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elopement/personal loan/thoughts & creative solutions

Knottie1463668988Knottie1463668988 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Hi All, 

My fiance and have been engaged a year this month. We initially planned our wedding for Oct 2017 but due to a number of reasons (him getting out of Navy, finding work, him not really helping to save and pay for it since we are doing this on our own without family assistance, me searching for a better paying job, and us just transitioning together and being together). We did not have a real date set for the following year but the idea was sometime in 2018. We have been considering an intimate elopement in NC with just our family cutting down our already small guest list in half or more. In the process of visiting the NC area we had a car accident and he totaled his car. So we just keep coming up on financial difficulties. We have been trying to figure out how to do this besides waiting till we have the money - personal loan, credit cards, etc. 

Any ideas or creative solutions? 

I am aware just waiting till it is a better time financially to get married is a solution to all of this stress...but at the same time i just wonder if there will be a good time to do this. I don't want to be in an engagement for years and I don't ant to go to justice of the peace ...i want some acknowledgement with my family in public. He has been married once so even though he says it is just as important to him as it is to me i just feel it is a struggle constantly. I guess my main concern is I will have to constantly push and bring up wedding planning in the middle of all these little issues...that I will have to ride him to make it happen. there are moments where it has taken the happiness and romance from planning. 
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Re: elopement/personal loan/thoughts & creative solutions

  • Knottie1463668988Knottie1463668988 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    charlotte989875 said:
    Knottie1463668988 said:
    Hi All, 

    My fiance and have been engaged a year this month. We initially planned our wedding for Oct 2017 but due to a number of reasons (him getting out of Navy, finding work, him not really helping to save and pay for it since we are doing this on our own without family assistance, me searching for a better paying job, and us just transitioning together and being together). We did not have a real date set for the following year but the idea was sometime in 2018. We have been considering an intimate elopement in NC with just our family cutting down our already small guest list in half or more. In the process of visiting the NC area we had a car accident and he totaled his car. So we just keep coming up on financial difficulties. We have been trying to figure out how to do this besides waiting till we have the money - personal loan, credit cards, etc. 

    Any ideas or creative solutions? 

    I am aware just waiting till it is a better time financially to get married is a solution to all of this stress...but at the same time i just wonder if there will be a good time to do this. I don't want to be in an engagement for years and I don't ant to go to justice of the peace ...i want some acknowledgement with my family in public. He has been married once so even though he says it is just as important to him as it is to me i just feel it is a struggle constantly. I guess my main concern is I will have to constantly push and bring up wedding planning in the middle of all these little issues...that I will have to ride him to make it happen. there are moments where it has taken the happiness and romance from planning. 
    That really sucks about the car accident, will insurance cover any of it? 

    What about a backyard/at home wedding? Doesn't have to be anything elaborate, but close friends and family, good food (easy catering for just a few people), drinks and fun. It's still "public" and meaningful but definitely shouldn't break the bank. 

    On the "happiness and romance" of planning; I think this is a myth created by the wedding industry to make you feel like you need a ton of stuff that you don't actually need. Planning is practical; its budgets, logistics, making decisions about what you want/need/can afford/actually want to spend you money on. At least for me planning wasn't magical or special, it was practical and necessary. 
    backyard wedding was something we looked at before we got to the elopement part...my parents will get too involved forcing more components to the event and making it more expensive and they can't help either. Also, after these hurricanes I am not sure the condtion of the backyard can be brought up to speed to be nice looking again. 

    the insurance will cover all but 4k of the auto loan - he still has to see if he can get another car and if that can be tacked onto the back of another car loan. he also has a large fee to transfer title and registration from our of state, about 1600. 

    Thank you for responding and sharing your experience with me. I do appreciate it. lately it feels like I am trapped in my head!
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  • Knottie1463668988Knottie1463668988 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    STARMOON44 said:
    He's not helping to save or pay for it? Break up. He doesn't care about getting married, you do. At the very least, stop planning a wedding. Wait and see what happens. Don't take out a personal loan to plan a wedding with someone not interested in contributing. 
    Thank you. I have this nagging feeling that he is fine remaining in the position we are in now...or its ending. :(
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    A loan to pay for something that will not retain value or provide a return is not a good investment. A wedding/party does not fall into those categories so I would highly recommend NOT taking out a loan or charging anything to your credit card which you cannot pay off within the month.

    That said, it sounds like you need to sit down with your FI and talk about 1) how you plan to pay for this wedding (is it 50/50 you and him, or what) and 2) what is the budget/what can you afford. After you have that conversation, you can start planning.

    It sounds like you're fine with a small, family celebration. So I would plan to do a small JOP ceremony and then take your family out to lunch/dinner. You should be able to find a local restaurant that has a private room. Ask if you can bring in your own cake (most are fine with this) and get a cute cake from a local bakery. I'm willing to bet you could pull this off for $500, depending on the number of people you invite. 
    *********************************************************************************

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You don't want justice of the peace, so look at Oct 2018
    It gives more time to plan and save.

    Figure out what can be done on a budget/cheap {DIY anything helps} and there you can cut costs.
    When talking to a venue, write out what prices of things are. Our venue talked about chair covers and we opted out of that because it was more of aesthetic thing that we didn't actually care about.


    Also maybe have a discussion about planning and your relationship. It's not fair you should be doing everything and he isn't doing anything.
    I mean there may be things he's genuinely doesn't care about {centerpieces for example} but even then, he should help out with something to do with it.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2017
    Knottie1463668988 said:
    Hi All, 

    My fiance and have been engaged a year this month. We initially planned our wedding for Oct 2017 but due to a number of reasons (him getting out of Navy, finding work, him not really helping to save and pay for it since we are doing this on our own without family assistance, me searching for a better paying job, and us just transitioning together and being together). We did not have a real date set for the following year but the idea was sometime in 2018. We have been considering an intimate elopement in NC with just our family cutting down our already small guest list in half or more. In the process of visiting the NC area we had a car accident and he totaled his car. So we just keep coming up on financial difficulties. We have been trying to figure out how to do this besides waiting till we have the money - personal loan, credit cards, etc. 

    Any ideas or creative solutions? 

    I am aware just waiting till it is a better time financially to get married is a solution to all of this stress...but at the same time i just wonder if there will be a good time to do this. I don't want to be in an engagement for years and I don't ant to go to justice of the peace ...i want some acknowledgement with my family in public. He has been married once so even though he says it is just as important to him as it is to me i just feel it is a struggle constantly. I guess my main concern is I will have to constantly push and bring up wedding planning in the middle of all these little issues...that I will have to ride him to make it happen. there are moments where it has taken the happiness and romance from planning. 
    1.  Take the word "elopement" out of your vocabulary.  An elopement means that the two of you get a license and jump in the car and go get married by yourselves.  No guests.  No family.

    2.  A small backyard wedding with immediate family costs very little, and is more traditional than today's huge. expensive weddings.  If you can't afford this, then maybe you really can't afford to get married.  My sister was married in a city park in a borrowed dress and veil. (Nobody knew or cared.)  Cakes can be homemade or bought from grocery stores, and they do not have to be elaborate, expensive tiered creations.

    3.  A DESTINATION WEDDING, regardless of size,  in NC is much more expensive.  Why would you even want this?

    4. Why are you planning a wedding to marry someone who does not seem to be enthusiastic about marrying you?  You deserve better.  (I've been there, and I found better!  His car was more important to him than I was.)
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • Lala9414Lala9414 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    First off, I'm really sorry you're going through such a stressful time! I hope financially things get much better for you and you can catch a break. I'm in the same boat so I understand being so stressed but the solution my FI and I came up with was to just wait till 2019. I know it seems super far away but it gives us breathing room! We have time to pay off an auto loan and save up for the wedding plus other things that have come up. Maybe you guys could do this.

    But before you even have a convo of a 2019 wedding, you need to have a real heart to heart with your FI about him helping. I don't understand why your stressing yourself out over money for a wedding when he is not, I would be stressing on why he won't contribute! There's a more important conversation you need to be having 
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Please do not take out a loan or max out your credit cards to pay for a wedding! It is just one day, and as said, it is not an investment or a necessity.

    There are lots of ways to have a less expensive wedding. With a JOP, you can potentially have a ceremony anywhere (park, restaurant, art gallery, civil chapel), and then take your guests out for a meal at a local restaurant (brunch or lunch would be cheaper).

    There is nothing wrong with a long engagement, and it sounds like the two of you have had a lot going on in the past year, but it does bring up a red flag that your FI is not engaging or participating in saving up for the wedding- or at the very least making a plan for it (i.e. once the car issue is dealt with).
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    i think the two of you need to see an objective 3rd party (counselor) and speak with a money management professional. 

    taking out a personal loan or loading up on credit card debt just to have some sort of party is not a smart investment. what happens when the next emergency comes along, and you need to pay unexpected medical bills, auto bills, etc.? What happens if you get pregnant, a family member becomes ill, or you would have damage to your home/property from a natural disaster? How do you plan to pay for basic necessities - housing, food, clothing, etc.? It sounds like you're already struggling some for the basics and were not equipped for an emergency. You should be worried about covering basics, paying off the bills from the accident, and setting up an emergency fund with a minimum of 2-3months of income before you plan a wedding. 

    before you even think about getting married, the two of you need to get on the same page. learn to set goals as a couple, make a budget, and work on basic communication skills  if you can't do these things - cancel the wedding before you book anything. it will be a lot cheaper than a divorce in a few years.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Instead of spending money on a wedding right now - put it in to premarital counseling.  Even if you're not getting married in a church, many churches open this up to couples planning to get married as many states offer a discount on the cost of the marriage license for couples who attend some form of premarital counseling as it cuts down on couples getting married who aren't ready and reduces the divorce rates for things one would think a couple getting married would have discussed before getting married that are deal breaker issues (i.e. kids, finances, home ownership, sex, "rules of engagement"((how one likes to argue)), etc.).  Or, there are Marriage & Family Counselors who offer this as a package service (NOT expensive at all!)..  This is just good practice and something recommended for all couples even those with "perfect" relationships!  

    There's a priorities/values that is off.  Not saying it's a deal breaker, but it's something that you two need to get the lines of communication opened up on.  Do not complicate the wedding plans, reserve the breakfast room at your local hotel, have some pizzas/local restaurant/Chinese/hotel cater in the food, and you can do an event for 50 with all the perks for less than $1500 if you watch your pennies.  Have the event all in the same room, 4-hours, skip the DJ, go with the "budget meal" (all event centers offer the "budget meal" because they want to attract the meetings market that doesn't want to pay $50+/pp)..  As the sayings go...  "You only need three things to get married 1) A person willing to marry you. 2) An officiant/witness.  3) A license..  The rest is all gravy and window dressing!"...  AND...  "Weddings and funerals often use many of the same vendors but are planned in around three days.  Priorities and keeping your expectations in check!" (i.e. you call the florist and say "Budget and flowers for (event)", you call the officiant "what day/time works", caterer "food, x people, y budget".. baker "cake - serve x people with y budget"...)
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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Ok, there was really no "happiness" or "romance" in my wedding planning. We kept putting it off and putting it off and it took my mom kicking me and my now H in the butt (literally her buying a planner binder and sitting down with us and saying "cake, here's some options, what you want? Here are pics of flowers, which ones? Here's some decor options, here's where we can rent an arch, does that sound good?") She did 75% of the planning, and I am so grateful for her!

    There are a lot of ways to have an inexpensive wedding. Read some threads in the budget board. 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Oh, I missed that one!  Happiness and romance?  My wedding planning was PURE HELL.  My marriage, far away from family, is just fine. 
    Don't have unrealistic expectations about wedding planning.  It sounds like you have been watching wedding porn TV, like SYTTD.  Most brides report to us that their wedding planning is very stressful.  That is partly why we are here to try and help them through it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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