Wedding Woes


Dear Prudence,
I have recently become friends with two women from my college. I’m queer and they’re both lesbians, and I was excited to make more friends in the LGBT community. The problem is that they won’t stop hitting on me. I’m in a serious long-distance relationship with a man I love. At first I found their comments flattering, but they started going too far when they joked about “stealing” me away to my boyfriend’s face when he was visiting. One of them started grinding on me at a party and asked, “Are you wet yet?”

I dislike confrontation, but I don’t think it’s too much to expect that my friends respect my relationship. Do I just cut them off? Do I have to confront them and tell them to respect my relationship or we can’t be friends? My partner and I trust each other entirely and I know he’d never ask me to stop being friends with someone, but I don’t want to risk our relationship so that I can have gay friends. If they were hitting on my boyfriend or men hitting on me I would never tolerate this, so why is it so hard when they’re my gender?

—Double Standards

Re: Yeesh...

  • I think LW might be finding it hard because she wants the friendships to work out. So she's compromising her value and her desires to cater to what she thinks these people want. 

    If she brings it up and they're jerks about it, they probably weren't long-term friendship material anyway.

  • I think LW needs to mention during the moment that she is uncomfortable. They may think they're joking and just not know where LW's line is ....
  • I need some definition help!  It sounds like the LW is a woman with a b/f, but then describes herself as being queer?  I found that confusing.

    But, at any rate, it doesn't change my answer.  They are being disrespectful of her relationship and it is, understandably, bothering her.  She needs to have a sit down with them and express her feelings.  Like...I really value our friendship, but you all make a lot of jokes about "stealing me" from my b/f.  Jokingly hitting on me (maybe it isn't joking, but she should pretend it is).  But it actually makes me uncomfortable and it needs to stop.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • It is my understanding that 'queer' started as a slur and was retaken by the community to no longer be negative. Though it was and often still is used by people with same-gender attraction, it is something of a fluid term. In this instance it seems to indicate a queer woman who has at least some level of heterosexual/hetero-romantic attraction. If she prefers to identify as queer rather than bi or pansexual, that is entirely up to her. There is also the term 'genderqueer' though that does not appear to apply in this context.
  • She needs to be clear about what she's okay with and what she isn't. Maybe they think she's cool with it, or they're joking and think LW is fine with the jokes. Clearly not, so use your words. If they don't respect that they're not your friends. 
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