Just because you don't understand doesn't mean it's weird or wrong.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve known my friend “B” for around five years. We met as students and had a wonderful companionship through school and still remain close. The only problem is her escalating interest in the cast of a television show, particularly one male actor. It began with a minor interest in the show while we were students. She was going through a rough time personally and began watching; over the years, she has become so obsessed with one of the lead actors that she now spends thousands of dollars to go to conventions across the country, attends related events, and generally finds reasons to be in his neighborhood. They have “coincidentally” met several times, and he was rude to her on multiple occasions. This is only a fraction of what B has done to research, stalk, and meet this actor, who is twice her age. He now recognizes her.
I’ve never spoken to her about how I feel although the whole thing creeps me out. Now she has a group of friends that she met online, and they are all intensely involved in the “fandom,” too. When I have met them, they only discussed said actor, who most recently saw him, and what’s happening in their online community. Many of her pre-fandom friends are ghosting her, including her closest friend from childhood, and I’m considering doing the same. Others have told B that her behavior is odd, and she has responded with anger. Should I tell her that this is why her other friends have stopped speaking to her? (She is completely unaware of the reason they dropped out of her life.) Or should I avoid the confrontation and fade out as well?
—Caught Up in Fandom
Re: Just because you don't understand doesn't mean it's weird or wrong.
She's gone over the line from fandom into the stalking territory. I wouldn't care if someone spent thousands of dollars to be into any kind of hobby but when it also involves inserting yourself into someone's life without their consent you're crossing a line.
If it's something you don't want to deal with, you don't have to be friends with her. On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like it's affecting you, and therefore there's nothing to deal with. She hasn't dragged you into the stalking. You're just weirded out by what she does with her other time. That sounds like a personal problem. If she can't talk about anything else, and you're not interested, try changing the subject and if that doesn't work then stop hanging out with her.
Anyone else really want to know who the celebrity is??
I do!
But the LW is talking about "years" of watching the show (inferring it's the same show) and an older actor. So I'm thinking a soap opera which, alas, I know nothing about to even make a guess.
My older actor crush is Scott Bakula. But I refrain from stalking him, lol. Hmmmm...even though he does come to NOLA sometimes to shoot on location for NCIS: New Orleans.
The LW doesn't really give details as to HOW this obsession is affecting the friendship, though one can make some good guesses. If he/she is at a "make it or break it" point, I guess it wouldn't hurt to say something and then attempt redirecting conversations. But it sounds like none of that will help and other friends have already tried.
I'd personally let the friendship dissolve, but honestly, before that I'd express concern to her and tell her to seek out a therapist.
I'm obviously much more curious about the star than the friendship issue. Classic growing apart. Supertight in HS/college/grad school and not now. Sounds like a lot of us. If I were LW I'd give one final "stalking is illegal" warning and then I'd just phase out.
So thinking of shows that have been on for years and does conventions. It has to be sci-fi or fantasy related. I'm thinking Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Agents of Shield, or Supernatural. I was also thinking Vampire Diaries or Lost, but they have both ended. If they met in school - around 18, 5 years later is 23. Its entirely possible that it is a 40 something person, she is obsessed with. There are lots of 40-somethings on those shows.
I think LW should address the stalking portion of the fandom because it has transferred from slightly obsessed to stalking. Then I think LW can go her own way away from crazy friend.
I work in a town that is full of old Victorian homes and most of the town is money. Many sports stars from Philly have homes in this town. I could tell you where some of them live or lived. But even with my most favorite - Chase Utley - having a house a 20 minute walk from my office, I have never gone there to see if he is home. If my route naturally takes me past his house, I look to see if he is outside, but I also often forget to keep an eye out for it too!
Friend's stalker behavior toward this actor is definitely disturbing, but unfortunately, I suspect she'll have to get herself into a bad situation before she'll stop, and maybe not even then. Talking to her about it probably won't accomplish anything. Personally, I don't understand why she'd continue to obsess over an actor who's been rude to her multiple times, but that's a whole other problem!