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Wedding Woes

Propose a schedule? Make a sign-up list? Use your words?

Dear Prudence,

I am an Orthodox Jew. As such, I don't “work” during my Sabbath from sundown Friday to twilight Saturday each week. Because we can't use the Internet or drive, the Sabbath is a prime hangout time for me and my friends. Typical Sabbaths involve going over to friends' apartments for meals, chatting, and playing board games. It's usually very lovely.

The problem is that my friends very rarely host meals on the Sabbath. Therefore, the burden of hosting typically falls on me. I don't mind hosting every once in a while, but I feel that if I don't put something together, we won't see each other. I know for a fact that the weeks I don't pull a meal together, my friends just sit alone in their respective apartments and feel sorry for themselves. I think that's incredibly dumb. Couple this with the fact that I dislike hosting (it's expensive and stressful, I dislike cooking, and I'm an introvert who needs breaks from people), and resentment is starting to build in an unhealthy way. I can't host so frequently, especially when my friends don't host in the intervening weeks. But I also want to spend time with my friends on the Sabbath. What should I do?

—Perma-Hostess

Re: Propose a schedule? Make a sign-up list? Use your words?

  • I had this issue for awhile. We were always hosting people. It wasn't price, it was the fact I was tired of people coming over.

    You know what I did? I suggested potluck at someone else's place. 
  • I'd also try to set up a rotating Sabbath potluck.  It sounds like this circle of friends all especially enjoy getting together on the Sabbath.  Seems like something they would all be on board with and only need a little "prod" and someone to suggest it.

    When my H and I evacuated from NOLA during Hurricane Katrina, we ended up in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood (Bal Harbor) in Miami.  One of our neighbors asked him to turn her oven off on a Saturday and he was really intrigued to learn more about the do's/don'ts followed on the Sabbath.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think there are a few things going on here and some of them can't be grouped altogether.

    Some people just aren't hosts. They don't feel comfortable having people over.  They might be embarrassed of their living situation.  They might not know how to cook?  Maybe they can't afford to host?  Who knows?  

    I had an aunt who I never stepped foot in her home.  Not once.   She never invited anyone over. Nor would she bring a dish to a family party.  Was it annoying?  Yes, but that was they way she was.   That said, she was the ultimate provider of paper products.   Yep, anytime there was a family party that is what she would contribute.  She bought so much that the person who was hosting had enough to last a year or more.  LOL.

    Some people are just lazy and want others to do the work.

    Some people make assumptions.  If LW always hosts, there might be a misconception  that she loves to host and they let her thinking it what she loves to do.

    Like others said, LW needs to use her words.  Her friends are not mind readers.  If she doesn't want to host all the time,then don't.    If her friends want to get together, they will start hosting themselves, maybe.      






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    lyndausvi said:



    Some people make assumptions.  If LW always hosts, there might be a misconception  that she loves to host and they let her thinking it what she loves to do.

          


    This was my thought too
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