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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Rude Bride?
So my best friend of 7 years asked me to be her maid of honor (and I was overjoyed, of course!). She had asked her twin sister earlier, but she had said that she really didn't want to be in the wedding party, so I was asked instead.
Cut to six months later, I'm hanging out with the bride and her sister invites herself over. The bride and myself chat a little about wedding planning stuff (it was a 2+ year engagement) and move on to other topics. After I leave, her sister throws a fit about how I'm her maid of honor. Long story short, sister gets her way and the bride asks if her sister can be her maid of honor too. After seven years of being friends, I already know that she said yes to her sister and is asking my opinion after the fact so it really doesn't matter. At the time the bride said that she didn't really care about he labels of MOH/bridesmaid, and made it sound like we would both be joint MOHs.
Months later, I mention something about being her maid of honor and she says, "You're not my maid of honor, (sister's name) is." Was I right to be upset about this? Seven years of supposedly being best friends and her sister throws a fit to get her way after she already declined?
Cut to six months later, I'm hanging out with the bride and her sister invites herself over. The bride and myself chat a little about wedding planning stuff (it was a 2+ year engagement) and move on to other topics. After I leave, her sister throws a fit about how I'm her maid of honor. Long story short, sister gets her way and the bride asks if her sister can be her maid of honor too. After seven years of being friends, I already know that she said yes to her sister and is asking my opinion after the fact so it really doesn't matter. At the time the bride said that she didn't really care about he labels of MOH/bridesmaid, and made it sound like we would both be joint MOHs.
Months later, I mention something about being her maid of honor and she says, "You're not my maid of honor, (sister's name) is." Was I right to be upset about this? Seven years of supposedly being best friends and her sister throws a fit to get her way after she already declined?
Re: Rude Bride?
Why can't you both be co-MOH? I would be hurt to be "demoted", but sounds like your friend is just trying to keep the peace with the sister. If you're such good friends why didn't you say something right then like "Oh you had asked me to be MOH, has that changed?" and told her how you feel about that. If my best friend said/did something that hurt me I would talk to her about it.
There's not a right or wrong way to feel, but rather how you react to how you feel. Talk to her and go from there.
Folks, this is how making changes to your wedding party changes relationships.
Calmly say: 'Friend, I'm really hurt by how you have handled this situation. I understanding wedding planning is stressful, and you are trying to please everyone, but it seems like you are doing this at my expense. It hurt me when you confessed that you only asked me to be MoH because your sister didn't want it, but of course I want to be there for you and am happy to do it because I care about you. I was really hurt again that it now seems that I am no longer MoH because your sister has changed her mind. Of course, it is your decision to chose who you want, and I wouldn't never blame you for picking your sister. But it is this constant peace-making promotion and demotion to MOH at my expense that is just really hurting my feelings. I know its just a title but it really makes me feel like second banana to whatever sister decides and that you aren't really having consideration how this makes me feel. Of course I still want to be there for you and I know nothing can be done, but I'm really hurt.' Then just listen. She will likely get defensive, and you can repeat that this isn't an attack, but that an acknowledgment that this was wrong and an apology would really make you feel better.
I would probably have a brief chat with the friend just to get it off my chest and then let it go. If your friend is usually like this (non-confrontational/wishy-washy), its unlikely she will change based on your conversation but sometimes people need to be told that what they are doing is hurting you before they fully realize it. I don't know why she is "demoting" you back to BM though...she could just have two MOHs but maybe her sister is that "crazy jealous, 'there can only be one!' type."
Either way, I didn't have a MOH, just four BMs mainly because I just didn't really see any one of my closest friends as above the other in that sense. No one really noticed/cared anyway.
So you took yourself out of her wedding but she then spun it to say "you're fired"? I am guessing she was hurt by your taking yourself out of the wedding but did not do a good job of expressing it...or...you found out how your friend really is and dodged the bullet. It doesn't sound like your friend is being very mature about all this.
I had a former friend tell me on her wedding day that I was basically a prop and it ended our friendship. (My friend and I were her 2 BMs and her sister was MOH, she only wanted her sister but had asked us so the sides would be even with her Husbands...two GMs didn't attend so they ended up being uneven anyway and she vocalized the morning of her wedding!)
LUKERS: Remember when it comes to WPs
a) Sides don't have to be even/numbers don't matter
b) You can't just demote/replace/or fire a BM
c) You shouldn't set your BP before 9 months because things can change
d) Your WP should be your nearest and dearest and is one of the few things that only you get to chose!
You removed yourself in hopes that she'd beg you to stay, right? And now she's the rude one for calling your bluff?
Attendant? I hope that's a hired position, and not someone she ostensibly likes and wants to keep in her life.
Aside from what everyone else said, she seems to be completely clueless when it comes to wedding planning. She's letting everyone else control her, and she's making some super bad calls because of it. (Personally I couldn't imagine my entire wedding party looking at venues with me...did they also get to sit in on the business meeting and hear the price per person? Tacky.)
Don't get me wrong, I'd be pissed if I were you. But if she's not usually such a hot mess, I might give her the benefit of the doubt and try talking again after you've both had some time to cool down. Or at least pick up the phone if she calls you.
Just wanna make sure I have this straight:
First you said that you simply "mentioned something" about being MOH and the bride suddenly revealed you'd been replaced by her sister.
Then you said you posed the extremely leading question of "Do you even want me to be your MOH" to which she responded no. Was the "My sister's MOH" reveal a part of this response or did that come later?
Sorry but this all sounds like a lot of nonsense.
- I don't understand why anyone other than the bride, let alone "everyone", would care about, let alone "hate" you, for expressing hurt feelings over your exclusion from the venue visit.
- I don't understand why you'd effectively drop out of the wedding party over that "hate" instead of trying to figure out what the issue was.
- I don't understand why you're making it seem like the bride demoted / kicked you out when you're the one who brought it up. Kind of seems like maybe she didn't want to deal with the drama so when you gave her an out she took it.
Consider the friendship fizzled for now. BEAN DIP if you communicate from here on out if the topic of the wedding comes up. It's not worth whatever else might get messed up with the remaining friendship if you choose to salvage any of it.