Wedding Woes

Carolyn Hax: Plus one+Plus One

lnixon8lnixon8 member
500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
edited May 2017 in Wedding Woes

Dear Carolyn: I am getting married this July. My fiance and I at some point told my younger sister she would get a plus-one. She said she was going to bring her best friend from college, and I cautioned her at the time that she might want to wait in case she gets a serious boyfriend between then and the wedding.

Now my sister is in a serious relationship, and my parents are pressuring my fiance and me to allow her to bring both the boyfriend and her best friend, saying I might regret not inviting him if my sister and her boyfriend get married.

My parents and fiance already have a somewhat rocky relationship and this is threatening to make it worse. Am I wrong for standing firm and saying she needs to still bring just one?

— C.

C.: Probably, but not for the reason you might think.

A guest with a plus-one-plus-one is silly.

But, the idea that a sister qualifies as merely a guest is silly, too.

And the idea that you’d either disinvite the best friend or exclude the serious boyfriend just because you don’t, what, want one extra plate? is silly. Especially since your parents could cover the cost, given how invested they are.

Of course, for the best friend not to just say, “Hey, bring Boyfriend in my place, I totally understand” also is silly. Unless there are airfares involved, I suppose.

That I’m now four contingencies into an analysis of one extra guest to a wedding is making the college degree I earned to qualify for this job feel silly.

The thing about silly expectations and silly concessions and silly rule-following, though, is that it’s all so easy to fix. You add a guest, someone bows out, someone chips in extra — meaning, you figure it out and Drama stays in its dressing room oblivious to all the fuss.

Yet you’ve presented this as Drama. As something that isn’t silly and that you can’t just figure out — and that’s my problem with your “standing firm.” It should never have mushroomed into a standing-firm standoff kind of event.

So, why did it?

This: “My parents and fiance already have a somewhat rocky relationship and this is threatening to make it worse.”

Assuming my between-line reading skills are sufficiently sharp, your fiance is digging in, in part if not entirely based on resentment of your parents. Or sister. Or both. And your parents are pushing back hard.

Yes, no, close enough?

If so, then you need to stop treating this as a “My knucklehead sister invited her bestie!” problem and see it for what it is: a power struggle between your family of origin and family of choice. One that’s taken a turn for the petty.

A bigger problem still is that you’re not calling it what is: You’re neither agreeing with your fiance and telling your parents to back off — not with conviction — nor agreeing with your parents and telling your fiance to back off. Instead you’re peacekeeping — backing your fiance because it’s harder not to and asking me if that’s right.

It’s not, because “right” is about peace of mind: Consult your values and gut, do what those say, then take the heat for it.

Easier said than done, but easier done than dodged.


ETA: typo in title



Re: Carolyn Hax: Plus one+Plus One

  • The LW totally buried the lede.   This is not about the sister and how many guests she gets.  What is going on with the FI and the parents?  That's the problem. 

    Plusalso, my sister's best friends were invited to my wedding with dates.  I grew up with their best friends just as much as they did, so...they're basically extended family. 
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens
  • I'm with Carolyn. LW needs to use her words and make a decision one way or the other. Honestly it's a little weird sister wants to bring both, but not a hill to die on. 
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Was it wrong for sister to ask to bring a second guest to the wedding? Sure. Is one extra guest going to be a problem? Probably not. This is where principles can get you into trouble. LW doesn't want to allow the extra guest because she warned little sis to save her invite just in case and now want to teach her a lesson because she didn't heed her warning. 
    mrsconn23OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens

  • lnixon8 said:


    C.:

    That I’m now four contingencies into an analysis of one extra guest to a wedding is making the college degree I earned to qualify for this job feel silly.




    I stopped reading at this. 

    You need a college degree to tell someone that they are making poor choices? (Cause something like 83% of these letters could be answered with, "you are making a poor choice, choose another option.")
    DrillSergeantCatmrsconn23InLoveInQueenscowgirl8238
  • Wow. She cut right through the bullshit and hit the nail on the head. 

    Now, I would be drawing the line at her sister pushing the envelope by being like "well now bestie is the third wheel and needs a plus one." 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I went to a friends wedding (along with rest of our friend group including A and B who are dating). A and B got one invite, rsvp'd yes and then broke up 10 days before the wedding. 7 days before the wedding A calls bride and says she is changing her plus one to a hometown friend. Bride is super nice and let her but I would have nope'd the hell out of that (she had plenty of friends both with SO's and single)

    But this is her sister! I'm with @mrsconn23 that my brothers best friends were invited and given plus ones but I understand that might not work for everyone.


    mrsconn23
  • Is LW making a bigger deal about sisters two people? Probably.

    But who is paying for the reception? If it's the parents, then LW can't really argue.
    If it's LW and fiance, then they do have last word.

    Agreed with everyone, I want to know about parents and fiance.
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2017
    Someone is shopping around for answers and advice columnists don't keep track of who else may have answered the question because Ask Amy just answered this a few days ago. 

    http://www.denverpost.com/2017/05/07/ask-amy-does-shared-custody-require-honest-sharing/

    OurWildKingdom


  • Someone is shopping around for answers and advice columnists don't keep track of who else may have answered the question because Ask Amy just answered this a few days ago. 

    http://www.denverpost.com/2017/05/07/ask-amy-does-shared-custody-require-honest-sharing/


    i read through the first issue on here, and i think my answer applies there as well. "you made a bad choice, next time choose a better choice."
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