This bothers you, so speak up.

Re: This bothers you, so speak up.

• baconsmom member

  

  September 2017

  Honestly? I think she shouldn't say anything unless they have joint finances. 
  
  Yes, it's irritating. Yes, I would want my SO to stop talking to her, too. Yes, she's probably one of those people who's always in trouble, and it's usually because of her own stupidity, not because of circumstances she's making the best of.
  
  I've known plenty of people like this. I don't get close to them, because I can't stand 'em, but I have known people who would, and dude. Those people, who support the awful ones? WILL NEVER HEAR A WORD AGAINST THEM. 
  
  So her boyfriend is just going to have to see the light in his own time. When it impacts her finances, though, she can say, "No, we aren't sending money to Dramalina. You'll have to find some other way to help her." 

  

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• banana468 member

  

  September 2017

  Have a good, level headed conversation with the BF.   Hopefully he's receptive and if not, perhaps it's time for ANOTHER kind of conversation.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  September 2017

  mrsconn23 said:

  Dear Prudence Boyfriend,

  My boyfriend isI know you are still friends with an ex, which is something that I have no problem with in theory. However, I have known himyou for three years, and we’ve been in a relationship for one and a half, and she always seems to be in some dire situation—health problems, job problems, on the verge of getting kicked out of her apartment, etc. I understand that some people have more problems than others and this may not be her fault, but it seems to me like she’s really comfortable playing the victim. When wemy boyfriend and I got together, youhe said youhe felt bad telling her about it because youhe knew she still wanted to get back together with youhim. This was two years after you he broke up with her! That made me feel uncomfortable at the time and I never spoke up because I figured you were being nice and she would "go away".  I don’t suspect that youhe havehas feelings for her, so I’m not threatened. But I do feel like she may be using yourhis guilt about breaking up with her to manipulate youhim. I know weI’m not sure what I can do about it—my partner and I are both very independent and would balk at the idea of someone forbidding us from being friends with someone. But I find this relationship troubling. Should I bring this up or keep my feelings to myself? I have been struggling with whether to bring this up but I want to be honest about how I feel and understand your feelings on this too. I haven’t actually met her in person yet (they don’t hang out very often) so I may be judging this wrong.

  —Ex a Con Artist?

  Communication.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  September 2017

  I agree with you to a point, @baconsmom. 
  
  However if Dramalina (heh) is impacting their time as a couple or plans they have made and he's deciding to drop things to go 'save' her, then I think she has a right to raise an eyebrow and ask questions. If he's spending time with her outside of his and LW's time and/or they have separate money, then I  wouldn't necessarily make an issue of it.  
  
  I need more information, I guess.  And I'm picturing Dramalina as Janice from "Friends".   

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  September 2017

  I think LW can have a discussion with BF about the ex, without also forbidding him from seeing the ex.  Next time BF says ex is going through something terrible, LW can bring it up at that point.  "Ex must be the most unlucky person, she always seems to have something bad happening.  Does she ever contact anyone else about these issues?  Do you think she is trying to use these situations to try and bring you closer to her?"  Then see how BF responds.

  Its also not clear whether Ex knows about their relationship by the letter.  BF should tell Ex about the LW ASAP if it hasn't already happened.  "BF, I know you are trying to spare your Ex, but she should know about us by now.  We have been together 1.5 years."

  

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• levioosa member

  

  September 2017

  This happened to me with an ex. His ex gf clearly wasn't over him, and she had some problems. She would have crises all the time and he would rush over.  They were definitely made up, but it took awhile for him to see it. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• Lala9414 member

  

  September 2017

  I need more info about how much time bf is spending helping ex. Like is phone calls that last hours? Is it in the middle of date nights ect. I feel like she knows she needs to bring it up calmly but doesn't know how to. If you've been with him for a year and a half and have known him for 3 years I'm assuming you both know how to be honest with each other, so just do that! Communication isn't that hard
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  September 2017

  mrsconn23 said:

  Dear Prudence,

  My boyfriend is still friends with an ex, which is something that I have no problem with in theory. However, I have known him for three years, and we’ve been in a relationship for one and a half, and she always seems to be in some dire situation—health problems, job problems, on the verge of getting kicked out of her apartment, etc. I understand that some people have more problems than others and this may not be her fault, but it seems to me like she’s really comfortable playing the victim. When my boyfriend and I got together, he said he felt bad telling her about it because he knew she still wanted to get back together with him. This was two years after he broke up with her! I don’t suspect that he has feelings for her, so I’m not threatened. But I do feel like she may be using his guilt about breaking up with her to manipulate him. I’m not sure what I can do about it—my partner and I are both very independent and would balk at the idea of someone forbidding us from being friends with someone. But I find this relationship troubling. Should I bring this up or keep my feelings to myself? I haven’t actually met her in person yet (they don’t hang out very often) so I may be judging this wrong.

  —Ex a Con Artist?

  This is one of my biggest pet peeves with people.  Unfortunately, as a landlady, I get more exposed to it now.  My first exposure to bad tenants was so THIS.  Starting in Month 3, every month was a new CALAMITY.  Oh tears and woe is me.  Why do bad things always happen to me.

  Why?  Because you're irresponsible AF and can't plan past the next 5 minutes, much less anything longer term.  Most of my tenants have been awesome, but the bad ones have EXACTLY those two things in common.  They can't think ahead and anything bad that happens to them is someone else's fault.

  In a nutshell, sometimes there are amazingly lucky things that happen to people through nothing much they do.  Like winning $10,000 on a scratch-off ticket.  Sometimes there are horrifying unlucky things that happen to people through nothing much they do.  Getting hit by a drunk driver and becoming paralyzed.

  But 95% of the time?  People make their own luck.

  And my long way back to the letter, lol.  It is a bit hard to give advice because the LW doesn't talk about HOW Dramalina is affecting their relationship.  Too much time helping Dramalina?  Too much money?  Both?

  I understand why she doesn't want to forbid the relationship.  But I would start chipping away at the b.s.  Ask the b/f to at least start weaning himself away.  Cutting convo's much shorter.  Especially if there really isn't anything wrong or anything "new" wrong.  Have him make REAL suggestions to her and stop enabling.   Oh no, she needs $200 again to make rent?  He should make suggestions on cutting her expenses and that the McD on Elm St. is hiring for a p/t job.
  

  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  September 2017

  short+sassy said:

  But 95% of the time?  People make their own luck.

  
  

  This, 100 million times.  Isn't the saying, 'life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you react to it'?  Or something like that. 
  
  You can create your own fate in many circumstances.  Also, how many times do we talk about people not having an 'in law problem' but a 'husband problem'?  
  
  So, LW potentially has a boyfriend problem.  And I would have a hard time moving forward with someone who allows anyone (family, friends, an ex) to be an anchor on their time or money. 

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