This person is supposedly an adult. I need to see the receipts.

mrsconn23 · June 2017

Dear Prudence,
I was born on the same day at the same hospital as a woman who has now been in my social circle for 28 years, though we are not particularly close. This has always posed a logistical problem when we try to celebrate. We either plan separate birthday parties (which is inconsiderate toward friends who have to choose), or plan an event together (which isn’t fun for me because she has five siblings who make a big deal about her gifts and her cake while my family is smaller and doesn’t get all that excited about birthdays).

This year I am particularly unhappy because, for the second time I have received an invitation to a surprise birthday party for the other woman thrown by her sisters. I am very upset at the thought of spending my birthday at a party being thrown exclusively for someone else, and last time I attended her surprise birthday party I left early and cried on the drive home because it made me feel so overlooked. These feelings have been building since elementary school when her mother would bring birthday cake and balloons to school, and our birthday was completely focused on her. I can’t throw my own party that day without putting our mutual friends in an awkward position. I am wondering, do I need to gracefully accept the invitation and grin and bear it, or can I tell her sisters I am not coming because I don’t enjoy going to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday? If her birthday were any other day, I would happily celebrate with her, as I do like her, but I find her family’s birthday fervor upsetting.

—Happy Birthday to Me

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

M has friends that are born around his bday. Typically as friends, we celebrate together but M and I have made a point to celebrate his bday separately {with family and typically something on our own}

I think LW needs to not go, stating that she is celebrating their bday - which is the same date - with their family. Just because you get an invite, doesn't mean you have to go. Maybe siblings don't actually know it's LW's bday also?

charlotte989875 · June 2017

Sounds like LW really has more of a problem with her own family/closest friends not doing things for her birthday. The birthday twin's family is super into birthdays, that has nothing to do with LW. Go, or not go, but the birthday fervor has nothing to do with LW.

short+sassy · June 2017

Wow, crying in her car on the way home? I find that extreme. I can see where it's been a little hurtful and annoying to share a birthday her whole life with a casual friend, but I also don't see it being that big a deal. Though, I admit, I'm more of a "just another day" birthday person.

She definitely should not go to the party. Obviously it would just upset her, so there is no harm in declining. In addition, if she wants to, I think she should throw her own party. Just do it on a different night/weekend. No one will side-eye her for doing that and their mutual friends will appreciate not having to "choose" which party to go to.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

Were they born 28 years ago or 8 years ago?

And why can't she just have her birthday party the weekend before or after? She sounds like one of those people who has a "birthday month" anyway, so what's the big deal?

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

I can understand feeling left out, but that's on LW's family not the friend. You can't expect someone else to tone down their celebrations because you don't get the same.

Joney · June 2017

I wonder if this is a more a symptom of generally feeling overlooked/unloved/lonely. Birthdays can highlight the people present or absent in your life, and then have the side by side comparison with someone who seems to have everything you're missing.

Politely decline, and reflect on what kinds of relationships you'd like to have in your life for the next birthday. Then put some time and effort into making that happen.

banana468 · June 2017

It honestly sounds like she's sad that she's taken the backseat for her life from this person. And whether or not it's true, she needs to figure out how to move on from that. If that means throwing a party on a different day or possibly finding a new circle of friends, she needs to seek ways to affect change in her life rather than lamenting why it hasn't happened on its own.

mrsconn23 · June 2017

My older sister's bday is on my dad's bday, so she's always had to share the celebration with him. My younger sister's bday is close to Thanksgiving, so she got presents with her turkey. My birthday is almost a month after Christmas. My mom has made her career in retail and had conferences in January when I was growing up (slowest time of the year). My mom often was OOT on my actual bday. And now I'm married to someone who's bday is 3 days after mine. So we share any celebration.

Were/are some years more difficulty than others? Sure. But I've taken to making my bday a good day for me. I don't work and I do what I want to do. If we can make bday plans on or around our bdays, we do. If not, then it is what it is.

I say all that to say that LW needs to explore her feelings on this. I don't think it's about her bday or having to share it. And she also needs to learn that she cannot control people's thoughts or actions and your birthday is just another day to everyone else. She needs to make a new tradition all on her own for her bday. Book a spa day, take a trip, do something she loves to do but doesn't indulge in that often.

baconsmom · June 2017

Try sharing a birthday with Jesus. Honestly.

short+sassy · June 2017

baconsmom said:

Try sharing a birthday with Jesus. Honestly.

Lol, I have an ex-b/f whose bday is New Year's Eve. He did hate that. But solved some of his angst by just throwing his own bday/New Year's Eve party, every year.

*Barbie* · June 2017

Do 28yo still have big annual birthday blowouts? Because if they do, I need to trade in my friends and family for people that will throw me yearly surprise parties. (DK actually threw one for my 30th - but it was more of "milestone" thing than an annual thing.)

I have 2 friends in high school with the same birthday as me, and we had a massive running joke about it. I've only been in contact with one of the guys since graduation, but we still joke about it every year.

mrsconn23 · June 2017

I can't tell if LW is 28 or just been around this person for that long. Also, 28 years is a long time to have this weird borderline 'frenemy' relationship with someone (even if it's just in LW's head and bday twin is perfectly lovely person who has no idea that LW harbors these thoughts and feelings).

And why did the LW need to mention they were born at the same hospital?

The more I think about this, the more I think LW has some issues of her own making around this friend group and bday twin. They need to branch out.

levioosa · June 2017

Is LW 9? Why is she acting like this as a 28 yo woman? Get over it. Go out with your friends. If they can't make it they'll do something with you another time.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2017

I can understand why the LW has issues related to her birthday, but as you all have said, her issues actually originate with her family and her friends.

She should speak to them and let them know that while celebrating birthdays might not be a big deal to them, they are important to her. And since they aren't likely to get the hint that she wants them to plan something special for her, she should just do it herself. Plan it for a day that won't conflict with the other chic's bday, invite the people she wants to celebrate with, and see who shows up.

nicolegs17 · June 2017

Homegirl needs to branch out and move to another city. Or celebrate her half birthday.

Or maybe everyone can give her a bag of sticks so she can start building a bridge to get over it.

lyndausvi · June 2017

I'm not a big birthday person. Neither is my family. The last birthday party that was thrown for me was when I was about 6. Birthdays were low key, special dinner type events.

I think even I would be annoyed that 100% of the attention for 28 years goes towards another person. My brothers are twins. We were able to celebrate both birthdays equally. Each got a cake. Each got to pick the birthday restaurant. One year we would go to brother A's choice. Brother B's choice another day. Reverse the next year.

At this point I'm sure the other party has a market on the actual day. There are certain people who start planning next year's party during the current year's party. Thus always having monopoly on the date so to speak. That is just the way it is. Especially if you come from a big birthday celebration family.

That said, the LW needs to just get over it. She sounds like a martyr with her whole "I don't want to put my friends on the position of choosing". I read that that she is is either insecure and doesn't think people wouldn't show up.

Or that for so long she blew off her own wants of celebrating on her actual birthday that 28 years later people might not even know her true feelings on the subject. Family and friends are not mind readers. If every year she seems okay with the other party getting the attention they will continue to think that way unless told other wise.

She is not in a good mental state to go to this year's party. Just decline. Find some other friends/family to celebrate. Then start planning her own party next year. Or just come to terms that her family and friends are just not into throwing parties like the other b-day-twin does.

MyNameIsNot · June 2017

In elementary school, I shared a birthday with the only set of twins in the whole school. (They were also in my grade.) Obviously, twin birthdays got way more attention than my normal birthday. I felt like LW does for a while, but I was over it by the time I was 12.

I find it odd that anyone continues with parties on the actual birthday every year at age 28. Most people seem to celebrate on the weekend before or after. LW should just pick the opposite weekend, and do her own celebration.

short+sassy · June 2017

It didn't hit me when I first read the letter but, assuming this is these women's 28th birthday, it's really odd there is a party being thrown at all.

Go out with a few friends to a restaurant and/or bar for a random year bday. Sure. Have a party for a milestone bday. Sure. That's what is typical for people over the age of 16.

Not saying there is anything wrong with a bday party for 28...or 33 or 47 or whatever. Just that it's unusual.

cowgirl8238 · June 2017

I'm a little late but I wanted to add that my DH is a twin and was born on Jan. 4th. His father was born Jan. 6th so all three birthdays often got lumped together as one celebration. Since they all followed Christmas/New Years and were three B-Days in 3 Days he felt that he often got less than others...until he was like 10!

If I was a mutual friend to these girls I would gladly take any excuse to go out and party two weekends in a row! I have a feeling that the LW has been harboring her feelings for a very long time, but no one knows what she really wants because she doesn't tell anyone.

levioosa · June 2017

short+sassy said:

It didn't hit me when I first read the letter but, assuming this is these women's 28th birthday, it's really odd there is a party being thrown at all.
Go out with a few friends to a restaurant and/or bar for a random year bday. Sure. Have a party for a milestone bday. Sure. That's what is typical for people over the age of 16.
Not saying there is anything wrong with a bday party for 28...or 33 or 47 or whatever. Just that it's unusual.

I know some 28 year olds who still make a huge fucking deal out of their birthday. Like, multiple day trips to Vegas every year. It's too much.

cupcait927 · June 2017

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

It didn't hit me when I first read the letter but, assuming this is these women's 28th birthday, it's really odd there is a party being thrown at all.
Go out with a few friends to a restaurant and/or bar for a random year bday. Sure. Have a party for a milestone bday. Sure. That's what is typical for people over the age of 16.
Not saying there is anything wrong with a bday party for 28...or 33 or 47 or whatever. Just that it's unusual.

I know some 28 year olds who still make a huge fucking deal out of their birthday. Like, multiple day trips to Vegas every year. It's too much.

But if that's how they want to celebrate, what's the harm? If I could take the time and had the money to go away every year for my birthday, I definitely would do it.

flantastic · June 2017

cupcait927 said:

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

It didn't hit me when I first read the letter but, assuming this is these women's 28th birthday, it's really odd there is a party being thrown at all.
Go out with a few friends to a restaurant and/or bar for a random year bday. Sure. Have a party for a milestone bday. Sure. That's what is typical for people over the age of 16.
Not saying there is anything wrong with a bday party for 28...or 33 or 47 or whatever. Just that it's unusual.

I know some 28 year olds who still make a huge fucking deal out of their birthday. Like, multiple day trips to Vegas every year. It's too much.

But if that's how they want to celebrate, what's the harm? If I could take the time and had the money to go away every year for my birthday, I definitely would do it.

No harm at all, as long as no friends are pressured to go with them. If I wanted to go to Vegas by myself or with DH every year, awesome, but if I expect my girlfriends to go or consider them bad friends, too much.

levioosa · June 2017

cupcait927 said:

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

It didn't hit me when I first read the letter but, assuming this is these women's 28th birthday, it's really odd there is a party being thrown at all.
Go out with a few friends to a restaurant and/or bar for a random year bday. Sure. Have a party for a milestone bday. Sure. That's what is typical for people over the age of 16.
Not saying there is anything wrong with a bday party for 28...or 33 or 47 or whatever. Just that it's unusual.

I know some 28 year olds who still make a huge fucking deal out of their birthday. Like, multiple day trips to Vegas every year. It's too much.

But if that's how they want to celebrate, what's the harm? If I could take the time and had the money to go away every year for my birthday, I definitely would do it.

The big deal is when they throw a tantrum when other members of the group want to go to a different bar, or take a nap during the day (all things I have witnessed). And when they guilt trip their friends into going on the trip. That's what I'm talking about by saying "they make it a big fucking deal." If my friends want to take a trip and say, "hey, let's do this trip and we can celebrate your birthday too!" it's all good, but I'm not being a brat and pouting when people want to go to a different bar or guilting anyone into taking the trip. The people I know get suuuper put out if their friends are like, "hey, can we just do dinner? I can't afford Vegas this year."

This person is supposedly an adult. I need to see the receipts.

Re: This person is supposedly an adult. I need to see the receipts.

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