. If someone makes or sends food, flowers, donations requested (often an obituary will request donations in lieu of flowers) or Mass cards.

You don't have to send a TY for showing up.

NiceKindaSpice · April 2017

Agreed with PPs but I've also seen that thank you cards are sent for cards sent with personal/handwritten notes but not for "printed" ones.

JediElizabeth · April 2017

I agree with everyone else, but I just have to add:

Who in their right mind would think a grieving widow, widower or child would remember everyone who comes to a funeral service, and also have their full names and ability to find their addresses to send thank you notes? Obviously it's much easier to write down flowers or other gestures as they happen.

And who would possibly be insulted if said bereaved person forgot them?

JediElizabeth · April 2017

JediElizabeth said:

I agree with everyone else, but I just have to add:

Who in their right mind would think a grieving widow, widower or child would remember everyone who comes to a funeral service, and also have their full names and ability to find their addresses to send thank you notes? Obviously it's much easier to write down flowers or other gestures as they happen.

And who would possibly be insulted if said bereaved person forgot them?

Just checked the Bump thread and realized it's based on the guestbook....but that last line still stands.

banana468 · April 2017

JediElizabeth said:

JediElizabeth said:

I agree with everyone else, but I just have to add:

Who in their right mind would think a grieving widow, widower or child would remember everyone who comes to a funeral service, and also have their full names and ability to find their addresses to send thank you notes? Obviously it's much easier to write down flowers or other gestures as they happen.

And who would possibly be insulted if said bereaved person forgot them?

Just checked the Bump thread and realized it's based on the guestbook....but that last line still stands.

Totally agree with you on the last line.

But the guest book in a funeral home is usually given to the immediate family so they can see who attended.

levioosa · April 2017

JediElizabeth said:

I agree with everyone else, but I just have to add:

Who in their right mind would think a grieving widow, widower or child would remember everyone who comes to a funeral service, and also have their full names and ability to find their addresses to send thank you notes? Obviously it's much easier to write down flowers or other gestures as they happen.

And who would possibly be insulted if said bereaved person forgot them?

That last line exactly. You'd have to be a pretty shitty, self-involved person to be insulted by that. I'm going to the service of a classmate's father next week. We're not even close (but our class is a small cohort so we know each other and have worked together). She may not remember or notice I'm there. That's fine. It's not about me. It's about supporting her and her family. She's going through an awful time right now. I literally wouldn't even care if I never got a thank you for donating flowers or whatever for a loss. Grief is crushing and I give a pass on "normal" etiquette because when you lose a loved one, there's nothing normal about it.

southernbelle0915 · April 2017

I don't know the actual etiquette around this, but, in general, TY notes are not for attendance by itself, so I don't know why funerals would be any different.

I have never received a TY note for just attending a funeral. I've only ever received one for sending flowers or donating to whatever charity. Even then, I don't always get one and I don't even think twice about it. I figure the family is grieving and I'd rather have them work through their grief than think about even more to-dos than what's already on their plate.

geebee908 · April 2017

I give a pass for writing thank-you notes for funeral flowers or donations. A friend's son passed away at a young age a couple of years ago. The number of flowers and donations they received was incredible. She said writing those thank-you notes was like writing over and over 500 times "My son is dead. My son is dead." Not something I'd want to put someone through for the sake of thanking me for a token of consolation. It goes against the point of the gift.

lovesclimbing · April 2017

Thanks!

Lulawife · April 2017

geebee908 said:

I give a pass for writing thank-you notes for funeral flowers or donations. A friend's son passed away at a young age a couple of years ago. The number of flowers and donations they received was incredible. She said writing those thank-you notes was like writing over and over 500 times "My son is dead. My son is dead." Not something I'd want to put someone through for the sake of thanking me for a token of consolation. It goes against the point of the gift.

I went through this with my mom when my grandmother unexpectedly passed away a few years ago. She genuinely wanted to thank everyone for their amazing outpouring of support (and wouldn't let me do it for her), and watching her cry over the thank you cards for a week in disbelief that her mom was gone was very difficult. She and her sisters also unnecessarily stressed themselves out because there were flowers and mass cards sent from people that nobody knew and they didn't know how to get in touch with them to thank them.

MandyMost · April 2017

CMGragain said:

You write thank you notes to for sending flowers or making a contribution in the deceased's name. Not for simply attending the funeral. As in weddings, the family gives personal, verbal thanks to everyone who attends a funeral at the reception (wake) that follows.

Huh, I've been to a number of wakes, and they're always a day or two before the funeral (usually hours on 2 consecutive days). Then there's the funeral, and often (but not always) after the funeral is a bit of a reception. Either in a church hall, rented hall, or someone's house, unlike the wake at the funeral home (and the funeral in a church, at the funeral home, or in the cemetery).

kaos16 · April 2017

I've gotten a thank you card, often a printed generic one, for every wake I can recall attending and signing the guest book at. I'm still surprised to receive one.

MairePoppy · April 2017

I don't expect TYs for attending a wake or funeral.

If a make a memorial donation, I like to receive an acknowledgement. It's okay if it's just a generic note that a family member signs.

NWR: Funeral thank you notes

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