Mom vs. newly found dad and family.
This spring I found my biological father and his family for the first time. The man I thought was my father died when I was 13, and he obviously preferred my half-brothers to me. I also didn’t get along with my stepfather when my mother remarried when I was a teenager. When I was 19, I went through some of my mother’s papers and found my real father’s name. I found him, and he and his wife were both wonderful. My father told me that he dated my mother long ago, but after she left, she lied to him about me. A DNA test confirmed we’re related, but my mother continued to lie to me after I confronted her with the truth. She finally admitted it but accused me of invading her privacy and going “behind her back.” She asked me to lie to my brothers, but I refused.
I moved out. I refused to stop seeing my new family, even though my mother told me I was embarrassing her. I see my father, stepmother, and sisters regularly. It is such a relief to have them in my life. My father has offered to pay for my school, and my stepmother has invited me for the holidays—they are welcoming, warm, and kind to me. Now I don’t know how to forgive my mother. She keeps lying and saying she did what she thought was best for me and that my stepfather loved me like I was “his own.” When I tell her how cold he always was to me, she tells me I am remembering wrong. I miss my brothers, but I can’t see my mother without seeing red. She wants to play pretend again, and I won’t do it, but I don’t know what to do.
—Lying Mother
Re: Mom vs. newly found dad and family.
LW needs to work through the anger before talking to the mother and half-brothers.
Poor LW. I'm glad that she has found her bio-dad. And I'm glad that bio-dad is stepping up and that step-mom is also welcoming.
LW does need counseling though. She should be able to get assistance at her college (assuming she is already attending). And it should be low cost/free for her too.
LW doesn't say how old her brothers are, but if they are on social media - she should reach out to the them there. Even if she cannot physically see them without seeing her mom, she may be able to at least have an online relationship with the brothers.
I think it's a great thing that bio-dad is acting like this, and mom's behavior is bizarre. I'm mildly concerned that this is a sexual assault situation and mom is seeming weird and defensive because she doesn't want LW to be "taken in" by the dad, nor does she want to bring her into that. However, that doesn't excuse not being able to recognize and acknowledge favoritism and coldness in the stepdad.
What about the letter makes you go to sexual assault? I often jump to worst case scenarios (product of my profession) but didn't get this at all.
I do think the letter writer's mother may have some mental health issues though.
Counselling is probably a good idea, but honestly, I'd just cut her out and drop the drama. Keep up with the bros if you want - but be prepared for them to also think you're "remembering wrong", because they will have a different relationship with her than you do.
What does the LW need - to take off the blinders and rose colored glasses. There are Daddy issues happening whether LW wants to admit them or not she was holding on to the rose glasses of the relationship she didn't have and nothing her Mother is going to tell her is going to be good enough. It's unfortunate but until some maturity sets in and being able to see the situation from the Mom's perspective, stop wasting others' time for an explanation she's currently unwilling to accept regardless of the truth being in the middle.