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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie1449507749
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Elopement Bridal Shower
A friend of mine had a traditional wedding booked for next June when her fiancé's chronic illness relapsed. Unsure of what his health situation will be, they have cancelled the wedding and plan on having a small, semi-elopement. She fears that to hold a shower for her with registered gifts would be impolite but I feel like under their circumstances family and friends will still want to be part of a traditional shower. Does anyone have any thoughts on this situation?
Re: Elopement Bridal Shower
If you did want to go ahead with a shower anyway I'd think very small. Immediate family, closest friends.
I agree with PPs that only those invited to the wedding should generally be invited to the shower. I don't see a problem with a small, immediate family, closets friends shower, presumably those people would be invited to a small wedding?
However, it sounds like there may be some guests invited to the wedding itself. Those guests CAN be invited to a shower - but no one else.
Except it isn't appropriate, for reasons others have stated. And while there may be a few family members or friends who would rather throw a shower anyway, that's not going to be a universal feeling, and those of you who want one won't die of disappointment. She'll just have to politely turn down any showers offered, unless the plan is to invite the very few people now invited to the wedding.
If people really want to get together, give the couple gifts, etc., they'll find an appropriate way. A large shower is not it.
edited to reflect friend is bride
You should take your friend to a nice brunch with 1-2 other friends who know of the situation and all go in on a gift to make her feel special. You guys know what you're getting into (i.e. not invited to the wedding) and it would be a way to do something nice for her without potentially putting off some others. You're right, a lot of people would understand given the circumstanecs, but some people won't and they'll side eye your friend for it, which is not what you want either.
Maybe after the elopement someone would be inclined to throw a party in honor of the newly married couple, provided her fiancé's health situation allows it. That way they would still get to socialize with friends near in time to the wedding.
Is that acceptable etiquette wise?
That would be fine but it wouldn't be a gift giving occasion. A person can throw a party anytime!
Honestly, I'd probably bring a gift or check for something like this, especially if I knew the situation. I just wouldn't expect the couple to open it publicly.
Exactly, I'd bring a gift too, knowing the couple's situation. While showers are gift giving events, I'm hoping that the bride really wants a shower to spend time and celebrate with loved ones, and not just so they'll bring her pretty stuff. As such, this type of party could be perfect. OP, what do you think?
I think you mean that your friends are having a small private ceremony, not an elopement.
Anyone who wants to give the couple a gift is always free to do so, but there can be no gift giving parties unless the guests are also invited to the wedding.
Oh I would too but a shower is specifically a gift giving event. This type of party would be more of an open house type of thing. I'm sure a lot of people would bring gifts. Also stuff like registry information wouldn't be included on an invitation for a party.
Those who want to give a gift can do so without a party being held. If I had a dear friend getting married, I'd give a gift regardless of if I were invited or not.
A "meet the newlyweds" party afterwards would be fine. Not a gift giving event, but as long as everyone is aware the couple is married, no reason a fun party cannot be had.
I think an after party, hosted by a friend and not a gift-giving event, would be totally fine. However, given this couple's situation, I would probably still give a gift (as would a lot of people I'd think).
The couple or anyone else can throw them a party to celebrate the marriage after it takes place, but there would have to not be an expectation of gifts being opened at the party. Any gifts given at the party would have to be opened in private. But as long as that's the case, they can have the most fun event possible with the party.
Thanks for the responses. It looks likes the consensus is "only guests invited to the wedding can be invited to the shower", regardless of the circumstances.
She is conflicted about whether she is going to have a smaller wedding at home or elope with a few family members and closest friends present. If we do go away for her wedding, she will likely have a get-together after.
I'll keep your advise in mind as she finalizes her decision. Thanks again.
A shower would be inappropriate here but I think a party after the wedding is fine. If people feel like bringing gifts they will.