Post-Wedding MOH Resentment

theknotsarah · August 2017

I have had a lot of trouble getting over resentment that I have had of my MOH. I just feel like she really let me down as a friend throughout the engagement/wedding process, and it allowed me to realize she is not really a true friend after all, which makes me sad. Is anyone else dealing with this? =(

levioosa · August 2017

theknotsarah said:

I have had a lot of trouble getting over resentment that I have had of my MOH. I just feel like she really let me down as a friend throughout the engagement/wedding process, and it allowed me to realize she is not really a true friend after all, which makes me sad. Is anyone else dealing with this? =(

The only thing your MOH/WP is required to do is show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire the day of the wedding. They don't have to help you plan, pay, decorate, shop, or throw you any parties. Did you have unrealistic expectations? What exactly did your MOH do to "let you down?"

climbingsingle · August 2017

What did she do? How did she let you down?

ahoywedding · August 2017

How did she let you down?

It does suck to have expectations for people and not have them met, and it's hard not to feel bummed in those situations. In times like that, I ask myself if I made my expectations clear and if they were reasonable. In this situation, the only thing expected of the WP is to show up on time in the agreed upon attire. Movies and Pinterest make it seem like the WP is supposed to help with all wedding events and joyfully do so in matching outfits & the whole shebang, but that's not how things end up for most people.

theknotsarah · August 2017

Just general thoughtlessness and disregard for my feelings... I didn't ask her to do anything special.

There's a number of things, it just seems like overall the experience made me realize I am not worth making a big effort for her and it hurts because I did a ton of nice stuff for her along the way.

ahoywedding · August 2017

Oof, yeah that is a lot of small but hurtful things. From what you've said, it does kind of seem like she's not a great friend. Has she always been like this? We all have those friends we kind of keep around that we're not sure why. If this is a change, and if you're interested in maintaining the relationship, I'd ask her what's going on. But if this is how she's always been and you're realizing you can't be friends with someone like that, maybe it is best to cut ties. It hurts, and sometimes it's hard, but there's nothing wrong with choosing who you associate with.

theknotsarah · August 2017

We have been friends for so long I guess that we have just drifted apart as far as our interests go, and live in different cities now so I guess I didn't realize how much. But she was my best friend and oldest friend, so I did expect her to be there for me for the wedding. I guess it is good I had this experience to realize that but at the same time I wish I had known before because I would have picked a different MOH and wouldn't have so many regrets.

southernbelle0915 · August 2017

Yikes, I'm sorry to hear all of that. I can see how those things would really hurt, and the implications of an eroded friendship hurt even more.

Unfortunately (and actually fortunately), life is full of times when you realize who your true friends really are. It hurts in the short term, but it's usually very good for you in the long term. I'm sorry you're dealing with the short term hurt right now, but I really hope that you can see the big picture - you got married to the love of your life and you're starting a new chapter. That chapter may not include everyone you thought it would, but it sounds like it's better that way.

downtondiva · August 2017

I can totally understand why you are upset. Forget about being a disappointing MOH; this woman has been a bad friend, which is much worse. Have you had issues like this with her in the past?

It's not something anyone likes to think about, but not every friendship is going to last forever. Sometimes it's as simple as divergent interests or living too far away, and sometimes it's a case like yours, where someone's behavior makes you realize maybe this isn't a person you want in your life.

Based on what you've said, she sounds like a very negative person, and I don't believe confronting her, even gently, is going to accomplish anything. I think the best thing you can do right now is distance yourself from your MOH and focus on your new marriage and the friendships that bring something positive to your life.

climbingsingle · August 2017

Sometimes you need to walk away from a friendship, and this sounds like one of those times.

In the past, I've given friends a pass because we've been friends for so long. I had a friend that was my best friend since kindergarten - so almost 32 years we've known each other. When I got married the first time back in 2004, she threw a fit that she wasn't my MOH. She showed up drunk and high to my bridal shower and fell asleep on my mom's couch. She never showed for my bach party. And at the wedding, she caused such a scene, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. And guess what? I stayed friends with her. I kept telling myself that because we had been friends for so long, that it was worth hanging on to the friendship. I only just recently ended the friendship, after she hurt me so bad (yet again). Don't make the same mistake I did. Know when to walk away from a bad friend. And OP, this woman sounds like a bad friend. I'm sorry.

theknotsarah · August 2017

I appreciate all of the advice!! I guess it's just getting to me because I feel like I have been such a good friend to her, and the wedding could have been a really positive and fun experience for both of us if she had chosen to be more positive about it, but it seemed like anything wedding related that involved her lead to negativity. Makes me wonder why she said she would be my MOH in the first place!

theknotsarah · August 2017

AND It's true, one of the difficult things is that I can't just tell her how I feel and work past it, it's *too much* so I have to get over it on my own and just let it go.

charlotte989875 · August 2017

theknotsarah said:

I appreciate all of the advice!! I guess it's just getting to me because I feel like I have been such a good friend to her, and the wedding could have been a really positive and fun experience for both of us if she had chosen to be more positive about it, but it seemed like anything wedding related that involved her lead to negativity. Makes me wonder why she said she would be my MOH in the first place! I am going to definitely make less of an effort going forward and focus on the positive people in my life. I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to get over my resentment about this.

So I had a falling out with my MOH around our wedding (if you search my posting history you can find the details) and we're still polite when we see one another our friendship is effectively nonexistent. This may sound silly but grieve the loss of your friend; feel sad, feel angry, or disappointed, but try not to dwell on What she could have done differently (the bolded), because at the end of the day, she didn't. She chose her actions and behavior and sure you could spend your time trying to figure out "why" , but sometimes there is no good reason, the reason is more hurtful, and/or it just won't be good enough. Try focusing on the good things; for me, my sister and I became closer with all the drama that happened, I stopped spending time dealing with my former-BFFs drama (happened a lot), and honestly I'm a lot happier.

ahoywedding · August 2017

theknotsarah said:

I appreciate all of the advice!! I guess it's just getting to me because I feel like I have been such a good friend to her, and the wedding could have been a really positive and fun experience for both of us if she had chosen to be more positive about it, but it seemed like anything wedding related that involved her lead to negativity. Makes me wonder why she said she would be my MOH in the first place! I am going to definitely make less of an effort going forward and focus on the positive people in my life. I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to get over my resentment about this.

I lost a friend in the midst of wedding planning (not nearly as long a friendship as yours!), and this was one of the best things that came from it. This woman was super negative all of the time, and as a result of her being gone, the rest of our group focused more on being positive and supporting each other. It's really weird to cut someone out of your life or lose a friend when you can't point to one moment and say THIS right here is why things changed. It does get easier, and you start to feel better.

Also, I wanted to apologize if my initial post came off snotty. I was expecting some "I expected the moon & the stars from my WP and they did not make my wedding Pinteresty" drama, but this is anything but. Stick around!

theknotsarah · August 2017

That's OK. I just felt kind of mean writing a huge list of all of the things she did that bothered me.

MesmrEwe · August 2017

From your secondary post, it sounds like typical addict behavior if she's out getting high and offering you drugs and most of all does not see a problem with that behavior.

Distancing yourself is a good idea given what you posted in the secondary post until she cleans/sobers up. JS...

CMGragain · August 2017

I am sorry. If you include addicts in your circle of friends, you must expect them to disappoint you. Have you tried to talk to your friend about support groups to help her stop abusing drugs?

Ending your friendship might just be a good thing for you to do. Make it clear that you cannot deal with her drug use. She won't like it, but it could help be a wake up call for her. A true friend does not enable other friends. Tell her that the door is open if she gets clean.

knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f · August 2017

Hey,

I can understand your frustration and anger - but I do really think you need to think about how you were acting/treating her during the wedding planning process. I would reflect on it maybe in 6 or so months once everything has kind of settled a bit. I'm on the other end of a similar situation (just a BM), but I know sometimes our perspectives get a little hairy during stressful times.

But you could also be right, maybe you were just slowly fading away. Not all friendships are meant to last forever. Even ones that have lasted your whole life.

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