Moms and Maids

My story with my mom.

Uriel and I have been together for a year and a half now. We've known each other as good friends for five years and since the first day we were together we knew we wanted to get married. I was 19 by then. Even though we were so eager to start our life together we decided to wait because of my family, they didn't know Uriel (who was 30) very much (because I've never been the bring friends to home kind of girl), so we waited. Since then we've talked with my parents about marriage a few times and every time they said no because they wanted me to finish college first. Time passed and my entire family moved to Guadalajara, a big town far from here, and I stayed. My dad already lived there and now my mom, stepdad and sisters were moving. I didn't want to move, because that would mean that I would have to leave Uriel and start college over, so they allowed me to stay (not that they could have done much since I'm over 18, but they went peacefully). Before they left we talked about marriage again with my parents but they again said no. The thing is that my dad didn't agree because he thought that either I should move with everyone to Guadalajara, or I should have gotten married and stayed (but no one ever told me my dad thought like that). 
Anyway in winter break they came and Uriel talked to my mom about giving me the engagement ring WITHOUT talking about wedding dates. She agreed, she told him he was a good man for me and everything. Uriel gave me the ring, and we were really happy dreaming of our wedding this year (2013). I talked to my dad and now he is really OK with us marrying whenever we want, he supports us and he is really happy I am happy.
The problem is, my mom doesn't want me to get married this year. She wants me to finish college and then think about marrying (that would mean I would start planning in December 2014). I've talked to her about what I want several times and everytime she makes a drama scene and says that if its this year she will not be part of the wedding nor anything. 
I know my mom loves me and wants the best for me but I've thought of the consecuences of marrying before finishing and I still want to do this. This is no rush decision or anything. I've think this through. But she won't listen, it should be her way or not at all.
Everybody went back to Guadalajara. I talked to my dad and he tells me I should move on with what I want and deal with the consequences of my desicions. If my mom won't come nobody can make her come. But he says I should do what makes me happy.
I really want to get married in May, a day before my 21st Bday (Labor day). We've started a little planning, but I really want my mom to be OK with it and be a part of it. 
My aunt told me she talked to her and that she sounds really sad. My dad has talked with my mom and they even fought because my dad thinks she should be here supporting me, but she won't. She is a proud woman, she even called Uriel, told him a lot of mean stuff (that he was breaking the family appart, that she didn't want to see him again and stuff) and hung up. 
Even all of those things I still call her to invite her to be a part of it and she refuses. Just like that. 

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to share my story and read what you think and what your advice is.
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Re: My story with my mom.

  • Oh, I am going to finish college! I am going to graduate, but I want to do it as a married woman. I love my carreer, I love science and Uriel loves that I am in love of what I do. He supports me. I am sure I'll finish. I am a good student and passionate about what I do.
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  • I agree- finish college before you get married.  Marriage adds so many complications to life- complications that you don't seem to fully understand.  Wait two years and plan your wedding for just after you graduate.  What's the rush?

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  • I personally am not a fan of the idea of getting married before 25, because the years leading up to that age are SO full of personal change.  I know I ended up a completely different person by that age than when I was 20.

    BUT, that doesn't mean it doesn't work for others.

    If you take this step, approach it with the adult attitude it deserves and demands.  Take ownership, stop running to the parents, and make the decisions.  They're your decisions to make.  If your mother does not want to come to the wedding, that's her own adult decision to make, loaded with consequences that she will have to bear.  

    Weddings are not the issue to play 'mother may-I" with.  It's not her life decision, it's yours.  If you really are uncomfortable with making this decision based on your own information, your own emotions, and your own reasoning, then you do not have a place making this decision yet.  Hold off until you cultivate more confidence and independence.  Your marriage will be healthier when you can stand against outside meddling.
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  • I also think that waiting until you finish college would be a good idea.  You don't mention what type of degree you are studying for at this time, but I'd guess based on your age that you are pursuing an undergraduate degree.  Will you need to go to graduate school?  Have you considered where, when, and how long you will need to be in school? Does starting out in your career field required longer hours, more time away from home, or other upfront time investments?

    I'm asking because it seems like you still have, understandably, a few more years where you need to concentrate on yourself, your goals, and your independent future.  I know that I was not a good partner while I was in graduate school; I had to be selfish about my time and energy.  There was a lot of uncertainty about where I would work and it was a test of our relationship that we could grow together as our dynamic changed.  In some ways, though, it was freeing to know that I could fully consider all of my options and I could make the decisions that were best for me and for the career I wanted.  Having his full support through the process made it significantly easier, but I don't think we needed to be married to have that.

    Have a long engagement.  Complete your education.  Give yourself the opportunity to establish your career path.  An extra year is not that long to wait in the bigger picture of all the change you have ahead of you.

  • FI proposed to me when I was 20 and with our wedding in October, we'll have been engaged for three years and together since high school and even I think you should wait. Enjoy being engaged and start getting ideas for your wedding, but wait until you are financially ready. 

    Trust me, I am super anxious to start our lives together (we were long distance for four years while I was in college) but waiting until we're ready financially and we'll be better off for it in the long run. I get where you're coming from, but think long and hard about it if you mother, someone who has your best interest at heart, isn't sold on getting married now. 
  • Who is paying for school and who is paying for the wedding - major factors to consider.
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  • I don't see the big deal about needing to finish college. I don't understand why everyone thinks a ring and a piece of paper will make both of you two completely different people. As long as planning the wedding doesn't interfere with your studies, then get married when YOU want to, whats your mom gonna do, stop all contact with you for getting married a year early?
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