Should I say No?

misstaken1213 · April 2017

Hi ladies! I think this is my first post on this account - I was a reg YEARS ago on this board before everything changed on here, and of course I thought of you all first with this scenario.

Here we go - H and I got married in a small ceremony with our families in January. We're throwing a party this summer (this is NOT a PPD situation.. we formally announced that we have already gotten married, and we're just throwing a party to celebrate). H and I are paying for the entire thing ourselves.

I was hoping for zero drama - but alas, here we are. H's mom is pretty upset with us because some of our friends are pitching in to help with the party (they volunteered), and she doesn't like said friends very much. She's mad that we haven't asked her for help, despite the fact that we've been clear that we are taking care of everything ourselves. She and H got in to a yelling match on the phone the other day about it.

So anyway, yesterday she texted me and offered $150 to use to buy a cake. The problem is, I've already solved for the cake. First, I don't want cake: I'd rather have cupcakes, it's easier. And one of the friends I mentioned above has already offered to make them for us.

If we were to buy them from the bakery H's mom wants us to use, it would cost more than $150 anyway.

My first instinct is to say "thanks, but no thanks" to H's mom. I asked for his opinion, and he doesn't seem to care. But then again, I get that her only son just got married and she wants to help. I'd rather not piss her off any more than she already is.

Soo.. looking for your input. What's the best way to approach this? Any suggestions?

misstaken1213 · April 2017

Yeah that's a good point. The friends volunteering thing happened just recently, and H actually called his mom to tell her that he was getting excited about it - when this whole blow up happened.

I think you're right - that's what I'll have to do. H thinks his mom will get mad if we turn her down, even if we ask if she wants to help with something else. I've known her for a few years now but I still don't feel like I "get" her all the time. Haha.

MairePoppy · April 2017

Do you think your friend would understand if you allowed your MIL to buy the cake? You could get a sheet cake and some pretty paper plates and napkins for <$150. Of course you're not obligated to defer to MIL, but I would do it to make her happy.

misstaken1213 · April 2017

I've thought about that option too. At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't *really* matter whether we have cake or cupcakes. I'm just thinking cupcakes will be easier for the setting (outdoors, tent, "backyard bbq" type party).

There's a specific bakery H's mom wants us to use - and the $150 would cover most of the price of their largest sheet cake (it's about $190). The next size smaller I don't think will be enough for the number of people who will be there.

To answer your question, I'm pretty sure our friend would understand. Maybe my real question here is, is it worth it for us to just kick in the extra $40 for the sheet cake H's mom wants to keep her happy? Lol

DrillSergeantCat · April 2017

Could H's mom pay the friend for the cupcakes?

short+sassy · April 2017

misstaken1213 said:

I've thought about that option too. At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't *really* matter whether we have cake or cupcakes. I'm just thinking cupcakes will be easier for the setting (outdoors, tent, "backyard bbq" type party).

There's a specific bakery H's mom wants us to use - and the $150 would cover most of the price of their largest sheet cake (it's about $190). The next size smaller I don't think will be enough for the number of people who will be there.

To answer your question, I'm pretty sure our friend would understand. Maybe my real question here is, is it worth it for us to just kick in the extra $40 for the sheet cake H's mom wants to keep her happy? Lol

Or have both the cupcakes and the smaller sheet cake. Between the two, it sounds like that would be more than enough.

Granted, you don't have to accept any of her offers. But I'm getting the impression she would be really upset and hurt if you all turn down this request. To me, it seems like a small thing to help sooth ruffled feathers.

charlotte989875 · April 2017

$40 to keep MIL happy? I'd do it.

banana468 · April 2017

Just be careful. Last thing you want is a giant invoice from a 13 year old cupcake baker.

kahluakoala · April 2017

misstaken1213 said:

I've thought about that option too. At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't *really* matter whether we have cake or cupcakes. I'm just thinking cupcakes will be easier for the setting (outdoors, tent, "backyard bbq" type party).

There's a specific bakery H's mom wants us to use - and the $150 would cover most of the price of their largest sheet cake (it's about $190). The next size smaller I don't think will be enough for the number of people who will be there.

To answer your question, I'm pretty sure our friend would understand. Maybe my real question here is, is it worth it for us to just kick in the extra $40 for the sheet cake H's mom wants to keep her happy? Lol

In my opinion, the answer to this is a hard yes. I don't know what the budget of your whole event is, but $40 is pretty minor to keep the peace, and having a cake that makes FMIL happy is also pretty minor. If you absolutely hated cake and wanted to have something totally different, that'd be different, but the difference between cake and cupcakes is negligible.

Also, is your friend a baker? or just someone who likes to make cupcakes? I know she offered but it might be easier overall to just go with a professional.

MairePoppy · April 2017

If all it takes is $40 to keep a MIL happy, it's a good investment.

banana468 said:

Just be careful. Last thing you want is a giant invoice from a 13 year old cupcake baker.

That rings a bell.

levioosa · April 2017

MairePoppy said:

If all it takes is $40 to keep a MIL happy, it's a good investment.

banana468 said:

Just be careful. Last thing you want is a giant invoice from a 13 year old cupcake baker.

That rings a bell.

Tangent...does anyone remember that one knottie BM who said she was eating Bisquick mix to afford the bridesmaid dress?

sparklepants41 · April 2017

levioosa said:

MairePoppy said:

If all it takes is $40 to keep a MIL happy, it's a good investment.

banana468 said:

Just be careful. Last thing you want is a giant invoice from a 13 year old cupcake baker.

That rings a bell.

Tangent...does anyone remember that one knottie BM who said she was eating Bisquick mix to afford the bridesmaid dress?

No! But I need to hear about this and the 13-year-old cupcake baker who sends invoices!!!

LondonLisa · April 2017

sparklepants41 said:

levioosa said:

MairePoppy said:

If all it takes is $40 to keep a MIL happy, it's a good investment.

banana468 said:

Just be careful. Last thing you want is a giant invoice from a 13 year old cupcake baker.

That rings a bell.

Tangent...does anyone remember that one knottie BM who said she was eating Bisquick mix to afford the bridesmaid dress?

No! But I need to hear about this and the 13-year-old cupcake baker who sends invoices!!!

So wasn't it from the perspective of the bride that she didn't care the BM was eating pancake mix? I just remember her being really cross for some reason. Am I remembering this wrong?

Also, I second the above: what is the 13 year old invoice?

MairePoppy · April 2017

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/854505/just-got-an-invoice-from-our-15-year-old-cupcake-baker

Too bad, only the OP remains.

LondonLisa · April 2017

MairePoppy said:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/854505/just-got-an-invoice-from-our-15-year-old-cupcake-baker

Too bad, only the OP remains.

That is insane! I wouldn't even know what to do. I wonder how it was resolved!

sparklepants41 · April 2017

MairePoppy said:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/854505/just-got-an-invoice-from-our-15-year-old-cupcake-baker

Too bad, only the OP remains.

Holy cow! That is crazy! I too wish we could get a follow-up!

short+sassy · April 2017

MairePoppy said:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/854505/just-got-an-invoice-from-our-15-year-old-cupcake-baker

Too bad, only the OP remains.

Thanks for supplying this link. Wow. I am hugely side-eyeing that it was $425 in ingredients to make 250 cupcakes. And I'm sure it was her mom who spent the money anyway. I would have asked for receipts.

I hope the 15-year-old learned a valuable lesson to supply a quote...to apparently someone she expected to be a "buyer" of her services...before buying ingredients or doing any work.

MairePoppy · April 2017

As a parent, I wouldn't have fronted over $400 for supplies for my 15 year old to bake cupcakes. As a 'client,' I wouldn't have an open end agreement like that. I don't remember OP, and I'm wondering if everyone thought this was MUD.

banana468 · April 2017

MairePoppy said:

As a parent, I wouldn't have fronted over $400 for supplies for my 15 year old to bake cupcakes. As a 'client,' I wouldn't have an open end agreement like that. I don't remember OP, and I'm wondering if everyone thought this was MUD.

It turned into a hugely long saga with weird updates and then the OP just disappeared.

short+sassy · April 2017

MairePoppy said:

As a parent, I wouldn't have fronted over $400 for supplies for my 15 year old to bake cupcakes. As a 'client,' I wouldn't have an open end agreement like that. I don't remember OP, and I'm wondering if everyone thought this was MUD.

I got the impression the OP didn't think she was a client and wasn't going to be charged anything. And was just planning to do what she did. Send a monetary thank-you for the work.

That's also why I'm side-eying the $400 for supplies. While I suppose it is possible a 15-year-old would have that kind of ching lying around, it is unlikely. And if the mom was spending the money, it was either a gift or she could have said something to the OP, like, "I know we offered to make these cupcakes, but the ingredients are more than I was expecting..."

levioosa · April 2017

@LondonLisa I found it!

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7464356#Comment_7464356

Ro041 · April 2017

Why would anyone eat pankcake mix?? I mean, buy some ramen or something...sheesh.

levioosa · April 2017

Ro041 said:

Why would anyone eat pankcake mix?? I mean, buy some ramen or something...sheesh.

Right! It was so overly dramatic. Like, girl, there are so many cheap options before raw pancake mix (ignoring the fact that half of the boxed pancake mixes are a "just add water" situation so she couldn't even adult enough to make the friggin' pancakes).

missJeanLouise · April 2017

levioosa said:

@LondonLisa I found it!

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7464356#Comment_7464356

Seriously though, was she cooking the pancake mix or eating either batter or dry mix?

levioosa · April 2017

missJeanLouise said:

levioosa said:

@LondonLisa I found it!

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7464356#Comment_7464356

Seriously though, was she cooking the pancake mix or eating either batter or dry mix?

We never did find out. OP did make a huge show of talking about the "mix" though, so I think we assumed raw? lol. I just re-read the whole thread. Those were good days. So much snark.

LondonLisa · April 2017

Hehe- I remember she was super salty! That was it. My original question still stands: why would you eat pancake mix in order to buy someone an international holiday? Live within your means. Buy some chicken for yourself and a few things off the registry and call it a day!

This reminds me at my old work place, someone planned a Christmas party. It usually was just some casual drinks at a private room in the pub. The heads of section would each put a bit of money behind the bar so we all got a free drink. Apparently one year, the party planner wanted to do a formal, dress up Christmas party with a sit down meal at a hotel. But there was no budget so they had to sell tickets. Tickets were silly expensive (like £90). So, naturally, no one went. Apparently there were like 5 people there and the party planner just went on a tirade about how no one appreciates her, that she does everything and we were all complete wankers for not spending nearly 100 quid to sit next to people we sit next to 50 hours a week. Just the complete martyr meltdown at the fact that she was such a victim of all of us ganging up and sabotaging her party.

That poster totally reminded me of her. You can't spend unreasonable amounts of money and expect everyone else to join in.

lovesclimbing · April 2017

I don't know. I'd almost eat raw pancake mix over ramen. I hate that stuff!

DrillSergeantCat · April 2017

Well that was a fun thread to read. I still don't get the concept of being so broke you have to eat pancake mix, yet can afford to pay for other people to go to Europe.

misstaken1213 · May 2017

I totally posted this and ran guys, sorry! Thanks to everyone for your input.

Just to follow up - this weekend, H and I talked this over a little more - and then we called his mom together. I told her about my cupcake idea, and that the bakery she wants to use will do them. She thought it was a great idea. So she's going to buy the cupcakes, and I let our friend know that we won't need her to do it after all. She completely understood.

And now I'm going to go stalk the pancake mix thread...

OurWildKingdom · May 2017

Yay! Sounds like it worked out well!

Should I say No?

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