How to tell my 10 yr. old the big news

Re: How to tell my 10 yr. old the big news

• kwiksilver member

  

  June 2017

  
  

  JamaicaBride said:

  
  

  We are eloping to Jamaica in October, just the two of us.  I am afraid my 10 year old daughter will be disappointed that she cannot be there.  Any suggestions on a) a fun way to tell her and b)something she can contribute to the ceremony without actually being there?  I know she will be happy about the marriage, but I'd like her to feel included.
  

  
  

  
  As a mother myself, I don't know that this is a situation where you want to tell her in a "fun" way, especially if you think she may feel excluded. I would personally aim for a sensitive way, because it's normal for kids that age to want to be part of things. There isn't anything wrong with eloping, but I would just level with her and then let HER decide if she wants to contribute to the ceremony. Maybe she can help you chose some things related to the wedding. It's hard to say without knowing her 
  
  just be sensitive to her feelings and be prepared for her to potentially be upset at not being invited. I think being mindful of her is more important than making the announcement cute or fun. 

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• CMGragain member

  

  June 2017

  I don't think you should try to make this a "fun" announcement at all!  Tell her privately that you and your FI are going to get married in Jamaica, and that you will have a party for family when you come back.  Let her be involved with the party planning.
  

  

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• downtondiva member

  

  June 2017

  I think trying to make this "fun" might actually make it more of a letdown when you tell her she isn't going. Just be honest and then find a fun way to celebrate with her when you come back.

  
  

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• kaos16 member

  

  June 2017

  I think this is a really hard question, because 10 year olds have such varied personalities.  I would sit her down and explain that you and fiancé are going on vacation and get married.  Then ask her to help plan a dinner to celebrate with the two of you when you return, if that's something she might like to do.  Or maybe ask her if there is a certain gift she'd like you to bring back for her.

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  June 2017

  If you want her to feel included you should actually include her. Kids aren't dumb, she won't feel included because of some random thing you do in advance. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  June 2017 edited June 2017

  To be honest, I would not try to tell her in a "fun" way.
  
  I don't think there is any "fun" way to tell anyone of any age that they're not invited to anything that doesn't come off as "nya-nya."
  
  And if she's not invited to actually be there, she may not want to "contribute" at all. She also may have feelings of her own about you remarrying which aren't smiley-faced. 
  
  I would either invite her to join you or tell her in a straightforward manner in private. Maybe you and your FH can have some kind of private celebration together. But if she isn't in a good mood about your remarriage or leaving her out to begin with, trying to make the message "fun" will be counterproductive.

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  June 2017

  We eloped, so we did not include my H's kids. They were 21 and 18, so there was a bit of difference in age and they weren't living with us. We chose to not tell them very much prior to the wedding. We had already primed them for the fact that we were not having a traditional wedding, so when they found out we were married, it wasn't a huge shock. They also understood our reasons for not wanting anyone present for the ceremony. In your situation, I would definitely tell your daughter in advance and I think what PPs have mentioned (tell her straightforward) is best. You can also celebrate after- we chose to take the kids out to a really nice dinner - their choice of restaurant - once we were home and settled to celebrate. 

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• 00kim00 member

  

  June 2017

  First, I would think carefully about whether you really want to exclude her from the wedding. The best way to help her feel included is to actually include her. Living in a stepfamily is hard, and from the research I did before getting married, having a preteen girl makes it even more difficult. Having her buy in and excited about the wedding and marriage, rather than starting off on a bad note with her feeling excluded, will benefit you all in the long run.
  
  That said, let's say you've considered that and decided this is the best way to start your stepfamily (or this next bit works even if she does come to the ceremony). Find a day after your wedding, but close to it, and designate it as your "family birthday". It's separate from your wedding day/anniversary, which you can keep to celebrate your couple relationship. On your family birthday, decide something fun and exciting to do together, have a great cake/dessert, get a family birthday present, and take time to celebrate coming together and becoming a family. It's a great way to make her feel important and included, while allowing you your wedding/anniversary to focus on your spouse. Make sure to get her input on what to do for the family birthday! 
  
  Oh, and I agree with PPs... There is no appropriate and "fun" way to tell your daughter that she is not welcome on one of the most important days of your life, and at one of the most life-changing events of her life. Tell her privately and compassionately, validate her feelings and be understanding when she is disappointed and upset

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  June 2017

  It's totally fine to elope. 100%. You do not have to invite anyone, including your children. 
  
  But I would not try to give her a consolation prize by telling her in some fun way and then asking her to contribute to something she's not invited to. It's just kind of rubbing it in that she's not invited. 
  
  If you want to make her feel included, why don't y'all go out to a special dinner as a family? Or arrange for her to do something fun with Grandma/Grandpa (or whoever is watching her while y'all are gone).

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• dori_queen member

  

  August 2017 edited August 2017

  southernbelle0915 I agree with you - have a nice dinner together, explaining the situation. kids are so smart! I liked the tips in this article for introducing a new partner in general 
  
  

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