Wedding Woes

It's not about the guitar, really...

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend is really into playing guitar. A lot. He’s good at it and gets a little income that way, alongside some (pretty unstable) manual labor. He’s trying hard to make it work professionally, which I’m trying equally hard to support. The thing is that there’s a little voice in me that’s unconvinced. I know how that sounds, but it’s a tough industry! And we’re in our mid-30s and totally broke. Also not helping is that when he’s in the “creative zone” (which can last for weeks), he gets stressed and short-tempered with me. He’s not the biggest talker at the best of times, but during zone-time I’m either invisible or an annoyance. When I’ve tried to bring this up in the past, we just end up fighting. Am I being a jerk here? I mean, I can be snappy too when I’m stressed. But part of me really wants to tell him to grow up!

–Fretting

Re: It's not about the guitar, really...

  • BIL wanted to be a pilot. He has a pilot's license and everything, which he still keeps up. Except, when he graduated from school with an aviation minor and a pilot's license, no one was hiring pilots.

    He worked in operations at an airport for a couple years to stay in the industry, but then when he and his wife were going to have their first kid, he took a job that actually paid well and moved near a support system. Still gets to fly from time to time. 

    Really didn't like that job. After about a year, he found another field that he could like and would still support the family. Not the dream, but enjoyable enough, works well with his talents, and realistic enough to support the people he cares about. Still gets to fly from time to time.

    Like this and the other guy with the fantasies - the dream should not be everything. Or if it is, understand that your relationships are likely to fall apart.
  • Just because he has a talent doesn't give him carte blanche to be an ass. Everyone has stress in the lives; work stress, creative work zone stress, financial stress, childcare stress, whatever. Doesn't mean he gets to act without consequences which is what this sounds like. Have a real chat about acting like an adult or move on. 
  • One of our office services guy is a very talented drummer.  He has played many jobs in Atlantic City with big named talent.  He has even played on other people's albums.  But he is a free lance talent and he comes to our office 5 days a week to make copies, move boxes, and other things like that because he has a family that needs a steady income.

    I haven't read all of the other Prudie letters yet, but this seems like the 4 men problem of the week.  LW needs to leave and find someone who makes her happy all the time.

  • banana468 said:
    This reminds me a bit of Sex and the City when Carrie interrupted Alexander while he was working and he shut her down because the artwork was more important than meeting her friends.

    I'd start to distance myself from someone like this.   If he's not being realistic about his current situation then I'd have to move on to be with a grown up. 
    See, I saw that episode and thought Carrie was totally wrong. But then, if someone interrupts my writing, I'm not inclined to be kind to them, either. I don't go to their jobs and demand their attention while they're working. 

    To the LW, yeah, she should dump him. I have a day job. I have almost always had a day job. It's what creatives do to pay the bills. Grow up and show up to work, dude. 
    image
  • baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    This reminds me a bit of Sex and the City when Carrie interrupted Alexander while he was working and he shut her down because the artwork was more important than meeting her friends.

    I'd start to distance myself from someone like this.   If he's not being realistic about his current situation then I'd have to move on to be with a grown up. 
    See, I saw that episode and thought Carrie was totally wrong. But then, if someone interrupts my writing, I'm not inclined to be kind to them, either. I don't go to their jobs and demand their attention while they're working. 

    To the LW, yeah, she should dump him. I have a day job. I have almost always had a day job. It's what creatives do to pay the bills. Grow up and show up to work, dude. 
    I think they were both wrong. He told her he would be working all night; to me that means don't stop in I'm in the middle of something. She shouldn't have stopped, be he couldn't have been less of an ass. 

    But that also doesn't get to happen for weeks on end. If you've decided to be in a relationship with another person you don't get to constantly be selfish for the sake of work. 
    I felt Alexander was kind of a dick in general .... so that kinda just added to it. And he back-hand smacked her.
    Then begged her to come to his show when she had plans with fans. Urg ....
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2017
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    This reminds me a bit of Sex and the City when Carrie interrupted Alexander while he was working and he shut her down because the artwork was more important than meeting her friends.

    I'd start to distance myself from someone like this.   If he's not being realistic about his current situation then I'd have to move on to be with a grown up. 
    See, I saw that episode and thought Carrie was totally wrong. But then, if someone interrupts my writing, I'm not inclined to be kind to them, either. I don't go to their jobs and demand their attention while they're working. 

    To the LW, yeah, she should dump him. I have a day job. I have almost always had a day job. It's what creatives do to pay the bills. Grow up and show up to work, dude. 
    I think they were both wrong. He told her he would be working all night; to me that means don't stop in I'm in the middle of something. She shouldn't have stopped, be he couldn't have been less of an ass. 

    But that also doesn't get to happen for weeks on end. If you've decided to be in a relationship with another person you don't get to constantly be selfish for the sake of work. 
    I felt Alexander was kind of a dick in general .... so that kinda just added to it. And he back-hand smacked her.
    Then begged her to come to his show when she had plans with fans. Urg ....
    They were both terribly self-centered and that relationship brought out their worst qualities.  Remember when she was talking to him about Samantha's cancer and he tried to empathize with her about his friend who passed away from cancer and Carrie was so fucking wrapped around the axle about the fact that he talked about his friend dying that she shut him down from talking about it at all (like yelled at him for talking about his dead friend) and gave him the silent treatment the entire episode?  I cannot believe he continued the relationship after that.  She acted like such a fucking child that it made me uncomfortable to watch it.  

    ETA: And during that episode, she had a mouse in her apartment that she called to come over and handle in the middle of the night, all while they were mid-fight/silent treatment. 
  • baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    This reminds me a bit of Sex and the City when Carrie interrupted Alexander while he was working and he shut her down because the artwork was more important than meeting her friends.

    I'd start to distance myself from someone like this.   If he's not being realistic about his current situation then I'd have to move on to be with a grown up. 
    See, I saw that episode and thought Carrie was totally wrong. But then, if someone interrupts my writing, I'm not inclined to be kind to them, either. I don't go to their jobs and demand their attention while they're working. 

    To the LW, yeah, she should dump him. I have a day job. I have almost always had a day job. It's what creatives do to pay the bills. Grow up and show up to work, dude. 
    I think they were both wrong. He told her he would be working all night; to me that means don't stop in I'm in the middle of something. She shouldn't have stopped, be he couldn't have been less of an ass. 

    But that also doesn't get to happen for weeks on end. If you've decided to be in a relationship with another person you don't get to constantly be selfish for the sake of work. 
    I felt Alexander was kind of a dick in general .... so that kinda just added to it. And he back-hand smacked her.
    Then begged her to come to his show when she had plans with fans. Urg ....
    I think he was wrong to cancel and she was wrong to show up.  

    BUUUT the one thing I'll say is that at least he was working for a contracted job.  He had a deadline but his work AAAAAAAAALWAYS came first. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    This reminds me a bit of Sex and the City when Carrie interrupted Alexander while he was working and he shut her down because the artwork was more important than meeting her friends.

    I'd start to distance myself from someone like this.   If he's not being realistic about his current situation then I'd have to move on to be with a grown up. 
    See, I saw that episode and thought Carrie was totally wrong. But then, if someone interrupts my writing, I'm not inclined to be kind to them, either. I don't go to their jobs and demand their attention while they're working. 

    To the LW, yeah, she should dump him. I have a day job. I have almost always had a day job. It's what creatives do to pay the bills. Grow up and show up to work, dude. 
    I think they were both wrong. He told her he would be working all night; to me that means don't stop in I'm in the middle of something. She shouldn't have stopped, be he couldn't have been less of an ass. 

    But that also doesn't get to happen for weeks on end. If you've decided to be in a relationship with another person you don't get to constantly be selfish for the sake of work. 
    I felt Alexander was kind of a dick in general .... so that kinda just added to it. And he back-hand smacked her.
    Then begged her to come to his show when she had plans with fans. Urg ....
    They were both terribly self-centered and that relationship brought out their worst qualities.  Remember when she was talking to him about Samantha's cancer and he tried to empathize with her about his friend who passed away from cancer and Carrie was so fucking wrapped around the axle about the fact that he talked about his friend dying that she shut him down from talking about it at all (like yelled at him for talking about his dead friend) and gave him the silent treatment the entire episode?  I cannot believe he continued the relationship after that.  She acted like such a fucking child that it made me uncomfortable to watch it.  

    ETA: And during that episode, she had a mouse in her apartment that she called to come over and handle in the middle of the night, all while they were mid-fight/silent treatment. 
    Arguably, I saw Carrie's point in that part. I didn't agree with how it was handled, but she didn't want to hear something bad. She wanted to hear her friend would fight and survive. He used a bad way to empathize.
  • I second *Barbie* and say this match just isn't meant to be. I have a friend who works incredibly hard in her field so her boyfriend (of like 20 years) can do his music/ art thing. She does so joyously and is over the moon in love with everything he does. Sure she grips about him being messy or other normal stuff but as far as him needing to do something else, no way. (They are in their 60s btw)
  • mrsconn23 said:
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    This reminds me a bit of Sex and the City when Carrie interrupted Alexander while he was working and he shut her down because the artwork was more important than meeting her friends.

    I'd start to distance myself from someone like this.   If he's not being realistic about his current situation then I'd have to move on to be with a grown up. 
    See, I saw that episode and thought Carrie was totally wrong. But then, if someone interrupts my writing, I'm not inclined to be kind to them, either. I don't go to their jobs and demand their attention while they're working. 

    To the LW, yeah, she should dump him. I have a day job. I have almost always had a day job. It's what creatives do to pay the bills. Grow up and show up to work, dude. 
    I think they were both wrong. He told her he would be working all night; to me that means don't stop in I'm in the middle of something. She shouldn't have stopped, be he couldn't have been less of an ass. 

    But that also doesn't get to happen for weeks on end. If you've decided to be in a relationship with another person you don't get to constantly be selfish for the sake of work. 
    I felt Alexander was kind of a dick in general .... so that kinda just added to it. And he back-hand smacked her.
    Then begged her to come to his show when she had plans with fans. Urg ....
    They were both terribly self-centered and that relationship brought out their worst qualities.  Remember when she was talking to him about Samantha's cancer and he tried to empathize with her about his friend who passed away from cancer and Carrie was so fucking wrapped around the axle about the fact that he talked about his friend dying that she shut him down from talking about it at all (like yelled at him for talking about his dead friend) and gave him the silent treatment the entire episode?  I cannot believe he continued the relationship after that.  She acted like such a fucking child that it made me uncomfortable to watch it.  

    ETA: And during that episode, she had a mouse in her apartment that she called to come over and handle in the middle of the night, all while they were mid-fight/silent treatment. 
    Arguably, I saw Carrie's point in that part. I didn't agree with how it was handled, but she didn't want to hear something bad. She wanted to hear her friend would fight and survive. He used a bad way to empathize.
    Maybe he shouldn't have pushed it after she told him she didn't want to hear it. But, she essentially shouted him down and stuck her fingers in her ears because she 'didn't want to hear it'.  That is childish behavior.  

    However, all the shit that happened in Paris was totally his fault.  He brought her there and then only wanted to take her out when it was convenient for him. She had to wander around a city where she knew no one and didn't know the language.  He set up lunch with his ex-wife, but that was super awkward.  Also, the night he took her to the club with his friends and they all spoke in French and left her out.  And his completely insufferable daughter was the worst.  He fucked her over with moving her to France.  I'm just glad she did one thing right and kept her NYC apartment. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    This reminds me a bit of Sex and the City when Carrie interrupted Alexander while he was working and he shut her down because the artwork was more important than meeting her friends.

    I'd start to distance myself from someone like this.   If he's not being realistic about his current situation then I'd have to move on to be with a grown up. 
    See, I saw that episode and thought Carrie was totally wrong. But then, if someone interrupts my writing, I'm not inclined to be kind to them, either. I don't go to their jobs and demand their attention while they're working. 

    To the LW, yeah, she should dump him. I have a day job. I have almost always had a day job. It's what creatives do to pay the bills. Grow up and show up to work, dude. 
    I think they were both wrong. He told her he would be working all night; to me that means don't stop in I'm in the middle of something. She shouldn't have stopped, be he couldn't have been less of an ass. 

    But that also doesn't get to happen for weeks on end. If you've decided to be in a relationship with another person you don't get to constantly be selfish for the sake of work. 
    I felt Alexander was kind of a dick in general .... so that kinda just added to it. And he back-hand smacked her.
    Then begged her to come to his show when she had plans with fans. Urg ....
    They were both terribly self-centered and that relationship brought out their worst qualities.  Remember when she was talking to him about Samantha's cancer and he tried to empathize with her about his friend who passed away from cancer and Carrie was so fucking wrapped around the axle about the fact that he talked about his friend dying that she shut him down from talking about it at all (like yelled at him for talking about his dead friend) and gave him the silent treatment the entire episode?  I cannot believe he continued the relationship after that.  She acted like such a fucking child that it made me uncomfortable to watch it.  

    ETA: And during that episode, she had a mouse in her apartment that she called to come over and handle in the middle of the night, all while they were mid-fight/silent treatment. 
    Arguably, I saw Carrie's point in that part. I didn't agree with how it was handled, but she didn't want to hear something bad. She wanted to hear her friend would fight and survive. He used a bad way to empathize.
    Maybe he shouldn't have pushed it after she told him she didn't want to hear it. But, she essentially shouted him down and stuck her fingers in her ears because she 'didn't want to hear it'.  That is childish behavior.  

    However, all the shit that happened in Paris was totally his fault.  He brought her there and then only wanted to take her out when it was convenient for him. She had to wander around a city where she knew no one and didn't know the language.  He set up lunch with his ex-wife, but that was super awkward.  Also, the night he took her to the club with his friends and they all spoke in French and left her out.  And his completely insufferable daughter was the worst.  He fucked her over with moving her to France.  I'm just glad she did one thing right and kept her NYC apartment. 
    Urg he was an insufferable jerk. I'm glad her friends convinced Big to go get her. She shouldn't have gone.

    Paris, yes a dream but is the dream still there if you're not happy?
  • *Barbie* said:
    I watched all of Sex and the City - episodes and movies - multiple times, and I never liked Carrie. Most of the time, I wanted to shake her and yell, "you're an adult! get your shit together! stop making stupid decisions!" she was never a good fit with Aleksander. 
    Now that I'm older, I'm definitely more critical of the series.  But I don't love it any less because of the time in my life when I discovered it.  And yes, every time someone yells at Carrie that she's got to learn to essentially 'adult', they're telling the truth.  ;) 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    *Barbie* said:
    I watched all of Sex and the City - episodes and movies - multiple times, and I never liked Carrie. Most of the time, I wanted to shake her and yell, "you're an adult! get your shit together! stop making stupid decisions!" she was never a good fit with Aleksander. 
    Now that I'm older, I'm definitely more critical of the series.  But I don't love it any less because of the time in my life when I discovered it.  And yes, every time someone yells at Carrie that she's got to learn to essentially 'adult', they're telling the truth.  ;) 
    This is exactly how I feel. I still love it, it reminds me of living in the city but I definitely am more critical of things that happen. And I do have to say I love Miranda even more now. 



  • I think what always annoyed me with Carrie was that despite being like half of her age when I started watching the show, I felt like I had my shit together moreso than she did.
  • *Barbie* said:
    I think what always annoyed me with Carrie was that despite being like half of her age when I started watching the show, I felt like I had my shit together moreso than she did.
    Like that she has $40,000 worth of shoes and no savings account?
  • mrsconn23 said:
    *Barbie* said:
    I watched all of Sex and the City - episodes and movies - multiple times, and I never liked Carrie. Most of the time, I wanted to shake her and yell, "you're an adult! get your shit together! stop making stupid decisions!" she was never a good fit with Aleksander. 
    Now that I'm older, I'm definitely more critical of the series.  But I don't love it any less because of the time in my life when I discovered it.  And yes, every time someone yells at Carrie that she's got to learn to essentially 'adult', they're telling the truth.  ;) 
    Same!!
    I do still adore her closet/shoes <3
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