Bridesmaid's Boyfriend

Knottie7c0cb5dce61dfc57 · May 2017

I am very conflicted right now on whether to invite one of my best friends' and bridesmaids boyfriend to our wedding. I believe he is emotionally if not physically abusive but they've been together almost 2 years and I live in a different state. I don't want to ignore her relationship but I feel really uncomfortable around him. I've met him three times and each time he has had extremely loud temper tantrums in public places, yelling insults at her and other people around him and causing a scene. I have heard him call her "garbage" and a "slut" and verbally abuse her. I actually asked him to leave my house when they came to visit because he was screaming at her so abusively. At that point she told me they were breaking up but they later got back together. A month later she told one of our friends that he had shoved her so hard she fell down and then he slammed a door in her face. Somehow she is still with him and continues to defend their relationship even after all her friends and family have expressed concern.

I know it is normally unacceptable in all circumstances to not invite a bridesmaids SO but I feel like this situation is different. He is prone to emotional, drunk and abusive outburst and I feel uncomfortable being around him. What about the option of having him skip the more intimate parts like the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but inviting him to join us at the reception (cocktail style so he can't cause as much of a scene)? That way I would acknowledge their relationship without risking as much?

I'm extremely stressed about this and worried about my friend. Any advice helps.

CMGragain · May 2017

Knottie7c0cb5dce61dfc57 said:

I am very conflicted right now on whether to invite one of my best friends' and bridesmaids boyfriend to our wedding. I believe he is emotionally if not physically abusive but they've been together almost 2 years and I live in a different state. I don't want to ignore her relationship but I feel really uncomfortable around him. I've met him three times and each time he has had extremely loud temper tantrums in public places, yelling insults at her and other people around him and causing a scene. I have heard him call her "garbage" and a "slut" and verbally abuse her. I actually asked him to leave my house when they came to visit because he was screaming at her so abusively. At that point she told me they were breaking up but they later got back together. A month later she told one of our friends that he had shoved her so hard she fell down and then he slammed a door in her face. Somehow she is still with him and continues to defend their relationship even after all her friends and family have expressed concern.

I know it is normally unacceptable in all circumstances to not invite a bridesmaids SO but I feel like this situation is different. He is prone to emotional, drunk and abusive outburst and I feel uncomfortable being around him. What about the option of having him skip the more intimate parts like the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but inviting him to join us at the reception (cocktail style so he can't cause as much of a scene)? That way I would acknowledge their relationship without risking as much?

I'm extremely stressed about this and worried about my friend. Any advice helps.

The bolded sentence says it all. The problem is not with your bridesmaid's boyfriend. The problem is with your friend who accepts this behavior and even defends it. She needs counseling.

I would urge you to keep communication open. Don't attack her boyfriend. If she comes to you with tearful drama, tell her that you care about her, but that she is the only person who can do anything about this situation. You might suggest counseling.

Yes, you have to invite her boyfriend. If he acts out, then have someone ready to escort him out. He will look like a jerk, not you.

lyndausvi · May 2017

I completely understand why you think the way you do. You don't have to like him.

If he really is abusive than excluding him will only make is worse for her. He will use you excluding him against her. She might not be "able" to attend the wedding (assuming they are still together). I would tread this lightly and be prepared that she will not be able to be in your wedding because you are excluding her BF from the wedding.

And no, only having him at the reception doesn't count. If everyone's SO are at all the events (as they should), you shouldn't exclude him. Besides it will be too obvious.

downtondiva · May 2017

This is a really rotten situation, but I don't see how you can exclude this boyfriend without causing even more problems for your friend (including her not being able to attend your wedding). Unless you have legitimate reason to believe he poses a physical threat to you or any of your guests, you have to invite him to everything. Being uncomfortable around him is not a good enough reason not to invite him.

Yes, he may insult or lose his temper with your friend at the wedding, and that would be terrible. However, your friend is an adult, and while you can be supportive of her and encourage her to get help, you cannot decide what she does or who she dates. For whatever reason, she is choosing to be with this man, and it is up to her to deal with whatever hurt or embarrassment he causes her at your wedding. Sad as it is, this is really one of those things that is beyond your control.

charlotte989875 · May 2017

I was in a relationship very similar to what you're describing here, and while I see how terrible it was now, I didn't see it then. Had my boyfriend, whom I thought I loved, been excluded 1) he probably wouldn't have let me go alone, 2) I would have been hurt by my friends excluding him (pushing me even closer to him), and 3) when I did finally figure out how to get out I turned to friends/family that had always been there for me, not the ones who tried to make me feel bad for being with him. So, if my experience is anything like your friends not inviting him will only make it worse.

Invite them together or have security/security numbers in case something gets out of hand.

mollybarker11 · May 2017

Not inviting your BM's bf will cause issues between her & him and her & you.

I don't understand why you think he'd be less likely to cause a scene at the cocktail reception, where he may be drinking and mingling in a lively crowd, than at the ceremony where he & everyone else will be sitting silently in rows of chairs. Regardless, excluding him from any part of the wedding will cause issues. Advise your venue that anyone causing a scene is to be removed, and hire security if your venue is unable to accommodate this.

The absolute most important thing here - more important than your rehearsal dinner, more important than your ceremony, more important than your reception (which I know are very important!) - is your friend's safety. I encourage you to find some resources on how to support victims of abuse in such a way that they are able to leave their abuser on their own. This is a delicate situation so you want to be sure you don't do/say anything that pushes her closer to him and further from her support system. I wish you luck.

SP29 · May 2017

Invite him (to everything) in order to support your friend.

As said above, if you don't invite him, he can use that against you/ the rest of her friends/family. People in abusive relationships also experience manipulation and isolation making it that much harder for your friend to leave if/when she chooses to. You can talk with her, be frank, suggest counseling support, but let her know you've got her back.

southernbelle0915 · May 2017

Everyone else has it covered, but I just want to say that, outside of the wedding, your friend really needs you.

Abusers will try to isolate their victims so that they feel trapped, like they have nowhere to go and that the abuser is the only person who "cares" about them. If friends show disdain for them (like not inviting them to a wedding), they'll spin it like they're a victim and everyone is against them or that it's the victim's fault for having mean friends. They'll manipulate any situation in order to maintain power and control. For someone to get out of a relationship like that, they need to know they have a way out. They need to know there's unconditional love and support outside of that relationship. You can provide that to her by simply being there for her in a non-judgmental way, answering whenever she calls, telling her how much you care. Instead of saying "he's an ass" say "I'm sorry you're hurt right now." You get the idea.

This is much bigger than a wedding invite list or seating chart. If she's a BM, she's one of your best friends and she needs you.

Knottie7c0cb5dce61dfc57 · May 2017

Wow! Thank you everyone for your insightful comments. It really helps to get some feedback from people outside the situation. I am going to invite him but we will have a security guard at the venue that will be ready in case anything gets out of hand. I do think you all are right that not inviting him will just isolate her further.

justsie · May 2017

Knottie7c0cb5dce61dfc57 said:

Wow! Thank you everyone for your insightful comments. It really helps to get some feedback from people outside the situation. I am going to invite him but we will have a security guard at the venue that will be ready in case anything gets out of hand. I do think you all are right that not inviting him will just isolate her further.

It would also not be unwise to talk the security guard and let him know of past behaviors so that he can be aware that this person may be an issue.

ahoywedding · May 2017

Ditto PPs. Continue to be a supportive friend, and don't let her BF try to pull her away from you. Not inviting him will cause more drama. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and he had convinced me to shut out almost all of my friends. It took me years to get some of those relationships back.

Most venues I've seen require an off-duty police officer or some sort of security guard if you serve alcohol. You could talk to your local police department about hiring an off-duty officer, and make the officer aware of the situation. They are trained to deal with people like him. If the BF has any questions, you can explain it as a venue requirement.

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