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Wedding Woes

Can we ban the phrase, "I don't want to get him in trouble"?

Dear Prudence,

We just moved into a new building that has three doormen. Two are wonderful, and the third has never once opened the door for us. I’m embarrassed that I even care about this, but I have kids and a dog and frequently stand at the door juggling multiple bags of groceries, a stroller, and a child while I search for my keys, and he’ll just stare down at his phone and not move. I’ve hesitated to say anything to management because I don’t want him to get in trouble or even fired, and I don’t want to come across as high-maintenance. (I’m really not.) He’s just lazy and doesn’t want to do his job.

I’m not willing to speak with him directly. Should I just suck it up? My inclination is to just keep sending angry texts to my husband because I’m worried management will tell him it was me who complained and then it would be super-awkward.

—Subpar Doorman

Re: Can we ban the phrase, "I don't want to get him in trouble"?

  • This person isn't doing what is part of their job. 100% say something.

    If you, me, us, anyone wasn't doing what is a huge part of their job then someone would say something. This is no different.
    short+sassy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2017
    WTH? This guy is not doing his job! I would have no problem calling management on him. So what if he loses his job! His job title is doorman, and he can't open the door because he's on his phone?!?! 

    ETA: this is a service you're paying extra for too! LW annoys me. 

    mrsconn23charlotte989875InLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • So LW wants his behavior to change but doesn't want to do either of the things that will get his behavior to change? Also it's not like management is going to fire him after one complaint; they'll either talk to him about "remembering" to open the door, or other people have already complained/he's been warned and he's still not doing it, then he'd be fired. But yeah, enough of "I don't want to get someone in trouble who is doing something wrong". 
    PrettyGirlLostshort+sassySTARMOON44OurWildKingdom
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    "I’m embarrassed that I even care about this, but I have kids and a dog and frequently stand at the door juggling multiple bags of groceries, a stroller, and a child while I search for my keys. . . "

    I mean, welcome to life. . . the life that the rest of us live daily since we don't have doormen. 

    I get that he's not doing his job, but either you want him to do his job- which means you have to say something to him or management and risk getting him in trouble, since he's not doing his job.  Or you put your shit down, like Prudie suggested, and open the door for yourself.

    I'm with Prudie and I'd go with option 1, but I find the concept of doormen awkward.  However, I think LW should get over her weirdness and talk to the doorman himself 1st about opening the door when she needs him to.  Then management since he's not doing his job.






    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    mrsconn23MesmrEweOurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens

  • Also, maybe this is me but the LW smacks of coming from the point of "Good women aren't pushy and don't offend."  She's juggling kids, a stroller, a dog and possibly groceries!?   Don't feel bad about it.   You moved to a place with a perk EXACTLY for this situation.  

    And who knows, maybe speaking to the doorman nicely with kids in tow is a good earful for the kids to learn about why they should listen to grown ups. 
    mrsconn23short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • I think it is especially galling that, yes it is this person's job, but MANY people...who aren't being paid for it...will rush over to open the door for someone who needs it.  This guy isn't even doing something a normal person would do.

    I've had people do that for me.  And I've certainly done that for others, male and female.

    As an aside, I also don't come from a world of "door people".  Except at hotels.  But I used to watch a show that followed three higher end real estate companies in NYC.  One of the firms was primarily a woman and her two daughters.

    They were looking for an apartment for the mother's good friend's daughter.  The daughter was "meh" about a building with a doorman, but her mother was insistent on it and put that bug in her realtor friend's ear.

    Oh my goodness, those ladies FREAKED OUT at this girl that "of course she needed to have a doorman!"  "A pretty single girl like her in NYC."  These ladies also have very heavy NYC accents.  I wish I could describe the way they kept pronouncing doorman.  It was an extra strong emphasis on the word "door", but even the word "door" wasn't quite pronounced like you normally hear it. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • So I disagreed with Prudie's "option 1" (get the door yourself).

    She's paying for a service and she isn't getting it. Whether it's a doorman, an Uber, food you ordered at a restaurant, or anything else.... If you paid for a service and did not receive it (whatever that may be), you should say something. LW seems to feel guilty that she even has a doorman and wants him to do his job, but she needs to get over it. It's like any other paid-for service.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    charlotte989875MesmrEwe
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So I disagreed with Prudie's "option 1" (get the door yourself).

    She's paying for a service and she isn't getting it. Whether it's a doorman, an Uber, food you ordered at a restaurant, or anything else.... If you paid for a service and did not receive it (whatever that may be), you should say something. LW seems to feel guilty that she even has a doorman and wants him to do his job, but she needs to get over it. It's like any other paid-for service.
    Yes, I agree that if you want or care so much about the service, you should take the necessary steps to get it. If I had chosen the building specifically for that service, then I definitely would. If hadn't chosen the building for that service, it was just kind of rolled into the cost of everything else, but I liked it and wanted to use it, I would say something, because I'm paying for it.

    However, if it was just "rolled in" and I didn't care about the service, then I might take Prudie's option 1, which may be where Prudie is coming from. If I don't need it and it's not why I live there, I may not care enough to do anything just because I've paid for it as part of my HOA dues. LW is definitely not in that category of people, since she's complaining. Prudie may also be saying with suggesting that option - "Look, you've said you're not willing to do the two things that will change this, so if not, quit your bitching and live as though you have no doorman."
    PrettyGirlLost
  • So I disagreed with Prudie's "option 1" (get the door yourself).

    She's paying for a service and she isn't getting it. Whether it's a doorman, an Uber, food you ordered at a restaurant, or anything else.... If you paid for a service and did not receive it (whatever that may be), you should say something. LW seems to feel guilty that she even has a doorman and wants him to do his job, but she needs to get over it. It's like any other paid-for service.

    I'm going to take a wild stab, but I wouldn't be surprised if JUST her HOA fees are 2-3x my mortgage.  Because 3 f/t people to make sure an employee is opening the door 24/7 is a large enough expense to definitely be calculated and accounted for into those fees.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    MesmrEwe
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    So I disagreed with Prudie's "option 1" (get the door yourself).

    She's paying for a service and she isn't getting it. Whether it's a doorman, an Uber, food you ordered at a restaurant, or anything else.... If you paid for a service and did not receive it (whatever that may be), you should say something. LW seems to feel guilty that she even has a doorman and wants him to do his job, but she needs to get over it. It's like any other paid-for service.
    Yes, I agree that if you want or care so much about the service, you should take the necessary steps to get it. If I had chosen the building specifically for that service, then I definitely would. If hadn't chosen the building for that service, it was just kind of rolled into the cost of everything else, but I liked it and wanted to use it, I would say something, because I'm paying for it.

    However, if it was just "rolled in" and I didn't care about the service, then I might take Prudie's option 1, which may be where Prudie is coming from. If I don't need it and it's not why I live there, I may not care enough to do anything just because I've paid for it as part of my HOA dues. LW is definitely not in that category of people, since she's complaining. Prudie may also be saying with suggesting that option - "Look, you've said you're not willing to do the two things that will change this, so if not, quit your bitching and live as though you have no doorman."
    This.  Either ask the guy to open the door or just do it your damn self when he's on shift.

    I think it is especially galling that, yes it is this person's job, but MANY people...who aren't being paid for it...will rush over to open the door for someone who needs it.  This guy isn't even doing something a normal person would do.

    I've had people do that for me.  And I've certainly done that for others, male and female.

    As an aside, I also don't come from a world of "door people".  Except at hotels.  But I used to watch a show that followed three higher end real estate companies in NYC.  One of the firms was primarily a woman and her two daughters.

    They were looking for an apartment for the mother's good friend's daughter.  The daughter was "meh" about a building with a doorman, but her mother was insistent on it and put that bug in her realtor friend's ear.

    Oh my goodness, those ladies FREAKED OUT at this girl that "of course she needed to have a doorman!"  "A pretty single girl like her in NYC."  These ladies also have very heavy NYC accents.  I wish I could describe the way they kept pronouncing doorman.  It was an extra strong emphasis on the word "door", but even the word "door" wasn't quite pronounced like you normally hear it. 

    I have a relative that is Australian and even though she's been in the country for decades upon decades, she still has an accent.  Her accent is also some weird amalgamation of an Aussie accent mixed with an NYC accent.

    We were playing charades once and she had to act out a TV series with 3 words, 2nd was a small word.  For the 1st word she kept making the "Sounds like" sign and then pointing to a door.  We could not figure out what the hell she was trying to get us to say.  Exasperated she yells at us "Law and Order! It was Law and Order!"

    "WTF? Then why were you pointing at the door for the 1st word?"

    "Because Lawhr and Dawhr rhyme!"

    So is that how they were pronouncing door, by chance? Lol!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • This.  Either ask the guy to open the door or just do it your damn self when he's on shift.

    I think it is especially galling that, yes it is this person's job, but MANY people...who aren't being paid for it...will rush over to open the door for someone who needs it.  This guy isn't even doing something a normal person would do.

    I've had people do that for me.  And I've certainly done that for others, male and female.

    As an aside, I also don't come from a world of "door people".  Except at hotels.  But I used to watch a show that followed three higher end real estate companies in NYC.  One of the firms was primarily a woman and her two daughters.

    They were looking for an apartment for the mother's good friend's daughter.  The daughter was "meh" about a building with a doorman, but her mother was insistent on it and put that bug in her realtor friend's ear.

    Oh my goodness, those ladies FREAKED OUT at this girl that "of course she needed to have a doorman!"  "A pretty single girl like her in NYC."  These ladies also have very heavy NYC accents.  I wish I could describe the way they kept pronouncing doorman.  It was an extra strong emphasis on the word "door", but even the word "door" wasn't quite pronounced like you normally hear it. 

    I have a relative that is Australian and even though she's been in the country for decades upon decades, she still has an accent.  Her accent is also some weird amalgamation of an Aussie accent mixed with an NYC accent.

    We were playing charades once and she had to act out a TV series with 3 words, 2nd was a small word.  For the 1st word she kept making the "Sounds like" sign and then pointing to a door.  We could not figure out what the hell she was trying to get us to say.  Exasperated she yells at us "Law and Order! It was Law and Order!"

    "WTF? Then why were you pointing at the door for the 1st word?"

    "Because Lawhr and Dawhr rhyme!"

    So is that how they were pronouncing door, by chance? Lol!

    "Dawhr"...not with the "a" sound...but you're onto something with the "h"!

    The "o" sound was elongated and it almost, but not quite reminded me of "dour".  I think the almost silent "h" is the sound I am looking for.

    "Wha?  You don't want a DOOHR-man?  But you definitely need a DOOHR-man."

    I know stereotype is usually a negative word, but those three ladies cracked me up!  They were walking stereotypes of NYC, especially with their accents, and that was part of their awesomeness.  They talked fast, they walked fast...even in their (always) stiletto heels, lol.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    ei34
  • This.  Either ask the guy to open the door or just do it your damn self when he's on shift.

    I think it is especially galling that, yes it is this person's job, but MANY people...who aren't being paid for it...will rush over to open the door for someone who needs it.  This guy isn't even doing something a normal person would do.

    I've had people do that for me.  And I've certainly done that for others, male and female.

    As an aside, I also don't come from a world of "door people".  Except at hotels.  But I used to watch a show that followed three higher end real estate companies in NYC.  One of the firms was primarily a woman and her two daughters.

    They were looking for an apartment for the mother's good friend's daughter.  The daughter was "meh" about a building with a doorman, but her mother was insistent on it and put that bug in her realtor friend's ear.

    Oh my goodness, those ladies FREAKED OUT at this girl that "of course she needed to have a doorman!"  "A pretty single girl like her in NYC."  These ladies also have very heavy NYC accents.  I wish I could describe the way they kept pronouncing doorman.  It was an extra strong emphasis on the word "door", but even the word "door" wasn't quite pronounced like you normally hear it. 

    I have a relative that is Australian and even though she's been in the country for decades upon decades, she still has an accent.  Her accent is also some weird amalgamation of an Aussie accent mixed with an NYC accent.

    We were playing charades once and she had to act out a TV series with 3 words, 2nd was a small word.  For the 1st word she kept making the "Sounds like" sign and then pointing to a door.  We could not figure out what the hell she was trying to get us to say.  Exasperated she yells at us "Law and Order! It was Law and Order!"

    "WTF? Then why were you pointing at the door for the 1st word?"

    "Because Lawhr and Dawhr rhyme!"

    So is that how they were pronouncing door, by chance? Lol!

    "Dawhr"...not with the "a" sound...but you're onto something with the "h"!

    The "o" sound was elongated and it almost, but not quite reminded me of "dour".  I think the almost silent "h" is the sound I am looking for.

    "Wha?  You don't want a DOOHR-man?  But you definitely need a DOOHR-man."

    I know stereotype is usually a negative word, but those three ladies cracked me up!  They were walking stereotypes of NYC, especially with their accents, and that was part of their awesomeness.  They talked fast, they walked fast...even in their (always) stiletto heels, lol.

    I know exactly how "door" sounded.  If you think it's bad in ritzy Manhattan you should hear a Queens (outer-borough) accent...most of my one syllable word sound like two syllables 

    I disagree with Prudie/PP who think LW should get the door herself.  She's paying (dearly) for a service.  I do think she should ask him directly, and if she's uncomfortable doing that, should speak with mgmt, instead of writing to Prudie to complain.

    I haven't lived in a doorman building myself, but I know several people that have/do.  Most seem to love that doormen accept packages and deliveries on behalf of residents when they're not home.  (In more suburban areas I think packages get left, but not usually in buildings.)  Its more than just having the door opened.
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • eileenrob said:
    I know exactly how "door" sounded.  If you think it's bad in ritzy Manhattan you should hear a Queens (outer-borough) accent...most of my one syllable word sound like two syllables 

    I disagree with Prudie/PP who think LW should get the door herself.  She's paying (dearly) for a service.  I do think she should ask him directly, and if she's uncomfortable doing that, should speak with mgmt, instead of writing to Prudie to complain.

    I haven't lived in a doorman building myself, but I know several people that have/do.  Most seem to love that doormen accept packages and deliveries on behalf of residents when they're not home.  (In more suburban areas I think packages get left, but not usually in buildings.)  Its more than just having the door opened.

    My H and I have talked about that, the next time we go to NYC, we want to go check out some of the other boroughs.  I've only gone twice and my first trip was just an overnighter.  So, I've really only been in Manhattan.  Other than we spent an afternoon in Brooklyn on our last trip.

    I know it is totally different to be on vacation.  Trust me, I know.  But I just love it there and can't say enough.  So much to do, I've barely scratched the surface.  I like the people.  I like the vibe and the pace.  Don't even get me started on the food, lol.

    I even think the subway system is just an amazing wonder of efficiency and engineering.  I was jealous of the transit systems in Boston and Chicago also.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    ei34
  • eileenrob said:
    I know exactly how "door" sounded.  If you think it's bad in ritzy Manhattan you should hear a Queens (outer-borough) accent...most of my one syllable word sound like two syllables 

    I disagree with Prudie/PP who think LW should get the door herself.  She's paying (dearly) for a service.  I do think she should ask him directly, and if she's uncomfortable doing that, should speak with mgmt, instead of writing to Prudie to complain.

    I haven't lived in a doorman building myself, but I know several people that have/do.  Most seem to love that doormen accept packages and deliveries on behalf of residents when they're not home.  (In more suburban areas I think packages get left, but not usually in buildings.)  Its more than just having the door opened.

    My H and I have talked about that, the next time we go to NYC, we want to go check out some of the other boroughs.  I've only gone twice and my first trip was just an overnighter.  So, I've really only been in Manhattan.  Other than we spent an afternoon in Brooklyn on our last trip.

    I know it is totally different to be on vacation.  Trust me, I know.  But I just love it there and can't say enough.  So much to do, I've barely scratched the surface.  I like the people.  I like the vibe and the pace.  Don't even get me started on the food, lol.

    I even think the subway system is just an amazing wonder of efficiency and engineering.  I was jealous of the transit systems in Boston and Chicago also.

    It makes sense to have spent most of your time in Manhattan!  It's a great place there's tons to see!  I play tourist there too sometimes :)
    I've actually always wanted to visit New Orleans (N'awlins?) among other cities around the country.
    short+sassy
  • eileenrob said:

    My H and I have talked about that, the next time we go to NYC, we want to go check out some of the other boroughs.  I've only gone twice and my first trip was just an overnighter.  So, I've really only been in Manhattan.  Other than we spent an afternoon in Brooklyn on our last trip.

    I know it is totally different to be on vacation.  Trust me, I know.  But I just love it there and can't say enough.  So much to do, I've barely scratched the surface.  I like the people.  I like the vibe and the pace.  Don't even get me started on the food, lol.

    I even think the subway system is just an amazing wonder of efficiency and engineering.  I was jealous of the transit systems in Boston and Chicago also.

    It makes sense to have spent most of your time in Manhattan!  It's a great place there's tons to see!  I play tourist there too sometimes :)
    I've actually always wanted to visit New Orleans (N'awlins?) among other cities around the country.

    New Orleans is a great place to visit!  Not nearly as great to live here, lol.  But it has its pluses, like anywhere else.  R/T direct flights from LaGuardia for $200 on Jet Blue ;).

    People who live here pronounce it New Orlins.  With an "in" sound.  N'awlins is considered acceptable also.  Just don't pronounce it...ummm...the way it actually looks like it should be pronounced, lol.  Like the word "lean".

    We understand when tourists mispronounce the name.  But people here hugely side-eye and get fired up when newscasters and public figures mispronounce the name.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    ei34
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