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Uneven Guest List

samcosculluelasamcosculluela member
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

I'm running into a bit of an issue with my guest list I am hoping you can help me out with. My parents are paying for the wedding. We are currently at 171 which of that I believe 90 something are from my family/ my friends/ my moms friends from elementary school. My fiancé has brought it to my attention that he feels it's not right for my mother to invite her friends while his mother can't invite her work friends as they were his teachers and a part of his life (we are trying to keep the guest list to a minimum for costs sake). Is it right for my parents to get a majority of the guest list because they are paying? Should it be equal across the board? Should my in laws contribute if they want more people? 

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Re: Uneven Guest List

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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2017


    samcosculluela said:


    I'm running into a bit of an issue with my guest list I am hoping you can help me out with. My parents are paying for the wedding. We are currently at 171 which of that I believe 90 something are from my family/ my friends/ my moms friends from elementary school. My fiancé has brought it to my attention that he feels it's not right for my mother to invite her friends while his mother can't invite her work friends as they were his teachers and a part of his life (we are trying to keep the guest list to a minimum for costs sake). Is it right for my parents to get a majority of the guest list because they are paying? Should it be equal across the board? Should my in laws contribute if they want more people? 





    He who pays gets a say. 

    It's not about 'sides' and splitting invites, it's that your mum is giving you a gift of hosting. What is the guest list limit? What is the budget limit? Are we talking about 5-10 people? I think you can ask your mum if you can pay for these people to attend, but you certainly can't ask your inlaws to pay for them. 

    His mum's friends aren't exactly like your parents are refusing to invite his family. 

    Your inlaws can offer to contribute, but they cannot be asked to contribute if they want more guests. No one 'should' be paying for this except you and your fi- everyone else giving money is a gift. Treat it as such. 

    As for you fi: would he have invited his mum's friends if you two were paying for the wedding? Or is it just about 'fairness'. 

    You are welcome to refuse the gift. The only way you can control the guest list is pay for it yourself. I think your fi needs to start recognising this is a gift, not an entitlement.
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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    As a former MOB who paid for the wedding (along with my H the FOB), I would've been fine with my daughter asking me to invite some of her FMIL's friends. Matter of fact I kept asking them if there were people whom they wanted to invite. Their list was pretty small and I was worried they weren't inviting people in order to be polite. They ended up throwing a party for the newlyweds a couple of weeks after the wedding. Oops I digress. If you have the type of relationship with your parents like I have with my daughter, you could talk to them about adding some of FMIL's friends if they are important to your FI.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    When your parents offered to pay, what did they say about the guest list? My parents also paid, but they told my in laws to invite whomever they wished, including close friends. If your FI is upset I'd see if there is a way to invite them (you two cover the costs, downsize something). 
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your parents aren't obligated to invite your FMILs work friends. If fi would like to invite them because he grew up with them, he should offer to pay for the guests.
    I agree with JediElizabeth, your parents are being very generous to give your fi's family approximately half the guest list. 
                       
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I agree with the PPs. If your parents are paying for the entire wedding, then it's very generous of them to cover the costs of hosting 80 guests for your FILs, and I'd tell them  so. If they want to invite 10 more people so the sides are even, they can offer to pay for them.
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    JeeGooDowsterJeeGooDowster member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Agree with everyone else, your parents are already being VERY generous.  Just out of curiosity, did you ask your parents if your FI's mom can invite her friends and it was a definite no?  If your FI felt the need to bring up the "unfairness" i think the best way to approach this without any drama is....you two pay for the extra guests on his side...your parents are already doing enough (way more than).
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