Family counseling...stat.

mrsconn23 · July 2017

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for 19 years and we have three sons together—two in college and one just starting high school. I started a relationship with another woman about nine months ago that was supposed to be just a one-time thing, but we fell in love (I know I’ve always had a thing for women). I’ve known her for three years. She has two wonderful daughters and is out as a lesbian. My sons all know their father and I are planning to get divorced. Of course they want us to work it out, but I’m in love with this woman. We connect like I never have with anyone else. I’m also in counseling and have been for six months.

I’m scared to come out to my children because I’m afraid I will lose them forever. I love my sons but I’m torn because I want to be with this woman for real. She isn’t pressuring me to come out or to introduce her to my kids or the rest of my family and friends; she says when the time is right I’ll know. She’s been so patient and accepts me as I am. My children have told me that whoever their father or I date, they will treat that person horribly and “chase them away.” I know they’re just hurt about the separation, but I don’t want to lose my girlfriend. What can I do?

—Torn

MissKittyDanger · July 2017

Family counseling. If LW's counselor does family counseling, it might be easier because she would understand how to lead it and make everyone feel comfortable. Especially the fact that LW has seen her for 6 months

kimmiinthemitten · July 2017

First question, does her now H know about the girlfriend? Second question, how has her and her H addressed issues of sexuality and gender with their sons throughout their childhood?

It seems like the divorce was an unexpected bombshell in her kids world, and she should probably work on that relationship with them before dropping another bomb. It sounds like now that she is comfortable with this side of herself, she wants to bee totally open, which I get after hiding it for so long. But she chose to bring three people into this world under that veil and needs to respect that her secret, was just that, a secret to them, and may take time for her kids to accept this new normal. Even if she was in another hetero relationship, I'd argue the kids need to adapt to the divorce before another relationship.

charlotte989875 · July 2017

Your children need counseling, stat.

Also, move slowly; this woman sounds incredibly patient and understanding, don't put her in a hostile or bad situation. The kids reaction seems unreasonable to me, but they are what they are. Don't try and force things quickly, take your time.

MissKittyDanger · July 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

First question, does her now H know about the girlfriend? Second question, how has her and her H addressed issues of sexuality and gender with their sons throughout their childhood?

It seems like the divorce was an unexpected bombshell in her kids world, and she should probably work on that relationship with them before dropping another bomb. It sounds like now that she is comfortable with this side of herself, she wants to bee totally open, which I get after hiding it for so long. But she chose to bring three people into this world under that veil and needs to respect that her secret, was just that, a secret to them, and may take time for her kids to accept this new normal. Even if she was in another hetero relationship, I'd argue the kids need to adapt to the divorce before another relationship.

Even if they had the conversation about that and the kids are knowledgeable about it, still a huge shock hearing your parent is completely different from what/who you thought they were.

My fear would be the kids thinking the mother was lying their whole life, which is where a counselor could help everyone deal with and understand

short+sassy · July 2017

Not to rain on the LW's parade, but I'd also throw a caution to her that the current relationship with her g/f has major warning signs that it may not be the "forever with puppies and rainbows" that she seems to be picturing. She and this woman have known each other a few years, but have only been dating nine months.

This was an affair that started while she was married for a long time to her H. There is a lot of turmoil in her life right now. Is she is really in love with her g/f? Or is she just happy to be so close to freedom from her marriage and about to live a truer life? Quite frankly, I don't think it would be possible for anyone to say with certainty in that situation that they are truly in love with that other person. Whether a same-sex or hetereo relationship.

justsie · July 2017

This happened to my H except he was closer to middle school/jr high. His mom was married to a man but started a relationship with a woman. I wished she would have been a little slower on the switch over, hearing how it all went down. H's step-father was really abusive, told H that his mom had left them, blah blah. On top of that they had been raised deep-south baptist up until that part, so it was really tough on my H. He didn't talk to his mother for months, and they are and were very close.
Things are way different now, his mother is still with that woman and H is very accepting of the relationship. Him and his mom have a great bond and its all past them (as far as I know). I know it wasn't an easy/short road to get there though.

VarunaTT · July 2017

These are really 2 different issues, that just happen to have a bit of interplay between them.

The kids: her kids DO need some counseling. Their parents are adults and humans. And it's hard to realize that your parents make mistakes, are individuals, and their love/marriage isn't some pure ribbon on a lovely present. I think that issue needs to be worked on before anything else at all. Her kids need to grow up and realize that mom and dad are divorcing, they're not in love anymore, that kids' relationships don't have to threatened or diminished by the fact that their parents are seeking individual happiness, not with each other.

New relationship: So, one of the things I know from my past marriage is that even though to the world I was barely out of my marriage for 4 months before I starting dating K, I had already been through the grieving process and mourned the end of my marriage for the last (at least) 3 years of it. I knew it was failing, hell had already failed, but I kept trying and pushing. I questioned myself a lot when we started dating exclusively. It actually took 2 friends who had known me for 15+ years asking me how long it had been since I'd had a relationship for real (BFF flat out said, "How long have you been single? Really?) and making me admit the above fact to myself, to make it okay. So, I'm not that concerned about the new GF, b/c LW doesn't give us a lot of details except, "I feel loved and connected again." Most of my circle who has divorced from long term marriages has to come to the realization and admit that it wasn't working for years, it's just that you stay in it, for various different reasons for each person. Especially since LW already seemed to have found a way to have a "one night thing", it'd been rough for awhile.

Once the kids have matured into this a bit, then I'd have the conversation about my sexuality. That's going to be a shocker, no matter what, but hopefully the kids can handle it with some grace. Then, the new relationship. B/c really, it wouldn't matter if this new relationship was with a man...it'd be hard no matter what.

banana468 · July 2017

I am assuming that if she was married for 19 years then her kids are in the middle of their adolescence and consequently the way that they may deal with conflict is going to be different than a grown adult. They need counseling for something like this in their lives. It's a traumatic event for them and they need to be able to process that.

Secondarily, mom needs to be able to process this with her kids.

IMO, they need to understand what's going on first and only THEN should mom begin to talk about moving forward with new partners and any potential introduction. At this point now I'd do what I could to keep this from kids because they aren't capable of handling it.

Family counseling...stat.

Re: Family counseling...stat.

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