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Wedding Etiquette Forum
knottiec0682119e9ebc652
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Deleted
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Re: Deleted
No. You get one day. She gets one day. If you needed help planning a wedding you should have hired someone.
All a MoH has to do is show up in the dress and on time. The only 2 people planning a wedding should be you and your fi.
Your fi can certainly decline being an MoH. But your fiancée is not entitled to free labour, parties, attention, or anything beyond her MoH showing up on time and in the dress. Bachelorette parties are a gift, and not required. Being a MoH is a way for you to honour your friend, not to have a designated worker.
Just for curiousity's sake, how long, in your mind, is a reasonable amount for your friends and family to give you constant attention before they are allowed to get on with their lives?
Congratulations on your wedding!
There's a few things here; First, no you don't really have a reason to feel slighted. You picked a wedding day that worked for you, the MOH and her FI did the same. You get one day, and so do they.
Second, she should not be asking your FI to plan parties for her. It's rude to ask or expect that anyone host parties. If your FI wants to offer to host a party for her she's free to do that, but she absolutely doesn't have to.
Third, the bolded. She's not supposed to focus on planning your wedding. That's your job and the job of your FI. No one else. No one else is required to focus on, plan, organize, or rearrange their life for your party.
So all in all. No, this isn't about you, your FI, or your wedding. They picked a day that works for them, and you should be happy for them. If you want to offer to help plan/throw parties/whatever feel free to do so, but none of that is required. And it's not required that she do those things for her.
Nope. You don't get to feel slighted about this at all. Your wedding is not a marathon event. You get one day, she gets one day. Furthermore, there is no such thing as MOH "duties." The only thing the WP has to do is show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire the day of the wedding. It sounds like MOH has been very generous with her time and resources, so for you to feel slighted is pretty petty, especially since your concerns aren't even about her making it to your wedding, they're about whether or not she can plan parties and focus on you. FYI, no one other than you and your FI needs to "be focused" on your wedding. That's just ridiculous. Life continues on. Your wedding is not the end all be all. A quick engagement worked for MOH and her FI. Awesome. You wanted a longer engagement. Cool. But you sound incredibly entitled and selfish to expect someone to make your wedding and life their sole focus. That's not how life works. That's not how weddings work.
However it can be reasonable to feel like it is a little off if the MOH and new bride to be actually expects things on short notice.
So while I find no issue whatsoever that she's getting married one week before you, that may come with your FI saying that she's financially strapped planning her own wedding.
Generally, the thought on here is you get one day. Your FI's MOH is within her right to have a wedding a week earlier though, I personally do think she should have planned for at least a little more distance.
But she didn't, that was her choice, and neither one of you should bring it up.
One thing that bothers me from what you said is it sounds like the MOH SAID something about her bachelorette party to your FI? That was extremely rude on her part.
A bachelorette party is something a person(s) chooses to give a bride. It is not necessary. It is not required for anyone to throw, including the MOH. And one should not EXPECT and discuss a party they want thrown in their honor. It's just gross.
All a MOH or BM needs to do is show up to the wedding, mostly sober, with the appropriate attire on. If this is not something your FI thinks she can do at this time...or the bride is wrongly expecting more than that...than your FI can politely decline and say she prefers to be a guest because her own wedding is only a week later and she is focusing her attention on that. She really doesn't even need to give an excuse, but that is perfectly plausible one to me.
Omg, do not play the martyr card. How old are you?
Oh yeah. Btw. Not the greatest idea to start your comment with "OMG". Then question someone else's age/maturity level.
Everyone was polite and civil, no one personally attacked you, and no one insulted you. I don't see any post in which anyone was close to "attackish".
To the bolded, seriously? C'mon. No need for this.
You know it was a figure of speech used to convey incredulity. You seem prone to overreacting though. You took succinct responses as emotionally charged and "attackish." They were not. That's on you.
You're upset because she wants to marry the love of her life the week before you do. You're upset because she has a greater priority than assisting you with planning your wedding, which if she has actually volunteered to do is very gracious of her. You're upset because "she was supposed to be my fiancee's MOH," which I'd like to point out, she still is. Just because she isn't putting her life on hold for your one day doesn't mean she's any less a friend to your FI.
This isn't about your FI's MOH asking/expecting your FI to plan/host pre-wedding parties, or your post would have been a lot shorter.
Your FI is allowed to decline to be MOH in her friend's wedding, and she is also well within her rights to decline to plan and/or host any pre-wedding parties. But beyond that, there's nothing you can or should say to this newly-engaged couple about their wedding planning decisions. Those decisions have exactly zero bearing on your life, or your wedding.
You and your FI are wrong to assume this woman has any duties to you, to help plan and throw parties. And she's wrong to insist your FI throw her a party.
But since you aren't her friend, she isn't your maid of honor, and you haven't been asked to do anything, you should mind your own business.
I attended a wedding the weekend before my own, and it was no big deal. (Especially since both were local.) I'd be a little put off if someone flat out asked me to plan a party in their honor, but I wouldn't feel slighted. If your FI can't/doesn't want to throw a bachelorette party, she's free to say she can't.
Dirty Deleting (DD) is frowned upon on this forum, there might be others that come by with the same question who also need the same answers you received. It doesn't matter, you have been quoted so the delete is pretty pointless.
Exactly.
Dude, no one is making you continue to engage.
It's not something I would do unless it was truly the only date that worked with my VIPs in a three month span.
However... there could be several other considerations that I wouldn't be (and that you aren't) privy to.
So you're entitled to your feelings and if you feel it's weird, go ahead.
However, for mental health it's best to just let it go. Because while IMO it's a little weird it's not rude or wrong and it's best to not get hung up on or to feel slighted where it's very likely no slight was meant to be given (especially when there could be more that went into choosing that date than you realize).
I agree with PPs about pretty much everything else. If your fiancee wants to be MoH and legitimately can't swing a bach party (it is quite short notice) she can be honest with her friend. Or maybe middle ground and tell her "with both our weddings so close would you mind terribly if the bach party is low key?"
Maybe it's just a girls' night sleep over with four best friends, some movies, some pizza and maybe a trip to the liquor store?
I agree that the assumption that she must plan a bach party was wrong and MoH is wrong there.
But I have to ask:
Is there any chance that early on your fiancee made similar demands on her MoH? Did your fiancee perhaps expect a bach party too? Did she have specific demands about it?
You said MoH did anything your bride needed. Did MoH freely offer services or was she given todos / asked for favors?
I'm not asking these questions in order to insinuate that your fiancee did something wrong or is a bridezilla; the wedding industry does a very good job and making totally good people think that sort of thing is ok.
But, if there's any chance that this MoH was doing all of this because your fiancee truly had some set, expressed, expectations, and then, with the roles reversed, your fiancee won't do a fraction of what MoH was expected to do, I could see this causing a rift.
Two wrongs don't make a right. So your fiancee isn't required. But I'd suggest she gives this matter some thought.
Now if all the work MoH did was completely selfless, voluntary, unprompted work, then the point is moot. If her nose is out of joint because she's not getting treated the identical way with such short notice, that's her misconception and her problem. But again, friendship dynamics can be tricky, so your fiancee can choose to be the better person in this situation if she wants to keep things smooth.
Responses are written word. Unless explicitly stated, connotations/reading a tone/vibe are on the reader.