My dad (father of the bride) is threatening not to come to my wedding

Re: My dad (father of the bride) is threatening not to come to my wedding

• flantastic member

  

  August 2017

  Knottie080dca31e78b58c3 said:

  Some background: My aunt lives with my dad, she's mentally disabled and prone to violent outbursts (once, I was dropping something off at his house and she attacked me from behind). Even though she's been more stable recently I told my dad I will not have her at my wedding or reception. I believe she'd cause a scene and I don't trust my dad to handle it properly (he tends to brush them off). At first he tried to compromise with me "she'll only be there for a little bit" but when I didn't budge he told me "If she doesn't go, then I don't go".  
  
  At first I thought I didn't give him enough time to find someone to care for her for the day. I asked him this and he said that's not a problem at all, it's that he thinks I'm turning my back on my family. He then started ranting about how he's bending over backwards for my wedding. That made me even more upset since hasn't contributed at ALL, not even emotional support. I never asked my dad to pay for anything, Ted (my fiance) and I are paying for it on our own. He didn't even offer us a 'congratulations' when we got engaged.
  
  I love my dad but I definitely don't want my aunt there. I'm considering making some sort of compromise just so he'll come, but I don't want him to think what he's doing is acceptable. I've been imagining the father-daughter dance at my wedding since I was a kid and now I feel like it's being ripped away.
  

  JIC
  
  I agree with @scribe95. I understand why your dad's upset. 

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2017

  scribe95 said:

  I think it sucks that you are holding a mental disability against your aunt. There might or might not be an issue at the wedding but your father loves her and wants her to be part of the event and family. I would let her. 

  I totally disagree with the bolded. OP isn't saying "oh my aunt has severe depression and I don't want downers at my wedding." The aunt is "prone to violent outbursts" and "attacked her from behind". That's not holding a mental disability against someone - it's protecting the safety of others.
  
  If I were OP, I would not want to be worrying about someone with a history of violent attacks physically assaulting my guests and the person who's supposed to be in charge of her "brushing them off". NOPE.
  

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• *Barbie* member

  

  August 2017

  What is your relationship with your aunt outside of this wedding situation?
  
  I can see it from both sides - your aunt can't help if she has a cognitive disability, so it does seem shitty to not include her because of a condition that she can't control. However, with a history of *violent* outbursts - I can see how you would view her as a liability to the safety of your other guests. 
  
  In your shoes, I think I would try to work out a way that your aunt could be there, but address with your dad the need to mitigate any behavior that could result in harm to others - could you work with him to get her an aide for the day? Set up a quiet room to allow a place for her to go if she is becoming agitated? 
  
  This also brings to mind a question that was posted recently about new parents who were both in the wedding party, and wanted suggestions on how to fulfill WP duties while parenting. You want your dad to be an active participant in the wedding (father/daughter dance, walking you down the aisle, pictures, etc.) but he may have trouble doing this and keeping an eye on your aunt at the same time. If this is your underlying concern, then i would take this approach with your dad - it may be better received than "if you're bringing her, you're not welcome."

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• flantastic member

  

  August 2017

  southernbelle0915 said:

  scribe95 said:

  I think it sucks that you are holding a mental disability against your aunt. There might or might not be an issue at the wedding but your father loves her and wants her to be part of the event and family. I would let her. 

  I totally disagree with the bolded. OP isn't saying "oh my aunt has severe depression and I don't want downers at my wedding." The aunt is "prone to violent outbursts" and "attacked her from behind". That's not holding a mental disability against someone - it's protecting the safety of others.
  
  If I were OP, I would not want to be worrying about someone with a history of violent attacks physically assaulting my guests and the person who's supposed to be in charge of her "brushing them off". NOPE.
  

  There may be that, but I also get why the dad's upset. It's not the aunt's fault, and she's part of the family. A social event may not be an appropriate place for her, but the way OP is coming off it's just like she doesn't care about the aunt, only the possibility of a disturbance. If OP can convince the dad that she loves aunt, she's just concerned about other guests, then she might get somewhere with him. 

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2017

  flantastic said:

  southernbelle0915 said:

  scribe95 said:

  I think it sucks that you are holding a mental disability against your aunt. There might or might not be an issue at the wedding but your father loves her and wants her to be part of the event and family. I would let her. 

  I totally disagree with the bolded. OP isn't saying "oh my aunt has severe depression and I don't want downers at my wedding." The aunt is "prone to violent outbursts" and "attacked her from behind". That's not holding a mental disability against someone - it's protecting the safety of others.
  
  If I were OP, I would not want to be worrying about someone with a history of violent attacks physically assaulting my guests and the person who's supposed to be in charge of her "brushing them off". NOPE.
  

  There may be that, but I also get why the dad's upset. It's not the aunt's fault, and she's part of the family. A social event may not be an appropriate place for her, but the way OP is coming off it's just like she doesn't care about the aunt, only the possibility of a disturbance. If OP can convince the dad that she loves aunt, she's just concerned about other guests, then she might get somewhere with him. 

  I see nothing in her post alluding to her not caring about her aunt. It's purely focused on the violent outbursts being the reason she doesn't want her there. Not wanting violence at your wedding does not (IMO) = not caring about people. Rather the opposite. 

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• flantastic member

  

  August 2017

  southernbelle0915 said:

  flantastic said:

  southernbelle0915 said:

  scribe95 said:

  I think it sucks that you are holding a mental disability against your aunt. There might or might not be an issue at the wedding but your father loves her and wants her to be part of the event and family. I would let her. 

  I totally disagree with the bolded. OP isn't saying "oh my aunt has severe depression and I don't want downers at my wedding." The aunt is "prone to violent outbursts" and "attacked her from behind". That's not holding a mental disability against someone - it's protecting the safety of others.
  
  If I were OP, I would not want to be worrying about someone with a history of violent attacks physically assaulting my guests and the person who's supposed to be in charge of her "brushing them off". NOPE.
  

  There may be that, but I also get why the dad's upset. It's not the aunt's fault, and she's part of the family. A social event may not be an appropriate place for her, but the way OP is coming off it's just like she doesn't care about the aunt, only the possibility of a disturbance. If OP can convince the dad that she loves aunt, she's just concerned about other guests, then she might get somewhere with him. 

  I see nothing in her post alluding to her not caring about her aunt. It's purely focused on the violent outbursts being the reason she doesn't want her there. Not wanting violence at your wedding does not (IMO) = not caring about people. Rather the opposite. 

  I do think it's pretty clear that the dad feels that way, though, so making it explicit that she does care might help.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2017 edited August 2017

  flantastic said:

  southernbelle0915 said:

  flantastic said:

  southernbelle0915 said:

  scribe95 said:

  I think it sucks that you are holding a mental disability against your aunt. There might or might not be an issue at the wedding but your father loves her and wants her to be part of the event and family. I would let her. 

  I totally disagree with the bolded. OP isn't saying "oh my aunt has severe depression and I don't want downers at my wedding." The aunt is "prone to violent outbursts" and "attacked her from behind". That's not holding a mental disability against someone - it's protecting the safety of others.
  
  If I were OP, I would not want to be worrying about someone with a history of violent attacks physically assaulting my guests and the person who's supposed to be in charge of her "brushing them off". NOPE.
  

  There may be that, but I also get why the dad's upset. It's not the aunt's fault, and she's part of the family. A social event may not be an appropriate place for her, but the way OP is coming off it's just like she doesn't care about the aunt, only the possibility of a disturbance. If OP can convince the dad that she loves aunt, she's just concerned about other guests, then she might get somewhere with him. 

  I see nothing in her post alluding to her not caring about her aunt. It's purely focused on the violent outbursts being the reason she doesn't want her there. Not wanting violence at your wedding does not (IMO) = not caring about people. Rather the opposite. 

  I do think it's pretty clear that the dad feels that way, though, so making it explicit that she does care might help.

  Clarity may help. But the dad threatening not to go to his daughter's wedding doesn't make me think that if she tells him she loves her aunt, that it is going to change his stance. He's basically said "it's her and me or it's neither of us". Doesn't sound to me like a lot of room for negotiation.
  
  I like @*Barbie*'s suggestion of asking the dad to arrange for an aide to bring her (maybe just for the ceremony where it's calmer?). The dad needs to be willing to make some concessions here. Just because a violent person (for whatever reason) is family doesn't mean OP should put the safety of her guests at risk. 

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• climbingsingle member

  

  August 2017

  I'm really on the fence about this. The aunt has actually physically attacked the bride. I understand that she's mentally disabled, but what happens if the aunt attacks someone at the wedding? What if she causes actually bodily damage? 
  
  Scribe, I would say the difference is this is an adult female that could probably pose much more danger re: bodily harm than a child. A child could most likely be more easily subdued than an adult female. 

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• *Barbie* member

  

  August 2017

  scribe95 said:

  Out of curiosity if this was a child with autism who has violent outbursts sometimes would it change anyone's views? I just think all efforts should be made to have her included. 

  climbingwife said:

  
  Scribe, I would say the difference is this is an adult female that could probably pose much more danger re: bodily harm than a child. A child could most likely be more easily subdued than an adult female. 

  ^^^ This is actually the reason that I answered the way I did, and would have suggested the same for a child with autism. Not knowing the details of the aunt's disability, I thought that the wedding environment may be more likely to trigger a negative reaction/outburst. An adult woman would likely be larger and stronger than a child so could probably inflict more damage if they lashed out - this is the reason I suggested getting an aide/setting up a quiet room to allow the aunt to come.

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• SP29 member

  

  August 2017 edited August 2017

  scribe95 said:

  Out of curiosity if this was a child with autism who has violent outbursts sometimes would it change anyone's views? I just think all efforts should be made to have her included. 

  I don't think so.
  
  I agree that I'm a bit on the fence too. Aunt is family, and it's not fair to hold her disability against her, so I would try to include her, but at the same time, I agree that Dad has to be willing to make some concessions too. Aunt definitely needs someone to be responsible for her that is not Dad (as he will likely be busy), and perhaps cannot stay for the whole event.
  
  Suggesting Dad hire a care aid for your Aunt OP would be a good solution, I think. And perhaps Aunt comes to the ceremony and meal afterwards, then the aid takes her home.
  
  I would say the same as above if it were a child- someone needs to be responsible for the child, so hire an aide if the parents cannot, and the parents need to decide if staying at the entire event is appropriate or not for said child.
  

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  August 2017 edited August 2017

  Similar: I had a close family member with mental disabilities and other factors (including an affective disorder and PTSD) who was prone to violent outbursts. I refused to have them at my wedding unless (a) they started getting some of the help they needed (they hadn't been to any therapists or anything in years and things were getting worse), and/or (b) there was someone there who I trusted to take care of any issues that may arise. I was afraid for the safety of the guests who didn't know that something simple could trigger a violent reaction. 
  
  My mother didn't take my concerns seriously, and almost didn't come to my wedding as a result.
  
  Fortunately, this person started getting some help, and I was able to have another family member keep an eye on them. 
  
  I totally feel for you, @Knottie080dca31e78b58c3 - if a person is physically violent, particularly without a way for you to moderate her triggers, I wouldn't want to have them at an event I was hosting, either. 
  
  Is there anyone in the family who will take this seriously and take responsibility for her? I would try to work with them if you really want to compromise with your father.
  
  
  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  August 2017

  The aunt in question attacked OP and she feels threatened if this person is at her wedding = no brainer!!!
  
  As hard as it is, your Dad needs to make the decision for himself painful as it may be for you, he's an adult and can make his own decisions.  You are entitled to feel whatever feelings you have about this decision just as you are in feeling the way you do about your aunt.  A violent outburst caused as part of a mental condition does not mean that the victim of the attack should be purposefully putting themselves in a position to be victimized again even though the person who attacked them may not have full capacity to understand what they've done.  OP - time for a cupcake and beverage of choice (just one!) and let your Dad stand by his position as you yours as well.  It's o.k. to stand up and not be victimized by this aunt again regardless of the excuse/reason/condition.  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2017

  What an awful situation.
  
  I can see both sides of it too, but the guests' safety should take priority over "the aunt is family and she can't control herself." I'm sorry the OP's father doesn't see it that way.

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