Wedding Woes

Why did he have to tell her *now*? (Also, I think he's lying.)

Dear Prudence,

I can’t tell if I’m hanging onto a grudge, overly insecure, or justified: Recently, my husband confessed to having an emotional affair with a young woman who worked with him. It happened 10 years ago. We were, I thought, happily married when they became close. He tried to kiss her, and she rebuffed him. They continued working together and he felt she “understood” him while he was feeling lost; six months later they briefly made out, then pulled back physically, but continued to have a “special, close” relationship until they stopped working together several years later. He claims that he always loved me, they never had any kind of sex, and anyway, I wasn’t meeting his needs at the time. He’s apologized profusely since telling me, and I believe that he’s sorry. I know he loves me and I love him. So I should be able to let go of this, right? After all, it wasn’t a very physical affair and it didn’t involve sex. But I can’t seem to let go of it.

—Long Ago and Far Away

Re: Why did he have to tell her *now*? (Also, I think he's lying.)

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    yeah I hate the line "it wasn't a VERY physical affair and it didn't involve sex".  Emotional affairs hurt worse so don't pass it off as nothing LW! Agreed with @charlotte989875, why is he coming clean now?

    charlotte989875short+sassySP29
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Leave. He’s prob confessing now because he’s cheating again. 
    This was exactly my thought too. To all of a sudden confess after 10 years - something is up. 

  • I don't think her feelings are unjustified no matter when this happened vs. when she found out.

    It seems odd to me that he's telling after 10 years and I wonder why.  Is it just guilt? Are they repeating a pattern in their marriage now, that happened 10 years ago?  Was he reaching out to his wife at the time?  Did she know he was dissatisfied, etc?  Was something happening with her that has since been resolved?  Just b/c of these types of questions, I'd be trying to reach out for couples counseling.
  • Is he Steve from Sex and the City?  
    MissKittyDangerlnixon8charlotte989875ei34
  • banana468 said:
    Is he Steve from Sex and the City?  
    Yes.
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    Is he Steve from Sex and the City?  
    Yes.
    Then he should have said something earlier so Carrie would have avoided wearing a damn bird on her head.
    You're confusing Steve and Big ;)

    But damn, commitment to wear a friggen bird.
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    Is he Steve from Sex and the City?  
    Yes.
    Then he should have said something earlier so Carrie would have avoided wearing a damn bird on her head.
    You're confusing Steve and Big ;)

    But damn, commitment to wear a friggen bird.
    No I'm not.   Steve confessed to the affair and told Miranda.   On the night of the RD, Miranda flipped her shit and screamed at Big that getting married was a terrible idea because she and Steve were on the verge of separating.

    If Steve spoke up earlier than he did, Miranda could have had the opportunity to come clean earlier, Big could have had cold feet not in the  middle of Manhattan and a bird wouldn't have had to die.  The wheels of calling off the wedding could have been in motion long before their wedding day.
    Ohh that's the part you were referring to! My bad!
  • Anyone who's been with a man like this knows he isn't telling the whole story. I'd be asking "why now" and for the whole truth. Like ALLLLLL of it. Then I'd enroll in counseling (by myself to see if couples counseling was even something I wanted to spend time/energy on). And we'd pay for it with any kind of budget he had for fun money.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • I kind of liked the bird.  For Carrie, not for myself  :D
    MissKittyDangerSP29climbingsinglemrsconn23
  • Emotional affairs are so much worse, I think. (Not that I'd be cool with either).

    OP is very justified in her feelings. I think there is more to this, and counseling is needed.
    charlotte989875mrsconn23
  • SP29 said:
    Emotional affairs are so much worse, I think. (Not that I'd be cool with either).

    OP is very justified in her feelings. I think there is more to this, and counseling is needed.
    I agree.  It's a deeper violation of trust, because the person who's supposed to be your partner is sharing the deepest parts of themselves with someone else that they are romantically interested in.  They possibly see a future with that person that doesn't include you. They look to that person for things when they should be looking to you.  And they could be home every night and basically carrying it on in front of your face.  The intimacy is so much deeper than a one night that 'got out of control'.  

    It's all bad, but I can see being more devastated finding out that my H had an emotional affair.  
    short+sassycharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • banana468 said:

    No I'm not.   Steve confessed to the affair and told Miranda.   On the night of the RD, Miranda flipped her shit and screamed at Big that getting married was a terrible idea because she and Steve were on the verge of separating.

    If Steve spoke up earlier than he did, Miranda could have had the opportunity to come clean earlier, Big could have had cold feet not in the  middle of Manhattan and a bird wouldn't have had to die.  The wheels of calling off the wedding could have been in motion long before their wedding day.



    But then we wouldn't have the amazing scene when Charlotte yells at Big before her water breaks!



    Literally how I want my water to break. She is birthing goals lmfao
    kimmiinthemitten
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:

    No I'm not.   Steve confessed to the affair and told Miranda.   On the night of the RD, Miranda flipped her shit and screamed at Big that getting married was a terrible idea because she and Steve were on the verge of separating.

    If Steve spoke up earlier than he did, Miranda could have had the opportunity to come clean earlier, Big could have had cold feet not in the  middle of Manhattan and a bird wouldn't have had to die.  The wheels of calling off the wedding could have been in motion long before their wedding day.



    But then we wouldn't have the amazing scene when Charlotte yells at Big before her water breaks!



    Literally how I want my water to break. She is birthing goals lmfao
    SO NOT how water breaks!   But it made for good theater. 
    One can dream. Lol
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2017
    banana468 said:
    banana468 said:

    No I'm not.   Steve confessed to the affair and told Miranda.   On the night of the RD, Miranda flipped her shit and screamed at Big that getting married was a terrible idea because she and Steve were on the verge of separating.

    If Steve spoke up earlier than he did, Miranda could have had the opportunity to come clean earlier, Big could have had cold feet not in the  middle of Manhattan and a bird wouldn't have had to die.  The wheels of calling off the wedding could have been in motion long before their wedding day.



    But then we wouldn't have the amazing scene when Charlotte yells at Big before her water breaks!



    Literally how I want my water to break. She is birthing goals lmfao
    SO NOT how water breaks!   But it made for good theater. 
    Well, mine was pretty close to that. Broke in the middle of the house. Ran to the bathroom and my pants were completely soaked and left a puddle on the linoleum. Contractions didn't start for another couple hours. I was roaming around the house doing stuff for a couple hours before going to bed and didn't go to the birth center until five hours after my water broke. 

    Yea, your water usually doesn't spontaneously break without being in labor, but it definitely can. 

    ETA: My cousin's broke while in the middle of a conversation at someone else's house. 

  • My water broke as I got out of bed to pee. Had to wash all the sheets and comforter before the hospital. It happens. 
    image
  • Yeah, my point is that it's rarely the sudden drama after a loud outburst.

    I had to have my water broken for Chiquita but for Chiquito I was in the throws of labor, water still hadn't broken and in one forceful contraction I soaked my OB.  Two pushes later and out came the kiddo!
  • banana468 said:
    Yeah, my point is that it's rarely the sudden drama after a loud outburst.

    I had to have my water broken for Chiquita but for Chiquito I was in the throws of labor, water still hadn't broken and in one forceful contraction I soaked my OB.  Two pushes later and out came the kiddo!

    LMAO, I'm sure you weren't the first!  I'd suspect that is one of the hazards of the job.

    And sometimes sucky hours, because babies are typically born in the wee-chee-chee hours of the morning.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • banana468 said:
    Yeah, my point is that it's rarely the sudden drama after a loud outburst.

    I had to have my water broken for Chiquita but for Chiquito I was in the throws of labor, water still hadn't broken and in one forceful contraction I soaked my OB.  Two pushes later and out came the kiddo!

    LMAO, I'm sure you weren't the first!  I'd suspect that is one of the hazards of the job.

    And sometimes sucky hours, because babies are typically born in the wee-chee-chee hours of the morning.

    I'm sure.   Especially since I was well....ready to go in all other ways. 


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