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30+ years?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I've been with my partner/husband for 32 years, and we finally got married in 2013 after it became legally possible for us. I love him, but ever since we first met, he’s cheated on me. I found out for the first time many years ago and intended to break up with him, but he apologized profusely and told me that it was only sex and that I was more important to him than anyone else. He vowed to stop, but it’s continued for years. Every time it’s the same story. I realize now he will never stop. I want to separate, but he swears he wants us to stay together. The real issue is that I'm 65 years old and now disabled. I rely on his job for insurance and financial assistance. This is all I have left and life would be much harder without it. I can't tell you how much I've agonized over this. I'm tired of the cheating and the resulting fights. But I feel stuck!

–Ready to Leave

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Re: 30+ years?

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Such a sad life LW has endured with 30 years of cheating.  LW should have left decades ago.

    I would reach out to an attorney and get some advice. 

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    kvrunskvruns member
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    that is sad feeling so trapped like that. On the insurance front, he should be able to get Medicare, so that takes care of insurance aspect (he has to pay some, although there are low cost options and especially if he is disabled he can likely get additional help paying for things). Financial help for every day living is a different story, so I guess he has to decide which is the lesser of the two evils.  
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    It's too bad the LW didn't just either leave or come to terms with it years ago.  I suppose one could say he did come to terms with it, but is changing his mind now.  Which is fair enough.

    To copy @kvruns, he does need to decide the lesser of two evils.  Leave the person he loves, but no longer wants to be with and have a much tougher life financially.  Or keep putting up with the cheating and continue accepting it will never change.

    An unfortunate choice, either way.

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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't understand at all how 'it was only sex' makes cheating at all acceptable. That's what makes it fucking 'cheating' in the first place, that and the other person not knowing about it. That's, like, the entire fucking definition. I hope LW has someone else, anyone else, who can help him get out and on disability/Medicare.
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    artbyallie said:
    I don't understand at all how 'it was only sex' makes cheating at all acceptable. That's what makes it fucking 'cheating' in the first place, that and the other person not knowing about it. That's, like, the entire fucking definition. I hope LW has someone else, anyone else, who can help him get out and on disability/Medicare.

    Come to think of it.  All those years ago, that should have been the LW's second warning sign.  That, even with all the apologies, the partner's underlying attitude was it was NBD because "it was only sex", ie they weren't emotionally invested in the other person.

    For a weird analogy, but I swear this was the first thing that popped into my head reading @artbyallie's post.  It's like my recent scumbag tenant who literally texted to us that "he's always paid his rent"...because we can use the security deposit for his unpaid June rent.

    It's all just irresponsible people trying to use b.s. excuses to actually try and justify their sh***y behavior.  Really, just to themselves.

    Or my other fave...though not something the LW mentioned...cheaters who use getting caught as their excuse to "get all mad at their partner" because they were "driven" to cheat.  Driven, I tell you!  Because they were the ones so wronged by their partner not giving them sex as much as they wanted.  So, "of course", they had to go elsewhere.

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    banana468banana468 member
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    The "it's only sex" was the bullshit line I got from my ex bf.  It wasn't love.  It wasn't a replacement for my awesomeness.   It was physical lust.   

    To the ex, at least 16 years ago, sex was separate from any emotion.




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