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Future SIL Not a Bridesmaid
My fiance has 5 siblings - 1 biological sister, 2 half brothers, 1 adopted brother, and 1 step sister. No one thinks of them with any of those titles, they're all just siblings. I wanted to keep my bridal party as small as possible, but still ended up with 6 bridesmaids. FH's bio sister and I are extremely close. She lives 8 hours away and we text several times a week and talk about everything. She is also very close to my FH. For these reasons, she was one of the bridesmaids I asked.
FH only wanted 3 groomsmen (including step sister's fiance because they are very close friends). His other two are his two best friends. When I told him I had 6 bridesmaids and he needed 3 more groomsmen, he thought he has 3 brothers, easy solution. Okay, so now step sister is the only sibling not included in the wedding.
She is getting married in 2 months and did not ask me to be a bridesmaid. I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm a firm believer that everyone should have their wedding exactly how they want it and everyone else keep their mouth shut. So since we all know the normal rule is, if you ask me to be a bridesmaid and I'm getting married in the same time frame, there's some pressure for me to also ask you. In an effort to avoid that awkwardness for her, I decided not to ask her to be a bridesmaid because I didn't want her to feel pressured to ask me to be a bridesmaid. So my FH and I decided we would ask her to do a reading at the wedding. I don't even want a reading, but I genuinely wanted her to have a role in the wedding, therefore I was willing to have a reading.
Our wedding is still 6 months away. So far, we have only asked bridesmaids and groomsmen. We haven't asked ushers, officiants, etc. So she didn't know that she had a place in our wedding. I only asked the last bridesmaid a week and a half ago. Today she texted my FH and told him that because I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid and he didn't recognize that she was not asked and didn't "make" (yes, make) me ask her to be a bridesmaid, that she no longer wants him to be a groomsman in her wedding.
My FH and her FH work together. Her FH had no idea she was kicking my fiance out of their wedding. I felt horrible because from an outside perspective, I can see how she would get her feelings hurt. I immediately texted her explaining why I didn't ask her. And that the one and ONLY reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid is because she didn't ask me and I didn't want her to feel obligated to. I told her it was not because we didn't want her to be part of the wedding. That we did and we had a place for her, but we hadn't asked those type of people yet. She texted me back and said she really thinks it would be best if we just didn't have each other in our wedding and that there were no hard feelings.
I could've left it at that. But I texted her again, expressing how genuinely sorry I am and that I DO want her in my wedding. I reiterated that the only reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid was to avoid any awkwardness for her because she didn't ask me to be one. I extended the invitation to her to be in the wedding. I understand it could've been misconstrued as a "consolation prize" or something, so I offered proof in that I could send her texts between me and my mom where we had this exact conversation about her place in the wedding. And also that I could've accepted her last text and left it at a wash. But that I genuinely, 100% want her in the wedding. She declined again.
I know her feelings are hurt. Her fiance had no idea this was happening and my FH gave him our side and perspective at work today. I don't know what will come of this and if she will reach back out and accept my invitation to be in her wedding. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable because apparently my FH's dad and step mom knew she was feeling this way and so did her fiance. They just didn't know she was going to kick my FH out of their wedding.
I wish she would've talked to us and told us her feelings were hurt. This whole thing could've been cleared up.
Any advice on how to move forward? I'm not used to family drama or awkwardness. I'm not saying her feelings aren't valid, but I want her in our wedding. I don't know how to make this better.
FH only wanted 3 groomsmen (including step sister's fiance because they are very close friends). His other two are his two best friends. When I told him I had 6 bridesmaids and he needed 3 more groomsmen, he thought he has 3 brothers, easy solution. Okay, so now step sister is the only sibling not included in the wedding.
She is getting married in 2 months and did not ask me to be a bridesmaid. I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm a firm believer that everyone should have their wedding exactly how they want it and everyone else keep their mouth shut. So since we all know the normal rule is, if you ask me to be a bridesmaid and I'm getting married in the same time frame, there's some pressure for me to also ask you. In an effort to avoid that awkwardness for her, I decided not to ask her to be a bridesmaid because I didn't want her to feel pressured to ask me to be a bridesmaid. So my FH and I decided we would ask her to do a reading at the wedding. I don't even want a reading, but I genuinely wanted her to have a role in the wedding, therefore I was willing to have a reading.
Our wedding is still 6 months away. So far, we have only asked bridesmaids and groomsmen. We haven't asked ushers, officiants, etc. So she didn't know that she had a place in our wedding. I only asked the last bridesmaid a week and a half ago. Today she texted my FH and told him that because I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid and he didn't recognize that she was not asked and didn't "make" (yes, make) me ask her to be a bridesmaid, that she no longer wants him to be a groomsman in her wedding.
My FH and her FH work together. Her FH had no idea she was kicking my fiance out of their wedding. I felt horrible because from an outside perspective, I can see how she would get her feelings hurt. I immediately texted her explaining why I didn't ask her. And that the one and ONLY reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid is because she didn't ask me and I didn't want her to feel obligated to. I told her it was not because we didn't want her to be part of the wedding. That we did and we had a place for her, but we hadn't asked those type of people yet. She texted me back and said she really thinks it would be best if we just didn't have each other in our wedding and that there were no hard feelings.
I could've left it at that. But I texted her again, expressing how genuinely sorry I am and that I DO want her in my wedding. I reiterated that the only reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid was to avoid any awkwardness for her because she didn't ask me to be one. I extended the invitation to her to be in the wedding. I understand it could've been misconstrued as a "consolation prize" or something, so I offered proof in that I could send her texts between me and my mom where we had this exact conversation about her place in the wedding. And also that I could've accepted her last text and left it at a wash. But that I genuinely, 100% want her in the wedding. She declined again.
I know her feelings are hurt. Her fiance had no idea this was happening and my FH gave him our side and perspective at work today. I don't know what will come of this and if she will reach back out and accept my invitation to be in her wedding. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable because apparently my FH's dad and step mom knew she was feeling this way and so did her fiance. They just didn't know she was going to kick my FH out of their wedding.
I wish she would've talked to us and told us her feelings were hurt. This whole thing could've been cleared up.
Any advice on how to move forward? I'm not used to family drama or awkwardness. I'm not saying her feelings aren't valid, but I want her in our wedding. I don't know how to make this better.
Re: Future SIL Not a Bridesmaid
Just a few additional points though; 1) just because you had 6 bridesmaids does not mean you FI needs to have 6, he could have just had the three be originally wanted and not asked the other 3 "because he had to", and 2) there is no rule that if someone asks you to be in their wedding you have to ask them to be in your wedding if you're getting married close in time to one another. Ask who you want, don't ask who you don't want, but don't base it off of someone else's decision.
Thoughts/comments in bold above:
I think you need to let this all be. It sounds like there are a lot of emotions being thrown into the mix right now. I don't know what to say regarding your FI being kicked out of her wedding party. That is typically a very strong statement that almost always means "This relationship is over". I don't think she wants to cut all ties with you guys, but you can't force her to take back your FI either.
You and your FI never needed to have the same number of attendants on each side. Even sides are not a requirement.
But only you are entitled to decide who stands on your side, and only your FI is entitled to stand on his. He doesn't get to decide for you, you don't get to decide for him, and nobody else gets a say at all except for those whom you ask to be in your wedding party, who only get to decide for themselves if they will do it.
1.) Bridal parties do not need to be even. When people ask people to be in their WP simply for even sides, it never ends well. Vision and symmetry should never trump your relationships.
1b) How did you end up with 6 bridesmaids if you wanted a small WP? Your bridal party is your own, and never feel like you -have- to ask anyone.
2.) I'm sorry that she kicked your FI out of their wedding. That's usually considered a relationship-ending move. But unfortunately that's really between your FI and his sister. Blood talks to blood. I understand how her feelings were hurt (and it seems you do too), but she did make it way more complicated, rather than just expressing her thoughts.
3.) I think you got your apologies across and I would just leave it alone. Unfortunately, it's one of those situations where I'd say the damage is done. I think continuing to bring it up is only upsetting her more, which in turn is just going to make things harder for everyone. If I were her (and I don't mean this to sound harsh), I'd never accept your invitation to be in your wedding at that point. I would never feel like you actually want me there, and I think the whole situation would hurt me more. (I know you had good intentions though).
4.) If you still want to try to get her involved, a couple months down the line, maybe ask her if she'd like to do a reading. Don't give her a "job" like guest book or usher or anything like that. But, honestly, my advice would be to just let it go, because that may just create a repeat situation.
Good luck!
P.S. JSYK, when you make the same post on 2 different boards, always put XP in the title (cross post). Most people check all the boards though, so usually you don't have to post in more than one board to get a response quickly.
1. Sides don't have to be even. You should ask your closest friends and family members to stand with you, regardless of gender and numbers. Your fi could ask his sister to stand on his side as a groom's woman. Problem solved.
2. While you're not obligated to ask all the siblings to be in your wedding party, it's easy to see how leaving out one would lead to hurt feelings.
You've explained and apologized. Leave it alone.
Your FSIL owes your FI an apology. She was out of line to kick him out of her wedding party, whatever the reason.
You do not owe her anything. She has stated that she does not want to be your reader. Since you didn't want a reader, this is good.
You did create some of this drama when you told your FI that he needed to add groomsmen to make your sides even. This was wrong of you. You should apologize to your FI.
I going to say that if you and your FI think you needed even sides, I don't think it's a stretch to think you never thought of having her be on his side either. Your wording that she didn't ask you, so you didn't think of asking her makes me think it wasn't even a thought.
She is also a step-sibling. There might be some other issues behind being not included. Your FI might not think of her as a "real" sibling,etc. Like others have said, I would just leave it be.
Sorry you are having to deal with this - such ridiculous stress during what is supposed to be a joyous time.
What? You were in SIL's wedding. YOU say that SIL asking you was the respectful/courteous thing to do. Now that you are a bride to be you no longer feel that the respectful/courteous thing to do is ask HER to be in YOUR wedding party???? How do you not see the hypocrisy in your words?
She could still be 100% respectful/courteous without asking you to be in her wedding. She had no requirement whatsoever to ask you to stand with her. If it was anyone's responsibility to ask you (which it was not) it would have been your brother's.
That said... while she was in no way required to ask you, she probably thought she was. And now she thinks you are required to ask her for the same reasons.
She is of course completely incorrect in both respects. However, since you know this is likely the misconception she had, and because she is family, a little sensitivity is warranted.
Her feelings are hurt. And while you did nothing wrong and should not feel obligated in any way to ask her to be a bridesmaid now, try to understand how she is feeling rather than being upset about it.
Is she acting poorly? Yes. Did you do anything wrong? No.
But does she deserve to be shunned for having a misconception and feelings about it? Not really.
You don't need to write a letter. You don't need to explain why your bridesmaids were better choices. Assuming it's true you just have to say something like:
"I was honored that you asked me to be in your wedding. However I honestly assumed it was in large part because you were marrying my brother and he also wanted me in the wedding.
When it came time to pick my bridesmaids I wanted to pick the people I am closest to and that is my friends.
However, I am very happy we are family now and I hope in time we can become close as well. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. That was no my intention."
It's just incredibly frustrating, but another part of this is my brother and her will have a 1 yr old at the wedding, where is that baby supposed to go (if she was in the bridal party), on her hip while she stands with the girls? my parents? my brother? If anything not asking her is a courtesy to her so she doesn't have to figure out where baby will need to be and if he gets fussy she can easily leave with him to calm him down.
@bmbly10, to respond directly to someone, please hit the quote button. When you respond in isolated posts, it is often hard to follow.
You keep finding excuse after excuse as to why your original thoughts/opinions do not apply because now it is your "case".
YOU said......the expected, courteous, and respectful thing to do is to ask family members to be in the wedding party. YOU said that if you were not asked, YOU would have been hurt. You said NOTHING about the "depth" of the relationship. YOUR point was that family asks family as a general expectation. Now you want new rules because you do not want to ask your SIL to be a member of your wedding party. Now it suddenly has NOTHING to do with courtesy or respect, but everything to do with the depth of the shared relationship. That is hypocrisy 101.
YOU just shared the same response with @aurianna . You said you KNEW your SIL would expect to be asked to join your wedding party, and then feign outrage at her presumption.
What you are looking for is an excuse to "do as I say but not as I do". You're making up new excuses now regarding "the one year old" (this is your NIECE, by the way) trying to justify that now you are actually being courteous by excluding her.
Look. You do not have to ask your SIL to be one of your bridesmaids. But own it if that is your choice. Quit making excuses.
That first bolded is not universally true. Sometimes they are, sometimes they're not. I find that the answer here is as individual as families themselves. There's no one size fits all answer. So I 100% disagree that it's "generally a respectful thing to do."
As to the second, weak sauce. Parents are in wedding parties all the time, this isn't unique or unprecedented. If you and your H don't want her to stand up with either of you, that's your call, but then own it. Don't pretend that it's because of their child. I assure you, she has managed to do many things in the first year of that baby's life without staying in physical contact the entire time.
H and I are having a baby in a month. I would be highly offended if someone decided for me that I couldn't do something because of the baby. Have the decency to, you know, treat me and my H like the adults we are and make the decision for ourselves what we can or cannot do with the baby and what arrangements we need.
ETA: to be clear, you don't have to ask her (although I think your double standard, as others have pointed out, is sucky), but if you don't ask her, please, please, please don't blame it on the baby or base any part of that decision on the baby.