Wedding Etiquette Forum

How many to expect from personal experience?

I know you should always plan on 100% attendance which is fine. We can deal with that. But I'm wondering about people's personal experience. My wedding is the day before a holiday (December 30th) in Ohio, so snow is a risk. About 20% of our guest list are distant family or acquaintances from at least 6 hours away. From personal experience, do you think it's safe to assume that that 20% probably won't make it? I'm particularly wondering about the holiday weekend wedding, because I have heard both - assume less people are coming and assume more people are coming because it's a holiday.

Re: How many to expect from personal experience?

  • I know you should always plan on 100% attendance which is fine. We can deal with that. But I'm wondering about people's personal experience. My wedding is the day before a holiday (December 30th) in Ohio, so snow is a risk. About 20% of our guest list are distant family or acquaintances from at least 6 hours away. From personal experience, do you think it's safe to assume that that 20% probably won't make it? I'm particularly wondering about the holiday weekend wedding, because I have heard both - assume less people are coming and assume more people are coming because it's a holiday.
    This is so specific to individuals that I don't think there's a standard. I got married Friday of Memorial Day weekend and I maybe had 10% decline (if that?). My sister got married the same day you did in Buffalo and they had a lot more declines (but it did fall on a Wednesday that year). I think it's pretty hard to judge but with a holiday weekend many people will have standing plans they may not be willing to change. 
  • I know you should always plan on 100% attendance which is fine. We can deal with that. But I'm wondering about people's personal experience. My wedding is the day before a holiday (December 30th) in Ohio, so snow is a risk. About 20% of our guest list are distant family or acquaintances from at least 6 hours away. From personal experience, do you think it's safe to assume that that 20% probably won't make it? I'm particularly wondering about the holiday weekend wedding, because I have heard both - assume less people are coming and assume more people are coming because it's a holiday.

    How many people are you inviting? Distant family and acquaintances don't usually need to be invited. If I had to travel 6 hours to go to the wedding of someone I barely knew, I probably wouldn't.  
  • I only had a few declines and they were ones that I expected from the beginning as they were having a baby that week and the other was involved in a big business deal. Good that you are planning on 100% attendance.
  • edited July 2017
     There are extenuating factors...
    The acquaintances...for my FH, he considers all the good people he meets to be t a good friend. And since they're all good people, it goes the other way too. Hence why the amount of people I would consider to be acquaintances that are being invited. A good chunk of them are from North Carolina and Wisconsin, so they have 10 hour drives. Out of respect for our parents, we're inviting the more distant family members. My parents are paying, so it seems like a fair trade. 
  • eileenrob said:
    I was married a Friday in February in NYC so snow was a big possibility.  H and I invited 175 and 174 attended (six declines...five people that hadn't been invited showed up).  My parents swore 10% usually decline and our venue chimed in that for winter weddings it's more like 20%, but that wasn't my experience.
    Did you mostly invite local people?
  • We invited around 110 (every single getting a +1 and all kids invited) to our domestic DW and about 65 attended. I don't remember exact number but know it was a little over 50%.
  • 229 (I think) were invited to DD's wedding. 154 showed up. It was the Saturday of Labor Day weekend. We knew that probably 30 people wouldn't show up - health reasons or they had told us when STDs were sent.
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    eileenrob said:
    I was married a Friday in February in NYC so snow was a big possibility.  H and I invited 175 and 174 attended (six declines...five people that hadn't been invited showed up).  My parents swore 10% usually decline and our venue chimed in that for winter weddings it's more like 20%, but that wasn't my experience.
    Did you mostly invite local people?
    Yes two-thirds of the guest list was local.  Funnily enough, our few declines were local guests.  Everyone invited from VT, CA, FL (my family) and El Salvador and the DR (H's family) came  :D 
  • We invited 220 and have had about 50% RSVP yes with around half invited having to travel a very long distance (internationally) So it's hard to know.

    I found that with in the same country we only have a handful of declines, it's been mostly those who would have to travel internationally as you would expect. 

    I'd looked at our list and asked my self what I thought the person would do - with the exception of a few I was able to guesstimate who would and wouldn't come.

    Hope that helps

  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    eileenrob said:
    I was married a Friday in February in NYC so snow was a big possibility.  H and I invited 175 and 174 attended (six declines...five people that hadn't been invited showed up).  My parents swore 10% usually decline and our venue chimed in that for winter weddings it's more like 20%, but that wasn't my experience.
    Huh?  At what point during the reception was this made aware?  Who just shows up to a reception?

    We had one decline that did show up for the wedding.  Mary and John, Jane and Joe are friends.  Mary and John RSVP'd "yes" but we knew John was very ill.  Jane and Joe declined because they were having personal issues.  The day of the wedding, John was too ill to attend.  Jane, who by now had separated from Joe, decided to attend in John's place with Mary.  Although a little quirky, it worked.  All were on the original guest list.  But 5 uninvited people??
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MobKaz said:
    eileenrob said:
    I was married a Friday in February in NYC so snow was a big possibility.  H and I invited 175 and 174 attended (six declines...five people that hadn't been invited showed up).  My parents swore 10% usually decline and our venue chimed in that for winter weddings it's more like 20%, but that wasn't my experience.
    Huh?  At what point during the reception was this made aware?  Who just shows up to a reception?

    We had one decline that did show up for the wedding.  Mary and John, Jane and Joe are friends.  Mary and John RSVP'd "yes" but we knew John was very ill.  Jane and Joe declined because they were having personal issues.  The day of the wedding, John was too ill to attend.  Jane, who by now had separated from Joe, decided to attend in John's place with Mary.  Although a little quirky, it worked.  All were on the original guest list.  But 5 uninvited people??
    None of the extras were on the guest list.  H's cousin and his wife brought the wife's aunt and uncle, who were in town for the weekend.  H's sister and BIL brought a friend of theirs along.  And one of my coworkers brought her two sisters along, who she'd "always wanted me to meet".  We became aware of the guests when we did table visits.  God bless our venue they added chairs and place settings seamlessly; the guests didn't put us over fire code and we had room in our budget for them, but it was definitely strange.
  • With it being before a holiday, more people may have off work so they might be able to travel. Snow is definitely a possibility, but I grew up in WI....don't count on that stopping those people from coming! You may find a lot of later RSVPs, as people are watching the weather to decide if they want to make travel plans. If you do a hotel block, you could ask about their cancellation policy and post that information with the rest of the hotel info. If the weather does decide to suck, be prepared for some last-minute cancellations. 

    My cousin got married a couple days before Christmas in WI and there was a MONSTER storm. Her family was all local, and our OOT family had mostly come in a couple days early, so I think most people were able to attend. There were a couple last minute declines due to flight delays/cancellations.
  • eileenrob said:
    MobKaz said:
    eileenrob said:
    I was married a Friday in February in NYC so snow was a big possibility.  H and I invited 175 and 174 attended (six declines...five people that hadn't been invited showed up).  My parents swore 10% usually decline and our venue chimed in that for winter weddings it's more like 20%, but that wasn't my experience.
    Huh?  At what point during the reception was this made aware?  Who just shows up to a reception?

    We had one decline that did show up for the wedding.  Mary and John, Jane and Joe are friends.  Mary and John RSVP'd "yes" but we knew John was very ill.  Jane and Joe declined because they were having personal issues.  The day of the wedding, John was too ill to attend.  Jane, who by now had separated from Joe, decided to attend in John's place with Mary.  Although a little quirky, it worked.  All were on the original guest list.  But 5 uninvited people??
    None of the extras were on the guest list.  H's cousin and his wife brought the wife's aunt and uncle, who were in town for the weekend.  H's sister and BIL brought a friend of theirs along.  And one of my coworkers brought her two sisters along, who she'd "always wanted me to meet".  We became aware of the guests when we did table visits.  God bless our venue they added chairs and place settings seamlessly; the guests didn't put us over fire code and we had room in our budget for them, but it was definitely strange.

    Whhooaaa!  All of that is terrible of your guests, but I think a coworker bringing her two sisters definitely takes the cake.  You have to wonder what people are thinking!  At least it all got handled gracefully, but there are a lot of weddings where 5 unexpected people could have made a real issue.  Either with fire codes, not enough food, and/or not enough seating.
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  • eileenrob said:
    MobKaz said:
    eileenrob said:
    I was married a Friday in February in NYC so snow was a big possibility.  H and I invited 175 and 174 attended (six declines...five people that hadn't been invited showed up).  My parents swore 10% usually decline and our venue chimed in that for winter weddings it's more like 20%, but that wasn't my experience.
    Huh?  At what point during the reception was this made aware?  Who just shows up to a reception?

    We had one decline that did show up for the wedding.  Mary and John, Jane and Joe are friends.  Mary and John RSVP'd "yes" but we knew John was very ill.  Jane and Joe declined because they were having personal issues.  The day of the wedding, John was too ill to attend.  Jane, who by now had separated from Joe, decided to attend in John's place with Mary.  Although a little quirky, it worked.  All were on the original guest list.  But 5 uninvited people??
    None of the extras were on the guest list.  H's cousin and his wife brought the wife's aunt and uncle, who were in town for the weekend.  H's sister and BIL brought a friend of theirs along.  And one of my coworkers brought her two sisters along, who she'd "always wanted me to meet".  We became aware of the guests when we did table visits.  God bless our venue they added chairs and place settings seamlessly; the guests didn't put us over fire code and we had room in our budget for them, but it was definitely strange.

    Whhooaaa!  All of that is terrible of your guests, but I think a coworker bringing her two sisters definitely takes the cake.  You have to wonder what people are thinking!  At least it all got handled gracefully, but there are a lot of weddings where 5 unexpected people could have made a real issue.  Either with fire codes, not enough food, and/or not enough seating.
    I have learned that people either do not think, or truly have zero clue as to protocol.  I married 39 years ago.  I grew up in the Chicago area, while DH grew up in rural Wisconsin.  H's invited aunt and uncle brought their SEVEN uninvited children to the wedding.  I guess where they are from it is presumed that an invitation is for the entire family. 

    My mom discreetly had the venue create an entire additional table just for the family.  I have no clue how that much additional food was accommodated, but it worked.  We still talk, and mostly laugh, about it to this day.
  • MobKaz said:
    eileenrob said:
    MobKaz said:
    eileenrob said:
    I was married a Friday in February in NYC so snow was a big possibility.  H and I invited 175 and 174 attended (six declines...five people that hadn't been invited showed up).  My parents swore 10% usually decline and our venue chimed in that for winter weddings it's more like 20%, but that wasn't my experience.
    Huh?  At what point during the reception was this made aware?  Who just shows up to a reception?

    We had one decline that did show up for the wedding.  Mary and John, Jane and Joe are friends.  Mary and John RSVP'd "yes" but we knew John was very ill.  Jane and Joe declined because they were having personal issues.  The day of the wedding, John was too ill to attend.  Jane, who by now had separated from Joe, decided to attend in John's place with Mary.  Although a little quirky, it worked.  All were on the original guest list.  But 5 uninvited people??
    None of the extras were on the guest list.  H's cousin and his wife brought the wife's aunt and uncle, who were in town for the weekend.  H's sister and BIL brought a friend of theirs along.  And one of my coworkers brought her two sisters along, who she'd "always wanted me to meet".  We became aware of the guests when we did table visits.  God bless our venue they added chairs and place settings seamlessly; the guests didn't put us over fire code and we had room in our budget for them, but it was definitely strange.

    Whhooaaa!  All of that is terrible of your guests, but I think a coworker bringing her two sisters definitely takes the cake.  You have to wonder what people are thinking!  At least it all got handled gracefully, but there are a lot of weddings where 5 unexpected people could have made a real issue.  Either with fire codes, not enough food, and/or not enough seating.
    I have learned that people either do not think, or truly have zero clue as to protocol.  I married 39 years ago.  I grew up in the Chicago area, while DH grew up in rural Wisconsin.  H's invited aunt and uncle brought their SEVEN uninvited children to the wedding.  I guess where they are from it is presumed that an invitation is for the entire family. 

    My mom discreetly had the venue create an entire additional table just for the family.  I have no clue how that much additional food was accommodated, but it worked.  We still talk, and mostly laugh, about it to this day.
    Rural WI (rural most of the Midwest actually) has their own rules! ;)
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MobKaz said:
    eileenrob said:
    MobKaz said:
    eileenrob said:
    I was married a Friday in February in NYC so snow was a big possibility.  H and I invited 175 and 174 attended (six declines...five people that hadn't been invited showed up).  My parents swore 10% usually decline and our venue chimed in that for winter weddings it's more like 20%, but that wasn't my experience.
    Huh?  At what point during the reception was this made aware?  Who just shows up to a reception?

    We had one decline that did show up for the wedding.  Mary and John, Jane and Joe are friends.  Mary and John RSVP'd "yes" but we knew John was very ill.  Jane and Joe declined because they were having personal issues.  The day of the wedding, John was too ill to attend.  Jane, who by now had separated from Joe, decided to attend in John's place with Mary.  Although a little quirky, it worked.  All were on the original guest list.  But 5 uninvited people??
    None of the extras were on the guest list.  H's cousin and his wife brought the wife's aunt and uncle, who were in town for the weekend.  H's sister and BIL brought a friend of theirs along.  And one of my coworkers brought her two sisters along, who she'd "always wanted me to meet".  We became aware of the guests when we did table visits.  God bless our venue they added chairs and place settings seamlessly; the guests didn't put us over fire code and we had room in our budget for them, but it was definitely strange.

    Whhooaaa!  All of that is terrible of your guests, but I think a coworker bringing her two sisters definitely takes the cake.  You have to wonder what people are thinking!  At least it all got handled gracefully, but there are a lot of weddings where 5 unexpected people could have made a real issue.  Either with fire codes, not enough food, and/or not enough seating.
    I have learned that people either do not think, or truly have zero clue as to protocol.  I married 39 years ago.  I grew up in the Chicago area, while DH grew up in rural Wisconsin.  H's invited aunt and uncle brought their SEVEN uninvited children to the wedding.  I guess where they are from it is presumed that an invitation is for the entire family. 

    My mom discreetly had the venue create an entire additional table just for the family.  I have no clue how that much additional food was accommodated, but it worked.  We still talk, and mostly laugh, about it to this day.
    Rural WI (rural most of the Midwest actually) has their own rules! ;)
    Apparently in NYC/LI too  :# we did get lucky that it worked out; I've attended a few weddings that didn't seem like an extra five guests could've been accommodated.  My coworker is Haitian, and the following Tuesday at work when she said "aren't my sisters a trip?!" or something like that, I said yes and then did tactfully say I was a bit surprised they were there. She said in Haitian culture guests bring their own guests, like an open house.  That was new to me but bc it was in the past and had worked out I was like "oh..okay!".
  • eileenrob said:
    Apparently in NYC/LI too  :# we did get lucky that it worked out; I've attended a few weddings that didn't seem like an extra five guests could've been accommodated.  My coworker is Haitian, and the following Tuesday at work when she said "aren't my sisters a trip?!" or something like that, I said yes and then did tactfully say I was a bit surprised they were there. She said in Haitian culture guests bring their own guests, like an open house.  That was new to me but bc it was in the past and had worked out I was like "oh..okay!".
    Hmmm...the fact that she "explained" Haitian culture to you, makes me suspect she very well knew that is NOT the custom in the U.S.  At least the "extras" all worked out without too much fuss and there was no drama needed.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2017
    I had a 100% OOT wedding.  147 of the 174 came.  4 did no show.  

    We had one uninvited guest.   Which oddly enough was a guest of another uninvited guest.   Basically we invited a couple from the islands.  Their daughter lived an hour away.  They asked if she could come as their driver (husband drinks, wife doesn't drive).   We said "yes".   Daughter brought a date.      

    It's very common in the islands to bring family/friends to weddings even if they were not directly invited.    I've been to island weddings and they are chaotic compared to what we normally see.   Never enough tables/chairs.   How could you when you don't know how many people are coming.

    Catering - somehow there is enough food.   Oh and get this, people bring their own togo containers and/or the couple provides them and load up on food for people who couldn't make the party.  Or for people who just popped in but can't stay.  This is NOT at the end of the night either.   They are loading up togo containers before everyone has gone through the line.   It's the craziest thing I've seen.


       
    Anyway OP, this is one of these things you should NOT count on.   It will only drive you crazy.

    I have a cousin who doesn't go to local (to our family) weddings.  I would have put money down she would decline.  Yet, she came to my OOT wedding.  Another cousin lives OOT from most of the family and declines most events.    She and her husband came to my wedding (which was farther away than where we grew up).  

    You just never know.  People surprise you.  Distant relatives might like to go to family wedding to "see everyone".  Especially if they are near retirement age and have more time/money to travel.    Flip side, someone you might "expect" to make ends up having to decline.      

     For the most part you can only count on WP members and immediate family.  The rest are all wildcards.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited August 2017
    LOL @MobKa z.t There's one in every family. I have an Tante Simone, who makes up a plate or two before she leaves the parties. The next day's lunch and desserts are her party favor, I guess. Memere, God rest her soul, always put dinner rolls in her huge white purse :) She lived through the depression and those bread lines and rations. Couldn't bear the thought of good bread being thrown away. But @lyndausvi  guest takes the cake, literally and figuratively. I've never seen anyone help themselves to leftovers before they were left over.

    My daughter's wedding. There were lots of no shows due to Hurricane Sandy. All the out of state and international guests had arranged to come in a day or two before the wedding, so they were here safe and sound, in their hotel rooms, close to the wedding venue. The guests from NJ were no shows, understandably. There were about 20 no shows.

                       
  • LOL @MobKa z.t There's one in every family. I have an Tante Simone, who makes up a plate or two before she leaves the parties. The next day's lunch and desserts are her party favor, I guess. My Memere, God rest her soul, always put dinner rolls in her huge white purse :) She lived through the depression and those bread lines and rations. Couldn't bear the thought of good bread being thrown away. But @lyndausvi  guest takes the cake, literally and figuratively. I've never seen anyone help themselves to leftovers before they were left over.

    My daughter's wedding. There were lots of no shows due to Hurricane Sandy. All the out of state and international guests had arranged to come in a day or two before the wedding, so they were here safe and sound, in their hotel rooms, close to the wedding venue. The guests from NJ were no shows, understandably. There were about 20 no shows.

    To be fair this is not just weddings.    BBQ beach parties, birthday parties, funerals, whatever. If you are having a party you provide enough food to feed a ton of people on the island so people who can't attend or can only pop in for a few minutes can be fed.      

    First time I experienced it was like WTF?  Who takes togo food at the beginning of the party?   Rolls and rolls of aluminum foil are used.   Empty plate on top of the full plate then wrapped in plastic.  These people have mastered the art of taking food home from a party.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited August 2017
    lyndausvi said:
    LOL @MobKa z.t There's one in every family. I have an Tante Simone, who makes up a plate or two before she leaves the parties. The next day's lunch and desserts are her party favor, I guess. My Memere, God rest her soul, always put dinner rolls in her huge white purse :) She lived through the depression and those bread lines and rations. Couldn't bear the thought of good bread being thrown away. But @lyndausvi  guest takes the cake, literally and figuratively. I've never seen anyone help themselves to leftovers before they were left over.

    My daughter's wedding. There were lots of no shows due to Hurricane Sandy. All the out of state and international guests had arranged to come in a day or two before the wedding, so they were here safe and sound, in their hotel rooms, close to the wedding venue. The guests from NJ were no shows, understandably. There were about 20 no shows.

    To be fair this is not just weddings.    BBQ beach parties, birthday parties, funerals, whatever. If you are having a party you provide enough food to feed a ton of people on the island so people who can't attend or can only pop in for a few minutes can be fed.      

    First time I experienced it was like WTF?  Who takes togo food at the beginning of the party?   Rolls and rolls of aluminum foil are used.   Empty plate on top of the full plate then wrapped in plastic.  These people have mastered the art of taking food home from a party.
    Wait a minute. Do they also take home the centerpieces? My family does. They are the last to leave the parties. We never had to worry about a clean up crew. The old aunts could clear the tables and load the centerpieces, left over favors, and anything that didn't belong to the venue, in no time, while the uncles had one for the road. Also, not just weddings.
                       
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